How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?

Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

adultery_Part2_by_chuletzI’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 

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228 Responses to “How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?”
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  12. alan says:

    i ended the affair after three and a half years. We were both married. i loved her so much and it really hurt, still does seven months after ending it. i wish i could go back in time and never meet her but i did and have and hope and pray that in the future i will meet her again. hope everyone here who has posted gets the closure and peace they are looking for.

    • Angela says:

      Alan I understand your pain, it will get better. You need to occupy yourself and fill your life with happy things and eventually you will wake up one day and realise that you feel good again. Good luck x

  13. liz says:

    Bottom all men and woman who engage in an Affair.BEWARE YOUR LIES AND DECEIT WILL FIND YOU OUT.dont look for justification in what you did or are my husband is having affair.and i have. Been followed. To town and spied on by his TART its disgusting.and im over it Love quickly turns to Hate. In this situatiion.HE DENIES IT ALL making me feel like im mad.IM not of course.He wants to cake eat.I dont get it but i am Decent honest loyal wife always worked im a nurse.and i have always kept home clean and tidy meals on table.dress nice .never pushed him away.YET im lied to every day .I will get out and move on.when i can but at moment financially and no job its nit that easy.i.spoke to freind about it.last week he said my husband had told him pack lies reg me and our marriage.iIput.him.straight.on.the.situation.THATfor me tells me somethings .not ever going to change but his lies found him out.i,move out next month..all.dreams and future their is always 3 PERSONS .LIVES.NOT.THE 2 HAVING THE AFFAIR.the 3.rd rparty. Is also in one word the and families it destroys are just COLATERAL DAMAGE OF THEIR SELFISH DISPICABLE ACTIONS..i.i.became numb over time and kinda disasociated.myself from it all i think its our survival instinct..i will never TRUST. ANITHER MAN EVER. As long as i live.

    • julie says:

      Hi liz,,you Sound just as feel right now, I have loved my partner for 25 years, been a great mum, always worked and never been unfaithful.
      I really don't. Know how he could do this, he was my best friend and lover, we had it all but that in the end was not enough, I'm in very early days 7 days in and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
      I don't hate him yet I still love him and at the min I would take him back but he's in love with the woman so no way we have had sex so he's cheated on her already, I don't know why I wanted to sleep with him maybe to feel close again who knows.
      He's still living in the house because its financially convientant at the min,but he's swanning around like he's over the fact of hurting me but 3 days ago he told me he loves me to bits and he hates what he's done to me,,,
      That hurts me just watching him getting on with his life and he seems so happy, he texts and rings her every min he can up to 50 times a day even in front of me…how hurtful is that. I am at my wits end, drying inside.

  14. Kaylee Thomasson says:

    Affairs rarely end well… I unknowingly started an affair with a married man 8 years ago and its been the most heart breaking 8 years of my life. I am a white women and I met an Indian man and instantly became very comfortable around him, he was like no one id ever met before and the attraction was instant. Although I was only 18 at the time I felt like it was true love and that this was the best thing id ever experienced… it turns out very different to what I first experienced. Everything appeared normal for the first 6 months although little things kept cropping up as to why he couldn't stay over and why his phone was so secretly hidden but as a naïve young women I dismissed all these little signs and just acted oblivious to the whole thing. After around 9 months of dating I became pregnant with twins,for me this came as a shock and most certainly did to him too. As my world seemed so blissful I couldn't have ever imagined the shock wake up call that was about to expose itself. At 8 months pregnant I find out he is married with 2 children and literally has no intention of moving in with me or showing me any kind of commitment. This strain and stress caused me to go into premature labour and I ended up having an emergency situation on my hands which he wasn't even around for. Shortly after the birth of my daughters sure enough he came worming his way back into the equation and silly old me fell right back into the affair, of course I was vulnerable and somewhat in need of support but it was the love I had for him that kept me involved. As the time passed on the children were getting older and his marriage was still existent, I pleaded for him to move in with us so we could be a family but he just wouldn't commit to me or start any divorce proceedings. I basically feel I have wasted so many years on a man I fell in love me who tricked me into a life that I could have never had as my own. I waited around and listening to all the promises and excuses and in the end it just mentally destroyed me to the point I had to make him choose me or them and guess who he choose THEM! so basically now I have to accept that my children are around his wife and they all play happy families like nothing has happened and I am the one left heartbroken and unable to move forward in my life. I believe playing this game is always going to be a loosing battle as many people simply do not have the courage to walk away from their marriages. I feel for anyone going through this but if I had of known he had a wife id have kept well away and left him many years ago. My mental health. physical health and all round personality has suffered so much over this life style its like I have been living in another world. Please consider the consequences before you start an affair its life changing for many people around you.

  15. truth says:

    for those of you that had affair and had a wife or husband, should drink a gallon of ex-lax and shit yourself just on the brink of death. harsh? not so much as what you put on your spouse. what you have done is put a gun to the back of there head.

  16. Joy says:

    My ap just ened mine and I am so heartbroken trying to figure thingz out. I statred seeing him for sex but it turned out we fell in love and saw esch other for4 years and then he broke it off he is single and is 55 years old and and is just tired of being alone and with me bei g married I could not be there all the time it hurts so bad! I dont know what to do I have to see him at work I dont know how to get over it

  17. Iris says:

    Yes…it changes you and you are never ever the same…a whole is left in my heart..a space that he took…never ever did I feel what I felt for him with anyone…not even my husband…the attraction was instant and strong…physical emotional and magical and mystical…something you see in movies…2 1/2 years I snuck around…eventually I told and wanted to leave my very long and not really all that bad marriage…then I became the pawn between 2 men and a family that I also had…Children and grandchildren…I quit my career on account of this guy and put myself in financial jeopardy. There is so much more to this storey and it still causes me pain…so in the end I let him go….and moved across the country…my best advice is this…don't do it…its not worth the pain…its ugly…and unless you really didn't love them with such never ever goes away.

  18. Alwayslovinghim says:

    Everyday I read websites like this of anything I can find to make me feel better. And for a little while it does. But after a couple days I'm back to the depression and struggling to make it day to day. This is my story:
    I am a married woman in my 30's. I have a 3 year old daughter and have been married for almost 9 years now. I met a man at work in late 2012. He flirted all the time and the attention was nice. I never felt hat good at home. The problem was he was also married. By the end of November 2012 we were talking all the time. Anything and everything you could think of. It was exhilarating and we had a connection. By Christmas that year we had progressed to being in love. By the January of 2013 it had turned physical. His wife found out and he was forbid contact. That didn't stop anything because there were fake e-mail and Facebook accounts set up. So by February they were divorced. I thought I could be as well and we would be happy. I just needed some time to get things together. By my birthday in June he was talking to other girls. Said he loved me and it was nothing. By October he met someone else that he knew in high school and he was in love with her. Treated me horribly and like I was nothing. I was so depressed I don't know how I even got out of bed. By February the next year he was back. We were so good, better than the first time and I was leaving because nothing could stop me. Except it could. ME! I have a daughter I have to think about and what would this do to her. What had it already done to her? My god how I can be this selfish. My husband is a good person but we have fell apart. Most of this my doing. Sex was pretty much non existent and when it was it was awful. But with my AP it was amazing. Passionate and out of this world. Nothing can ever compare. But by July 2014 he was tired of waiting on me and three weeks later had a new girlfriend who he was in love with and moved in with five weeks after that. Heard from him one time to tell me he no longer loved me and he was over it. Really? How can you just be over it? You loved me so much but your over it? So it's been a year and I'm not over it. I don't think I ever will be. It does get easier and there are more good days than bad but I think about him all the time. I know it isn't right and typing this makes me think even more how pathetic he is. I don't think him and the new girlfriend will last past years if they did marry but that's on him not me and my goal is to make peace with myself and my husband and take care of my daughter because she deserves better than I have given her and so does my husband. I can relate to all of you but there is no need to make rude comments to me because believe me no one feels more horrible than anyone who has been in this situation. We have to live with this and it's unbearable but we do it so your rude comments can be kept to yourself because frankly they don't touch us like our own guilt.

    • LJ Rushing says:

      I'm not going to make rude comments at you or say anything bad but I have some questions. First I have been married to my wife for 30 years. We married when I was 19 and she was 18 and we had been with nobody else, only been intimate with each other. For 30 years I tried to win my wife's heart but she made it clear she loved me but not as a husband. I loved her so much that I thought I had enough love for both of us. About five years ago while talking one night the conversation turned to us. Eventually it got to the point of sex and she told me something that crushed my heart. She told me she had never liked having sex with me and she would fantasize about other men just to be able to have sex with me. This crushed me but I love her and would not give up, yes I am a fool. Fast forward to on year ago. My wife went to an exercise marathon in another town and was going to spend the night with a friend we have both known for years. The next mornign when she came home something was off. She was cold and distant. After a few hours I asked her if she was having an affair. At first she denied it but then admitted to it and said she was in love with him and had no feelings for me. I gave her a choice me or him. She would not let me meet him which looking back is good because I was not thinking straight and was feeling the old emotions from the days I used to like to fight. I honestly think I would have beat him to death. She chose me and like an idiot I forgave her right then, didn't forget it or stop hurting but forgave her. I still have to forgive her from day to day because even after a year it still hurts. Well I later found out they had continued to keep seeing each other having sex four to five times a week, unprotected sex and then having sex with me that night. This still makes me so angry that at times I have to disappear to cool down because I have never raised a hand to her and I never will, but in the mornings his thing was where my mouth was that night! This makes me mad just typing it! Well they finally broke it off and she found out he was just using her for sex while he was working out of town, he lived in Florida and we live in Texas. He had told her how he was going to leave his wife but later she found out he was seeing another woman at the same time he was seeing her. They spent the night in a hotel in Shreveport one night, another time she had lied to me but I trusted her and believed her, and the man had spent the night in the same room the night before with the other woman! Well he broke my wifes heart and of course I was there to pick up the pieces. It has been a year but this month is when it all started, it started the day of my birthday last year. I know she feels bad about what she did but sometimes I think she feels worse that he broke her heart. She claims she doesn't love him and I can tell she does love me know as a husband, I can tell in the way she does everything, making love, holding my hand, talking to me. I still hurt and some days I wish I had taken my life like I started to about two weeks after finding out about the affair. Some days it hurts so bad that it just seems like the entire world just goes black and cold. I don't enjoy anything I used to enjoy and have come very close to having a fling a few times just to see what the hell all the excitement was. I also think about having a fling sometimes because now she has been with another man but I have only been with her.

    • LJRushing says:

      . I feel compared and measured up to him. I am 6ft tall, dark hair, very tan, exercise regularly and have very little body fat. Although I have a hard time believing it a lot of women have told me I am very handsome. The one she had an affair with is 5ft tall on the heavy side with a gut, grey hair and not handsome at all. He manhood is tiny according to her, and she told a friend this way before I found out about the affair. She told her friend that the first time she say it she thought he had been in an accident because the was only about the size of my thumb! I am not a porn star but I am well above average. So what the hell could she have seen in him? I have always been very very good to my wife giving her massages, giving her cards for no reason except I loved her, leaving little notes for her, cleaning the house and such. In the bedroom sex had stopped. For over three years she said it hurt her and I got tired of being rejected. But I still can't understand why she did this. She claims it was the attention but I flooded her with attention! Here's my question. Having an affair bothers you but what bothers you worse, that he broke your heart or how you made your husband feel? I want to grow old with my wife but at the same time I wonder if I should be with her. I spent 30 years trying to win her heart and be the best husband she could ever find but failed. She knew him less that two days and fell in love with him. I'm lost. I don't like the fact that I think about having a fling. I have women flirt with me all the time and a couple have made it very clear they wanted to do more than flirt. In the past I would not even talk to another woman because i felt like it was cheating on my wife, now I flirt back. I am beginning to hate myself because that is not who I am! I don't really know what I want to know. I guess do you think your marriage will ever be normal? How is your husband handling all of it?I honestly don't now what to do. I'm not afraid of being alone because I would have to be for more than a couple of days. I just don't like the thought of her not being there in the mornings when I wake, her face being the first thing I see every morning. I don't like the idea of not hearing her voice or feeling he hand in mine. After 30 plus years together I still love her with all my heart and only want her. But will I ever be normal again? Will I ever stop hurting? Will I ever enjoy life again?

    • Jay says:

      I'm not meaning this to be rude. You need to read, "How to Help Him Get Over Your Affair."

  19. Kaylee says:

    I had an affair with a married man as well. The difference is that he was my first love, my first of everything. We were two teenagers that fell in love. At 16 years of age respectfully, he broke up with me due to his parents insecurities about him and I. We then reconnected 25 years later. He was on his fourth marriage, while I was in my first marriage of 21 years. I stilled loved him, he 'realized' that he still loved me. Although, I hadn't changed too much, he had. He was wounded, guarded and even displayed bi polar characteristics at times from all the events, marriages and circumstances in life. My ex has the gift of gab, smart, intelligent and indeed could get any woman he wanted. Very attractive.

    My husband and I were going thru a rough patch and my old fling looked good to me. His body was perfect in every dimension, the most handsome man ever and his walk would command every woman in the room to pay attention. Eye candy. Not to brag but his 4th wife was no match for me – so I thought for sure that if I wanted him forever, that I could have him. Once we met, shared email and phone conversations for two years, we met up and spent four nights together. We realized that we were soul mates and didn't want to be apart. He consulted with a divorce attorney and what do you know – the attorney told him that in the state he resided women had allot of power. His two children would go with her, he'd pay child and spousal support too. Finding out about this stressed him out to the core. Then he realized that he could never be apart from his children even in another home. Not now at least. So his plan was to pay for her college education, she'd get a job then he'd leave her. 3 to 5 years in an affair was not an option for me. Not to mention that he started saying things like, "I'm not going to leave her for you". "Like I told my wife, leave if you want. Your not the only women in the world. I wont cry for you". Or, "why are you calling me at work I don't like surprise phone calls." Yet I could call prior to our beautiful nights. Then more and more excuses arose. So, I'd leave only to return because he said he couldn't live without me. One day, I had strength. I broke it off with him and told him that I would inform my husband of our affair. He immediately blocked me from all communication, but before he did, He said, "Your not concerned with my situation so bye!" For the life of me I couldn't figure out why his attitude towards me changed. Before it was call me, text me, send me pics, I love you…blah blah. Then when his wife returned from a 2 month vacation in Germany. It was I'm busy, I'm sleepy, I forgot to call you etc etc. He changed, Once I started pushing him to either leave or give me an exact date.

    Ladies, if he loves you – he wouldn't put you in this type of situation. If he loves you money wouldn't be an option as another excuse was he'd lose all his money. If he loves you he'd show you and not just say it. It's been a year since I left and I pat myself on the back every day and I even give myself a hug – why because I walked away. Everything I read about 'he won't leave you for his wife' is true. No matter how cute you are. How sexy you look. If you have implants etc. Even if you do exercises to keep yourself tight. He won't leave her for you!!!

    And just so I won't be an idiot and take him back my friends harassed him and his wife on a social media site. They scared the crap out of him without mentioning the particulars publicly, even demanding that he call and apologize to me for his deceptive and dishonest lies – but he got the message. I hope that he won't do this to another woman. Cause her heartbreak and pain like he did to me. But, I was wrong too. I should've never slept with him. I should've never contacted him so many years ago. Right now, I have one job and that is too daily forgive myself for the affair, love my husband even more, love myself by not devaluing myself for any man, and learn from my mistakes. If this posting can help one person I'm thankful. If your thinking about having an affair don't do it. If your in one, get out.

  20. Mike says:

    I had an affair for 3 years and I had to end it as my lover wanted the whole thing leave my wife my kid the lot but I couldn't bring myself to do it. What I thought was doing the right thing and ending the affair but I don't have the same love closeness I had with my lover. My wife is the perfect wife loving great mum works hard in her job but there is no spark no passion our love life is just well normal nothing great we do it and it's done but my lover enjoyed our sex she would talk to me about her needs and what she like and don't like. It's been over 5 weeks and I am in bits ripped with jealousy that my lover will share all our special moments with someone else all she ever wanted was a normal loving relationship. The jealousy is killing me

  21. Guest says:

    I had a one night stand with a childhood crush when I was 19. Ended up pregnant. At the time I felt like the best interest for me and my child was to never tell him. 12 yrs later he sees my son on fb. Calls me up, questions me and I admit the truth. I had recently split from 7yr partner. 5months later he tells me his marriage he been over and he is moving out. We get close we become intimate 5 months later pregnant with his daughter. He keeps it a secret moves out when she is born he moves on his own. We continue in our relationship come to find out he still is intimate with his wife. They are working out there marriage. I'm currently pregnant with his child, last time we were together before he went back. He has visitations with the kids, he wants to be friends but I can't. I refuse to be friends. I will let him be in the kids life but that is it. I knew him since I was 12 I think I crushed on him my whole life. So they will never leave no matter what. Eve if you are their secret family they go back to the real one.

  22. Carol says:

    I've been married 27 years to a wonderful man though he ignores me, takes me for granted and is not interested in sex. After a series of personal crisises, I began an affair with a MM. For two years it was spectacular. We had days of passion together that exceeded my most wonderful dreams. Not only were we lovers, but we became best friends. I always struggled with the guilt and worried about getting caught. I had to pretend things were great at home, and my husband is so happy with me and how nice I've been, that he would never suspect. In reality, I only felt happy when I was with my lover As it always happens, my AP's wife found out. Luckily, my lover shielded my identity. He has always claimed he wanted to leave his wife, and would do it in a heartbeat, but I have always maintained I would NEVER leave my husband. He wants to continue and just be more careful, but I want to end it, not just for my own family, but for his. I can't keep lying and sneaking around like this. If I'm found out my life will be over. There will be no forgiveness if my H finds out. I want to go back to my husband, resume being the good wife I was for over two decades and seek counseling. My lover wants to either move out of his house and continue being with me or stay in his house and continue. He says his marriage was over years ago. I want him to stay with his family and work it out. The big problem is I still crave him and he craves me. How do I get on with my life and forget him? I feel responsible for his messed up home situation and guilty about just ending it with him. I deserve the tears and misery I brought upon myself; but too many innocent people are getting hurt. I urge anyone considering an affair, don't do it. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

  23. Emma says:

    Where do I begin? I'm married, but I met a guy at college who is also married and has one (now two) kids. I have no kids and am not planning to until I have things figured out. After months of getting to know each other better and flirting, we went on a trip with our university and found out that we both like each other. After a few weeks of messaging each other we had sex twice. Best sex of my life. It was incredible. I'm sure feeling naughty was a big factor, but our bodies were so compatible where mine and my husbands are not. I'm not sure I'll ever find anything like it again. The sex happened during summer break, and one week before the semester started he told me he was going to try and do the "right thing". I still have to see him almost every day because we have a class together. It's torture. He seems pretty solid on doing the right this but we still talk sometimes. It's hard to know if it's really over or not.
    Carrying this secret is a heavy burden. Putting it here helps a little though. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my husband.
    I'm in a tough situation. And I've done it all to myself. I can't stop thinking about this guy and wanting him in a sexual way. I don't see how we can have a normal friendship at school after going through this. I can't escape being around him until he graduates.I feel lost and completely alone. I know I'm a bad person for doing this, but now I have to figure out how to survive with the mess I've made.

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