Bisexual Women Are Not Lesbians

There’s still this stigma. Bisexual women are even treated as sexual pariahs by other bisexual women, which is something I never quite understood until recently. Bisexuality has a reputation derived not only from straight communities, but in the LGBT community as well. Is it fear of abandonment, over powering suspicions that once heart, body and soul have been given they will mysteriously up and leave after catching sight of something better from the not so fairer sex? What it seems to be in its rawest form is a case of discrimination. And there’s nothing wrong with anyone having discriminating tastes, born of personal and sexual appetite and desire because we all exhibit this, but what of those who judge solely based on the label alone?

I remember some years ago when I was actively seeking a girlfriend I’d become somewhat dejected when I’d hear from women who were not interested in studs, butches or any lesbian whose outward display fell within a masculine range. I was young and dumb and didn’t understand how a femme lesbian refused to be sexually attracted to her lesbian counterpart.  I wondered what their reasons must have been, and were they truly valid or simply based on shoddy stereotyping of an entire group of eligible women. Why couldn’t I wrap my head around the notion that they simply were not sexually attracted to the appearance or demeanor of a dominant lesbian with masculine attributes.  Why couldn’t lesbians understand that bisexual attractions to men were as valid as were their attractions to women. To be called flighty or confused was an insulting claim brought against anyone who identified as such. It wasn’t until I developed my own solid attraction to feminine women that I understood that very pertinent aspect of physical, chemical attraction.

Spiritually, I still hold the belief, even for myself, that attraction can occur between any two women regardless of how they or others identify themselves and what their physical attractions consist of with the right circunstances and a little effort. However, as I alluded to earlier, we are all entitled to our preferences. Where does that leave bisexuals? It depends on who you ask. A sizable number of lesbians were sexually involved with men at one time or another, yet since fully assimilating into the lesbian lifestyle and adopting the lesbian label, they receive little if any backlash. This is not to say those women were bisexual at any time because only they know their mind and body and its wants and needs. If bisexuality is inherent, that’s up to the individual to know. If it’s a natural progression that allows a woman to be with a man all her life, then one day a light bulb clicks on and she understands what she’s been missing, needing and craving all this time, then so be it. She may fall in love with the most unlikely individual, but those feelings are awakened and realized, and she’s no longer living and loving in the darkness of her own shadows. Imagine coming to an understanding about your sexuality, coupled with the capacity to love another unconditionally and monogamously. The feeling is understandably one that will have a major impact on the course of a person’s  life.

Historically, bisexual women have gotten a bad wrap. I’ve observed instances where a woman who has identified herself as bisexual is asked to choose between labels (lesbian – straight – bisexual) simply because she is dating or in a relationship with a particular man or woman who demands this. It is a request that may be born of insecurity or fear that if one is not forced to choose, they will eventually stray. But it is up to the individual doing the demanding to determine the rationality of that fear. Some will choose a label willingly, but for the bulk of the bisexual community they feel, and rightfully so, that they should be able to attain their identity regardless of who they’re shacking up with. In retrospect, I’ve held some of these views as my own at a time when I was immature and unable to articulate that the strength and respect demanded by the bisexual community was no joking matter. We are inclusive when they are helping to fight the good fight right alongside the other letters making up the LGTQ community, and they have fought alongside us for decades at a time. 

Another argument I’ve heard time and again has to do with promiscuity among bisexual women. This is usually a result of personal, negative experiences and the consequences of heartbreak. Some of the discrimination felt by bisexuals is akin to wrongly thinking that they cannot make up their minds, hence the reason they shuffle back and forth. The opposite is true, save for those exceptions to the rules. Whether they are with men or women, their relationships deserve the same respect without condition that we afford straight and gay couples. There is enough infidelity within the lesbian community having nothing to do with bisexual women for the focus on the sexual freedoms of bisexual women to be void of judgement. The two straight girls kissing on girls gone wild are not accurate representations either.

I also want to address bisexual studs and butches. Why this is such a polarizing occurrence for some lesbians is beyond me. I have yet to hear a valid argument proving why there is something wrong with a stud attracting both sexes and reciprocating that attraction. Is it because they have more options, and with more options comes the need for greater protection about not getting hurt, or worse, getting an STD?  Those concerns are as valid, however unfairly exaggerated among bisexual women compared to lesbians for lesbians only. It’s another matter of making unfair assessments based on personally skewed opinions. Studs’ and butches gender identity is determined internally (psychologically) and outwardly based on personal examination of their physical, emotional and sexual needs. This self examination is made to be seen in a negative light while trying to paint them as weird or odd when really, what’s weird and odd is to project ones own sexuality and gender identity onto another. 

We’re not meant to understand everything, however we are meant to grant and receive acceptance onto those things that aim to promote peaceful continuity and loving harmony in peoples lives regardless of sexual orientation. At the end of the day, conscious discrimination is still discrimination. None of us are immune to it, but we can become aware and prepared to overcome those obstacles that cause us to think irrationally about things we don’t fully understand or have never experienced. When we cause our own international divisions within the LGBT community due to irrational fears, we alienate allies. The truth is the negative sexual behaviors so commonly applied to bisexual women who exhibit them can be found in all groups and identities of lesbians, so really, why can’t we all just get along and get back to loving one another.

Comments

comments

Comments

13 Responses to “Bisexual Women Are Not Lesbians”
  1. SweetT says:

    This was a great post. I enjoyed reading your point of view.
    .-= SweetT´s last blog ..Booty Call =-.

  2. Knowledge says:

    Thank you, sweets.

  3. wazi says:

    This is an interesting article, I am guilty or saying little phrases like "dirty bisexuals" or "bi's a just confusing" but that was becuz the way some bisexuals protrayed themselves it wasn't until growth set in when I realized the (what I seem to be) real definition od bisexuality is loving or being in a relationship more with the person and not the gender per se. I'm not talkin abt these ppl that are gay for the day but the ppl that really are in committed relationships.

    Now as far as attraction its funny becuz I really don't like lables but ppl have said that I have the "swag" of a soft stud and I have had both men and women are attracted to me and altho I can't see myself crossin over to the "darkside" of heterosexuality (that was a joke by the way) I do find some guys attractive as well.

    I think we get so caught up with the whole lable thing that we loose sight of what's important. And u are so right in saying that for years bisexuals have been involved in the fight equal rights and everything else in our community so its insane for us to wanna exclude them just becuz who the decide to be with. We have a helluva lot of growing to do in our own community before we could go out and win the war for our community.

  4. oseye says:

    Wonderful article. I used to say bisexuals are just greedy….until I met a woman and fell in love. Only to be confused as to how my attraction to men did not lessen. I like the term "lover of people" because I think thats what I truly am – it may come in the form of a man or a woman but ultimately its their soul and spirit that seals the deal for me, not the gender. So my previous proclamations about being greedy were in fact very ignorant.
    .-= oseye´s last blog ..Wowza =-.

  5. Mellogyrl says:

    I think it all boils down to acceptance!! Unfortunately most individuals don't accept things/situations unless they find themselves in it directly or with some affiliation by a close friend or family member etc!!
    We just have to think differently and accept people for who they are and not what we think they should be!!!
    .-= Mellogyrl´s last blog ..So Sorry =-.

  6. Valerie says:

    Great Post! Bisexuals definitely get a bad rap and it's very unfortunate.
    .-= Valerie´s last blog ..Wax Poetics No. 39 =-.

  7. BWABW says:

    "Another argument I’ve heard time and again has to do with promiscuity among bisexual women. This is usually a result of personal, negative experiences and the consequences of heartbreak…"

    So true. I don't label myself as a lesbian or bisexual. I hate labels period and I don't think either of those labels fit me. I've dated two bisexual women and sadly, they both fit the confused-and-promiscuous stereotype. One of my good friends is bisexual and she's cheated on her gf with men. I would never discriminate against someone that labeled herself as a bisexual but I'm always "cautious" when dating a bisexual woman. I really need to let go of this because as you pointed out "there is enough infidelity within the lesbian community having nothing to do with bisexual women for the focus on the sexual freedoms of bisexual women to be void of judgement." SUCH a valid point!

  8. Smoothe Vindettah says:

    Great blog. Personally, i have no problems with bisexual fems, but bisexual studs comfuse me. i know that there is no universal definition of a stud, but most of society see studs as "masculine lesbians". Now, how can a LESBIAN be bisexual as well. If they want to be bi thats cool, but at least stop calling yourself a stud. maybe bisexual tomboy is more fitting. When these bisexual studs are having sex with these men, it gives them the impression that all studs may like dudes on the down low. then we have to worry about dudes coming at us. i have experienced this personally. Just as you, i have yet to come across someone who can tell me that this isnt a valid point. I could care less about who a stud date, or her options being increased or whatever. all i care about is that their choices is indirectly affecting my life as a stud. i would love to hear your reply to this.

  9. Knowledge says:

    Smoothe, thanks for stopping by my blog and letting me read your thoughts. As far as your comments on bisexual studs, the first thing we need to understand is that sexuality and gender are two different things. No matter what our gender (male, female, intersex) we all have varying degrees of feminity and masculinity. That definitely goes for studs as well. We are extremely diverse in nature, and we set ourselves apart from each other by simply being who we are. To be honest, being a stud doesn’t really have anything to do with who we’re attracted to. Apart from that, we’re all entitled to our preferences, attractions, turns ons and turn offs. What we find most physically and sexually appealing in another person, man or woman really is no one’s business but our own. I feel the same way about studs with men as I do about studs with studs. To each her own. I don’t feel as if someone else’s decision is a reflection on me because we are all unique on the inside. There is no universal rule of thumb to say who we can and cannot be attracted to. As long as she is properly representing herself, i.e., being up front and true about who she is and what her intentions are, then nothing else should matter, as long as no one is getting hurt. That’s my word. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. I appreciate it; looking forward to conversing with you again.

  10. TheGoldenGoddess says:

    AWESOME BLOG, KNOWLEDGE! You are simply amazing and enlightened! Keep teaching, reaching and illuminating our minds and souls!

    Peace and love,

    TheGoldenGoddess

    • Knowledge says:

      Goddess, thank you for blessing my blog with your pressense. And thank YOU for the enlightenment you bring as well. I get a lot of inspiration from fellow bloggers like yourself. Not to mention that you're like a ray of sunshine whenver you stop by. Looking forward to your next visit. Peace & Love

  11. Pariah says:

    This was an awesome blog, beautiful . . . I am a bit of a tomboy myself and find I feel more comfortable in looser clothing. I am attracted to women and men. I don't consider myself to be a stud, but depending on the night that's what my friends would call me. And it feels weird to call myself bisexual. So it's nice to hear a fresh out look on the matter

  12. JoIndy says:

    I realize this blog is not recent, but I just found it when I searched on "Bisexual, Women, Acceptance". I cannot begin to say how significant it is for me. Over the last 25 years every time I poked my nose out of the closest I had awful experiences. The lesbians I met did treat me as a pariah. My straight girlfriends felt the need to convince me that what I felt was just like their "experiments" in college and it was just a phase. Men thought i was alluding to a possible three-way in the future.

    No, I'm not confused. I'm not going through a phase. No, I'm not looking for a hook up. I'm wanting to be apart of a community to which I should belong. instead, I'm hesitstant to play another round of whack-a-mole, where I am the mole. I'm planing on attending the LGBTQ center for a celebrate bisexuality day party in a little over a week.

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