How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?

Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

adultery_Part2_by_chuletzI’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 

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Comments

162 Responses to “How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?”
  1. not happy says:

    I don't understand liars. If you can't be honest with your spouse, why are you married to that person? Do yourself and your spouse a favor and make up your fucking mind. Be married or be single. If you want both, then be single, because your spouse deserves better than your fucked-up confused self.

    • BeenThere says:

      If only it were that easy.

    • suffocating says:

      Easier said than done. When i calmly talked to my husband about a divorce i said i cherish all we've shared and created together but our marriage isnt worth holding on to anymore. He said i can leave but without the kids. I wont get into financial issues etc. You have no idea what people can turn into when they dont want to divorce. Can get ugly. Thats why some people choose affairs rather than starting over. They know its wrong but they feel trapped and act out. The cheated on spouse isnt always a victim. Not saying i dont understand their pain (been there in previous relationship) but many times the cheating spouse has had it up to his/her neck (done that). And i fought the urge for years before succumbing to it. Sometimes you meet a person that you cant resist. If you are only dating or there are no kids, then i say break up and move on if unhappy. In marriages its not so black and white.

      • BeenThere says:

        You are so right to take the tag 'suffocating.' I've used that often to describe my situation. Do you find it difficult to explain how you feel to others? We went to counceling for about 8 months and that was a big waste of time. I swear, it often made things worse. I don't know where to begin to get out of my situation, or if I'm really sure I want to. One thing is for sure and that's the pain that goes around after an affair. You really question why would you do such a thing if you were really in love to begin with? As I'm sure you know an affair takes an extraordinary amount of energy … physical, emotional, mental .. you name it. So why do we do it? Is it enough just to be content with someone? I think that's the situaiton most people are in after a long marriage. No energy to even think about a change, and in the end they fell their situation is just not that bad.

  2. Lysee says:

    I'm posting here to find some solace to my pain because I can't talk to anyone about this affair I had. I've been married to my husband almost 10 years. Long story short he'd been an alcoholic for the first 8 years of our marriage. We have two small children. After years of asking to get help I gave up and resigned myself that this was going to be my life. I was starved for love and affection. I was in a horrible place in my life about 18 months ago when I met my lover.

    The love I feel for this man, who is 25 by the way and I'm 38, is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. The connection we share is indescrible. I have never felt so comfortable and connected to another human being as I do with him. About 6 months into the affair my husband drank himself into the hospital. He decided to change his life and stopped drinking. He's a better father and better husband. The problem is that I've devoted myself so much to this other man I no longer love my husband.

  3. Lysee says:

    My lover began to feel pain & extreme jealousy because the woman he loved, lived with and had sex with another man. He tried to turn a blind eye but it began to become too much. We broke up several times and got back together several times.

    We just broke up again yesterday. It got to be too much for him to keep sharing me. When I was with him it was great & when we were apart it was turmoil. I wanted to grow old with him & live my life with him by my side every day. However, he wasn't willing to be responsible for breaking up my marriage and destroying my kids lives through a divorce.

  4. Lysee says:

    I'm terrified by what I'm reading on this site. I want to move on and not look back. The only thing I can think of is to hand over my life to God and ask him to help me. I pray that when a full year has passed I will gain clarity and see him and our relationship for what it was and that I will not look back and yearn for the past.

    I do feel like that I will always love him and carry him in my heart till the day I die and that scares me. I just wish some day that wouldn't be true because it's unbearable to have him living in my heart and now try to pick up the pieces of my marriage. By the way my husband never found out. I can only hope time heals my heart and that I am able to love my husband once again.

    • Knowledge says:

      Lysee, I understand that you are torn by the affair you’re having and the pain you are feeling from the current separation between you and your lover. It is so thick I can feel it in your writing. The connection you feel to your lover may seem to be an unbearable thing to break now or in the future, but if you truly want to save your sanity and your marriage you’ll do the hardest thing you think you’ll ever have to do. It will break your heart, or at least feel like that’s what’s happening but what you’re really doing is breaking the pattern of reliance upon your lover that you established however long ago to fill the void that was sorely missing from your marriage. This person meets a major need for you, perhaps many, and the addiction to what they give you can only be severed cold turkey. That’s the beauty and pain of affairs. They are entirely unpredictable and there is always pain to be met at the ending of one. There is no escape. We don’t want to bring ourselves pain so like a drug addict we’d rather continue taking the drugs we know are bad for us, that destroy our soul, and who we are as a person, instead of accepting the pain of what’s to come, because out of that pain will come redemption and healing for yourself. You need this. There is no other way. If you want to save your marriage, resign yourself to doing the right thing. You may need to build yourself up to it, or you may need to reach absolute bottom like so many affair partners. You will likely also be saving this young man who at 25 years old still has a lot to learn about what it means to be a man and to please a woman. I wish the absolute best to you… and your family.

      • Berta says:

        1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Also my dear you may not have told your spouse but God promises what is in darkness he brings to light. So whether you do it or not God will let it come out some day and when he does you need to be prepared for the consequenses.

      • Kath F. says:

        Knowledge, you're so right. Something is always missing when there is an affair. xxoxoox

    • mrye says:

      If you care at all for your husband, leave him now, your not doing that man any favors and no matter what he's done or not done, nobody deserves to be humiliated like that. You know what is really sad is that when the fun is over and reality sets in that what you think is love isn't and the man who committed himself to you, the one who really does love you is the one who suffers most..Do him a favor, you are a shallow, selfish person. If your so unhappy leave now and spare your husband years of pain and stop loking for God to fix your own self made issues.

  5. JFin says:

    Where do I begin ? I felt I didn't love my wife – I left but shortly afterwards met someone that I thought was great we were seeing each other for a number of months. I put an end to the affair when reality kicked in. I tried everything to sort my marriage – my wife suggested counselling and a specific counsellor we went numerous times – counsellor never seemed to address the difficulties or problems we were having in our marriage prior to my affair. Shortly after counselling my wife said 'she was never going to try' – so why then counselling ? She also said that she would get over it but it would take time. It is now 3 years down the line and we are not living together, barely talking and I am at my wits end – I love her but I truely wish I didn't now – she obviously doesn't love me. I have done all I can do … do I just walk away ??

  6. TG&CG says:

    well i need to add another dimension … i had an affair for a year with a women at work then got caught.The fallout was of course hard. i stayed with my wife i thought it was the right thing to do. counselling for two years and things were better.. i then i my first night away on my own at a company function. i had no intension of cheating again but life doesn't work in set patterns. i had my breath taken and maybe thats fates why of letting me know how it is on the other side.. i did see this women more than once. its stupid as it was 3 nights 1 days and a lunch. the lunch was spent in a park and we the best date i'll ever have… we chatted over e-mail daily. i have just spent our last night together as she has a boyfriend now and wants to be faithful.. so this affair thing is a two way street .. yes i am sad about cheating again but i am sad as i have lost the women i met who made my my heart skip .. so feel i've been cheated on and im here feeling crushed and wondering if i will ever give my heart like that again.. probabley not.. so back to being married living the wrong life .. yes a coward but i'd rather have the pain than others

    • BeenThere says:

      I know where you're coming from. It's easier to stay in the marriage, but there is always something tugging you away and the thought of a new life, new beginning. But we have to face the question .. is it worth it? Too many times I've heard of those who left only to find out the 'new life' was not what they wanted and now miss the life they left behind, with no chance of ever recovering it. On the other hand, the ease with which you or I can fall back into an affair is a sign that things are just not right and it takes some serious thought to figure out what to do.

  7. Arthur says:

    16 years and the pain of her infidelity never leaves me. It brought on major depression, I have been committed to mental health hospitals twice, and had electrical shock therapy. The pain will only go when I kill myself

  8. Elsie says:

    I have been on both sides. I had an affair with a married man 15 years ago – I will call him S.
    We had met at university when I was married, and I fell for him completely, left my husband but my new love was only 6 weeks of being married himself. he got married. It ended suddenly.
    About one year on, I met my current partner, but things started up again with S.. and I started the affair. It did feel good – all encompassing. We told ourselves it felt right, so it must be. But alas it did end, and he stayed with his wife and since had a lovely family. It broke my new partner and I hurt him deeply – he went off the Australia to get away from it all. Two years later he came back and we started a new life together. However, 8 years later, he has had an affair at work… right under my nose – to someone who has history of affairs and is just simply horrible.

  9. Elsie says:

    I now realise the devastation I brought about when I had my affair – firstly to my husband and then to his the wife of S. I am so sorry.
    This self pity is obscene… for those of you who had affairs, stop feeling sorry for yourselves – and look after the ones who still love you, for one day it could happen to you. Love carefully x Elsie

    • Berta says:

      Dear Im sorry your going through this pain, however the Bible warns all of us that We will Reap what We sow. I am a victim of my Husbands adultery and although the pain is enormas I do not wish this pain on him or my worst enemy aka the other woman. So my advice to you is to get on your face with the Lord and pray for his hand over your marriage. Seek everything in the bible on Adultery, forgivness and protection. Also 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

      • Elsie says:

        I respect your fatih, but God has let me down on more than one occassion.. I didnt just loose one person this year, I lost two within months. I am not a bad person; I was devoted and this still happened to me.

        I am well aware of te 'reap what we sow' – I walked away previously. I guess this is s bigger monster than I am.

        Why wont the world stop turning.

  10. val says:

    my fiance cheated on me 11 years ago and i am not over it because it was planned. he told me he was going fishing and not to call all weekend. he then called me that saturday… while she was in the shower.. all of a sudden he had o let me go cause his cousin was out of the shower….. he had bought fresh clean sheets- 2 sets and had tons of condoms… when confronted, he turned violent on me. later i asked if he was still talking to her.. he told me to drop it.. i asked at a later date he said yes.. i got upset so he stormed out of the restaurant and ditched me…. a while later i decided to check on him and he didnt recognize my voice, so he made a date with me to go straght to a feild and fuck… as he got ready that night he said that he was going to that same cousins house for the night cause he wouold be drunk. i told him no cause she wont be at the restaurant cause i was right infront of him…. he cried but i still catch him in classified adds looking for women and even messaging them as well… he says he is curious and he gets mad cause i cant get over 11 years ago….should i be over it? am i drawing it out? i do love him and want to be over it but i dont know…

  11. Berta says:

    I have read many of these stories. I am a victim of adultery. I have only one thing to say to both the Adulter, Adulter1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

    ess's and also the victims.

  12. sad says:

    I am trying to get over an affair I have had for 2-1/2 years with a woman that I loved. But my wife was more important to me and I loved her more in different ways… Though we have tried many times over the past 9 months to end or limit our time together it took this long to finally end things. It has been incredibly difficult losing this person from my life, she was much more than a lover. But I know that it is impossible to ever be friends and I will have to ultimately lose her forever. I don't think I can ever forget her or our time together, it won't take a year but I fear it will be a lifetime. I have started therapy for myself to try to understand why I did this. Still it is almost unbearable at times. If I thought this would lead to such pain I would never had smiled at her.

  13. MaryAnn says:

    I had a year love affair, am so happily married. But am I, if I cheated. My husband is the picture perfect husband, yet I am such a slut! I still find myself missing the guys I had the affair with, we work together. We ended it but I reaaly sometimes wish we didn't becuase I miss him. I chose not to be with him, he was willing to leave his fiance for me, I can not give up my family. Yet I find myself crying at night missing him, is this not pathetic. I hate myself that I have put myself in this position as it feels like I have no control over my emotions. It had only been two months since we ended the affair. How do I move forward?

    • Kath F. says:

      MaryAnn, please don't call yourself names and hate yourself. This breaks my heart. I might advise you to find another job (if possible). How hard for you to see him everyday. Please take time to be good to yourself. You might find some peace telling your husband the truth. Tell him it's over, but tell him something is missing in your marriage. Please don't assume you have to protect him. Often when these secrets come into the light the healing begins. Forgive yourself.

  14. Kath F. says:

    Update. Things are much better for me. My husband and I are talking. He's been understanding and willing to forgive and work through the problems that put me into a virtual world looking for romance. Just saying never lose hope that being honest is the only way to heal.

  15. Trying to Heal says:

    Thank you to everyone for your stories and comments. I am married with two children and recently ended a 7 year affair with a woman who in my mind became the love of my life. As many of you have described, the chemistry between us sexually and emotionally was tremendous, like nothing I have ever experienced, and I fear I will never experience again. My wife never found out about my affair, but I ultimately had to end it to try to be the father and husband my family deserves. I'm sure I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I miss her sooooo damn much. The pain, despair, and loneliness I feel makes me want to cry. I can relate to so many of you and it's good to know that I am not alone.

  16. so confused says:

    Wow I finally feel like I'm not alone! Ive been having a year long affair aswell and wow have I tried to end it so many times. My husband and I have had so many problems and weve been together almost 8 years married 2. He in the begining did hurt me so many times as far as not coming home or when we first met he had girls in my car. Now I don't want to justify this is why I've cheated but I think I was looking for something in someone or I don't know why I've cheated to be honest. I have so many questions that need answers to. I really feel like I love this other guy.

  17. so confused says:

    cont; But I love my husband aswell , I know it's sick. My husband is an alcholic that is trying to quit. I want to be the best wife to help him and support him 100% , but then this other guy is single and not bad looking he's so smart but the only problem is he doesn't tell me how he feels about me. I'm confused because he shows me attention alot of it but not really affection just when he wants to rent a room or whaver. He asks me all the time what am I going to do with my husband but I can't let my husband go because I don't want to make a mistake and leave him and then end up by myself. I know it's very selfish of me I really don't know what to do. I hope someone out there understands me a little please someone just let me know I'm not crazy…

  18. JenATX says:

    I'm glad I read this. I'm trying to figure out how to get over an affair right now, and it feels like most difficult "breakup" i've dealt with. I have a huge sense of loss, but at the same time I am very thankful for the forgiveness of my husband, and the amount of change he wants to make in his life to be the one to fulfill my every need. Its so hard to sort out the whole thing, since I felt and knew with all of me that what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn't help myself. The inner turmoil was really hurting me… so maybe in a way I did need to get caught in order to see what was going on from a different perspective. I hated that I hurt my husband in the process, and I don't know if I deserve all of the forgiveness and lack of blame for my indiscretion. For now I really need to heal from all of this. I'm sad to think it may take at least a year to heal enough to get past it, but it will take whatever it takes. There are never guarantees in life.

  19. cheating wife|signs cheating wife|catch cheating wife says:

    Great issues altogether, you just received a brand new reader. What may you suggest about your post that you simply made some days ago? Any certain?

    • Mitch says:

      So happy and scared I found this thread. Like many others on here I am the cheater and struggling with my own demons. Happy 21 year marriage, 2 great kids and then seduced by a 26 year old while on a business trip. I had feelings like I've never experienced. When I fell in love she got scared and called it off after 3.5 months. My wife never found out but I spun into a deep depression so much so that I found myself on a suicide hotline on more than one occasion. The paid caused by both my guilt and missing my lover is too much to bear. Its only been 3 months since it ended but I pray everyday for relief.

      I'm thankful in many ways that she broke it off as it certainly save my marriage and family. I'm in single counseling and my psychologist has told me to break conventional wisdom and not confess to wife. She and my Psychiatrist have explained that medically, dopamine production goes significantly down in a long-term marriage. The affair creates an incredible dopamine rush which is one of the strongest and most pleasurable chemicals your body produces.

      After the end of an affair (again…according to my doctors), the withdrawal from the dopamine addiction is close to replicating rehab from drugs like cocaine and heroin.

      While it helps to understand what's happening, its no less painful. Like others have said, the pain caused by ending the affair without a doubt makes the pleasure experienced not worth it at all.

      I pray for all those on this thread (both adulterers and adulterees) during their healing process.

  20. Mitch says:

    So happy and scared I found this thread. Like many others on here I am the cheater and struggling with my own demons. Happy 21 year marriage, 2 great kids and then seduced by a 26 year old while on a business trip. I had feelings like I've never experienced. When I fell in love she got scared and called it off after 3.5 months. My wife never found out but I spun into a deep depression so much so that I found myself on a suicide hotline on more than one occasion. The paid caused by both my guilt and missing my lover is too much to bear. Its only been 3 months since it ended but I pray everyday for relief.

    I'm thankful in many ways that she broke it off as it certainly save my marriage and family. I'm in single counseling and my psychologist has told me to break conventional wisdom and not confess to wife. She and my Psychiatrist have explained that medically, dopamine production goes significantly down in a long-term marriage. The affair creates an incredible dopamine rush which is one of the strongest and most pleasurable chemicals your body produces.

    After the end of an affair (again…according to my doctors), the withdrawal from the dopamine addiction is close to replicating rehab from drugs like cocaine and heroin.

    While it helps to understand what's happening, its no less painful. Like others have said, the pain caused by ending the affair without a doubt makes the pleasure experienced not worth it at all.

    I pray for all those on this thread (both adulterers and adulterees) during their healing process.

    • Scott says:

      You're not alone man. I'm as much a scum as anyone. I will be married 24 years this Fall. 2 wonderful kids. On the outside – a picture-perfect marriage that most people would envy. My wife and I get along ok, we don't argue much, kids – a 15 and 19 year old – are both honor students and still enjoy hanging out with us. So why on earth would I screw with this?
      I have had two affairs – one physical, and one emotional.
      The physical one was the easiest to get over. I didn't really connect with her emotionally – it was just pure lust. I didn't want to cross the line but my flesh was so damn weak that i gave in. The sex was incredible, but it was strictly sex with no emotinal attachment. We ended it after a short time because the guilt was killing me.

  21. scott says:

    The emotional affair was – and is – much more difficult. I worked with a single mom for three years, It started out innocent; I helped her with he rcar and stuff around her house becasue I felt sorry for her. After a while we talked more and more, and discoverd that we meshed together incredibly – more than any woman I have met in my life. After 2 1/2 years of this we admited our love for one another. We never had sex. She did noty want to destroy my marriage so she quit the job, and recently started dating a guy she met.
    I miss her terribly, and the thought of her with another man in like a knife in the heart, but I know that it would have destroyed my family and my kids' lives had I persued it. I too have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror sometimes because I used to pride myself as a man with integrity.

    • Mitch says:

      Scott….As I said, while it doesn't ease the pain, knowing that there is a community of us is somewhat comforting. You situation is so similar. Wife and I are best friends, kids are just great (14 and 16 here)….good jobs, good health, surrounded by family and friends.

      I'm not trying to legitimize our behavior but perhaps the arguments that humans are not necessarily monotonous biologically and the mid-life crises are real, have merit.

      My relationship was intensely physical and emotional. Anything that reminds me of the affair like seeing an ad for Atlantic City, watching young couples kiss on TV, my text alert on my phone…..they get my heart racing (unpleasantly).

      Bring it all back to the dopamine, man. We were literally hooked on drugs.

      Good luck to you.

  22. peace says:

    Studwithswag, thank you so much for starting this website. Like so many others here I felt I was going crazy with the pain, my emotional lover of three years has just ended it suddenly, I understand she needs to move on, I can't leave my spouse who is sick and aging, it was not fair of me to keep my lover hanging on. We kept on trying to end it but it was like we could live without each other. I will never love anyone the way I loved her, the pain and loss is devastating. It is the loneliness too, nobody knows about this affair, not even my close friends, so I have nobody to talk to about it. The silence was killing me, it was like being back in the closet all over again. Because of this site I now feel I can make it through today. Thank you for having the courage and honesty to do this.

  23. LostSouls says:

    The affair I had ended years ago, both married, an intense multi-year EA that resulted in a PA, me the MM. We tried many times to separate but it was exteremly difficult and I finally had to do what I never thought I could because I didn't want to, which is walk away from it. The only way I could do it was to keep reminding myself of her children, how young they were and how I was taking away from their lives by being so deeply involved with their mother, realize it takes two to do so but she had been struggling for a very long time with it as well. There was never a d-day and nobody knows.

    Now, more than 3 years later I still struggle with it myself, things still remind me of her and there's not a day that goes by I don't think about her, or still have conversations with her in my head, so I understand completely how you all feel and I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in this, something that I thought should have passed for me a long time ago still is there. I blame some of that on the fact that over the years she and I have had some contact, but it always seems awkward and the emotional baggage that's there seems to create a road-block for either of us to communicate correctly, the idea of friends sounds appealing, but in reality I have decided it won't work, just can't, any contact seems to spark a lot of emotions that start pulling you back in. I've tried all types of distractions, but there's this emptiness that lingers, a void that seems to remain, something like a cut that never seems to heal. It's not to say it hasn't gotten easier, it has, but it is still there, a deep part of me.

    Best to you all

  24. floozie says:

    i am so glad to have found this site, and would love some help right now. I had an 18 month affair, we met on a website designed for married people looking for an affair. I know it sounds awful, we both are married with children, and neither ever intended leaving our families, we were very good at compartmentalising things….well…that didn't last and we fell in love, he first, infact he drove the emotional side of it much harder than i did. I broke it of over and over again , but he wouldn't give up. We never mentioned a future together but he got more and more careless and indiscrete ( we live 150 miles away from eahc other, met up every 2-3 weeks and at first he was very anxious about things as i went to him – big city so i was safe) in th elast few months we went out all over the city, he used to kiss me on the steps to his office first thing in the morning etc etc. and then he subtly dropped a hint about us being together forever….i was mulling over this ,

  25. floozie says:

    when we got spotted in a very unlikely situation, we were onyl seen having drinks but someone told his wife and d-day for him. What i dont understand is he told her the whole story, how we met, all the places we have been etc. Why he didn't just lie and say it was a work colleague who had got the wrong idea or something i dont know. i was/am his third affair . he never bad mouthed his wife, we were both careful to keep our other lives separate. The day of d-day she threw him out and he had to go abroad for a week ona business trip. He called, we cried, he said he needed to put his kids first etc etc, all very cliched for a bloke caught out.

  26. floozie says:

    Then he said he didnt know what to do, he had spent the whole day while she was yelling and crying at him , thinking this could mean a life with me….so the week played out with emails back and forth, he saying he couldn't decide, his heart said leap and eb with me ( i had stated i would leave my husband to be with him, but i never asked him to leave or put any pressure on, just calmly reassured him he needed to whatever he thought best) any way he went back, begging me to wait for a while and see what happened, well no great surprise, she took him back, and there was a weekend of silence.

  27. floozie says:

    Then he was back to txting me, saying he was sorry, he was a mess, she had threatened to take the children etc etc, so i said ok…i will walk away . It took 36 hrs for him to statr txting again, and saying he still loved me , was that ok, i got cards saying how hard it was, how he would miss me but was hanging onto the fact he might get to see my smile again….so i let myself be reeled back in, i was hurting so very much, i couldn't function. so after a week, we agree to stay online , txt etc and the odd phone call until we can resume our relationship. Since then he has been hot and cold, he often asks for photos ( slightyl erotic ones :) ) and for descriptions of what lingerie i am wearing, but has not said he misses me or wants me or anything. he has said " dont ask awkward questions " and it made me feel really hurt he sees me as like that.

    • MITreegirl says:

      I know what you mean by the hot and cold. He does it to me and I do it to him….I think its when one of us has a moment where we either think…..I can't live without the other person or what am I doing, I have to stop this. So we both give off that hot and cold to each other. We have stopped telling each other (I love you) which we did every morning, noon and night. We never went to sleep without saying it. He lives clear across the country from me so getting together with each other is not an issue…..but the texting and yes erotic ones….still continue on both our parts. I feel its easier for him because hes living the life of a single man and I am still here living with my guilt and heartbreak. I will never stop missing him. I think yours is struggling with the family issue I am sure. He may still love his wife but obviously he has feelings for you as well. I wish I would have just went to be with….we will call him John….when I first decided to do so instead of hesitating. I always follow the head and not the heart. You may have to ask your MM to make a decision….None of this easy.

  28. floozie says:

    I have just had a week away with my family, and he did txt each day and sent 2 sweet emails , asking me to be safe and please enjoy myself. But i just dont know, i can feel a push/pull thing going on. I want to see him so badly, i want to know what exactly he is thinking is going to happen. I guess he isnt thinking is the answer, he just cant let go anymore than i can, and he is facing all the devastation at home and i am not ???? Any men out there with any insight into what he is playing at please ……

  29. Andrew says:

    Hi,
    I am a 47 year old married man and have been having an affair with a single woman for the past 4/5 months. This was up until last Sunday when she told me she couldn't carry on because of my marital status. We still both love each other and it has been hurting like mad since last Sunday – i have not eaten, i cannot concentrate on work and cannot sleep but deep down i know she is right to end it. I do not have any close friends to confide in as to how i feel at the moment – i feel so sad and heartbroken which i know i shouldnt because i have a lovely wife and 2 kids at home and don't want them to get hurt in any way. I just need reassurance from someone out there that things will get better as time goes pass. The lady and I are still and will always be very close friends (we work in the same office) so i see her 5 days a week which helps in some ways but not others.

    • Mitch says:

      Andrew,

      As you can see, there are many others that share your situation. From my previous post you can see I had something similar. I've had heartbreaks before in high school and college and when I married my wife we were crazy in love and my dream was to raise a family and grow old together.

      That was all up until the affair. I think after being married for so long, the addition being strongly physically desired and the the overwhelming feelings of love, are tough to get over.

      My wife never knew but things are not the same between us and its my fault. My affair ended last October 1 and I finally went no contact on December 15. Its been almost 4 months and while its gotten better, I still do think of her everyday. Don't go through this alone…..

      If you're depressed on anxious like I was/am, see a Psychiatrist……finding the right medication works. I was lucky enough to have two friends to talk to but also found a Psychologist. There's nothing like spilling your guts to a stranger. I've been able to be 100% truthful with and have even cried my eyes out in her office.

      I see posts from people here who are still suffering years after their affair. I hope it doesn't take me that long but I'm practical enough to realize that I made my own bed and it will take time. I wish I could take it all back, erase those memories and have it be life before…..perfectly happy with my wife, life, and kids. Unfortunately none of us read these boards until after the deed is done and its too late.

      Best to you…..

  30. MITreegirl says:

    I am 43 years old….have been married for almost 26 years and have just ended a 14 month affair. We grew up together and reconnected with what started out as innocent conversation. He lives across the country…..I never thought anything would come from our conversations. Oh how wrong I was….we fell in love with each other. At the time we were both married. He has since divorced. We had serious talk about starting a life together but I kept having excuses for not filing for divorce. My family and job are here, he has family here but his kids and job are there. I did come to a decision to leave my job and divorce my husband but I think the fear of all of it had me hesitating…..so much so that he never thought I would leave. Its been 2 months since we decided to end our affair. Both of us struggle everyday. We still contact each other via text and the occasional phone call everyday. We just cant seem to walk away. The pain is indescribable. I know is sounds so terrible and ridiculous….I am married to someones else but crying over my broken heart from an affair I should have never had….but the heart wants what the heart wants and I don't know how to fix it. I do have a good friend who knows everything so I am lucky that I have her to talk to. I don't know how I would have gotten through what I have without her. I know I need to cut all ties with him….so he can move on and start his new life and I can make some decisions about mine. I do have better days than I did at first….I never call in sick to work but I have twice in the last 2 months so I know what you all mean when you say you can't concentrate at work and everything reminds you of them. I constantly think of him and miss him and life we could have had. I had always thought that my marriage was good….comfortable. Unfortunately I am no longer happy with the word comfortable.

    • Mitch says:

      MITreegirl,

      Your last two sentences are key. You have to remember that affairs generate the dopamine, create excitement and tend to be very physical…..like the relationship with our spouse was when we first met.

      My friend reminded me that after the excitement of an affair, routine sets in with the romantic partner and that crazy life doesn't last forver.

      I too felt that I had a great marriage before the affair and now I am struggling to enjoy what I have. While we don't go clubbing or have wild sex everyday, I remind myself that my wife loves me, my kids love me and my family has been with me for 22 years through the highs and the lows. "Affair love" is untested,. There are many statistics out there that say that while close to 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce the rate is close to 85%-90% for people who marry someone with whom that had an extramarital affair.

      You're right about the heart wanting what it wants. I'm suffering myself so I'm not preaching by any means. But…..its chemical….not real. We're on a dopamine withdrawal …. what some doctors compare to coming off heroin.

      Best of luck to you.

      • RoLo says:

        i agree with ya, Mitch. I am still in withdrawal after ending a 2.5 yr affair 2.5 months ago. But, trying to be there for my husband, who would do anything for me, and my kids.
        I really did a number on myself………….UGH!!!!!

        • Mitch says:

          RoLo,

          I thought I was the only crazy one. How could I as the adulterer be suffering so much. I would do anything to erase the memory of that affair and have the happiness, satisfaction and fun the I once appreciated. Its been 4 months for me and it does get easier…..but at a snail's pace.

          Best to you too in your recovery.

  31. Kat says:

    I am just coming to terms with the reality of our love affair that went on for almost a year. He presented himself as a divorced guy when we first met and I am single so we went with it. It being long weekends together, words of endearment, etc I found myself in love and that is when he came clean. He was married but separated and of course a divorce is inevitable so with my heart open I did what I swore I would never do. Be the other woman. fighting became frequent. visits shorter. no calls like before. I was heartbroken he was nonchalant. :-( I find myself getting emotional often since I feel used but I do own my part and choices. I have cut off contact and focused on my career and child. He texts but i read and don't reply. Last text something about his wife wanting him back and he was not sure yet. Then asked me what I thought he should do? REALLY? deleted.. Staying strong I am 36 and not wasting anymore of my time on him. Thanks for the blog I fell upon it and had to get this off my chest.

  32. regrets says:

    I have been married for 18 years and have two children. I and I am in love with a married man. He has filled the tremendous void I have had in my life and my marriage. For the sake of my children, my husband and my sanity, I know this needs to end. I should do it before my husband finds out and this causes tremendous pain. I know that there is no future in this relationship but I seem to fool myself into believing that this may last this way for a long time, for years maybe. I cannot bear the pain of cutting it off. All I can think of is him. Reading comments on this site is frightening because some people have the pain and the feelings even years after a breakup. I am feeling physically sick, cannot sleep or eat. I spoke with a counselor but this does not seem to help. The decision must be made by me and I will be the one to feel the pain. I just wish I had some assurances that the pain will go away. I regret so much that I started this. All it brought is negative emotions and pain into my life.

    • ashamed says:

      This sounds like whats happening to be right now. I feel like my life is now over. The horrible mistake and pain it caused and I hurt my husband and people knowing. what have I done.

      • Feelingsick says:

        I feel the same, crying, as I am ending it right now. I cant sleep. I know its only been a day …… Reading all these posts and how it can lasts years seems so wrong too. I know its the right thing to do.

  33. karissa says:

    I broke up with. my boyfriend of 11 year had a affair with a co worker we got back with my boyfriend only to have him cheat 6 months later i caught him he’d been telling her I’m his ex even thought we live together he keeps telling me he didn’t have sex with her acts like I’m crazy I’m devastated lost feel worthless can’t decidd if i want to leave him i love him 2 wrongs don’t make a right

  34. karissa says:

    Understand I’m mental to begin with its so much worse now if i didn’t have kids i would kill myself hes making me crazyer acting like the affair never happened like im making this up when i caught him i went though his phone the girl.he was seeing called me his ex its his co worker he won’t quit his job I’ve been thinking about commiting my self to lakes crossing

  35. karissa says:

    My boyfriend of 11years gets mad at me for crying I’m supose to get over.it i found out3days ago I’ve know since it started 3months ago when he kept disappearing wouldn’t tell me where he was it was none of my business I’m not sure i even want him still i broke him and his other girlfriend up he got mad that i texted her

  36. Joeysgirl says:

    Was on an affair for 2 1/2 years. Very passionate. I fell hard and fast head over heels in love with him. He played me- to the tune of $12k. I found out the truth of his lies and told his wife. I hurt everyday for not only what I did to her but what I lost with him.

    I beg him to forgive me. He says he hates me and doesn't want to see me again. So I hurt in private. I am so ashamed of the affair. The deceit. The hurt. The lies. But mostly that I trusted him when he said he loved me and we would be together.

  37. bryon says:

    My partner of 11years gets mad at me for weeping I'm supose to get over.it i discovered out3days ago I've know since it began 3months ago when he kept vanishing would not tell me where he was it was none of my company I'm not sure i even want him still i split him and his other sweetheart up he got mad that i texted her

  38. Unloved says:

    I too had an affair with a married man. 4/5 mths I don't like the word affair so I say relationship but it is what it is and it was an affair. I met the man about a mth after my husband of 30 yrs left me. I feel hard for him- he was so perfect and we had a connection that I had never had before with any man. We shared secrets that we had never shared with anyone else. We grew to love each other but the whole time he kept telling me he would never leave his wife for me because he couldn't out of obligation to her – they were married 33 yrs. He said she was family…of course I told him I knew all this and accepted it. But I didn't and then 2 weeks ago she caught him and he spilled everything to her. It has been terrible couple weeks and everyone is right you have no one to talk to because you are the bad person. I kept telling him you have her but what do I get? Then last Saturday he called and wanted me to meet him – my gut said no but my heart said yes so I went. He said he felt terrible guilt for meeting me because he promised her he would never have contact with me. He sucked me in and I let him.

    • Unloved says:

      cont- Now just last night he told me to give him up so he could fix his marriage…I am so so sad….I can't eat or sleep- I cry all the time. Plus I am trying to deal with my own divorce. My life is such a mess— I miss him so much and I should hate him but I can't. I love him and he promised me he would not leave me. He said to me in the letter "I need you to leave my life and let me fix this" I said to him "but who helps fix what you did to me?"_I have never felt pain like this before.

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