When The Mistress Feels Cheated
To ensure there was no doubt he spelt it out: “I was unfaithful, I had affairs, I cheated. What I did was unacceptable. – Tiger Woods
You know something is wrong when the mistress feels more cheated than the girlfriend or wife. The very definition of cheat[ing] in comparison to the nature of a committed relationship presents one hell of a messy contradiction. More telling is when the other woman feels slighted when apologies are made public to family and friends for indescretions, but not to her. And that’s the thing about fantasies and affairs even after they are over. They provide an amazing fantasy world in a warped reality until warp speed malfunctions and fake bliss comes to a screeching halt.
It brings me to Tiger Woods recent apology about his affairs and the aftermath that continues to follow him since they became public. A horde of women have come forward to proudly declare themselves Tiger’s willing mistresses. This has been quite the eye opener since mistresses typically do not receive welcome receptions after affairs are brought to light. It’s also out of the ordinary for them to be so forthcoming about their role, especially with prior knowledge of a wife or girlfriend or worse, children. With that said, my interest in this has everything to do with contrasting the differences between lesbian and heterosexual affairs and expectations at the aftermath.
When my affair ended, I still cared about the feelings of my other woman. So much so that I was still calling her my “ex-girlfriend” when the truth was, she was my mistress, i.e., other woman (OW). I carried on as if she was simply an ex that I was naughty with, and she reciprocated those sentiments because that’s exactly what I told her she was. I said it multiple times during the course of the affair. In retrospect, I believe it was a last ditch attempt to continue to downplay, in whatever way I could muster, the truest nature of the relationship. When I begin blogging about it, I was reinforcing that title, while also putting my prior actions on blast.
I was ready to come to terms with some of the lies, but not all because I was convinced of a truth based on lies. Deep down, no matter what I lead her or anyone else to believe, the relationship was fabricated and unfair to both women. It’s difficult to explain deep seated feelings in the midst of infidelity because while those feelings are very real, they can assist in continuing to distort reality because they are more real than any lie you’ve ever told. In that sense, they become a convenient excuse to continue down a path leading to nowhere. But at the end of the day, a lie is still a lie.
I read blogs authored by former and current mistresses and other women. I wanted to understand their perspective. My intent was to gauge how my ex-OW might have felt at the time that I started writing. I wondered if she felt the same as most of these OW’s. That staying with the wife or girlfriend is punishment in and of itself since things were so bad you resorted to having an affair. This is because they believed every negative piece ever said about the wife or girlfriend. Many believe the person they cheated with has moved on to someone else, is having sex with someone other than the girlfriend, or that sex with the girlfriend is punishment enough because they couldn’t possibly be satisfying in bed since you stepped out on them.
Let me tell you, these assumptions couldn’t be any further from the truth. When I was involved in the affair, it was not for lack of an already completely fulfilling sex life. The intimacy between my girlfriend and I was passionate, which made the discovery of the affair all the more hurtful. Most affairs have little to do with a lack of sex and more to do with emotional immaturity and wanting our cake and eating it too. The sexual aspect may be most telling in multiple instances of one night stands, or random hookups, but most affairs are born of an emotional intimacy.
What I took away from those blog posts was that other woman tend to feel some manner of fierce resentment toward the girlfriend or wife that decides to stay. If the cheater wants to salvage the relationship there remains lasting resentment that manifests itself even a year after the fact. It’s understandable seeing as there are two sides to every story, but affairs can have up to three of four sides of a story depending on the circumstanes and parties involved.
If I could re-write some of my initial blog posts, I would, but I won’t because I want to be able to gauge my progress years from now. The point of this entry is to reinforce in my mindset that the responsibility of a cheating spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or lover when the affair has ended is to make amends to the person who hurts the most. There is no responsibility to the other woman or mistress, but to be able to one day clear my conscious and heal, I couldn’t help but feel for my ex-OW. As devastating as that thought may be, public apologies are only owed and should be reserved for the woman most deserving; the wife or girlfriend.
A short apology via e-mail, letter, or phone could prove beneficial and thrwat off retribution by the OW, but if the apology is not accepted, DO NOT dwell on it. Move on. Her feelings and emotions do matter but the greatest and only responsibility is to family.
It’s sickening to watch some of Tiger’s mistresses demand apologies and hire lawyers with ill intent. They all knew of Tiger’s home life and if they didn’t they could have google’d it. They knew he had a wife and two children regardless of any lies he told. Elin is the only woman in the position to make demands. The odds of her receiving an apology, public or private, from all of Tiger’s mistresses are slim.
I apologized to my OW until I was blue in the face and then apologized some more. If I had it to do all over again, I would say nothing. My apologies caused my girlfriend and OW additional hurt. Not only because I wasn’t directing 100% of my efforts on her and our relationship, but because my ex-mistress felt entitled to her apology and harbored hurt feelings. The title I gave her throughout the course of the affair caused her to feel entitled. It would seem absurd for any of Tiger’s mistresses to be upset with Elin. When personal attacks are directed at the cheaters girlfriend or wife, it is unacceptable. I caution any reformed cheater who wants to save their relationship to focus all energy into the woman who is truly entitled.
i agree with u 100%. me and a friend of mine were actually talking about this earlier today. OWs have become more than what they are the OTHER WOMAN! which means in essence they are extra, the other, not the main. nowadays the OW is wanting wifey privileges and thats not the case. A month ago my ex-OW wrote my girlfriend on myspace telling her everything. even in it, she said "i know it was just a fling but…" key word it a FLING. she knew i had a girlfriend. OWs need to stay in their lane! they are doing too much nowadays.
I do not agree with any of what you have said. This is absolutely built to remain in your own denial of the actions you placed on not only the woman you cheated on but the woman you cheated with. The OW as so beautifully expressed is a human being with feelings, perhaps at one point and time she lied to herself and convinced herself that she was running from love and she was looking to find someone inaccessible, but in all reality the other woman is looking for the same thing all human beings look for TO BE LOVED. To treat the woman because she made a choice to run to a man who stated to her what it was going to be like, to treat her with no dignity and no respect does not negate the fact that you have hurt her just as much as you have hurt the woman you cheated on, you allowed her to be mislead on one level or another, perhaps she also played a role but this does not negate the fact that the yearning part in her heart was seeking to be loved, she did not need to have her life placed on hold for you yet a part of her which lied about who you are told herself that you might eventually see the value she has. Just because she may have chosen this role aware of the consequences does not mean that she is not human and will not feel and does not deserve for you to at least admit that you used her like she was not human.
If she knew he was married, too darn bad.
I do agree with you on one hand – especially in the Tiger Woods case, and maybe I am naive but I was with my married man for 11 years. A "sorry" from him for fucking up all of my 20's would have been nice.
Exactly!
Missy, you're right. I know that with every instance of cheating, someone's going to get hurt. It isn't just one or two people, but normally there are three people filling the hurt and pain void, and in some cases, a whole lot more. In Tiger's situation, there were so many women he had affairs with, they had to not only have known about each other, but more importantly his wife. The fact that they were so voal and loud about their roles, knowing good and well he was married the entire time, made their claims all the more disillusioned, in my opinion. As for your situation, you have every right to have expected at the very least, an apology.
The apology is for the hurt suffered and endured, and less about being knowledgeable about each others primary relatonships, especially when you have a married man carrying on with one other woman. I understand that wholeheartedly, but there are also times when you've given those apologies over and over again and the other woman never deems them to be good enough, let alone a decent start.
Tiger owed it to his wife and mistresses, but when they put themselves at the forefront without allowing his wife a chance to stand on her public soap box to garner deserved sympathy, my own sympathy for some of the other women dwindled considerably.
Eleven years is almost a marriage in many respects. He owes you far more than an apology and I'm sorry you didn't get that.
Of course the wife deserves sympathy, and of course the woman who played the role must face what they have done in the circumstances. But what irks me, what really gets me is that all of this takes away from the idea that the man who placed both his wife and the other women in this role takes no responsibility. Perhaps the reason that a man can apologize until he is blue in the face but never get the accepted apology is because until the man faces up to the hurt he causes by creating this three ring circus triangle will never be a real apology until he actually accepts the actions he has taken and admits to himself who he really is as a result of not only playing just one or two women but many.
"What I took away from those blog posts was that other woman tend to feel some manner of fierce resentment toward the girlfriend or wife that decides to stay. If the cheater wants to salvage the relationship there remains lasting resentment that manifests itself even a year after the fact."
I think you need to understand that not every "OW" is this emotionally immature or naive about what they are getting into when they choose to engage with a married man. Some OW do love the men they are involved with and want the best for them even if that means they don't end up together.
Many of these blogs, I've noticed, are written by women who don't actually come to ANY conclusions (at least publicly) about WHY they did what they did interestingly enough. There's a distinct lack of personal responsibility and when it does start to rear its head it's usually quickly followed by excuses and resentment and blame–women going so far as to imply they were kept in that situation by the man. As though they had no choice in the matter.
And on Tiger's "mistresses". Those women betrayed him as much as he betrayed his wife. He owes them no public apology. That's like asking his wife to apologize to him publicly for any problems in their marriage. It's ridiculous.
The reason for some of my earlier blogs were born of frustration at some of the things you mention. Some lack of personal responsility did exist, but it was not understood by some people from the point of view you've so accurately illustrated above.
There is nothing you've written that I disagree with. Ultimately, full responsility lay with me, but you're also correct in saying that everyone involved has choice. Thanks for the unique perspective (that of the other woman.)
I'm sorry, you misunderstand me–perhaps I didn't word this well at all. I didn't mean that YOU had a lack of personal responsibility…I was referring to the OW blogs that I've read online. I haven't seen any that talk about their real reasons for having an affair or what they really learned from it etc. All I ever see is a lot of anger and resentment–you mentioned this in your blog post-(the anger and resentment you'd been seeing from OW, particularly about wives and gf who choose to stay with the cheating partner and work on the relationship–I agree with you) .
In fact I've seen the exact opposite with the person who has been attached or married and chosen to have the affair–when THEY write blogs about it they DO examine their reasons and their choices and take responsibility for them.
I certainly haven't read every entry on every OW blog online but I haven't come across one yet that has made me stop and say oh, I never thought of that.. I'm not sure why that is. ?
wakingpersephone´s last blog ..limbo is over
"Many of these blogs, I’ve noticed, are written by women who don’t actually come to ANY conclusions (at least publicly) about WHY they did what they did interestingly enough. There’s a distinct lack of personal responsibility and when it does start to rear its head it’s usually quickly followed by excuses and resentment and blame–women going so far as to imply they were kept in that situation by the man. As though they had no choice in the matter."
I am the other woman and I will tell you why I did/do it. I did it before because I was tired of being the woman hurt by men who treated me while being the primary woman as if I was nothing while the fantasy woman out there held such importance, than I started to fall in love and I guess always sought love and just sought it in the wrong way. I stay now, not because I have a chocie, I would be gone if I could, but love is a strong force, love is hard to endure and much harder when the man you are with keeps promising he will change and will make things better and never does… until a woman has enough self respect and dignity for herself she will not walk away, but to say that this woman deserves it, its just like saying this woman doesn't deserve to be loved.
I agree with Naomi. Even if the OW knowingly got involved with the married man doesn't mean she didn't get hurt.
Every relationship is different. Not all affairs are 'flings' or superficial. And not all emotional connections are superficial. Not all marriages are healthy or worth saving, I might add.
So when the man puts all his energy in making amends with his spouse (rightfully so), the OW is extremely hurt. This man made promises to love and cherish his OW, possibly plans to leave his wife, possibly spend the rest of his life with her.
Does she not hurt? There is a bit of a mercenary quality to these comments. The basic of it, is that the OW should be punished because she done wrong.
The problem here is when you intentionally and willfully lead a person (OW) into a trap of lies and manipulation to "have your cake and eat it too: you should make an apology. Most long term infidelity relationships are founded out of true feelings of love…at least in the eyes of the OW. They have little reason to continue to play the game otherwise. Most in truth are waiting for the person to make a decision on who they will ultimately be with. Me the Mistress or back to the wifey. Thru the act of lies and distorted truths they continue to hang on to a hope of a future that in reality is nothing more than empty promises, heartache and deceit. For that….You most definitely OWE them an apology. Now if you were honest from the start and you had the arrangement that your relationship would always and only be just friends with benefits that is a different case. But if find that a difficult thing to accomplish in the long term. There will always be expectations of the OW when you engage for a lengthy period of time.
my husband had many affairs but there was one mistress i will never forget. I know she loved him soo much that she did nit look at the fact that he was married she did not care she just wanted him. He came looking for her I guess and if not her it would of been someone else etc. But if I could talk to her I woud tell her everytime he came home from being with her I smelled her perfume and everything on him while he made love to me too right after seeing her amazing. I would cry when I knew he was with her but i wonder did she cry when he came home tome. He asked me to give him a baby girl while he was with her why ever i dont know. I tried to give him that baby girl but ultrasound said it was a boy and was discouraged and he kept seeing her even more. I almost had an abortion but backed out right at the table i knew it wasnt babys fault because he was a boy. i stayed but his affair got stronger and spent more time with her. I was depressed and did not eat and cried a lot. Then I decided to just leave so i did .
Then he left her and came begging me for forgiveness to take him back. I did Nd I regret it. because of my suffering and malnutrition I had a child with autism.He struggles but hes ok. I iften wonder if his mistress knew i was pregnant and how heartbroken i was. her name was Maritza if you are reading this I know you loved him but so did i but he was married to me he was taken as hard as it may have been for you to let him go why didnt you think of my family? Maritza I dont hate you but somehow I wish you would of let him go if more women did this maybe there would be less hurt famiies I dont know the answer. I f he told you he loved you ok but he told me he loved me too. If Iwas such a bad wife why did he ask me to have his children. I was an excellent mother. I was not a perfect wife but how could i when he was with you. Maritza If I saw you today iwould of liked you to of been honest and came to me and told me your man doesnt love you and hes with me honestly I would of never taken him back. Honestly I wish he would of left to be with you.
To all the other women don't you feel selfish to be with a man who has a family. Destroy another woman and her childrens lives. You should never get that close to fall in love with a taken man. Yes I am married to a man who had an affair. His mistress went as far as to send me a letter shortly before I was to come to where he worked in another state and it was full of lies about hhow he loved her and couldn't let her go. I found out they were lies from a letter she wrote him. He actually told me the truth about not loving her and telling her that. She sent him that letter months after she sent me that letter. Probably not realizing he wasn't coming back to that job. The messed up thing is he tried to get rid of her and treated her like crap and she was afraid of him,but still continueded to try and get him back. If your the other woman I don't feel sorry for you at all.
I.think the other deserves no sympathy. In my case she is a married colleague of my husband.They continued relationship even after I found out.She tried to disturb me by messaging me she would get my daughter raped.Recently I complained to husbands boss about it. That stopped their secret meetings.I wish I had done this earlier.