What’s New With The Ex and I

I admit that I’ve been hesitant to write a follow up about the ex and I for good reason. For one, I had absolutely no idea where to begin. Secondly, I didn’t want to come off like some disillusioned ex stuck on mourning the loss of that which was never mine to begin with; my ex-girlfriend’s lesbian identity.

So…

Let’s just say, things are a bit complicated, but I cherish our friendship as I always have. We share a bond that I have been reluctant to recognize as potentially damaging to my current relationship because of fact that I am extremely open about everything that goes on between us. We’ve been talking on the phone a lot lately and in doing so I could tell my baby was becoming annoyed, albeit understanding that something was in the air, but still, slightly annoyed. To be honest, so was I. My ex was calling a lot and nonetheless, I knew something was wrong although she wasn’t ready to tell me what, but my impatience was growing. I asked about her relationship with D to find out how things had been progressing. She’d give generic replies, not really saying much, but I could sense an underlying sadness that I equated to her new bout of “loving pains”.

What I do know is she hasn’t struggled with trying to find her place in the LGBT community like I thought she would. When she initially told me that she had begun dating a guy, I was surprised, but it’s not something we talk about in depth anymore because so many other things have happened since January. In her mind, she feels like she belongs, she still wants to belong to the LGBT community. It’s not my place to push anyone to identify as something just because it would make me feel more comfortable. I’m comfortable with my own identity so I dug deep to find acceptance of hers, even if she doesn’t know what it is yet. When it comes right down to it, it’s a very private and personal matter, and she is the only person allowed to define who she is.

No doubt, living hundreds of miles apart helps us more than it hurts, but being an open book has its advantages and disadvantages.

My girlfriend caught on long before my ex told me. She made a few comments to its effect on more than one occasion, but I never paid her any mind because I figure “she see me talkin’, she hatin’ – eye rollin’ – she tryin’ to catch me talkin’ dirty. Yeah… not happenin’ babe. However, my girl’s suspicions caused me to take pause and straight out ask my ex what was really going on. Things she should have been discussing with her man, she was discussing with me. I wasn’t comfortable with it any more, I knew it was becoming a problem and I wanted answers. What she told me about knocked my socks off, even though I wasn’t wearing any.

What the fuck! How could she allow herself to get pregnant so early on in the relationship?

I’m barely used to saying let alone thinking that she is pregnant. And don’t tell me you saw it coming too! I am sick to death of everyone who says they saw it coming from a mile away. Cause… Really? I wish I had seen it coming too. Matter of fact, all the Ms. Cleo’s in my world proclaiming to have already known some shit should not have let me to be the last to know.

She told me she missed her last menstrual cycle and began to cry softly. We sat on the phone in silence like that for a few minutes at least. My silence was because I was unable to utter an intelligible word for fear that the shock, awe, and disbelief registered on my face would catapult itself through the phone. She was sobbing. I will say that it made me feel a lot better, as crazy as it sounds, knowing that my mom was equally as shocked. Finally, I sat my “all-knowing” girlfriend down for a long talk and after confirming her suspicions she did something I didn’t expect, and comforted me. I asked her why and she told me she knew that I was affected by the news. Not negatively, mind you, but strongly affected in some capacity.

You see, my ex and I seriously discussed having children when we were together. We were both in school, working, and making the best of our young lives. We had dreams, goals, and aspirations for our family, our future, and ourselves together. We got a taste of parenting when we took care of her sister’s kids for a while, and with that we understood the steep responsibility that went into raising children. Career first, children second. That was the plan.

I had always dated older women, but she was one of the rare ones around my age that I swiftly pursued. We established a very serious relationship during our early to mid twenties. We were bright, smart, educated and in touch with multiple cultures and generations. We had what all of our friends wanted. Despite what I viewed as well-meaning immaturity, our discussions about life, goals, children and family were meaningful and nothing could sway our resolve at doing our best to attain all of the above. When our relationship ended, we foolishly made promises that I often wonder if I’ll ever be called upon to live up to over the next 18 years.

If there’s one thing I have learned over the years, it is that there is no absolute right or wrong way, right or wrong time to have a child. Sometimes it just happens. “Wham, bam, forgot to wear a condom, damn.”

From the moment I confirmed the pregnancy my girlfriend worried that the baby’s father would decide not to stick around. I was way more hopeful, giving him the benefit of the doubt because, after all, why wouldn’t he stick around? What reason would he have not to stick around and take responsibility for his and her actions? In the mean time, my ex was beating herself up for not taking the necessary steps to prevent pregnancy. Hence the fury of depressing phone calls I’d been receiving going on a month.

Finding out about the pregnancy was a relief, but it accompanied such sadness for my ex. I’ve done my best to encourage her to lift her spirits, but it’s been difficult because D hasn’t been supportive at all. I don’t understand why his first thought was to ask her to have an abortion. She may be pro-choice, but that extends to other women only. But just the fact that not only was it his first thought, but he went on to suggest it on multiple occasions.  He feels as though he has no control of the situation, and he’s right, but is it really all that unexpected? Doubtful. That she would up and have an abortion just because he doesn’t want the responsibility is absurd, but apparently this kind of thinking is more normal than not.

I stayed unbiased despite my personal feelings about his reaction to the pregnancy. I knew that abortion was out of the question. One of her guy friends has basically been saying everything I feel the need to say about D, so I don’t have to play the bad guy. I encourage her to keep an open mind, insisting that one of these days his ass will come around. The reason I remain optimistic despite the strain is because they are connected to each other for the rest of their lives whether the relationship makes it or breaks it. If that isn’t reason enough to force yourself to change your thinking, I don’t know what is.

I’m just doing my best to be supportive. My girlfriend has done the same, which helps to keep me grounded about the situation. I aim to not get too involved, or allow my space to become over run by my ex’s emotional state of mind, which is bound to intensify in the coming months. I don’t want to become emotionally available in a way that could prove detrimental to my girl and I.

I have a feeling that the more I make myself assessable, the more she will utilize that accessibility. This could be good or it could be bad, but it depends entirely on the situation.

This is my girlfriend’s greatest fear. I understand, but the only assurances are that whatever happens, we do it together. When it comes to children, I do not believe adults’ emotions should ever trump doing what’s in the best interest of a child.

For now, she’s going to give him a month to turn his attitude around. The rude and negative comments have lessened. I can tell she cares for him and it’s why I encourage her to be strong, but to not shut him out. I’m hoping they reconcile within the next few months and come to terms with the situation. She is settling into another new phase of her life while growing new life inside her womb. Despite the fucked up nature of the situation, having a child is an amazing, life changing episode. However, raising a child alone is a terrifying thought. And if it isn’t, it should be. So she’s going to stand by her guy, from a distance, until he’s ready to take the reigns and act like a man’s supposed to. For the sake of mommy-to-be and baby boo, he damn well better. If he doesn’t, that spells trouble for my ex.

Reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, ‘Que Sera Sera’ by Doris Day.

“When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.”

Comments

comments

Comments

4 Responses to “What’s New With The Ex and I”
  1. della says:

    Wow, intense stuff. Too bad nobody called Ms. Cleo…

  2. Knowledge says:

    Seriously…

  3. Mellogyrl says:

    Knowledge, being available to listen and provide support is good, but be careful not to take on a role that is not yours!! Let the situation dictate so to speak your availability for discussion advice etc.!
    Helping is all well and good once doing so doesn't affect your current relationship!!!

    I honestly hope he will come around & be there for her and the child so she wouldn't have to go through the process alone & stressed!!!
    .-= Mellogyrl´s last blog ..There for you… =-.

    • Knowledge says:

      Thanks for the good, solid advice. This is a very unique situation for everyone involved, but all I can do is make the best decision that I feel will ultimately benefit my relationship, without sacrificing my own inner peace of mind because at the end of the day, that’s what truly counts.

      Thanks for your insight, Mello. 🙂

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