When The Mistress Feels Cheated
To ensure there was no doubt he spelt it out: “I was unfaithful, I had affairs, I cheated. What I did was unacceptable. – Tiger Woods
You know something is wrong when the mistress feels more cheated than the girlfriend or wife. The very definition of cheat[ing] in comparison to the nature of a committed relationship presents one hell of a messy contradiction. More telling is when the other woman feels slighted when apologies are made public to family and friends for indescretions, but not to her. And that’s the thing about fantasies and affairs even after they are over. They provide an amazing fantasy world in a warped reality until warp speed malfunctions and fake bliss comes to a screeching halt.
It brings me to Tiger Woods recent apology about his affairs and the aftermath that continues to follow him since they became public. A horde of women have come forward to proudly declare themselves Tiger’s willing mistresses. This has been quite the eye opener since mistresses typically do not receive welcome receptions after affairs are brought to light. It’s also out of the ordinary for them to be so forthcoming about their role, especially with prior knowledge of a wife or girlfriend or worse, children. With that said, my interest in this has everything to do with contrasting the differences between lesbian and heterosexual affairs and expectations at the aftermath.
When my affair ended, I still cared about the feelings of my other woman. So much so that I was still calling her my “ex-girlfriend” when the truth was, she was my mistress, i.e., other woman (OW). I carried on as if she was simply an ex that I was naughty with, and she reciprocated those sentiments because that’s exactly what I told her she was. I said it multiple times during the course of the affair. In retrospect, I believe it was a last ditch attempt to continue to downplay, in whatever way I could muster, the truest nature of the relationship. When I begin blogging about it, I was reinforcing that title, while also putting my prior actions on blast.
I was ready to come to terms with some of the lies, but not all because I was convinced of a truth based on lies. Deep down, no matter what I lead her or anyone else to believe, the relationship was fabricated and unfair to both women. It’s difficult to explain deep seated feelings in the midst of infidelity because while those feelings are very real, they can assist in continuing to distort reality because they are more real than any lie you’ve ever told. In that sense, they become a convenient excuse to continue down a path leading to nowhere. But at the end of the day, a lie is still a lie.
I read blogs authored by former and current mistresses and other women. I wanted to understand their perspective. My intent was to gauge how my ex-OW might have felt at the time that I started writing. I wondered if she felt the same as most of these OW’s. That staying with the wife or girlfriend is punishment in and of itself since things were so bad you resorted to having an affair. This is because they believed every negative piece ever said about the wife or girlfriend. Many believe the person they cheated with has moved on to someone else, is having sex with someone other than the girlfriend, or that sex with the girlfriend is punishment enough because they couldn’t possibly be satisfying in bed since you stepped out on them.
Let me tell you, these assumptions couldn’t be any further from the truth. When I was involved in the affair, it was not for lack of an already completely fulfilling sex life. The intimacy between my girlfriend and I was passionate, which made the discovery of the affair all the more hurtful. Most affairs have little to do with a lack of sex and more to do with emotional immaturity and wanting our cake and eating it too. The sexual aspect may be most telling in multiple instances of one night stands, or random hookups, but most affairs are born of an emotional intimacy.
What I took away from those blog posts was that other woman tend to feel some manner of fierce resentment toward the girlfriend or wife that decides to stay. If the cheater wants to salvage the relationship there remains lasting resentment that manifests itself even a year after the fact. It’s understandable seeing as there are two sides to every story, but affairs can have up to three of four sides of a story depending on the circumstanes and parties involved.
If I could re-write some of my initial blog posts, I would, but I won’t because I want to be able to gauge my progress years from now. The point of this entry is to reinforce in my mindset that the responsibility of a cheating spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or lover when the affair has ended is to make amends to the person who hurts the most. There is no responsibility to the other woman or mistress, but to be able to one day clear my conscious and heal, I couldn’t help but feel for my ex-OW. As devastating as that thought may be, public apologies are only owed and should be reserved for the woman most deserving; the wife or girlfriend.
A short apology via e-mail, letter, or phone could prove beneficial and thrwat off retribution by the OW, but if the apology is not accepted, DO NOT dwell on it. Move on. Her feelings and emotions do matter but the greatest and only responsibility is to family.
It’s sickening to watch some of Tiger’s mistresses demand apologies and hire lawyers with ill intent. They all knew of Tiger’s home life and if they didn’t they could have google’d it. They knew he had a wife and two children regardless of any lies he told. Elin is the only woman in the position to make demands. The odds of her receiving an apology, public or private, from all of Tiger’s mistresses are slim.
I apologized to my OW until I was blue in the face and then apologized some more. If I had it to do all over again, I would say nothing. My apologies caused my girlfriend and OW additional hurt. Not only because I wasn’t directing 100% of my efforts on her and our relationship, but because my ex-mistress felt entitled to her apology and harbored hurt feelings. The title I gave her throughout the course of the affair caused her to feel entitled. It would seem absurd for any of Tiger’s mistresses to be upset with Elin. When personal attacks are directed at the cheaters girlfriend or wife, it is unacceptable. I caution any reformed cheater who wants to save their relationship to focus all energy into the woman who is truly entitled.