How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?
Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?
I’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.
For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over.
That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong. From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being. They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.
To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret.
Popularity: 100%
Very well said dude. It’s been 3 years now since my affair ended my 14 yr marriage. I am still ashamed of my actions and don’t totally understand or know why I did what I did. And you are right, it never goes away, it’s something we have to live with for life…and something my ex has to live with for life regrettably. Thanks for sharing your article here, I appreciate your insight.
That's very honest of you Ang, and I agree that is an interesting article.
i was apprehensive about commenting on this particular, however it might help someone. after coming out of an affair i have to agree that you really never get over the person, i (shamely) had an affair with a married woman and everyday i told myself "man she's married, don't get caught up, she's not gonna leave her husband no matter how bad he is, so just have fun". and thats what i did but no matter how much i said this and even tryed to stay away or limit our time together the truth is the head cant tell the heart who to fall for. we both agreed that it was wrong but i was the one to completely take her number out my phone, not drive by her house, and as hard as it was not think about her in any way, i totally seperated myself from her i had to just let it burn. now for the record we never had sex but we did everything else and i felt terrible each time. i think about her now esp as i type this and i have nothing but good thoughts about her but i think i feel good about letting it go becuz nothing really good could have come of it.
Wazi, you already know how much I appreciate you commenting on this post.Thank you for sharing your story; I know the courage it took to do that. Those who have fallen short know that as morally obvious the right decision may be, it often takes falling down multiple times to push, knock, kick into doing the right thing. You did what needed to be done.
How did you know she would never leave? Have you moved on to another relationship and if you have, is it as emotionally and physically electric as it was with the woman you had an affair with? You said that you just had to let it burn…. Does it still burn you?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but what you described. Is similar to my story.
I didn’t know she would never leave, but I had a feeling she was willing to stick with me if I was serious about making things work. We’re still together and our physical and emotional relationship is probably more dynamic than it’s ever been. We are all the way open, major communicators, and honesty is most important in our world.
It still burns from time to time. Some days are better than others, but ultimately, I did what I felt was impossible at one point; I forgave myself and learned how to move forward. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll always carry this with me, but that’s one of the beautiful things about life, it’s as forgiving as you allow it to be. And it allows you to learn and grow from each experience be it positive or negative. The burn gets less and less over time. Right now, I feel more at peace with myself and the situation than I ever have. All it takes is time… and the realization that we’re all different, and some need more than others.
it takes a long time to get over an affair, nothing will ever be the same…
My experiance 22yrs later. We were sweathearts dated for five years and married for three.We had the dream that everyone wanted. No, I never got over my husband having an affair. I don’t dwell on it, but it makes me very sad from time to time, especialley around the Christmas (that is when it started for him at a company party.) He was handsome beyond belief and had everything, good job, money,and anyone he wanted. He was always became a conquest to some. My son was a only a newborn at the time and to think I never really enjoyed all life had given me at the time. She robbed me of the memories I should have had. Instead, I spent my days crying, feeling humiliated and starving myself to become the size 2 I was. She wouldn’t let us alone and called my house for one year, repeatly harrassing me. I know now how much I lost out with my son and he with me when I had my second son four yrs later. It was obvious.
My husband was sleeping with a sleezy secretary. I could have understood if she was knock down gorgeous, but she was ugly on the inside and out and definately a step down. Of couse in a major corporation they had to continue to work together, so it became very difficult for me. So although we are together now 22 yrs later. I often wonder ….Maybe I should have just left him, it would have been easier? So for anyone facing this situation today. Its not an easy road the pain still makes me cry 22yrs later. Is it worth it??Today is a down day for me…so maybe just maybe it would have been easier?? I can say as we moved forward we are best friends we never do anything or go out without each other and I do have two of the best kids anyone could ask for! BUT it robbed something from me, I will never let my gaurd down or love again with both my eyes closed! Yes it will never be the same and wish we were that same couple everyone envied….its still wonderful but often wonder????
Don’t have an affair the ramifications aren’t worth it for anyone! Yes, I still run into her. I think to myself. I did nothing wrong why did you get to enjoy getting married, having a child basking in the 1rst yr of motherhood when mine is such a blur. My advise, don’t walk, RUN!
[...] he hasn’t seen since 2007. As I have stated previously, it takes more than a little bit to get over an affair. Especially one of a nature where secrecy and hurt feelings arebound to be intense and deeply [...]
Dude, you have just described what every cheater and ex-cheater feels, but can't find the words to convey it. I, too, took a stab at this subject several months ago, but my words were too full of rage (and denial) to do the subject justice. This is it! This post is the gold standard for what happens to people after the affair. I even understand your opening statement about readers wondering why you're "still going on about this shit.” Been there, done that, feel the same way. You reach a point where everything has been said. End of story.
Still, the drama continues in our own minds. I wish like hell I hadn't opened up this can of worms.
tvexplorer´s last blog ..Don’t Slit Your Wrists Just Yet.
[...] You tell me. [...]
Thanks for stopping by and dropping some great insight into this age old question. I see that you've answered as best you could on your blog, and I did the same on mine based on my experiences. I know what you mean when you say you wish like hell you never opened that can of worms.
Dude…… wow! You put it into words!! Although, we all (at least I do) still hang onto the fantasy. The “What if” and “if only” I was recently running with a friend of mine who knows of my affair. (I was the married one, he was not) and we were bouncing the subject around. Logically I have completely come to realize that it wasn’t the right thing to do. BUT, it’s hard to let go of it emotionally, because WOW did it feel good. I would often tell my man, “this feels too good to be wrong, it must be right!!
Now, in my case, I did have every intention of leaving my husband for him!!!! Hands down, no questions asked!! I had every intention of leaving my husband before him, I was just waiting to get everything in order, trying to do right by my kids! I was just willing to speed up the process for him…… I thought he/we were worth it!! Oddly enough, he was the one that “hid” us more than I did. But, the past is the past. I wonder, I think, I move forward, I dwell, I wish, I hope, I move on, I try to forget and I smile…….. I know I will never forget. My worry is that I will expect that type of emotional high out of my next relationship AND is it possible to have that???? I think that I am in this for the life time max! And forward we march!
It's entirely possibly to have an intense emotional relationship with your new love, and in my experience that intensity is stronger when you know they are completely yours and they in turn have the same emotional security with you. When we're out there cheating and getting our freak on, it's difficult to even begin to compare the emotional high from that with anything else I've ever experienced in a relationship. The reason for that is because the behavior we're taking part in is considered taboo. That alone will heighten the senses. When you do something you know you could get caught doing, and it's erotic, sensual and fun to boot, it causes us to feel and sense things that are completely outside of reality. That's the allusion of affairs.
Anyway, to answer your question, I would not attempt to go into a new relationship with high expectations such as those. Real, honest relationships take work. Affairs tend to skip over all the really hard work, and get right down to the fun, sexy business. That's what makes them so allluring. With that said, coming into a new relationship after however amount of time you took off after the affair ended, should not be taken lightly. It is possible to have that with someone new, but the trick is to let it flow. You can rush love if you want to, but you're bound to miss some tiny details along the way that could have been just the glue you needed to keep clicking. What I mean to say is this, any person can bring you an intense emotional and physical response, it all depends on what you're both willing to put into and take out of the relationship that will ultimately put it at the level you want it to be.
Good luck with everything. Sorry I'm so long-winded, but I hope you got my drift somewhere along the way.
Hi, thanks for sharing. I’ve been through this before and I know exactly how it feels…
Anak Inya´s last blog ..How accurate is the ultrasound scan
I was blown away by this post, I could not sleep wondering how long it would be for me to totally get over my wifes affair. I stumbled onto this post first thinking it was from the victims perspective, but I often wondered about my wive's thinking; her feelings during and after the affair. We did three months with a great counselor and since that time we have really focused on moving forward and putting the past behind. We are going into our third year of marriage, we are very happy and overall things have improved by leaps and bounds. We have been working on rebuilding trust and as far as I can tell, she is doing everything she can to demonstrate that she is here for me. But once in a while what goes through my mind is "I cant believe she did that shit!!, It is like a shadow that creeps up from time to time and you have.shine light on it and contain it. The affair as best I can tell lasted for almost two years and became really sexual over a several month period. (emails w/details).
I've told her dude has probably next affair and that we have to deal with all of the fallout from both of their actions. She was thinking about leaving for him, that he would leave his wife and kids, but dude just wanted sex.
So,it is going on two years post disclosure and I have my up and down days. The down days are less and less frequent and when they occur, I know that its really my own insecurities creeping out. I keep it to myself, try to be positive and keep it moving. So, life is different and something that was free and invaluable at the beginning of our marriage (Trust) has to be cultivated now.
It can takes ages to get over an affair…
Roy´s last blog ..Specific gender
Exactly how I felt and feel. And my affair ended two months ago. In therapy now dealing with it all. Your article was awesome. Thanks.
I'm so glad it helped, and the best of luck to you during your recovery from the after-affects of the affair. Remember to love yourself before giving it away to anyone else.
i think mine takes it to a higher level when i raise the question ……
Revenge – Should i retaliate towards blokes (so called mates) that were getting their wicked way on my long term partner?
in trying to “get over” the things that happened i cant stop my mind from wandering and pondering some serious payback, that in my eyes is long overdue!
I am asking if any of you have had that shall we say revenge and whether or not it helped with the process off forgetting (blocking out) the bad bits.
I stumbled onto this site..I have to say that I am still angry at my husband. I have to see the tramp he had "an emotional affair" with so they claim on a regular basis. This just brings up all these emotions. My husband has never really told me the truth about everything which keeps me wondering. They told each other that they loved each other but he lied to me about it. I have asked him for a divorce but he has said he doesn't want one and is trying to "work on himself". He tells me he doesn't talk to her anymore but I don't know. This all started 14 months ago and to be honest I don't know when it ended or to be honest if it has.
I am so happy to find this site even though its not what I wanted to hear. I ended my affair 2 weeks ago that we ended it and this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. It feels like a death. Neither one of us meant for all this to happen…but does anyone. My question is can this end and we still be friends?
We have been friends since we were 15 and started an affair 2 years ago. Once we get past the hurt and heart ache…can we be friends again?
What started out as friendship can continue as friendship, but not right now. That scenario is likely not possible nor is it healthy to continue in your roles as each others friend until you both have healed from the affair. What you need is a friend that will listen to you and give you genuine advice while remaining objective. Someone not influenced by emotions. You will reach that point where the friendship can possibly resume, and the sooner you start coming to terms with hard questions, like what, where, when, why and how it happened. Get through all of that, each of you, independent of the other, and you can truly hold onto your friendship. Just like with affairs, friendships take two to tangle. And just like with getting over one, it takes time to establish and re-establish. If the other person isn’t interested, as difficult as it may be in the short and possibly long haul, you have to move forward. Good luck with everything. Now is the time to focus on yourself.
Megan~ I am sorry that you are struggling, I know exactly what you are going through. It is the single most painful thing I have ever been through and sitting here 11 months later….it still hurts unimaginably. My husband had an affair with a woman while out of the country on business, then when I found out, he lied about it. I knew for a fact that they had an affair because I read the emails and text they had sent back and forward….they were not very secretive and incredibly stupid about the whole thing. Well he was, she had every intention of telling the whole world because how could she mean more than his wife if no one knew? He lied repeatedly in the beginning and continued to talk to her when he promised that he wasn't. Hell, he even let her call and harass me and somehow this was my fault. The aftermath of the affair really is the deciding factor. My husband has spent the last nine months trying to fix things, he is a wonderful, doting, giving husband and father. He has been sober for 9 months now and has changed so much about who he was and yet I can't get over the fact that he left me sobbing on the bathroom floor when I found out so that he could check on his whore. 8 years of marriage and two kids meant less to him than a three week affair. Everyone is different but from what I can tell, if he isn't honest in the beginning then you will never get that back. All the websites say the same thing "if you want to keep your marriage you need to be open and honest about what happened and never have contact with the person you had the affair with again" It doesn't sound like he is doing either of those things and in that you are going to lose a piece of your soul that you will never get back. I strongly suggest that you work on you, that you find a peace with in yourself and worry less about him. He has to want the relationship and fight for it…..but he is not going to fight for you if you are not willing to fight for you. I know that things seem to be spinning out right now but I do promise they get better. This has forced me to work on myself and face my own demons and for that I really am grateful. I love my husband very much and I want forever with him, but the way he reacted to all of this killed a part of me and I will never be the same. I do have to give him credit though, he seems to be doing all of the right things now….it's just that I can't trust it because I already did and he picked her over me again….God it hurts and I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. It is an unimaginable and soul killing pain, but it does get better and become less frequent. I would highly suggest that you get a good therapist and if he is not willing to go with you then I think you know the answer of what to do next. I wish you all the best in life and that no matter what happens, I hope you find true happiness. And remember, this too shall pass!!
i just stubbled onto the website and I can relate to alot that I have read. I have been married for 17 years. I recently had and affair with a much younger single man. It started off through texting and then calling and talking on the phone 10 times a day and finally lead to sex. BAD IDEA! Right after we both felt guilty him more so than myself. We decided to never see each other again but I am in such agony. I am so heart broken and I don't know why. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to move on so bad. I think I liked the attention but if I could go back and erase it all I would. If anyone is ever thinking of crossing the line don't do it. I have never felt this bad in my life.
my husband cheated on me, and was exposed about 4 yrs ago. The details of his affair were unbelievable. He contracted two std's and gave them to me. we have been married for 13 years and have been together since highschool. i stayed and we are moving forward. at least i think. I always wish i would have left, but i dont know how to leave..he's all i know. but the pain from the affairs, (that lasted at least 7 years) is still there. i dont think i'll ever get over this. the images of him with these women wont leave my head. what he did, giving me a std is so disgusting. I dont know if i can deal with this for the rest of my life. i just want it to go away…i've had to start taking medication, i just got so depressed. he has tried so hard for these past three years to be a good husband, and he listens to me when i need to vent…he doesnt get angry. i just cant seem to move on! it has killed something inside of me!
Don't know,I don't know but well, I did get rid of my husband for some serious reason. Well there are times that I think of what ifs" but then I already made a choice.
yes its true u never get over an affair, its been 4 years after my affair and i still think about him every second of the day and my marriage is no longer functioning..
I discovered that my wife of 17 years was having an affair for the past 2 years. We had issues prior to the affair, and she locked on to this guy and on and off for a year was with him. She left her e-mail logged in and that is how I found out, the e-mails went back to last year and were very – VERY – graphic on what she had done with him and wanted to do again. We were in counseling for 2 months prior to me finding out and during that time she was still meeting / sleeping with him. Needless to say I am divorcing her even though she says she is sorry – but I know that she is sorry only that he would not leave his wife for her, so she wants to stay with me. Well until she finds someone else I am sure. But this article does help tks.
I think it depends on the couple if they parted in friendly manner then it would be easier.
I was the other woman & broke it off after 4 years. I told him to go home & be a faithful husband. It was the hardest but right thing to do. His silence through our argument made it easier for me to let him go. I know he loved me, you just know this. The ties to his marriage was to tight of an investment for him to leave her. His wife never knew about the affair, so he told. .I now feel sorry for her not knowing the man she is realy married to. So for all you women who are having affairs end it, turn & run. You will breathe better, enjoy life more, a be free of guilt. It will take time as they say but beleive me you"ll feel better for doing it. I do hope he will find the piece in there marriage that is missing.
i had been married for 10 years when I had an affair with a man who was also married. The affair lasted only 2 months and it ended when i confessed the infidelity to my husband. my husband told this man's wife and that was that. No communication, nothing. It ended 20 months ago and it does get easier but i don't know if i'll ever get over this guilt. it hits me often. especially when my husband (who has been incredible during this process) is being especially wonderful. I feel very lucky to have my husband, children and life still intact but i feel guilty for still thinking about this person?
I was married 9 years when I had an affair with a single co-worker. My husband is as close to perfect as a man can get, but I didn't care anymore. I pursued this man until he was mine. When he was, we actively tried to conceive (I have 3 children, he has none). I would be at my home during the day and leave at night for my affair partner's home once my husband came home from work. 2 days after we got our own place, I up and left. I couldn't believe I had done what I had done and let it get so far. My husband took me back, no questions asked. I struggled for a good 3 months to get over my affair partner, but as you said above, you believe it to be something it really is not. I have never felt so much pain in my life, and the worst part is, I caused it myself. I truly believe I will never get over it, but I take it one day at a time. There is nothing else I can do aside from be thankful I still have a husband who loves me and wants to remain married to me.
Hey! I read almost all blogs and comments here and I am impressed how well it addressed my feelings as well. My situation is way too complicated though…. And it would take a while to write it but first I would like to ask a question – why do you think it is necessary to tell about your affair to the person whom you cheated on (your husband or wife)?
I am a married man who had an affiar with a married woman. I noticed her at my kids school as we waited for our kids every day and really thought nothing of it. My wife and I found out that her daughter and ours were best friends and we were invited to the birthday party during the kindergarten year. We didn't talk much to them but I just couldn't take my eyes off her, but still, saw it no different than looking at a passing woman in a mall.
She said she fell in love with me and I in turn allowed myself to fall for her and I felt like I'd found my new best friend. We connected like no other and everything was great, we were supposed to leave our spouses but then she said, I love you like no other BUT Im not ready to leave my husband. I should have stopped it there but I didn't. She later began to bite my head off, closed me out, let me back in and then shut me out again. She let me back in and then told me to move on and basically to F off. Im the bad guy now and Im not over her…….Im tired of it, I never meant a thing to her and it kils me.
I should also mention that my wife didn't want to leave me, that we are working on moving forward but it's very difficult as I battle various emotions daily. The affair was supposed to continue, we said we'd keep in on the DL and meet discretely, but it didn't work out like that. She has her marriage intact, her husband never found out, while mine is on the rocks and yes, it is my fault, yet she goes on living like it never happened. I had an apartment lined up, ready to move out, to start with her, I told her this and her response was "let me know how that goes." So easily she shut me out, and I remind myself that love is what my wife has showed me, yet I miss tthe OW and our connection and how she made me feel….again, I meant nothing to her, hubby finally showed a small bit of interest and now Im the sour grape.
How can a guy move on with his life and back to his wife (of over 24 years) and kids after having a long affair? A long and passionate affair. It was with an ex girlfriend who I loved from the time I met her at 16yrs af age. I never forgot her throughout my married life. We had always remained friends and in contact. It developed 7 years ago, blew into a massively emotional time for both of us because we both realised that we should have always been together. We both have kids and are caring people. I told my wife that I loved this woman. She told her husband that she loved me. She seperated from her husband and now shares custody of her kids. I have been talking and going to councelling for a long time. I would like to get over this but I feel I cant. My wife is willing to forget the past but I cannot forget this woman and the high feelings I had for her. I don't think these feelings can ever be repeated with my wife. I often try to forget her, the other woman, but am finding it difficult to do so. How can I repair my marriage? Will I always compare the feelings I had for this other woman with how I feel for my wife? I care for my wife and a lot of the time I try to imagine us back together. I could continue writing..
It has been a year since my very short affair ended and I can completely relate to everything in this post. It's like you took everything I feel inside and translated it into actual words. The only part that differs for me is that I wanted it to end. After slipping up the affair felt like a chore, I was scared the guy was somehow going to get in touch with my husband so I kept talking to him and meeting him (even though we never slept together again). Finally I decided to come clean and I told him to get lost as he begged me not too. The part that I hate the most, aside from hurting my husband, is that I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I can't come to terms with what I did. I've always been so hard on myself and others when it comes to moral slip-ups and I went ahead and did something like this. To add more injury to all the wounds I caused myself my husband decided to cheat on me during the time we were separated. It's so hard to still have to deal with what I did now I have to deal with all the feelings you get when you find yourself on the other side. Bottom line ladies and gentlemen, cheating never ever leads to anything good. Only years worth of pain.
In case anyone is wondering, my husband and I are trying to work things out. We both came 100% clean and are trying to move forward. It will probably be another year to get over what he has done.
My husband left me for the other woman, and I cannot begin to tell you how much pain, devastation, despair, fear and anger this has caused.
The man with whom I had many years of mostly wonderful memories, the one with whom I shared so many inside jokes and understandings has all of a sudden decided that he now has all that in common with someone he barely knows.
He makes rash, irrational decisions with regards to his life, his career and his marriage and his family all for the high of the here and now with total disregard for his, or anyone else' future.
I am pretty sure their 'relationship will not last, she is not even his 'type' but under the influence of all that dopamine, he can't see the destruction or ramifications.
I really hope it will hit him before it is too late for us, but not holding my breath to be honest.
My husband confided last night that he had an affair. He had asked for a divorce in the summer and I wanted to work on the marriage, he had denied ever cheating. A part of me always wondered, since he is gone so much. I have been neglected for years, not loved. But the last several months have felt like it used to when we first married. I had no idea he had stopped the affair and was trying just as i was, but he could’nt really connect without telling me the truth. So he told me and is anwering all my questions about this relationship that lasted about a year. I think I want to work things out, but this is soooo difficult. I keep imagining him with her. I only hope that fades. Im not sure how i can be physical with him, knowing what I know. He feels horrible and admitted that he wanted to divorce so he wouldnt have to tell me and he could free me to be loved by someone else. I am hopeful that with honesty and him seeing the grass on the other side and choosing our marriage that this can be repaired. This is the worst pain ever, and having two daughters and hope to god no one ever does this to them
Wow! I can really relate to so much that is being said here. My affair (of 18mths) recently ended (her decision) I guess because I couldn't get things together and leave my wife to be with her quick enough. There are so many emotions going through my head. There also have been many things brought into question for me this week about what really was going on with her…and with us in the last few months. Possibly that there were other guys and/or is someone else in her life now. I am so broken hearted about everything too, because she had become my dearest and closest friend. I miss her so much every minute of everyday. I really had felt that we were meant to be together. Now, I don't even know how to pick up the pieces. I don't even know how to put my life back together or where to start. To have come so close to losing my family. I feel like the most horrible person on this planet right now. I don't deserve the love of my family that is for sure. I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror. I can't bare to be in my own skin.
Hi everyone. I am almost three years out of an affair with a maried work colleague. My wife threw me out and I lived alone for some time. Eventually my wife and I got back together and are constantly working on our marriage. The problem is I see my exlover regularly in the street (We don't speak), My wife has put a total contact ban on us (which I fully understand) and which I am observing religously. However every time I see my ex lover I almost fall to pieces. The truth is I am still totaly crazy about her. To me she is my perfect woman.I'm going completly nuts and pining for her like a kid that's lost its mom. It's ot because I miss the excitement of the affair, that's not what it was about. We'd knwn eachother for years before it happened. The wierd thing is that everything is oing OK at home and we seem to be moving on. I just miss my lover like a lost limb. I think we were soulmates, the thing is that there is a balance of fear between us. I;m sure she is living under a contact ban too, although it did end badly. SO I simply don't know if she dsen't wat anything more to do with me or is shejust playing safe and observing the ban like me. I can't check it out because it's soooooooooo damn dangerous. If I contact her will she tell her husband who will tell my wife. does she think I hate her and is keeping her head down and her dignity. All I know is even after all this time I'm ABSOLUTELY NUTS about her and miss her like crazy. I'd die to contact her and put hings straight – but I'd proably die if I did!!!! To be honest I'm in a really really really bad way. I wsh it was just the excitement of the affair I miss – but it's not, it's the true love and appreciation we shared which built up over years working together. She really is my perfect woman. I have a real dilemma and am going nuts. HELP111
I am dealing with exactly with what you are feeling. It has been 27 mos. since my husband cheated on me w/ some tramp that he worked with. I am on anti-depressants, have many times binged on alcohol and even been abusive towards him. The rage within me is so overwhelming that I can understand the emotion that leads someone to kill their spouse. I would never do it, but the feelings of rage and anger are so intense. We were married 16 yrs when this happened and have 4 children. I can't understand how my best friend could do this to me. I also feel as though this will never end and I cannot get over it. You are right, Roxie. Something does die inside of you. The only thing that is carrying me through is my faith in God. Without His Grace, I cannot do this. It is so hard to forgive!! I know it is a decision and an act of the will. It's the times of anger and non-stop bouts of crying that are so hard. He has done everything he possibly can to try to make up for his sin and I always have some reminder (tv, internet, pics, news articles) it seems as if it's never ending. I will pray for you and others that have experience this horrible and undeserved suffering.
I would really think this through carefully. Is the person you cheated on emotionally healthy? Does he or she have any unresolved trauma, i.e. abuse, death of a loved one, abandonment, etc.? If this is the case, it might be a double sunami and I would definitely not tell. It will already be a sunami if you tell. Be prepared for the most intense emotional roller-coaster of your life. For some, it is almost like a death.
i could have written this myself…Thank God for supportive, forgiving husbands.
Peter, I understand what you are going through. I am a single woman trying to end a 7 months affair with a married man who lives in another state. We met 20 years ago, both went on with our lives and got back in touch last summer. Due to home circumstances, he cannot leave although I know he wants desperately to be with me. And I desperately want to be with him. I wake up missing him, miss him during the day and it kills me to think I may go the rest of my life without seeing him.
I've thought a lot about affairs and I'm guessing that if she left her husband you would be with her. Mostly it sounds like fear of change for both of you. After saying all that, is it really fair what your doing to your wife? I'm not saying this to condemn, but from a realistic point of view, how can you fully focus on your wife if you are missing this woman terribly? I understand that. The person I was involved with went beyond the excitement of an affair. We had a real heart-to-heart connection that I've never felt before (we're both 45 so we've been around the block.) Perhaps you need to imagine 10 years down the road with your wife and your lover. This goes against a lot of what most people believe, but if you found your soulmate, and it feels like your lost without her, shouldn't you be with her?
BTW, I divorced 7 years ago. Got out of a marriage that "wasn't bad" but I really felt like I was suffocating and knew I couldn't be happy. I have no regrets over the divorce.
How have you gotten through the separation of being away from your affair partner?
thanks for sharing. sometimes, i don't what the way i feel it
i have a boy friend, but we not feel happy, and everytime, i want to he back. i really love him so much.