How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?
Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?
I’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.
For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over.
That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong. From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being. They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.
To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret.
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Very well said dude. It’s been 3 years now since my affair ended my 14 yr marriage. I am still ashamed of my actions and don’t totally understand or know why I did what I did. And you are right, it never goes away, it’s something we have to live with for life…and something my ex has to live with for life regrettably. Thanks for sharing your article here, I appreciate your insight.
That’s very honest of you Ang, and I agree that is an interesting article.
i was apprehensive about commenting on this particular, however it might help someone. after coming out of an affair i have to agree that you really never get over the person, i (shamely) had an affair with a married woman and everyday i told myself “man she’s married, don’t get caught up, she’s not gonna leave her husband no matter how bad he is, so just have fun”. and thats what i did but no matter how much i said this and even tryed to stay away or limit our time together the truth is the head cant tell the heart who to fall for. we both agreed that it was wrong but i was the one to completely take her number out my phone, not drive by her house, and as hard as it was not think about her in any way, i totally seperated myself from her i had to just let it burn. now for the record we never had sex but we did everything else and i felt terrible each time. i think about her now esp as i type this and i have nothing but good thoughts about her but i think i feel good about letting it go becuz nothing really good could have come of it.
Wazi, you already know how much I appreciate you commenting on this post.Thank you for sharing your story; I know the courage it took to do that. Those who have fallen short know that as morally obvious the right decision may be, it often takes falling down multiple times to push, knock, kick into doing the right thing. You did what needed to be done.
How did you know she would never leave? Have you moved on to another relationship and if you have, is it as emotionally and physically electric as it was with the woman you had an affair with? You said that you just had to let it burn…. Does it still burn you?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but what you described. Is similar to my story.
I didn’t know she would never leave, but I had a feeling she was willing to stick with me if I was serious about making things work. We’re still together and our physical and emotional relationship is probably more dynamic than it’s ever been. We are all the way open, major communicators, and honesty is most important in our world.
It still burns from time to time. Some days are better than others, but ultimately, I did what I felt was impossible at one point; I forgave myself and learned how to move forward. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll always carry this with me, but that’s one of the beautiful things about life, it’s as forgiving as you allow it to be. And it allows you to learn and grow from each experience be it positive or negative. The burn gets less and less over time. Right now, I feel more at peace with myself and the situation than I ever have. All it takes is time… and the realization that we’re all different, and some need more than others.
it takes a long time to get over an affair, nothing will ever be the same…
My experiance 22yrs later. We were sweathearts dated for five years and married for three.We had the dream that everyone wanted. No, I never got over my husband having an affair. I don’t dwell on it, but it makes me very sad from time to time, especialley around the Christmas (that is when it started for him at a company party.) He was handsome beyond belief and had everything, good job, money,and anyone he wanted. He was always became a conquest to some. My son was a only a newborn at the time and to think I never really enjoyed all life had given me at the time. She robbed me of the memories I should have had. Instead, I spent my days crying, feeling humiliated and starving myself to become the size 2 I was. She wouldn’t let us alone and called my house for one year, repeatly harrassing me. I know now how much I lost out with my son and he with me when I had my second son four yrs later. It was obvious.
My husband was sleeping with a sleezy secretary. I could have understood if she was knock down gorgeous, but she was ugly on the inside and out and definately a step down. Of couse in a major corporation they had to continue to work together, so it became very difficult for me. So although we are together now 22 yrs later. I often wonder ….Maybe I should have just left him, it would have been easier? So for anyone facing this situation today. Its not an easy road the pain still makes me cry 22yrs later. Is it worth it??Today is a down day for me…so maybe just maybe it would have been easier?? I can say as we moved forward we are best friends we never do anything or go out without each other and I do have two of the best kids anyone could ask for! BUT it robbed something from me, I will never let my gaurd down or love again with both my eyes closed! Yes it will never be the same and wish we were that same couple everyone envied….its still wonderful but often wonder????
Don’t have an affair the ramifications aren’t worth it for anyone! Yes, I still run into her. I think to myself. I did nothing wrong why did you get to enjoy getting married, having a child basking in the 1rst yr of motherhood when mine is such a blur. My advise, don’t walk, RUN!
[...] he hasn’t seen since 2007. As I have stated previously, it takes more than a little bit to get over an affair. Especially one of a nature where secrecy and hurt feelings arebound to be intense and deeply [...]
Dude, you have just described what every cheater and ex-cheater feels, but can’t find the words to convey it. I, too, took a stab at this subject several months ago, but my words were too full of rage (and denial) to do the subject justice. This is it! This post is the gold standard for what happens to people after the affair. I even understand your opening statement about readers wondering why you’re “still going on about this shit.” Been there, done that, feel the same way. You reach a point where everything has been said. End of story.
Still, the drama continues in our own minds. I wish like hell I hadn’t opened up this can of worms.
tvexplorer´s last blog ..Don’t Slit Your Wrists Just Yet.
[...] You tell me. [...]
Thanks for stopping by and dropping some great insight into this age old question. I see that you’ve answered as best you could on your blog, and I did the same on mine based on my experiences. I know what you mean when you say you wish like hell you never opened that can of worms.
Dude…… wow! You put it into words!! Although, we all (at least I do) still hang onto the fantasy. The “What if” and “if only” I was recently running with a friend of mine who knows of my affair. (I was the married one, he was not) and we were bouncing the subject around. Logically I have completely come to realize that it wasn’t the right thing to do. BUT, it’s hard to let go of it emotionally, because WOW did it feel good. I would often tell my man, “this feels too good to be wrong, it must be right!!
Now, in my case, I did have every intention of leaving my husband for him!!!! Hands down, no questions asked!! I had every intention of leaving my husband before him, I was just waiting to get everything in order, trying to do right by my kids! I was just willing to speed up the process for him…… I thought he/we were worth it!! Oddly enough, he was the one that “hid” us more than I did. But, the past is the past. I wonder, I think, I move forward, I dwell, I wish, I hope, I move on, I try to forget and I smile…….. I know I will never forget. My worry is that I will expect that type of emotional high out of my next relationship AND is it possible to have that???? I think that I am in this for the life time max! And forward we march!
It’s entirely possibly to have an intense emotional relationship with your new love, and in my experience that intensity is stronger when you know they are completely yours and they in turn have the same emotional security with you. When we’re out there cheating and getting our freak on, it’s difficult to even begin to compare the emotional high from that with anything else I’ve ever experienced in a relationship. The reason for that is because the behavior we’re taking part in is considered taboo. That alone will heighten the senses. When you do something you know you could get caught doing, and it’s erotic, sensual and fun to boot, it causes us to feel and sense things that are completely outside of reality. That’s the allusion of affairs.
Anyway, to answer your question, I would not attempt to go into a new relationship with high expectations such as those. Real, honest relationships take work. Affairs tend to skip over all the really hard work, and get right down to the fun, sexy business. That’s what makes them so allluring. With that said, coming into a new relationship after however amount of time you took off after the affair ended, should not be taken lightly. It is possible to have that with someone new, but the trick is to let it flow. You can rush love if you want to, but you’re bound to miss some tiny details along the way that could have been just the glue you needed to keep clicking. What I mean to say is this, any person can bring you an intense emotional and physical response, it all depends on what you’re both willing to put into and take out of the relationship that will ultimately put it at the level you want it to be.
Good luck with everything. Sorry I’m so long-winded, but I hope you got my drift somewhere along the way.