It’s not a difficult pursuit unless the relationship ended so badly there is absolutelyno chance of reconciliation. Cultivating a true friendship after the romance is dead is especially difficult if the relationship was one dimensional throughout, i.e., the physical attraction overpowered an intense emotional connection that could have been established. If the friendship was solid prior to the onset of romance, then retaining it is likely to complicate matters of the heart and mind on a much deeper level. Hurt feelings will linger on longer in that regard. Once that relationship ends a transition period begins which includes revamping shared interests, goals, family matters and mutual friendships.
Single lesbians are well aware that ex-girlfriend’s lurking in the background have a propensity to interfere and delay progression, so they’d much rather you remain out of the picture.
Despite this, many lesbians are close friends with one or more of their ex’s. However, the ex-partners have to work very hard at dealing with the loss of not only the romantic relationship, but also accepting new boundaries. When anger, jealousy and grief are present remaining friends can be like watching two freight trains collide in slow motion.
If you’re still in love with your ex, you probably didn’t want the relationship to end. You’re hurt, relieved or both depending on why it ended and odds are the situation is not idealistic for forming and maintaining a friendship on any level yet or maybe never. If you try too soon, hurt feelings will continue to resurface. Until the healing process is complete, any attempt to be friends will have disastrous consequences. Give yourself at least one month for each year of the relationship to grieve its end.
If the reasons for the breakup have created a deeply negative sentiment that cannot be repaired in the foreseeable future, not only will you discover that your attempts will be thwarted at every turn, you will further cause yourself and ex additional distress. It is best to force yourself to move on by any positive means necessary.
Why then is remaining friends with ex-girlfriend’s as frowned upon as it is a widely accepted practice? If you can’t be a couple, friendship can provide a certain safety net and protective cover for the broken hearted or those afflicted with shattered pride. You may decide that friendship could be an open door either back to her heart or back into the comfort zone you grew so accustomed to. Women are most vulnerable after a breakup and there are times when an ex will try to take advantage of this. Most often it’s the result of a sense of fear of abandonment and being completely cut off from someone you once felt something for. Feelings of loneliness can be pervasive thus prompting a need to reconnect. In a figurative sense, these kinds of feelings are what keep couples in relationships long after it’s over. This feeling is natural, but the behavior is unhealthy. No matter how it ends, your intentions should remain realistic with boundaries respected by both parties. If neither can respect the others needs then a friendship will prove fruitless. While it is true that misery loves company, when one decides to move on to a new romantic interest, hurt feelings will crop up if that offer of friendship was based on deceit.
If an ex retains strong feelings she’ll likely look for any indication that there’s still a chance. When this happens it creates an air of discomfort especially when there’s been no resolve to the initial breakup, or if one or both are pursuing new romantic interests. This is a major reason why boundaries are put in place; to circumvent insincerity.
Couples who’ve experienced a clean break and want to remain friends should not be dismayed. Ex-lovers who have worked out their issues stand an excellent chance at reviving and cultivating a friendship. Not only do they work, they personify and breathe truth into the notion that with careful and diligent effort, a healthy relationship can be born. A good friendship should be regarded as a personal investement. Although temptation may rear its ugly head, it’s entirely up to the individual to determine whether they want to digress or progress. Friendships are as real and meaningful as we allow them to be, so communicate not only through words but precise actions. Determine if the pursuit is worth the quest. Ultimately, depending on your personalities and the situation, there should exist a solid grasp on whether or not a meaningful, platonic relationship can honestly stand a chance.
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Great post!!!
Of course, once as you’ve said, that boundaries(ie. its understood that there is not going back & one doesn’t get angry/annoyed or go ballistic if the others finds a love interest (before the other)) are set and the break up was cordial!!
But this is not as easy as the vice versa version (ie providing things keep going well) when reality hits and outside influences provide constant insight/know how/seeing signals that are not there, things can get a bit crazy!!!
For me it all boils down to how well you really knew the person, that in itself should give one some insight into which folks you can or cannot maintain a friendship with on any level!!
Yes you and your ex can be friends. Just depends on the bond that was shared in the relationship and if the relationship ended in good standing. My most recent ex is my BFF, and we have that understanding. Sometimes it helps if their a thousand miles away, lol. Its one thing to have dinner and a movie with an ex, its another to just hit em up on facebook every once in awhile. Its all about boundaries.
I agree 100%! Ha, it’s funny you mention being miles apart because that definitely helps with keeping a healthy balance, keeping things in proper perspective, and checking ourselves and emotions at the door. Boundaries are the key ingredients, and communication is the tie that binds. Thank you for your comment, Teresz.