In My Twenties
In my twenties…
I stopped listening to the crowd.
I never went along anyway.
And was often the odd one out.
I would find myself going.
In the opposite direction.
What I didn’t realize then.
Was that I was self-deflecting.
You know the gay saying “I can’t even think straight”.
I realized some thoughts I held onto were self-destructive as fate. I mean fuck. Insecurity took over and I’d often feel anxious about where I was going, where I would be 5-10 years from the day that a young stud would be turning twenty. Deep thoughts were not welcome because I barely knew who I was or what I wanted. I wondered whom exactly I was living for; myself or somebody else. I was losing all control and that helplessness was strongly felt. I never considered what I learned a waste though, not once. I took what I learned and never looked back. That higher learning has proven invaluable time and time again.
In my later twenties…
I started to realize that I was selfish,
And that most people inherently are.
Whether they admit it or choose to embellish.
The friendships I fostered were from afar.
Funny cause in my early twenties I didn’t quite know just who I was. I took for granted lasting friendships, thinking random girls were what was up. I realized that the most important connections I’d ever made were the ones in which I’d already lost touch. I reconnected with some, but lives take twists and turns and naturally those relationships evolve into something else if there is no growth in the interim. I blame myself mostly, for being a hermit in disguise and not thinking twice about it while on the ride that was my life.
In my early twenties…
I didn’t mind being the new person wherever I was.
Starting over and developing relationships,
But never claiming to be novice.
Personal friendships that I attained,
Are near and dear to me to this day.
I look at what I do and although it’s more than sufficient, it really isn’t anywhere close to what I thought would be intrinsic. When my opinions weren’t as strong and I wasn’t as judgmental as everyone. When rose-colored glasses were worn for fun. I lived in my head, one day at a time, while life took shape and forged right on. The boundaries I established early on were either extended or broken down. As I approached my 30 years I felt far more secure within myself.
In my middle twenties…
My decisions were no longer based on,
“it’s me against the world”
Change was no longer the enemy
And that was one hell of a battle.
I’ve learned to appreciate.
Every opportunity that comes with change.
Every learning curve that comes with age.
As life moves forward, so do I. Throughout encounters and heartbreaks. Sometimes there were breakthroughs and I’d wonder how someone I loved so much could hurt me so. Soon enough I’d be wondering how I could hurt someone I loved so much and still deserve to be loved and touched.
There comes a point in all of our lives where we go through emotions, battle with thoughts, feel lost and alone and still we’re able to come out on top. We find the answers to the questions plaguing our minds and it’s not for naught. Answers we realize through experiencing most of what life has offered us. No one has the answers to everything, but knowledge is an everlasting, evolving process and that simple concept is one I love. Upon reaching turning points we must constantly embrace change and differences and most importantly an open mind. Thought I’d never realize that having a companion means far more than having a few women on the side. Decisions are firm as I take life on. Constantly overcoming new twists and turns. I focus on what’s inside and no longer am I. All wrapped up in my own selfish wants, neglecting my needs for foolish pride.
image by Nonetta