The Dark Side of Affairs IV
I was recently asked by a reader of my blog: How or what did you read or do in order to initially get it together!?
I met my karma head on. After all, it was mine - I earned it, I deserved it, I knew it was coming and so I braced and prepared myself for the world of hurt the impact would cause. I stopped justifying my bad behavior and started facing my fears. I stopped running from commitment and seriously neglecting personal responsibilities and sacrificing my morals for a quick feel good fix.
I had to be completely honest with myself. I had to let the affair be a testament to my imperfect frailty. It is vital that you be honest with yourself and the person you’re having the affair with. I was in love with my mistress and there was a time following the affair when I couldn’t even admit that. When you’ve given a piece of your heart to someone, it is forever gone and you have to come to terms with that loss. The more you put it off, the worse off you become.
Cheating affects the lives of everyone around you. Because you’re not only lying to yourself, you’re lying to everyone else too. Living that lie often points to deeper issues that underlie the relationship you have with your significant other (yourself if you’re single or your partner if you’re in a relationship.) There’s usually something wrong or missing - a result of some negative force lying beneath the surface that is perpetually avoided or excused so that it continues. This immoral behavior is so easily recognized that it can be addressed or ignored altogether depending on what foot the shoe is on and who is wearing it. Cheating is easy and indiscriminate and it hurts innocent people who have absolutely nothing to do with the actions pursued, especially children.
Recognizing patterns of excess in our lives manifested through lust, sexual insatiability, physical and emotional attention wanted and sought using false promises of love and impassioned sex is a crucial step, but one that many cheaters often disregard until long after the affair has been exposed.
I didn’t have to read or do anything except to allow myself to experience the overwhelming weight of my actions as they crashed down on me, pulling me deeper still into a place I wasn’t ready to go yet, to face questions about myself I wasn’t ready to answer. I had to feel a hurt so deep that felt so bad that any and all tears left within me dried completely up, leaving my heart feeling like a heavy burden upon my soul instead of being the life force that it is. Experiencing that kind of pain is what eventually caused me to snap out of the false comfort I’d created for myself and those around me for that 2 years time period.
I had to get played like a fool because that’s what I was and how I felt. Toward the end of my affair I was so hurt by the resulting actions of my ex and her attempts to protect herself from further pain by withdrawing, but not completely, that my emotions eventually shut down. The pain of loss that I felt was honest and true as far as I knew and while affected I let my words flow out of me like the emotions that had previously overwhelmed. I turned thoughts into words and emptied my heart. I was pissed off at myself and at her because I still wanted her, but I loved my girlfriend and there was no way to reconcile the two because what I had been doing was plain wrong.
In the end, life goes on, but what’s most difficult to remember is that love goes right along with it. Like people, love reinvents itself, yet remains timeless. We must do the same with the affairs aftershocks… by reinventing ourselves. Transfer any longing onto something beneficial or onto an available someone else. Seek outward inspiration like you sought that first fiery kiss that felt so good you could have floated up to heaven. Crave positivity and goodness, which cheating is not, like you crave peace of mind. When we mistreat our bodies through poor diet and lack of exercise, our bodies suffer and ultimately so do we. We are an extension of our physical selves. So to do our souls suffer greatly when we feed them garbage when what it really desires is healthy, life giving sustenance. Affairs are kind of like that. They are completely and utterly self destructive no matter how good the sex is or how far gone your emotions may be for the object of your affection. No matter how good it feels, a lie is a lie and it only serves to weaken our other truths and to delay our healing.
In the final chapter of my affair I penned a poem.
The Meanest Poem I Ever Wrote.
It’s funny how someone who once loved you can so easily forget the good while at the same vividly remembering the bad times.
Because those bad instances somehow negate the good shit?
No, it’s because those bad times are what ultimately lead to the end of an error.
I mean the end of a long over-through relationship.
If the new girlfriend so easily had you from the start, then be honest, she really didn’t have to try all that hard.
You were left wide open and ripe for the picking.
You wanted someone to move in with and to keep your pussy dripping.
To restore your peace of mind and relinquish loves fate.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, just be real is what I’m saying.
It’s even worse that you were trying to restore your relationship with me.
At the same time forming a new one with your new shining King.
Again, be real with yourself, if you know how to that is.
So used to being fake with your family and friends.
If you must know, I always found that social awkwardness repulsive.
I noticed how it took no time for you to find your new shining knight, while at the same time you couldn’t even keep on your lights.
Asking me to continue assisting you financially, because you couldn’t pay your bills, but didn’t want your new girl to see.
I should have known you were phony, your contrast was stark.
Shouldn’t have paid a damn thing, let you both sit there in the dark.
Your credit was bad and I’m glad I didn’t let you destroy that too.
You’ve got some nerve writing about needing to be rescued.
I did plenty of that while you fucked your new piece in the bedroom.
You found someone who was interested in the outward exchanges while you still expressed your love and want for me daily.
Again, you disgust me and in the end I realized you were mostly out for my money.
Your new love was curious about why you needed to console yourself all the while telling her one thing while telling me something else.
You were whoring your debt out to the highest bidder, Me, while lying to her about your availability.
And I use the word love very lightly in your case since you have no idea what it actually consists of, you fucking fake.
You were telling your new love all the sweet nothings you’d told me.
Regurgitated bullshit expecting her to write to you like me, recite you poetry and give you nice pretty things like me?
She couldn’t get on my level if I gave her my vocabulary.
Calling her my old familiar names, yet all the while my dumb ass still paid your bills because….
- those mother fuckers were not getting paid.
How about that knight of yours be my banker for a day and make good on the debt that you left me unpaid.
Your soul belongs to no one and you are without shame… although you should own up to your share for shit you did back in the day, mate.
You are too damn old to be playing these games.
I guess it would be too much to say “act your age,” since you act like you never grew out of your “daddy’s girl” phase.
It is my hope that you never find another like any others you’ve ever been with before me; remember Melanie?
Hopefully, this new one teaches you the value of being a real woman who can be true to herself and stop being fake ’cause for real though.
All I saw was fake, from your hair weave to the cheap glue you’d use to the eyelashes you’d apply using that same tacky ass glue.
I never got to tell you I loved you dancing or standing still,
I never got to tell you that sometimes your underarms smelled.
I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH even though I chuckle at the smell, I mean the thought of it now.
I used to wonder how you didn’t gag at yourself at times, but when you smell funk long enough you get used to it right?
All these things I kept inside because… well, at the time I truly loved you and I thought I was your shining knight.
Time’s allowed me to clear my heart and now it’s time to clear my mind.
You had every right to write that blog but even more telling was the glaring lack of response.
How your sentiments seemed corny and your testimonials a big front.
Do me a favor and put your page back on private from now on.
And please watch what you write because I’ll come out on top.
Funny how karma works and how I don’t wish the bad kind on anyone.
But if clearing my mind makes you wish that bad bitch on me, it’s only fair since I’m putting it out there for all to see.
Let’s just hope there’s no backlash ’cause you ain’t all roses, Missy.
I know damn well my shit stinks, but I bite back when I hear a motherfucker talkin’ shit about me.