Age Differences In Lesbian Relationships

ellenportiaMay-December relationships describe the romantic coupling where one person is significantly older than the other. I have always been fascinated with women who were older than me. When I was first discovered my sexuality and my only outlet for dating was the Internet, I managed to meet an older woman who later become my first girlfriend. It wasn’t until my early to mid-twenties that I started dating younger women, but I’d always revert back to dating older women. I had pre-conceived beliefs based on my own experiences and they revolved around my comfort factor with older women which was far more pronounced than what I’d experienced with younger girls. I also thought that my chances of having something real and lasting with an older attractive woman was higher than with the young hot girl who sat next to me in lecture hall. I didn’t know any better, but that thought process didn’t exactly turn out to be false, at least in my case.
I couldn’t relate to girls my age and I was so used to always being the youngest in my environment so it was a natural progression. There are many different reasons why we’re attracted to people much younger or much older than us and all of those reasons are completely normal for the most part. I learned to deal with reacting to people who’d try to invalidate those reasons.
The more mature the woman, the better the chance for stability, patience, and understanding during the relationship, which was what I grew accustomed to. You see, maturity is only as relative to age as we allow it to be, but we have to be honest and understand that with the experience of life comes a certain maturity that is closely and undeniable related to age. But, of course that was my own preconceived notion and it wasn’t the only thing that made them more attractive to me. Older women exuded far more sensuality, confidence, and they were generally more comfortable with themselves and who they were.
Dating them has always been a wildly sexual and emotional ride for me. Conversation is never dull and learning our different perspective on things is always interesting. The learning curve is separated primarily by different life experiences.
They are masters at dropping subtle seductive hints when they find themselves attracted to you long before they tell you out loud how they feel. Those juicy verbal declarations are what I lived for. I recall my first girlfriend who was 17 years older than I and at my tender age of 17 she had successfully wooed me hook, line, and sinker. I took the bait. She flew to Chicago for the day and I met her at the airport. We went to Borders for coffee and conversation and I remember ordering a hot chocolate. She was gorgeous, with a small frame, dark hair and light eyes and didn’t look a day over 25. I couldn’t help glancing at her, examining every inch of her while she wasn’t looking, staring into her eyes whenever the opportunity arose and feeling the tingling mixed with the butterflies in my stomach. Just being near her was exhilarating and I distinctly remember how she’d reciprocate my looks with a confidence that exuded sensuality.  
I remember spending the entire day with her downtown, eating, shopping and holding hands everywhere we went. I remember a man walking down the street next to us proceeding to make conversation of a sexual nature. When we ignored him he asked my soon to be girlfriend if she was my mother. Yikes! Seeing as she was Italian and I Black the question made absolutely no sense, but she later explained that he could see right through us and knew very well that we were May-December lesbian lovers. His jealously flavored contempt when we politely asked him to leave us alone was noticeable even to me by then. We made out like schoolgirls in the airport bathroom until it was time to board her flight home. I groaned at the prospect of not being able to smell her perfume or kiss her soft red painted lips that mine enveloped each time we kissed, until the next time we’d meet. I felt more alive in those few hours than I’d ever felt. And so we began.

Although she eventually broke my heart, I would go on to date older women well into my twenties. They are exciting, daring, intuitive, sexy and seductive and know exactly what they want and how to get it. If you wonder what you’d have to offer an age-gapped relationship due to the age difference, if you remember the old adage that sugar and spice make everything nice, you should take heed. It’s true and that should be the very least of your concerns if the attraction is stark and unmistakable. Just like with any relationship, these relationships can and do work. There will be differences to overcome, but once you are able to find what makes the both of you tick, those differences become minor and trivial.

Some of the keys to making a May-December relationship work are to take full advantage of open communication so that you can develop trust in your partner and confidence within each other. You should be comfortable being yourself and wary or losing your individuality. After all, it’s one of the things that attracted you to each other in the first place.

The biggest challenge I’ve faced is family acceptance. There have even been times when my mom has insinuated that I’m attempting to replace her motherly role because I prefer older women, but there’s no need to react defensively to such a thing. I’ve replied in the past saying that it’s entirely normal to want to go out into the world and date and eventually marry (?) someone whose personality and characteristics resemble that of ones mother. That always does the trick, but the sooner you’re okay with the age difference the sooner you will start demanding your respect by demonstrating that the relationship the relationship with or without your family’s blessing. Dealing with ageism and homophobia at the same time can be an extremely tough burden to bear, but with strength and confidence in your relationship and yourself it can be completely overcome. 

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29 Comments

  • At 2009.05.01 06:48, AJ the DJ said:

    "Some of the keys to making a May-December relationship work are to take full advantage of open communication so that you can develop trust in your partner and confidence within each other. " The permanence in this statement is strikingly authentic. But let me ask something, would it make any sense to even try and keep the door of communication open if you observe that the person seems to be easily distraced to the "next best thing?" I know the question slides on the surface of rhetorical ice, but I wonder if anyone will be able to see where I am coming from. If not, ask me and I will be extensive in response…I just don't want to write a book..lol.

    • At 2010.03.17 10:41, K a v v y Chambers said:

      Hey, like your comment so i decided to speak on what's on my mind, i am in my first lesbian relationship & there's just some things i don't get about this whole thing. I love her, but sometimes i wonder what the hell am i doing??? I'm just trying to find some answers. Or understand what the hell i've gotten myself into…I.D.K?????

    • At 2009.05.01 07:36, Knowledge said:

      Aj, I honestly think that during the course of any relationship you get a distinct feeling of whether or not the other person has eyes only for you. Plus, if you can observe this behavior in the beginning, that's even more telling. You can either choose to ignore it or address it right away and save yourself the wasted time and energy. If you aren't able to gather that from the other person through direct communication, maybe it's time to cut your losses? Now, i could be completely off from what you're referring to so please feel free to write as much as you need to get your point across. Sky's the limit here.

      • At 2009.05.01 09:36, AJ the DJ said:

        You've hit bull's eye…right on target. You know how sometimes you just feel like you shouldn't give up that easily? I think that's what cost me alot in the long run, because I would see red flags and continue to deal with the person. I've taken it as trial and error, for experience is the greatest teacher. Thanks for your insight, and very good entry. Well done.

        PS: And thanks for correcting my errors.

      • At 2009.05.01 09:40, Nina said:

        I've had my share of these types of relationships. Usually always been attracted to someone older, usually less wild than me. Brutal honesty was a definite requirement to maintain a May-December. I just could never make it last. Maybe it was me. Who knows.

        • At 2009.05.01 13:22, Alix said:

          I do the opposite. I tend to always date younger. Possibly because I could very easily pass for 15 years younger than I am, that is what I usually attract. I do like the energy of a younger woman, however, I cannot date them so young that I feel as though I have to teach them things. Things of a sexual nature and things about life…

          • At 2009.05.01 13:45, Knowledge said:

            Apparently that's how my first girlfriend started to feel. There were so many things I didn't know and she was already so mixed up in her ownself and her own life and experiences.

          • At 2009.05.01 13:56, LaurynX said:

            I've always been one for dating people my own age. More than 3 or 4 years up (can't go down cause then I'd be put in jail, lol) always weirded me out. I was talkin to this one person and I was 19 at the time. They told me they were 24 and I flipped out!! lol.
            I like relating to people my age…I don't wanna feel like I have a parent in a relationship…and them reminiscing on good old days I wasn't around for, lol. I think older women would also make me feel inadequate in terms of experience, etc. Lately though I've been attracted to older women mainly cause they look 22 but are actually 30…throws me off.

            • At 2009.05.01 14:21, Knowledge said:

              LOL@reminiscing! Umm, the only reminiscing is usually in the bedroom when being shown the good old "ways" and that gets absolutely no complaint from me. But I do feel you on the inadequacy. It can present a major conflict. I was always around people older than me so I never felt that to the point of it being a turn off.

              • At 2009.05.01 15:18, LaurynX said:

                I don't think I find the inadequacy thing to the point of being turned off. Hardly…haha. I'm confident in what I can bring, but at the same time I think "Why me? I'm only 21."

              • At 2009.05.01 16:06, Knowledge said:

                "Why me? I’m only 21.” I hear that. My sister will be 20 this year so I think I have a good idea of where you're coming from.

                • At 2009.05.04 03:14, SteadyCat said:

                  When I was younger, I dated older women. As I became older, I started dating younger women. I prefer them younger because women my age sometimes start acting a bit too fuddy duddy and I still like them flexible and open for new adventures. But, I do have age limits. I won't date women unless they are in there 30s or older. Why? Lack of life experiences. I do make exceptions if the woman is exceptional, but rarely. I once dated someone that was 16 years younger and found it was like dating a teenager instead of a woman. Not good. Since then, I have had younger women attracted to me and it would have been a very good experience for both (I'm sure), but I can't seem to stop putting my foot in my mouth about the age thang. Thats because I don't want to feel that I'm some dirty old lady again. :-(

                  • At 2009.05.04 06:55, reciprocity81 said:

                    I don't know…I personally am not much into dating down, and will only date up 5 years or less. I'm in my late 20's now and find that I have absolutely nothing in common with young twenty somethings and definitely not teens (sorry Knowledge). I feel that a woman or man that prefers to date someone significantly younger than themselves is lacking somewhere. It might be in their maturity level or even what they have accomplished (or not accomplished) in life. I don't think there is anything sexy about dating a woman in her late 30's to 40's or beyond, especially since my mother is only 16 years older than myself. For me it would be a weird situation, and I definitely don't want anyone discounting my life experience which has been vast despite my almost 28 years, just because they have lived longer. Just my $.02.

                    • At 2009.05.15 17:46, TheGoldenGoddeess said:

                      I came out late in life to find that younger women are usually attracted to me, although women in my generation also find me appealing as well. I’ve had to hurdle the belief that something was wrong with women in their 20’s and 30’s and early 40’s taking second glances at me. Sometimes I wondered if it was my petite frame or bubbly personality. Whatever…I’ve learned to be confortable with myself and accepting of others, although I try not to view all such more youthful possibilities with a standard posture of “You know how it’s going to turn out—teacher/student/good-bye!” considering I am perrennially youthful at heart!
                      Besos y bendiciones,

                      • At 2009.08.11 17:41, Serenity said:

                        I like this. I have always felt more comfortable with an older crowd and dating a woman older than me just seems to make sense. I find that people around my age (22) are generally into partying and clubs, while I, definitely, am not. I think in my head, age equals more maturity, more settled, more experiences, more stable. More, more, more than a woman my age. But, I know that is not always the case; there are certainly some older women who do not have it all together and there are some younger women who are wise far beyond their years. But, I can't seem to get over that in my head. *shrug* I also seem to attract older women. I don't know why, they always tell me I look 16 lol

                        • At 2009.08.12 04:14, knowledge said:

                          Serenity, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I especially like that it's from the point of view of a woman in her younger twenties. You're dead on with your comments regarding age and maturity and how they usually coincide. There are, of course always going to be obvious exceptions to the rule, but on the whole when your mind is already beyond a certain threshold as it relates to maturity and sex there should be no fear in exploring options that may seem outside the box. :)

                        • At 2009.12.09 21:00, Kamila said:

                          I am actually in a interesting situation right now. The women I like is older then me by five years, but it really won’t be a big deal in three months when i turn 21. I am a little considered about here age but more because she already has her degree and headed off in life. I am a poor college student with big dreams. Then I found out she” only been out for a year and has never had a girl friend, which makes me uncomfortable I have never been closeted and for the last couple years had leadership roles in the lgbt community

                          • At 2009.12.11 23:44, Knowledge said:

                            Kamila, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I wanted to be sure to respond to you because you raise such an interesting point regarding your situation. From the little I know, it seems that the “out” differences have a greater impact than the “age” difference. It’s a difficult situation to be sure, because once you’re out, there’s usually no wanting to go back into the closet. And you shouldn’t have to anyway. I hope everything works out for the best. All you can really do is keep your head and your heart open and above all, trust yourself, and trust your instincts.

                          • At 2011.07.16 02:06, Pammie said:

                            I am 19 and in a relationship with a woman 51. we have been serious with each other for several months now too. But, not only do we have a big difference in age, I am white and she is black. We met on line, started as friends and then fell in love. We each bring something to the relationship. she gives me stability and I have made her more adventurous. We have decided to become domestic partners and she wants me to finish getting my degree. we have had our ups and downs but what relationship doesn't?

                            I have always been attracted to women that are older but, no more than 10 years. I am hopelessly in love with her. She is more cautious though and worries about 10 years from now or 20 years from now. Will I still find her attractive when she is 60 or 70 and I am 30 or 40? I don't know. But, we are giving it a try.

                            I do dread when she meets my parents though. lol

                            • At 2011.12.19 21:10, Bad Kitty said:

                              Welllll, I am 52 and hopelessly in love with a 31 year old. We have flirted cautiously and I have caught her eyeing me whe she thinks I don't see her. I'm not quite sure how to handle it, but I AM sure that I am in love with her. I'm not so sure I will ever tell her as I don't want her to think I'm an old perv. Truthfully, I would be happy to just take it real slow to see if there's a chance it could work. I'm sure she is just as wary as I am, but we are so attracted to each other, it's hard to describe the electricity. Cross your fingers for me pleeeeze :) …I have never been a patient person and it's killin' me!

                              • At 2011.12.20 21:35, ashkar said:

                                the girl im with is confused and i know i'm a lesbian and she wants to date but shes worried she'll be useing me and not dateing me becouse she likes me. but with her saying that, dosent it mean she wouldnt be.

                                • At 2012.01.10 01:21, Corrine Mechell said:

                                  im 20 and my soon to be wife is 49.

                                  woop woop. <3 shes amaaaazing.
                                  i love her. gooooo girrrrrl….
                                  we have the same issues though.
                                  but i guess in time we'll see what happens.

                                  • At 2012.04.23 09:34, Itty bitty kitty said:

                                    I would venture to guess you need not worry about her thinking of you as 'an old perv' because if she flirts with you, checks you out and makes it known the attraction is mutual, she's just as interested. Also, she is probably just as frustrated as you…maybe afraid to make the first move herself…would be a shame if you didn't tell her how you felt and you both missed out on something that has the potential to be fun and, most importantly, meaningful…

                                    You never know – you only live once! You might wind up being surprised too…she might decide to finally make the first move. While it is hard to be patient, sometimes it is WELL worth the wait.

                                    • At 2012.05.20 15:12, hotmama said:

                                      I'd really like to know more details about that. I'm an older woman dating a younger woman. What I love about being with her is that I've never been with ANYONE who gets as much attention as I do when we go out. So it works out perfectly. She is super hot and even with me being 16 years older than her, I still get hit on plenty – by both men and women. BUT, as I'm older and no longer about playing games, I can cut shit down before it goes anywhere. I can see, though, that she "entertains" more than I would like her to. Almost like she is looking for the 'next best thing'. I'm not an overly insecure woman and am not about to get too bend out of shape about it. I enjoy her immensely and love having her in my life but if she sees that there is something better out there, I wish her the best. But tell me your take. Sorry about my mini-novel response:)

                                      • At 2012.05.30 09:14, Itty bitty kitty 2.0 said:

                                        If nothing has happened, I think you should both go for it – take a chance! You both deserve to at least see if it will work…nothing worse than being frustrated because neither of you will take the first step…the interest and chemistry are there…now doing something about it!

                                        • At 2012.07.26 02:57, Leaping Lesbian said:

                                          Yes be very careful of the leaping lesbians "so true" ,sounds like you might catch it one day! :-)

                                          What a silly thing to write on a site like this, can t believe you did that!

                                          • At 2012.11.28 02:50, alex said:

                                            I'm in a similar situation.

                                            I'm 20 (turning 21 in a few weeks) and I'm extremely attracted to an older woman I see that works nearby me. People usually describe me as an "old soul" and I don't typically get along with people my age. I would say she's in either her late 30s to mid-40s. I've talked to her a few times) (mostly just saying "hi" or "how's it going?" but lately I've been getting really nervous around her and can't look her in the eyes. I also don't know if she's a lesbian. My "gaydar" completely sucks when it comes to women. The physical traits that make me think she could be a lesbian is her short hair, her semi-punkish style, and she has some masculine tendencies. I have also noticed that she sometimes goes out of her way to cross paths with me (it could be my imagination, but I swear she has done this multiple times). I don't know if I should approach her and strike up a conversation (which might be weird because we've never had one) or if I should just ignore how I feel. The downside is that I have a girlfriend and we've been together for 4 years. My girlfriend is a sweet and kind person, but I feel unfulfilled. I've always been attracted to older women. I feel horrible for having these feelings for a woman that I've never had a full conversation with, knowing that my girlfriend would consider this "cheating". But I can't help how I feel. I'm so confused. Am I a bad person?

                                            I am in need of some advice, what should I do?

                                            • At 2012.12.05 08:05, stragner said:

                                              Well this is from someone in their mid 20's who is dating someone in the mid 30's… an older woman may find some things cute, but in general she likes someone who knows what to do. She doesn't want a kid who still lives at home with mom, she done already raised her kids and doesn't want to raise you, and she sure as heck doesn't want her friends asking if you're one of her kids friends. My girlfriends friends think I am in my late 20's if not the same age as them because of how I act. Confidence works wonders, and if you got too many questions (what if's) you're already out of your league. If you want to try your luck, I'd try to have a convo with her in which you can both relate. Find out if she has kids, how she got to her position, you know safe stuff (no politics or religion please lol). As for your girlfriend, the harsh answer is to dump her and be upfront. You been together for a while, you probably love her or at least care, but stop wasting each others times. You've changed, she's probably changed and you are both still young. You're not a bad person, and you def. don't have to take my advice… but I wouldn't doubt if it's something that you been wanting to do for a while.

                                              • At 2014.07.07 05:16, LoverofLovingLove said:

                                                I'm in a relationship with a woman 22 years older than me & to be quite honest I have never felt more alive and happy in love. I feel totally safe and like I can completely trust her. I've always dated older woman, but this is the most of an age gap that I've ever had. I only regret not going there sooner! Sometimes it's like older women have issues taking someone my age serious & I totally know why because I feel the same way about people my age. I've always been mature for my age and had many good friends that were so many years older than me. My sister says I have "mommy issues" & I really don't care if I do! LOL! My gf teases me and says "that's ok, I'll be your mommy!" Hahahaha it's so funny I love it! I love that she is comfortable enough about it to actually play along. Sometimes when we go out, people will say things like "is that your moms card?" and we just laugh together about it! It is awkward but we r just so in love that it doesn't even matter. Truth be told, no one wants someone that doesn't have it together or that u have to take care of, that's where the age gap does matter. I'm 22, I work full time, my own place, my own car & I'm the guardian for my teenage brother. Funny thing is my gf is 44 and lives with her parents still while saving for her house. She's an accountant and very respectable so that temporary situation doesn't bother me, I'm sure she will figure it out. Plus, that makes it much easier for her to come stay with me since we live about 2&1/2 hrs apart. I drive about 4 hrs daily during the week at my job, so driving on the weekends too isn't that appealing to me, I think she understands that completely. Now try that with a younger girl and she will probably bite your head off or just end it all together. I am nervous about her meeting my parents seeing that she is older than my mom & stepmom, but not so much my siblings since the ones she has met so far, really like her. Oh gosh now I'm Rambling! Just be happy, age doesn't determine happiness or love!

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