How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?

Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

adultery_Part2_by_chuletzI’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 

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206 Responses to “How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?”
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  12. alan says:

    i ended the affair after three and a half years. We were both married. i loved her so much and it really hurt, still does seven months after ending it. i wish i could go back in time and never meet her but i did and have and hope and pray that in the future i will meet her again. hope everyone here who has posted gets the closure and peace they are looking for.

    • Angela says:

      Alan I understand your pain, it will get better. You need to occupy yourself and fill your life with happy things and eventually you will wake up one day and realise that you feel good again. Good luck x

  13. liz says:

    Bottom all men and woman who engage in an Affair.BEWARE YOUR LIES AND DECEIT WILL FIND YOU OUT.dont look for justification in what you did or are my husband is having affair.and i have. Been followed. To town and spied on by his TART its disgusting.and im over it Love quickly turns to Hate. In this situatiion.HE DENIES IT ALL making me feel like im mad.IM not of course.He wants to cake eat.I dont get it but i am Decent honest loyal wife always worked im a nurse.and i have always kept home clean and tidy meals on table.dress nice .never pushed him away.YET im lied to every day .I will get out and move on.when i can but at moment financially and no job its nit that easy.i.spoke to freind about it.last week he said my husband had told him pack lies reg me and our marriage.iIput.him.straight.on.the.situation.THATfor me tells me somethings .not ever going to change but his lies found him out.i,move out next month..all.dreams and future their is always 3 PERSONS .LIVES.NOT.THE 2 HAVING THE AFFAIR.the 3.rd rparty. Is also in one word the and families it destroys are just COLATERAL DAMAGE OF THEIR SELFISH DISPICABLE ACTIONS..i.i.became numb over time and kinda disasociated.myself from it all i think its our survival instinct..i will never TRUST. ANITHER MAN EVER. As long as i live.

    • julie says:

      Hi liz,,you Sound just as feel right now, I have loved my partner for 25 years, been a great mum, always worked and never been unfaithful.
      I really don't. Know how he could do this, he was my best friend and lover, we had it all but that in the end was not enough, I'm in very early days 7 days in and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
      I don't hate him yet I still love him and at the min I would take him back but he's in love with the woman so no way we have had sex so he's cheated on her already, I don't know why I wanted to sleep with him maybe to feel close again who knows.
      He's still living in the house because its financially convientant at the min,but he's swanning around like he's over the fact of hurting me but 3 days ago he told me he loves me to bits and he hates what he's done to me,,,
      That hurts me just watching him getting on with his life and he seems so happy, he texts and rings her every min he can up to 50 times a day even in front of me…how hurtful is that. I am at my wits end, drying inside.

  14. Kaylee Thomasson says:

    Affairs rarely end well… I unknowingly started an affair with a married man 8 years ago and its been the most heart breaking 8 years of my life. I am a white women and I met an Indian man and instantly became very comfortable around him, he was like no one id ever met before and the attraction was instant. Although I was only 18 at the time I felt like it was true love and that this was the best thing id ever experienced… it turns out very different to what I first experienced. Everything appeared normal for the first 6 months although little things kept cropping up as to why he couldn't stay over and why his phone was so secretly hidden but as a naïve young women I dismissed all these little signs and just acted oblivious to the whole thing. After around 9 months of dating I became pregnant with twins,for me this came as a shock and most certainly did to him too. As my world seemed so blissful I couldn't have ever imagined the shock wake up call that was about to expose itself. At 8 months pregnant I find out he is married with 2 children and literally has no intention of moving in with me or showing me any kind of commitment. This strain and stress caused me to go into premature labour and I ended up having an emergency situation on my hands which he wasn't even around for. Shortly after the birth of my daughters sure enough he came worming his way back into the equation and silly old me fell right back into the affair, of course I was vulnerable and somewhat in need of support but it was the love I had for him that kept me involved. As the time passed on the children were getting older and his marriage was still existent, I pleaded for him to move in with us so we could be a family but he just wouldn't commit to me or start any divorce proceedings. I basically feel I have wasted so many years on a man I fell in love me who tricked me into a life that I could have never had as my own. I waited around and listening to all the promises and excuses and in the end it just mentally destroyed me to the point I had to make him choose me or them and guess who he choose THEM! so basically now I have to accept that my children are around his wife and they all play happy families like nothing has happened and I am the one left heartbroken and unable to move forward in my life. I believe playing this game is always going to be a loosing battle as many people simply do not have the courage to walk away from their marriages. I feel for anyone going through this but if I had of known he had a wife id have kept well away and left him many years ago. My mental health. physical health and all round personality has suffered so much over this life style its like I have been living in another world. Please consider the consequences before you start an affair its life changing for many people around you.

  15. truth says:

    for those of you that had affair and had a wife or husband, should drink a gallon of ex-lax and shit yourself just on the brink of death. harsh? not so much as what you put on your spouse. what you have done is put a gun to the back of there head.

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