Much Ado About Lesbian Bed Death
Lesbian relationships, like any other, are prone to experience extreme ups and downs in the bedroom. This is better known as “lesbian bed death” in the sexology circle and lesbian world, but it can be a dysfunction that affects all couples, gay and straight. It’s also the primary reason I believe the word to be a misnomer. In part because of lesbian dating patterns and the tendency to be friends and lovers or at least believe that we are both at once. There’s also the tendency to confuse lust with love and passion with commitment in our quest to check yes on the “are you in a relationship” test . The sexual aspect can shift to a friendship only or a roommate status after a certain length of time has passed with no shared sexual intimacy. If both women agree that this dynamic is acceptable, then there isn’t a problem, but for many other couples this situation can lead to a timely or untimely break up if one partner still wants and desires her girlfriend and the other has lost sight of her desire.
I’m not a fan of scheduling sex, but I believe that if it’s important to your partner and you genuinely love her as much as she loves and wants you, you’ll at least make the effort. It’s not easy to face up to the fact that sometimes lifestyles take an uneasy, unsexy turn for the worse. It is normal for sexual interest to come and go in committed relationships where there’s lots of compromising and sharing of roles, but sometimes that selflessness can work against and when the passion dies, we feel as if we’ve lost apart of our sexual selves. Needless to say, this so-called lesbian bed death is something much more intimate in nature, and fortunately it doesn’t affect every lesbian relationship, but for the ones it does there can be many questions left unanswered and hurt feelings ignored and invalidated. Couples that have been together for many years are not immune.
Personal experience has shown that in making minor changes with regard to sexual intimacy and sustaining a passionately healthy relationship, we often need to adjust not only mentally, but behaviorally. A fire won’t rekindle itself, you have to jump-start it. The same holds true for sex. Since our brain is our biggest sex organ, the importance of stimulating that organ must be given as much credence mentally as it is given physically. It’s not hard, but it’s not easy either.
We get into slumps where we become comfortable just lounging around and never take the time to get sexy for our babe. We stop doing the things we did in the beginning that stirred the passion and kept the energy alive and kicking. When was the last time you or your girlfriend dressed to the nines and went on a date, cracked open a bottle of wine and let the spirits take you where they may? When’s the last time you and baby girl smoked a joint while watching a romantic movie at home and made out like teenagers during and after the private show? Finding our inner hedonism is important, no matter how unimportant people may believe it to be. When the sex drive has relaxed and the passion surpassed, what’s next?
Here are some things my girlfriend and I have done in the past to rejuvenate our sex life:
We subscribe to a little something known as “Carpe Diem”. With that, we seize upon opportunities and moments when we’re slightly on the verge or feeling just a twinge of sexual attraction to our partner at that moment. If one of us is feeling a bit randy, or horny, even if we don’t think the time is right, we make it. Getting back into the habit of having sex will require that you do this very thing.
We don’t schedule sex, but we do set aside time during the day, usually in the evening when we are very affectionate with each other. If these instances lead to sex, she knows it’s on, but if not we enjoy what we started and leave the rest to chance. Take it slow. Most times there is absolutely no need for urgency when it comes to making love and especially, going down. Like En Vogue said years ago “free your mind and the rest will follow.” Sex doesn’t always have to be serious, and intensity will remain the main ingredient if you’re having fun and showing it. It’s okay to laugh during sex, and leading up to an orgasm makes the pleasure all the more enjoyable.
There are times when I’ll give her a completely innocent kiss on the lips and when I feel them lingering on mine, I’ll open my eyes while slipping my tongue inside, just enough time to see that her eyes have been closed much longer than usual, and her breathing has deviated more slightly than normal, and that’s when I know that she’s on the verge. Even the slightest touch, and I don’t even have to be turned on, but seeing her this way sets our mood scheme to on, and I know I’ll thoroughly enjoy pleasing her, while at the same time expecting nothing in return. But she lives for returning the gift and so I lay back down and simply settle into it.
As cliché as this may sound, try something new. Like oral, masturbation, porn, and role-playing whatever kinky shit comes to mind. The things you previously did you may end up missing again.