Love Letters

image by haiku_loves_yuri1

Dear M,

My ears ring with the sound of my heartbeat as I watch for you on the escalator. I’m so terrified that I’ll miss you if I blink, what if I’m making a mistake and you don’t like me, what if I mess up, what if you get here and look at me and change your mind, what if, what if.. I hear the announcement that your plane is late so I sit and close my eyes a moment to slow my racing heart.

Thoughts of you started running through my mind, teasing me, torturing me, making me smile. I remember driving for hours while thoughts of you bounced around in my head. I loved the way you talked to me; there was something about you from that first moment, something instant and real from that very first moment. I wonder what you were thinking when you wrote to me, when you told me that you weren’t who I thought you to be, were you thinking that I would run away, did you maybe want me to? I remember very well how I felt when I read that letter. I was sitting at my desk so happy to have a letter from you, I read them slowly you know, I like to absorb every word and I remember my hand going to my mouth, I remember reading it again and again and I remember smiling. I was confused at why I was doing that but put it off, I liked talking to you too much to even think about stopping.

My dreams for the next few weeks were different and I had a hard time remembering them. Then one day during this time you called me, I heard the sweet sound of your voice and my heart flipped inside me. I held the phone away from my mouth so you wouldn’t hear how hard I was breathing, it felt like there just wasn’t enough air, and after we talked I even went to check the thermostat to see if it was turned up too high. I remember driving along the road and pulling over because I couldn’t see through my tears, my hands were shaking, but there I was again, I was smiling. Someone will surely come along and think I’m crazy, but I couldn’t help it, I had just realized that I was in love with you. Somehow you seem to read me and know what I’m thinking…you asked me that night, did I love you..how could you know I was feeling that, how do you see inside me that way?

We started planning this meeting, the one I’m waiting so anxiously to begin right now, not too long after that night. You talked to me often, there wasn’t a day that we didn’t have contact and I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you, this young, seductive woman from Chicago. I told you often of my worries, my fears and you kept pushing them away, telling me not to worry, and finally telling me that if I didn’t stop, you couldn’t meet me and that pushed the right button for me and I knew I had to meet you, I had to find out if this was real.

I’m up again, pacing and watching the people flow down in little groups, it’s noisy and I’m frightened and then I look up once more to see you smiling at me as you come down to me and the noise is gone, my fear is gone there is nothing but you moving ever closer to me. We hugged and I felt it, we shared a small kiss and I felt it, we got your bag and your body was next to mine, your hand found mine and I felt it. The cab ride over was a torture. You held my hand and I could almost see the blue sparks that I was feeling where ever your skin touched mine. Did you see how nervous I was, did you feel how my heart was racing? How I ached to feel your kiss, and then I did.

When your mouth pressed against mine and I felt your tongue move past my lips to find mine I felt like I was drinking liquid ecstasy, it poured down my throat and surrounded my heart. I looked into your eyes and I was captured in their depth. So many feelings happened that night, so much pleasure, but I remember most when you first lay on top of me, kissing me with such passion, your soft body pressing against mine, your hips moving over mine and I kept thinking why didn’t someone tell me, why didn’t I know it could feel like this. When your mouth moved over my breasts, across my stomach and finally down between my legs my whole world changed. I keep watching you, taking mental pictures of our bodies together; I didn’t want to forget anything, not one second. I’d grin at the thoughts I’d been having, that I wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm, because I honestly thought something was wrong with me, it had to be my fault – didn’t it? But wow, I never felt anything like this before. I couldn’t count and say I had this many or that many orgasms with you because before I could come down from one another was building up. I was in constant amazement the entire time. We eventually went out for food and I loved that you held my hand, I loved walking with you while your arm was around me, I loved every moment I had with you. I tried to capture everything in my mind, because I knew it would never be as good again. I figured it was because it was all so new to me, see I was justifying things in my mind even then.

Things changed for me after that, I knew I could no longer live the life I was living, but I didn’t truly know how you felt about us, about our future. I knew that you had stirred something deep inside my soul and I needed to reach inside myself and touch what was in there, to find me. We met again, this time in Chicago and I found myself opening up to you even more. Being with you felt so natural, so good, and so familiar. I was wrong before, about it never being as good as it had been that time. This time was electric, I didn’t come to you afraid and uncertain, I came to you with my eyes open, hungry for you and you fed my body and my soul with your love for me. I felt myself responding to your touch instantly, no longer having to be afraid, no longer wanting to be somewhere else, only wanting to be closer, be held tighter. When those thoughts entered my mind, when I needed to be really held, you held me tighter, you just knew what I needed. My heart was swelling, my body filling up with love and passion for you, only for you and I knew I just had to be in your life somehow, someway.

I remember wanting more of you, having such a strong desire to kiss you, to touch you, to explore your soft, sensuous body. I wanted to taste the wetness between your legs and when I finally got up the courage to try I wondered again at my ignorance. I loved the feel of you, the scent of you, the taste of you, I love how your hips move, I love the sounds you make…God how I loved you.

This last time with you was something different for me, I came to you with some fear in my heart again, but not of the unknown, but of losing what I have come to love so very much. When I looked in your eyes, that fear left me once again and I understand now inside that I will always belong to you. There is nothing I wouldn’t give you, nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I know how I love you, I love you completely, I love you from deep inside from my soul. I know now that I was always sad because I couldn’t feel things, it was like I was wrapped up in plastic, I could see and feel, but muffled, unreal. But from the moment you took me in your arms, from the moment your mouth closed over mine, I have been waking up, waking up to your love, to who I am and who I am meant to be. I know things won’t always be easy, I know there will be times when you’ll pull away from me and I’m prepared for that because I know, I know with my whole heart, where I belong. You touched me and I felt it.

My love for you has no end, no beginning, it is complete.

Always,
R

Comments

comments

Comments

6 Responses to “Love Letters”
  1. BWAW says:

    This is beautiful.

  2. Alix says:

    Beautiful…So honest.

  3. highfemme says:

    This is lovely — thanks for sharing it.

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