How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?

Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

adultery_Part2_by_chuletzI’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 

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213 Responses to “How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?”
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  12. alan says:

    i ended the affair after three and a half years. We were both married. i loved her so much and it really hurt, still does seven months after ending it. i wish i could go back in time and never meet her but i did and have and hope and pray that in the future i will meet her again. hope everyone here who has posted gets the closure and peace they are looking for.

    • Angela says:

      Alan I understand your pain, it will get better. You need to occupy yourself and fill your life with happy things and eventually you will wake up one day and realise that you feel good again. Good luck x

  13. liz says:

    Bottom line.to all men and woman who engage in an Affair.BEWARE YOUR LIES AND DECEIT WILL FIND YOU OUT.dont look for justification in what you did or are doing.as my husband is having affair.and i have. Been followed. To town and spied on by his TART its disgusting.and im over it Love quickly turns to Hate. In this situatiion.HE DENIES IT ALL making me feel like im mad.IM not of course.He wants to cake eat.I dont get it but i am Decent honest loyal wife always worked im a nurse.and i have always kept home clean and tidy meals on table.dress nice .never pushed him away.YET im lied to every day .I will get out and move on.when i can but at moment financially and no job its nit that easy.i.spoke to freind about it.last week he said my husband had told him pack lies reg me and our marriage.iIput.him.straight.on.the.situation.THATfor me tells me somethings .not ever going to change but his lies found him out.i,move out next month..all.dreams and future lost.in.an.affair their is always 3 PERSONS .LIVES.NOT.THE 2 HAVING THE AFFAIR.the 3.rd rparty. Is also in one word the and families it destroys are just COLATERAL DAMAGE OF THEIR SELFISH DISPICABLE ACTIONS..i.i.became numb over time and kinda disasociated.myself from it all i think its our survival instinct..i will never TRUST. ANITHER MAN EVER. As long as i live.

    • julie says:

      Hi liz,,you Sound just as feel right now, I have loved my partner for 25 years, been a great mum, always worked and never been unfaithful.
      I really don't. Know how he could do this, he was my best friend and lover, we had it all but that in the end was not enough, I'm in very early days 7 days in and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
      I don't hate him yet I still love him and at the min I would take him back but he's in love with the woman so no way we have had sex so he's cheated on her already, I don't know why I wanted to sleep with him maybe to feel close again who knows.
      He's still living in the house because its financially convientant at the min,but he's swanning around like he's over the fact of hurting me but 3 days ago he told me he loves me to bits and he hates what he's done to me,,,
      That hurts me just watching him getting on with his life and he seems so happy, he texts and rings her every min he can up to 50 times a day even in front of me…how hurtful is that. I am at my wits end, drying inside.

  14. Kaylee Thomasson says:

    Affairs rarely end well… I unknowingly started an affair with a married man 8 years ago and its been the most heart breaking 8 years of my life. I am a white women and I met an Indian man and instantly became very comfortable around him, he was like no one id ever met before and the attraction was instant. Although I was only 18 at the time I felt like it was true love and that this was the best thing id ever experienced… it turns out very different to what I first experienced. Everything appeared normal for the first 6 months although little things kept cropping up as to why he couldn't stay over and why his phone was so secretly hidden but as a naïve young women I dismissed all these little signs and just acted oblivious to the whole thing. After around 9 months of dating I became pregnant with twins,for me this came as a shock and most certainly did to him too. As my world seemed so blissful I couldn't have ever imagined the shock wake up call that was about to expose itself. At 8 months pregnant I find out he is married with 2 children and literally has no intention of moving in with me or showing me any kind of commitment. This strain and stress caused me to go into premature labour and I ended up having an emergency situation on my hands which he wasn't even around for. Shortly after the birth of my daughters sure enough he came worming his way back into the equation and silly old me fell right back into the affair, of course I was vulnerable and somewhat in need of support but it was the love I had for him that kept me involved. As the time passed on the children were getting older and his marriage was still existent, I pleaded for him to move in with us so we could be a family but he just wouldn't commit to me or start any divorce proceedings. I basically feel I have wasted so many years on a man I fell in love me who tricked me into a life that I could have never had as my own. I waited around and listening to all the promises and excuses and in the end it just mentally destroyed me to the point I had to make him choose me or them and guess who he choose THEM! so basically now I have to accept that my children are around his wife and they all play happy families like nothing has happened and I am the one left heartbroken and unable to move forward in my life. I believe playing this game is always going to be a loosing battle as many people simply do not have the courage to walk away from their marriages. I feel for anyone going through this but if I had of known he had a wife id have kept well away and left him many years ago. My mental health. physical health and all round personality has suffered so much over this life style its like I have been living in another world. Please consider the consequences before you start an affair its life changing for many people around you.

  15. truth says:

    for those of you that had affair and had a wife or husband, should drink a gallon of ex-lax and shit yourself just on the brink of death. harsh? not so much as what you put on your spouse. what you have done is put a gun to the back of there head.

  16. Joy says:

    My ap just ened mine and I am so heartbroken trying to figure thingz out. I statred seeing him for sex but it turned out we fell in love and saw esch other for4 years and then he broke it off he is single and is 55 years old and and is just tired of being alone and with me bei g married I could not be there all the time it hurts so bad! I dont know what to do I have to see him at work I dont know how to get over it

  17. Iris says:

    Yes…it changes you and you are never ever the same…a whole is left in my heart..a space that he took…never ever did I feel what I felt for him with anyone…not even my husband…the attraction was instant and strong…physical emotional and magical and mystical…something you see in movies…2 1/2 years I snuck around…eventually I told and wanted to leave my very long and not really all that bad marriage…then I became the pawn between 2 men and a family that I also had…Children and grandchildren…I quit my career on account of this guy and put myself in financial jeopardy. There is so much more to this storey and it still causes me pain…so in the end I let him go….and moved across the country…my best advice is this…don't do it…its not worth the pain…its ugly…and unless you really didn't love them with such intensity..it never ever goes away.

  18. Alwayslovinghim says:

    Everyday I read websites like this of anything I can find to make me feel better. And for a little while it does. But after a couple days I'm back to the depression and struggling to make it day to day. This is my story:
    I am a married woman in my 30's. I have a 3 year old daughter and have been married for almost 9 years now. I met a man at work in late 2012. He flirted all the time and the attention was nice. I never felt hat good at home. The problem was he was also married. By the end of November 2012 we were talking all the time. Anything and everything you could think of. It was exhilarating and we had a connection. By Christmas that year we had progressed to being in love. By the January of 2013 it had turned physical. His wife found out and he was forbid contact. That didn't stop anything because there were fake e-mail and Facebook accounts set up. So by February they were divorced. I thought I could be as well and we would be happy. I just needed some time to get things together. By my birthday in June he was talking to other girls. Said he loved me and it was nothing. By October he met someone else that he knew in high school and he was in love with her. Treated me horribly and like I was nothing. I was so depressed I don't know how I even got out of bed. By February the next year he was back. We were so good, better than the first time and I was leaving because nothing could stop me. Except it could. ME! I have a daughter I have to think about and what would this do to her. What had it already done to her? My god how I can be this selfish. My husband is a good person but we have fell apart. Most of this my doing. Sex was pretty much non existent and when it was it was awful. But with my AP it was amazing. Passionate and out of this world. Nothing can ever compare. But by July 2014 he was tired of waiting on me and three weeks later had a new girlfriend who he was in love with and moved in with five weeks after that. Heard from him one time to tell me he no longer loved me and he was over it. Really? How can you just be over it? You loved me so much but your over it? So it's been a year and I'm not over it. I don't think I ever will be. It does get easier and there are more good days than bad but I think about him all the time. I know it isn't right and typing this makes me think even more how pathetic he is. I don't think him and the new girlfriend will last past years if they did marry but that's on him not me and my goal is to make peace with myself and my husband and take care of my daughter because she deserves better than I have given her and so does my husband. I can relate to all of you but there is no need to make rude comments to me because believe me no one feels more horrible than anyone who has been in this situation. We have to live with this and it's unbearable but we do it so your rude comments can be kept to yourself because frankly they don't touch us like our own guilt.

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