The Dark Side of Affairs IV
I was recently asked by a reader of my blog: How or what did you read or do in order to initially get it together!?
I met my karma head on. After all, it was mine - I earned it, I deserved it, I knew it was coming and so I braced and prepared myself for the world of hurt the impact would cause. I stopped justifying my bad behavior and started facing my fears. I stopped running from commitment and seriously neglecting personal responsibilities and sacrificing my morals for a quick feel good fix.
I had to be completely honest with myself. I had to let the affair be a testament to my imperfect frailty. It is vital that you be honest with yourself and the person you’re having the affair with. I was in love with my mistress and there was a time following the affair when I couldn’t even admit that. When you’ve given a piece of your heart to someone, it is forever gone and you have to come to terms with that loss. The more you put it off, the worse off you become.
Cheating affects the lives of everyone around you. Because you’re not only lying to yourself, you’re lying to everyone else too. Living that lie often points to deeper issues that underlie the relationship you have with your significant other (yourself if you’re single or your partner if you’re in a relationship.) There’s usually something wrong or missing - a result of some negative force lying beneath the surface that is perpetually avoided or excused so that it continues. This immoral behavior is so easily recognized that it can be addressed or ignored altogether depending on what foot the shoe is on and who is wearing it. Cheating is easy and indiscriminate and it hurts innocent people who have absolutely nothing to do with the actions pursued, especially children.
Recognizing patterns of excess in our lives manifested through lust, sexual insatiability, physical and emotional attention wanted and sought using false promises of love and impassioned sex is a crucial step, but one that many cheaters often disregard until long after the affair has been exposed.
I didn’t have to read or do anything except to allow myself to experience the overwhelming weight of my actions as they crashed down on me, pulling me deeper still into a place I wasn’t ready to go yet, to face questions about myself I wasn’t ready to answer. I had to feel a hurt so deep that felt so bad that any and all tears left within me dried completely up, leaving my heart feeling like a heavy burden upon my soul instead of being the life force that it is. Experiencing that kind of pain is what eventually caused me to snap out of the false comfort I’d created for myself and those around me for that 2 years time period.
I had to get played like a fool because that’s what I was and how I felt. Toward the end of my affair I was so hurt by the resulting actions of my ex and her attempts to protect herself from further pain by withdrawing, but not completely, that my emotions eventually shut down. The pain of loss that I felt was honest and true as far as I knew and while affected I let my words flow out of me like the emotions that had previously overwhelmed. I turned thoughts into words and emptied my heart. I was pissed off at myself and at her because I still wanted her, but I loved my girlfriend and there was no way to reconcile the two because what I had been doing was plain wrong.
In the end, life goes on, but what’s most difficult to remember is that love goes right along with it. Like people, love reinvents itself, yet remains timeless. We must do the same with the affairs aftershocks… by reinventing ourselves. Transfer any longing onto something beneficial or onto an available someone else. Seek outward inspiration like you sought that first fiery kiss that felt so good you could have floated up to heaven. Crave positivity and goodness, which cheating is not, like you crave peace of mind. When we mistreat our bodies through poor diet and lack of exercise, our bodies suffer and ultimately so do we. We are an extension of our physical selves. So to do our souls suffer greatly when we feed them garbage when what it really desires is healthy, life giving sustenance. Affairs are kind of like that. They are completely and utterly self destructive no matter how good the sex is or how far gone your emotions may be for the object of your affection. No matter how good it feels, a lie is a lie and it only serves to weaken other truths and delay our healing.