How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?

Topic Request: From the perspective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

adultery_Part2_by_chuletzI’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 




305 Responses to “How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?”
  1. Kristy says:

    I am married. He was married. I have kids. He has kids. I fell in love with him. I am still in love with him. I will always love him. He told me that he loved me more than anything in the whole world. But in the end, he ended it. After 2 years, he told me goodbye. The devastation is unfreakin believable. The pain in my heart is unreal. I love him. I do not love my husband. He chose to stay with his wife and family……to do "the right thing". I wish he would have done the right thing prior to pursuing an affair with me. I will never be the same again. I am lost.

  2. wgpeter says:

    I don't know if anyone still receives notifications for this posts but I am thankful it. Here is where I am right now, which sometimes drives me to the point of wanting to end it all to make it easier on everyone around me. I have been in an affair for almost three years now. We were discovered after almost a year. My wife has done all she can to hold on to this marriage but is rightfully at the end of her rope. I have broken it off so many times with my lover just to try and do the "right thing", mostly by just stopping all communications with her out of the blue then try to work on my marriage as hard as I can. That works for a week or two when she sends me a message that says how badly I have broke her again by just throwing her under the bus or whatever. I am emotionally sucked right back in, wanting to rush in and fix what I have broke, in turn breaking my wife again and again. My lover has ended up at the hospital for self injuries and stress when I have just dumped her. OR after a week or two I long for her so much I go back on my knees wanting to be with her. She is deeply scared but always takes me back. Then, as soon as we are back, I feel the guilt and failure with shame rolling over me for not sticking to my family. I am now in the place with both of them that I need to either do the right thing and go with my wife and see if that can be rebuilt or the with my lover which I have no doubt I do really love. I swear to God I want to do the right thing and be the husband & father I should be for them and under God for the vow I made. Bust something, after this log still drives me back to my lover. I literally need to make this decision this weekend. Oh, something I didn't mention. Our kids are still best friends through all of this. Her daughter and my two girls (all three 18) as well as my son and her other daughter (Same school and grade). She was my High School sweetheart (25 years ago) And she lives less than 1,500 feet away and the option of moving is not there because we are under on our house//bills. How do I do this right? Is there a right way? I KNOW I will always love her but she will once again feel like I have just thrown her away or expect me to be back in a few weeks. I feel like I am trapped in Hell… Literally. I am so tired of hurting both woman. They are both good ladies. Ideas? Help?? Sorry for the length but its so complicated.

  3. not happy says:

    I don't understand liars. If you can't be honest with your spouse, why are you married to that person? Do yourself and your spouse a favor and make up your fucking mind. Be married or be single. If you want both, then be single, because your spouse deserves better than your fucked-up confused self.

  4. Lysee says:

    I'm posting here to find some solace to my pain because I can't talk to anyone about this affair I had. I've been married to my husband almost 10 years. Long story short he'd been an alcoholic for the first 8 years of our marriage. We have two small children. After years of asking to get help I gave up and resigned myself that this was going to be my life. I was starved for love and affection. I was in a horrible place in my life about 18 months ago when I met my lover.

    The love I feel for this man, who is 25 by the way and I'm 38, is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. The connection we share is indescrible. I have never felt so comfortable and connected to another human being as I do with him. About 6 months into the affair my husband drank himself into the hospital. He decided to change his life and stopped drinking. He's a better father and better husband. The problem is that I've devoted myself so much to this other man I no longer love my husband.

  5. Lysee says:

    My lover began to feel pain & extreme jealousy because the woman he loved, lived with and had sex with another man. He tried to turn a blind eye but it began to become too much. We broke up several times and got back together several times.

    We just broke up again yesterday. It got to be too much for him to keep sharing me. When I was with him it was great & when we were apart it was turmoil. I wanted to grow old with him & live my life with him by my side every day. However, he wasn't willing to be responsible for breaking up my marriage and destroying my kids lives through a divorce.

  6. Lysee says:

    I'm terrified by what I'm reading on this site. I want to move on and not look back. The only thing I can think of is to hand over my life to God and ask him to help me. I pray that when a full year has passed I will gain clarity and see him and our relationship for what it was and that I will not look back and yearn for the past.

    I do feel like that I will always love him and carry him in my heart till the day I die and that scares me. I just wish some day that wouldn't be true because it's unbearable to have him living in my heart and now try to pick up the pieces of my marriage. By the way my husband never found out. I can only hope time heals my heart and that I am able to love my husband once again.

  7. JFin says:

    Where do I begin ? I felt I didn't love my wife – I left but shortly afterwards met someone that I thought was great we were seeing each other for a number of months. I put an end to the affair when reality kicked in. I tried everything to sort my marriage – my wife suggested counselling and a specific counsellor we went numerous times – counsellor never seemed to address the difficulties or problems we were having in our marriage prior to my affair. Shortly after counselling my wife said 'she was never going to try' – so why then counselling ? She also said that she would get over it but it would take time. It is now 3 years down the line and we are not living together, barely talking and I am at my wits end – I love her but I truely wish I didn't now – she obviously doesn't love me. I have done all I can do … do I just walk away ??

  8. TG&CG says:

    well i need to add another dimension … i had an affair for a year with a women at work then got caught.The fallout was of course hard. i stayed with my wife i thought it was the right thing to do. counselling for two years and things were better.. i then i my first night away on my own at a company function. i had no intension of cheating again but life doesn't work in set patterns. i had my breath taken and maybe thats fates why of letting me know how it is on the other side.. i did see this women more than once. its stupid as it was 3 nights 1 days and a lunch. the lunch was spent in a park and we the best date i'll ever have… we chatted over e-mail daily. i have just spent our last night together as she has a boyfriend now and wants to be faithful.. so this affair thing is a two way street .. yes i am sad about cheating again but i am sad as i have lost the women i met who made my my heart skip .. so feel i've been cheated on and im here feeling crushed and wondering if i will ever give my heart like that again.. probabley not.. so back to being married living the wrong life .. yes a coward but i'd rather have the pain than others

  9. Arthur says:

    16 years and the pain of her infidelity never leaves me. It brought on major depression, I have been committed to mental health hospitals twice, and had electrical shock therapy. The pain will only go when I kill myself

  10. Elsie says:

    I have been on both sides. I had an affair with a married man 15 years ago – I will call him S.
    We had met at university when I was married, and I fell for him completely, left my husband but my new love was only 6 weeks of being married himself. he got married. It ended suddenly.
    About one year on, I met my current partner, but things started up again with S.. and I started the affair. It did feel good – all encompassing. We told ourselves it felt right, so it must be. But alas it did end, and he stayed with his wife and since had a lovely family. It broke my new partner and I hurt him deeply – he went off the Australia to get away from it all. Two years later he came back and we started a new life together. However, 8 years later, he has had an affair at work… right under my nose – to someone who has history of affairs and is just simply horrible.

  11. Elsie says:

    I now realise the devastation I brought about when I had my affair – firstly to my husband and then to his the wife of S. I am so sorry.
    This self pity is obscene… for those of you who had affairs, stop feeling sorry for yourselves – and look after the ones who still love you, for one day it could happen to you. Love carefully x Elsie

  12. val says:

    my fiance cheated on me 11 years ago and i am not over it because it was planned. he told me he was going fishing and not to call all weekend. he then called me that saturday… while she was in the shower.. all of a sudden he had o let me go cause his cousin was out of the shower….. he had bought fresh clean sheets- 2 sets and had tons of condoms… when confronted, he turned violent on me. later i asked if he was still talking to her.. he told me to drop it.. i asked at a later date he said yes.. i got upset so he stormed out of the restaurant and ditched me…. a while later i decided to check on him and he didnt recognize my voice, so he made a date with me to go straght to a feild and fuck… as he got ready that night he said that he was going to that same cousins house for the night cause he wouold be drunk. i told him no cause she wont be at the restaurant cause i was right infront of him…. he cried but i still catch him in classified adds looking for women and even messaging them as well… he says he is curious and he gets mad cause i cant get over 11 years ago….should i be over it? am i drawing it out? i do love him and want to be over it but i dont know…

  13. Berta says:

    I have read many of these stories. I am a victim of adultery. I have only one thing to say to both the Adulter, Adulter1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

    ess's and also the victims.

  14. sad says:

    I am trying to get over an affair I have had for 2-1/2 years with a woman that I loved. But my wife was more important to me and I loved her more in different ways… Though we have tried many times over the past 9 months to end or limit our time together it took this long to finally end things. It has been incredibly difficult losing this person from my life, she was much more than a lover. But I know that it is impossible to ever be friends and I will have to ultimately lose her forever. I don't think I can ever forget her or our time together, it won't take a year but I fear it will be a lifetime. I have started therapy for myself to try to understand why I did this. Still it is almost unbearable at times. If I thought this would lead to such pain I would never had smiled at her.

  15. MaryAnn says:

    I had a year love affair, am so happily married. But am I, if I cheated. My husband is the picture perfect husband, yet I am such a slut! I still find myself missing the guys I had the affair with, we work together. We ended it but I reaaly sometimes wish we didn't becuase I miss him. I chose not to be with him, he was willing to leave his fiance for me, I can not give up my family. Yet I find myself crying at night missing him, is this not pathetic. I hate myself that I have put myself in this position as it feels like I have no control over my emotions. It had only been two months since we ended the affair. How do I move forward?

  16. Kath F. says:

    Update. Things are much better for me. My husband and I are talking. He's been understanding and willing to forgive and work through the problems that put me into a virtual world looking for romance. Just saying never lose hope that being honest is the only way to heal.

  17. Trying to Heal says:

    Thank you to everyone for your stories and comments. I am married with two children and recently ended a 7 year affair with a woman who in my mind became the love of my life. As many of you have described, the chemistry between us sexually and emotionally was tremendous, like nothing I have ever experienced, and I fear I will never experience again. My wife never found out about my affair, but I ultimately had to end it to try to be the father and husband my family deserves. I'm sure I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I miss her sooooo damn much. The pain, despair, and loneliness I feel makes me want to cry. I can relate to so many of you and it's good to know that I am not alone.

  18. so confused says:

    Wow I finally feel like I'm not alone! Ive been having a year long affair aswell and wow have I tried to end it so many times. My husband and I have had so many problems and weve been together almost 8 years married 2. He in the begining did hurt me so many times as far as not coming home or when we first met he had girls in my car. Now I don't want to justify this is why I've cheated but I think I was looking for something in someone or I don't know why I've cheated to be honest. I have so many questions that need answers to. I really feel like I love this other guy.

  19. so confused says:

    cont; But I love my husband aswell , I know it's sick. My husband is an alcholic that is trying to quit. I want to be the best wife to help him and support him 100% , but then this other guy is single and not bad looking he's so smart but the only problem is he doesn't tell me how he feels about me. I'm confused because he shows me attention alot of it but not really affection just when he wants to rent a room or whaver. He asks me all the time what am I going to do with my husband but I can't let my husband go because I don't want to make a mistake and leave him and then end up by myself. I know it's very selfish of me I really don't know what to do. I hope someone out there understands me a little please someone just let me know I'm not crazy…

  20. JenATX says:

    I'm glad I read this. I'm trying to figure out how to get over an affair right now, and it feels like most difficult "breakup" i've dealt with. I have a huge sense of loss, but at the same time I am very thankful for the forgiveness of my husband, and the amount of change he wants to make in his life to be the one to fulfill my every need. Its so hard to sort out the whole thing, since I felt and knew with all of me that what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn't help myself. The inner turmoil was really hurting me… so maybe in a way I did need to get caught in order to see what was going on from a different perspective. I hated that I hurt my husband in the process, and I don't know if I deserve all of the forgiveness and lack of blame for my indiscretion. For now I really need to heal from all of this. I'm sad to think it may take at least a year to heal enough to get past it, but it will take whatever it takes. There are never guarantees in life.

  21. Mitch says:

    So happy and scared I found this thread. Like many others on here I am the cheater and struggling with my own demons. Happy 21 year marriage, 2 great kids and then seduced by a 26 year old while on a business trip. I had feelings like I've never experienced. When I fell in love she got scared and called it off after 3.5 months. My wife never found out but I spun into a deep depression so much so that I found myself on a suicide hotline on more than one occasion. The paid caused by both my guilt and missing my lover is too much to bear. Its only been 3 months since it ended but I pray everyday for relief.

    I'm thankful in many ways that she broke it off as it certainly save my marriage and family. I'm in single counseling and my psychologist has told me to break conventional wisdom and not confess to wife. She and my Psychiatrist have explained that medically, dopamine production goes significantly down in a long-term marriage. The affair creates an incredible dopamine rush which is one of the strongest and most pleasurable chemicals your body produces.

    After the end of an affair (again…according to my doctors), the withdrawal from the dopamine addiction is close to replicating rehab from drugs like cocaine and heroin.

    While it helps to understand what's happening, its no less painful. Like others have said, the pain caused by ending the affair without a doubt makes the pleasure experienced not worth it at all.

    I pray for all those on this thread (both adulterers and adulterees) during their healing process.

  22. Mitch says:

    So happy and scared I found this thread. Like many others on here I am the cheater and struggling with my own demons. Happy 21 year marriage, 2 great kids and then seduced by a 26 year old while on a business trip. I had feelings like I've never experienced. When I fell in love she got scared and called it off after 3.5 months. My wife never found out but I spun into a deep depression so much so that I found myself on a suicide hotline on more than one occasion. The paid caused by both my guilt and missing my lover is too much to bear. Its only been 3 months since it ended but I pray everyday for relief.

    I'm thankful in many ways that she broke it off as it certainly save my marriage and family. I'm in single counseling and my psychologist has told me to break conventional wisdom and not confess to wife. She and my Psychiatrist have explained that medically, dopamine production goes significantly down in a long-term marriage. The affair creates an incredible dopamine rush which is one of the strongest and most pleasurable chemicals your body produces.

    After the end of an affair (again…according to my doctors), the withdrawal from the dopamine addiction is close to replicating rehab from drugs like cocaine and heroin.

    While it helps to understand what's happening, its no less painful. Like others have said, the pain caused by ending the affair without a doubt makes the pleasure experienced not worth it at all.

    I pray for all those on this thread (both adulterers and adulterees) during their healing process.

  23. scott says:

    The emotional affair was – and is – much more difficult. I worked with a single mom for three years, It started out innocent; I helped her with he rcar and stuff around her house becasue I felt sorry for her. After a while we talked more and more, and discoverd that we meshed together incredibly – more than any woman I have met in my life. After 2 1/2 years of this we admited our love for one another. We never had sex. She did noty want to destroy my marriage so she quit the job, and recently started dating a guy she met.
    I miss her terribly, and the thought of her with another man in like a knife in the heart, but I know that it would have destroyed my family and my kids' lives had I persued it. I too have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror sometimes because I used to pride myself as a man with integrity.

  24. peace says:

    Studwithswag, thank you so much for starting this website. Like so many others here I felt I was going crazy with the pain, my emotional lover of three years has just ended it suddenly, I understand she needs to move on, I can't leave my spouse who is sick and aging, it was not fair of me to keep my lover hanging on. We kept on trying to end it but it was like we could live without each other. I will never love anyone the way I loved her, the pain and loss is devastating. It is the loneliness too, nobody knows about this affair, not even my close friends, so I have nobody to talk to about it. The silence was killing me, it was like being back in the closet all over again. Because of this site I now feel I can make it through today. Thank you for having the courage and honesty to do this.

  25. LostSouls says:

    The affair I had ended years ago, both married, an intense multi-year EA that resulted in a PA, me the MM. We tried many times to separate but it was exteremly difficult and I finally had to do what I never thought I could because I didn't want to, which is walk away from it. The only way I could do it was to keep reminding myself of her children, how young they were and how I was taking away from their lives by being so deeply involved with their mother, realize it takes two to do so but she had been struggling for a very long time with it as well. There was never a d-day and nobody knows.

    Now, more than 3 years later I still struggle with it myself, things still remind me of her and there's not a day that goes by I don't think about her, or still have conversations with her in my head, so I understand completely how you all feel and I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in this, something that I thought should have passed for me a long time ago still is there. I blame some of that on the fact that over the years she and I have had some contact, but it always seems awkward and the emotional baggage that's there seems to create a road-block for either of us to communicate correctly, the idea of friends sounds appealing, but in reality I have decided it won't work, just can't, any contact seems to spark a lot of emotions that start pulling you back in. I've tried all types of distractions, but there's this emptiness that lingers, a void that seems to remain, something like a cut that never seems to heal. It's not to say it hasn't gotten easier, it has, but it is still there, a deep part of me.

    Best to you all

  26. floozie says:

    i am so glad to have found this site, and would love some help right now. I had an 18 month affair, we met on a website designed for married people looking for an affair. I know it sounds awful, we both are married with children, and neither ever intended leaving our families, we were very good at compartmentalising things….well…that didn't last and we fell in love, he first, infact he drove the emotional side of it much harder than i did. I broke it of over and over again , but he wouldn't give up. We never mentioned a future together but he got more and more careless and indiscrete ( we live 150 miles away from eahc other, met up every 2-3 weeks and at first he was very anxious about things as i went to him – big city so i was safe) in th elast few months we went out all over the city, he used to kiss me on the steps to his office first thing in the morning etc etc. and then he subtly dropped a hint about us being together forever….i was mulling over this ,

  27. floozie says:

    when we got spotted in a very unlikely situation, we were onyl seen having drinks but someone told his wife and d-day for him. What i dont understand is he told her the whole story, how we met, all the places we have been etc. Why he didn't just lie and say it was a work colleague who had got the wrong idea or something i dont know. i was/am his third affair . he never bad mouthed his wife, we were both careful to keep our other lives separate. The day of d-day she threw him out and he had to go abroad for a week ona business trip. He called, we cried, he said he needed to put his kids first etc etc, all very cliched for a bloke caught out.

  28. floozie says:

    Then he said he didnt know what to do, he had spent the whole day while she was yelling and crying at him , thinking this could mean a life with me….so the week played out with emails back and forth, he saying he couldn't decide, his heart said leap and eb with me ( i had stated i would leave my husband to be with him, but i never asked him to leave or put any pressure on, just calmly reassured him he needed to whatever he thought best) any way he went back, begging me to wait for a while and see what happened, well no great surprise, she took him back, and there was a weekend of silence.

  29. floozie says:

    Then he was back to txting me, saying he was sorry, he was a mess, she had threatened to take the children etc etc, so i said ok…i will walk away . It took 36 hrs for him to statr txting again, and saying he still loved me , was that ok, i got cards saying how hard it was, how he would miss me but was hanging onto the fact he might get to see my smile again….so i let myself be reeled back in, i was hurting so very much, i couldn't function. so after a week, we agree to stay online , txt etc and the odd phone call until we can resume our relationship. Since then he has been hot and cold, he often asks for photos ( slightyl erotic ones :)) and for descriptions of what lingerie i am wearing, but has not said he misses me or wants me or anything. he has said " dont ask awkward questions " and it made me feel really hurt he sees me as like that.

  30. floozie says:

    I have just had a week away with my family, and he did txt each day and sent 2 sweet emails , asking me to be safe and please enjoy myself. But i just dont know, i can feel a push/pull thing going on. I want to see him so badly, i want to know what exactly he is thinking is going to happen. I guess he isnt thinking is the answer, he just cant let go anymore than i can, and he is facing all the devastation at home and i am not ???? Any men out there with any insight into what he is playing at please ……

  31. Andrew says:

    I am a 47 year old married man and have been having an affair with a single woman for the past 4/5 months. This was up until last Sunday when she told me she couldn't carry on because of my marital status. We still both love each other and it has been hurting like mad since last Sunday – i have not eaten, i cannot concentrate on work and cannot sleep but deep down i know she is right to end it. I do not have any close friends to confide in as to how i feel at the moment – i feel so sad and heartbroken which i know i shouldnt because i have a lovely wife and 2 kids at home and don't want them to get hurt in any way. I just need reassurance from someone out there that things will get better as time goes pass. The lady and I are still and will always be very close friends (we work in the same office) so i see her 5 days a week which helps in some ways but not others.

  32. MITreegirl says:

    I am 43 years old….have been married for almost 26 years and have just ended a 14 month affair. We grew up together and reconnected with what started out as innocent conversation. He lives across the country…..I never thought anything would come from our conversations. Oh how wrong I was….we fell in love with each other. At the time we were both married. He has since divorced. We had serious talk about starting a life together but I kept having excuses for not filing for divorce. My family and job are here, he has family here but his kids and job are there. I did come to a decision to leave my job and divorce my husband but I think the fear of all of it had me hesitating… much so that he never thought I would leave. Its been 2 months since we decided to end our affair. Both of us struggle everyday. We still contact each other via text and the occasional phone call everyday. We just cant seem to walk away. The pain is indescribable. I know is sounds so terrible and ridiculous….I am married to someones else but crying over my broken heart from an affair I should have never had….but the heart wants what the heart wants and I don't know how to fix it. I do have a good friend who knows everything so I am lucky that I have her to talk to. I don't know how I would have gotten through what I have without her. I know I need to cut all ties with him….so he can move on and start his new life and I can make some decisions about mine. I do have better days than I did at first….I never call in sick to work but I have twice in the last 2 months so I know what you all mean when you say you can't concentrate at work and everything reminds you of them. I constantly think of him and miss him and life we could have had. I had always thought that my marriage was good….comfortable. Unfortunately I am no longer happy with the word comfortable.

  33. Kat says:

    I am just coming to terms with the reality of our love affair that went on for almost a year. He presented himself as a divorced guy when we first met and I am single so we went with it. It being long weekends together, words of endearment, etc I found myself in love and that is when he came clean. He was married but separated and of course a divorce is inevitable so with my heart open I did what I swore I would never do. Be the other woman. fighting became frequent. visits shorter. no calls like before. I was heartbroken he was nonchalant. 🙁 I find myself getting emotional often since I feel used but I do own my part and choices. I have cut off contact and focused on my career and child. He texts but i read and don't reply. Last text something about his wife wanting him back and he was not sure yet. Then asked me what I thought he should do? REALLY? deleted.. Staying strong I am 36 and not wasting anymore of my time on him. Thanks for the blog I fell upon it and had to get this off my chest.

  34. regrets says:

    I have been married for 18 years and have two children. I and I am in love with a married man. He has filled the tremendous void I have had in my life and my marriage. For the sake of my children, my husband and my sanity, I know this needs to end. I should do it before my husband finds out and this causes tremendous pain. I know that there is no future in this relationship but I seem to fool myself into believing that this may last this way for a long time, for years maybe. I cannot bear the pain of cutting it off. All I can think of is him. Reading comments on this site is frightening because some people have the pain and the feelings even years after a breakup. I am feeling physically sick, cannot sleep or eat. I spoke with a counselor but this does not seem to help. The decision must be made by me and I will be the one to feel the pain. I just wish I had some assurances that the pain will go away. I regret so much that I started this. All it brought is negative emotions and pain into my life.

  35. karissa says:

    I broke up with. my boyfriend of 11 year had a affair with a co worker we got back with my boyfriend only to have him cheat 6 months later i caught him he’d been telling her I’m his ex even thought we live together he keeps telling me he didn’t have sex with her acts like I’m crazy I’m devastated lost feel worthless can’t decidd if i want to leave him i love him 2 wrongs don’t make a right

  36. karissa says:

    Understand I’m mental to begin with its so much worse now if i didn’t have kids i would kill myself hes making me crazyer acting like the affair never happened like im making this up when i caught him i went though his phone the girl.he was seeing called me his ex its his co worker he won’t quit his job I’ve been thinking about commiting my self to lakes crossing

  37. karissa says:

    My boyfriend of 11years gets mad at me for crying I’m supose to get i found out3days ago I’ve know since it started 3months ago when he kept disappearing wouldn’t tell me where he was it was none of my business I’m not sure i even want him still i broke him and his other girlfriend up he got mad that i texted her

  38. Joeysgirl says:

    Was on an affair for 2 1/2 years. Very passionate. I fell hard and fast head over heels in love with him. He played me- to the tune of $12k. I found out the truth of his lies and told his wife. I hurt everyday for not only what I did to her but what I lost with him.

    I beg him to forgive me. He says he hates me and doesn't want to see me again. So I hurt in private. I am so ashamed of the affair. The deceit. The hurt. The lies. But mostly that I trusted him when he said he loved me and we would be together.

  39. bryon says:

    My partner of 11years gets mad at me for weeping I'm supose to get i discovered out3days ago I've know since it began 3months ago when he kept vanishing would not tell me where he was it was none of my company I'm not sure i even want him still i split him and his other sweetheart up he got mad that i texted her

  40. Unloved says:

    I too had an affair with a married man. 4/5 mths I don't like the word affair so I say relationship but it is what it is and it was an affair. I met the man about a mth after my husband of 30 yrs left me. I feel hard for him- he was so perfect and we had a connection that I had never had before with any man. We shared secrets that we had never shared with anyone else. We grew to love each other but the whole time he kept telling me he would never leave his wife for me because he couldn't out of obligation to her – they were married 33 yrs. He said she was family…of course I told him I knew all this and accepted it. But I didn't and then 2 weeks ago she caught him and he spilled everything to her. It has been terrible couple weeks and everyone is right you have no one to talk to because you are the bad person. I kept telling him you have her but what do I get? Then last Saturday he called and wanted me to meet him – my gut said no but my heart said yes so I went. He said he felt terrible guilt for meeting me because he promised her he would never have contact with me. He sucked me in and I let him.

  41. Want her back says:

    I am really glad to have found this forum. I really need advice. I don't want to get over her and I am at a loss of what to do at this point. A few months ago, I ended it with my Affair Partner of one year because the guilt was too much, she was hurting and I just couldn't bear with hurting her anymore being undecided on what to do. We mutually ended it and we went cold turkey, no contact, her decision. I had wanted to remain friends but she felt she couldn't do it. I have tried to contact her several times in the past few months but have gotten no response at all. I know I hurt her deeply. It's been nothing but excruciating pain ever since and I can't bear to be without her another day. At first, I felt like I had a new beginning ahead of me, I could release all the guilt of the affair that I had and try to focus on rekindling my marriage, but that hasn't happened. I had separated from my wife during the affair and decided to go back for my children, ages 17 and 15. After I returned to my wife, 5 months into the affair, things were good for awhile between us, but it was short lived. It also didn't help that I still continued the affair. Since my lover and I ended things, I've tried hard to salvage my marriage, but have done nothing but look for my lover in my wife and she doesn't even come close to comparing. I know everyone will tell me "well you married her" but in all honesty, we married very young and because she was pregnant. I didn't want to marry her to begin with but did so because I thought it was the right thing to do. We were actually happy for about 8-10 years, but we haven't been happy since.
    Now I am at a crossroads in my life and I want so badly to speak to my lover, but I don't know how to. We live 30 minutes from each other and I am thinking of just going to her house or work. I am so afraid that if I don't man up the courage and do something, proceed with this divorce, that I am going to lose the love of my life for good and I can't face that. I don't want to face that and I really believe I want out of this marriage before it's too late. Please, if anyone can give me some advice on what I can do to get my lover back, I would be so thankful.

  42. Lostandmoving says:

    Reading this article and the comments below really have left me feeling not so alone, abandoned, worthless. I loved my AP.. It was supposed to be just someone to talk to, someone to chat with online and spice up eachothers sex lives a bit but we had so much in common, we instantly found ourselves talking more about our days and lives than anything else. For 10 months it was nothing but constant contact from goodmorning to goodnight every, single, day. She already struggles with anxiety and depression and this situation ended up causing my own anxiety, but we still didn't want to lose eachother. It's hard to imagine within an hour things can be so well and instantly degrade leading to the end. A small misunderstanding and arguement initiated the end of it, she couldn't handle the guilt anymore, walking around anxious all the time. Lying to family, friends, co workers, church friends and herself. She was always upfront about never leaving her husband and we knew we would never be anything more than this. I've struggled with blaming myself, blaming her depression, blaming everything but the truth… After she ended it and told me how sorry she was, how much she cared for me, had feelings for me and would miss me I haven't heard from her. It's been almost 3 weeks, and 3 of the most painful weeks of my entire life. Ive been thinking that I was alone in this, after all she ended it she couldn't possibly care right? She hasn't missed me, she hasn't cried are looked at the things I sent her, the cards I wrote, my shirts I sent… She couldn't possibly care about any of that anymore, she's not struggling. Although she has kept no contact I understand now that most of us suffer, and suffer silently. She must feel
    Some of the same things, after all she was never a jealous person and had been showing jealousy quite a bit in the last month or 2. I know no contact is the best for us both, it's hard to accept and it hurts like hell. All affairs must end at some point and we got ourselves into this not exactly knowing we would fall so hard for each other, ending in heart break. After reading all of this I do have more comfort in believing it's a daily struggle for her as well… I know she couldn't go on anymore with the anxiety and guilt. Even though I see her smiling and posting on social media I know I am hiding behind a broken heart too, putting on a smile for everyone in my life acting as if nothing is wrong and nothing ever happened. I hope this pain doesn't last forever, and I can smile and think back to the good times and cherished moments we did have together. They say if you truly love someone that you should let them go, because their happiness and well being should be your main priority. I care about her so much that I have to let her go, I know this is the only way for us and this is what we both need to do as it is what's right… My wife is a good, loving, caring, woman and great to me. She doesn't deserve this, but I will always miss and love my partner. We became such good friends as well as Lovers, if only we could've remained friends but that's impossible. It's heart breaking for us all.

  43. angela says:

    I had a affair with my boss and ended up losing my job and him. All I think about is him. Being at home unemployed he is the only person I think about. It is so hard to put any effort to save my marriage when all I think is I lost my soul mate. I try to contact him but get no answer. The feelings I have for this man is something I have never felt. How do you stop feeling this way, how can you just walk away.

  44. Bob says:

    I had an affair. We had been married for 14 years and now its 15 years but she doesn't consider our marriage valid anymore since I had the affair.
    I thought I was in love with my affair partner but I wasn't and never will be. When my wife and I have discussion about the affair she always says that I love her and I always explain to her that I really didn't love my affair partner. My affair was not very long a few months but I know it doesn't matter as it did happen. We are on about nine months, six months when I told her the complete truth so we are still struggling as she is still going through relapse.
    I really truly love my wife and I am not ever going to leave her. The truth is I am going to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work and we will have a much stronger bond together but it will take time and work.
    I think any person that has an affair with their spouse and wants to remain marriage is going to have to deal with the struggles of regaining trust and rebuilding the relationship. I think once we establish this we will have a solid bond together and our commitment will be unbreakable. So if you are having problems and are considering just walking away please reconsider because if you make things right and if you love your spouse and you are willing to help your spouse you will have a marriage unlike many can ever imagine.
    Things will get better if you are willing to get through the tough times together.

  45. Kim says:

    I honestly thought that my marriage was healthy. i loved my husband with all my heart. we was married 8 years and have a 3 yr old son. we bought a house 2 months ago. i told him i was pregnant…then he starting acting strange. he didn't want me to keep the baby. one day i decided to tell him i could not go through with not having the baby (about 2 months pregnant), then he tells me he doesn't love me anymore. 2 days later he tells me he cheated on me and wants a divorce. he has since (2 weeks) been really cruel, cussed at me, told me he was going to file kidnapping on me, and has generally acted like i am a doormat. the other woman even contacted me and told me she is going to be my children's stepmother. i know that the affair was not very long because he met her 3 months ago. i don't know what has happened to my husband. i cannot eat or sleep and only have a sister with minimal finances. i completely alone and scared. i needed help because i don't know what to do. he filed for a divorce with a lawyer. so 3 days later a friend told me about a spell caster, i contacted him and told him my problem and what i wanted and after 3 days he brought my husband back and made my husband a changed man, he is now a good man.

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