With My Eyes Wide Shut

eyesclosedThe other woman and the girlfriend have one major thing in common in common when it comes to lesbian affairs. A woman who is lying to them both. Not only are affairs addictive, the lying becomes so commonplace that after a while it’s almost second nature. You begin to comfortably do or say whatever is necessary to maintain the existence you’ve laid out. When I began my affair with my other woman it was exciting, challenging, and I looked forward to the secretive prospect that each new day would bring. People often give social networking sites a bad rap due to the fact that using these services for “no good” can be relationship killers. And it’s true.

I met her through Downelink back when it wasn’t owned by Logo. It was a relatively small community with a rapidly growing minority gay population. I joined with the explicit purpose of networking. I recall the day she sent me a friend request, thinking she was just another young woman sending me a friend request just because that’s what they seemed to do and what I’ve gotten used to by then. I was not interested in any of the young girls or young women my age. She was gorgeous, but so is my girlfriend so I didn’t think twice about her looks beyond recognizing that she was an attractive woman. It wasn’t until a week or more later that I actually read her page and discovered that not only was she not the “young” woman I thought she was, but she was 10 years older than me. It makes me sick to think of my reaction now, but I was happy, I smiled inside and out. It’s now one of my “what the fuck” moments. I made a conscience decision not to relay the fact that I had a girlfriend to her and I also decided to start conversing with her immediately. The innocent conversation gradually increased to flirtation, which I’m very good at, so once I got going I knew it wasn’t going to stop unless she stopped.

One thing to note, and I’m reiterating, is that while in my very first relationship I was the other woman. I never thought twice about what I was doing and how wrong and hurtful it must have been to my girlfriend’s husband who may or may not have known about  us. She later divorced him, but she carried on affairs with other women long after her and I split. But only later did I recognize how my actions could have affected others. I was in love and lust and I was willing to risk everything to keep my first in my life. Having an affair can feel oddly liberating, intentionally thrilling, challenging and dangerously fun all at once. Until the fun is over and your sloppily arranged deck of cards comes crashing down.

I remember the first “oh fuck” incident when I logged onto my e-mail account and saw a reply message from my other woman. But she wasn’t replying to a message that I’d sent. It was a message that my girlfriend sent her from my inbox. I was immediately livid; selfishly uncaring about the emails and letters my girlfriend must have read and gone through before deciding to send her a message. Instead, I focused on the fact that she had enough nerve to violate my trust. The mother fucking nerve of me. As I’ve alluded to before, affairs happen for any number of reasons. Lack of commitment, wanting to leave, curious about just how green the grass is on the other side, feeling insecure, unhappy in ones current relationship, lack of self control and so on.

And then there are my reasons for cheating. In my mind, I knew it was wrong just from the reactions it created in women who suspected I’d cheated on them in the past, ones who never caught me in or out of the act. However, it was what I was comfortable with and what I was used to. I used to feel entirely incomplete if I didn’t have at the very least, 2 women in my life. I finally got around to understanding that the other women in my life were always my protection, my shield from heart ache and heart break even though it often came with a price we’d both pay. I was dangerously careless.

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Comments

11 Responses to “With My Eyes Wide Shut”
  1. Glennisha Morgan says:

    This was definitely a good read. All actions affect somebody and have consequences.

  2. Nina says:

    Wow. Nice confessional. So, do you think if the opportunity ever presented itself for you to have 2 again, could you resist the temptation of the cat-n-mouse play?

  3. AJ the DJ says:

    This so true. At the beginning of an affair..the adrenaline of love is amidst all things, until you have become blinded by the emotional needs of who you are cheating on. Then upon that, the claws of guilt encompasses your mind, so then you do a few "sweet things" for your partner to keep the guilt supressed. Like you I was "dangerously careless." However, in a bitter-sweet format, I am glad that I was able to grow and learn from it all. This is why I really need to find a woman who knows what exactly she wants and doesn't lust after others…this will only take me back to square one.

  4. Tami says:

    i am so ultra sensitive to this issue that any comment i make would come from where i have been.
    all i can say is cheating is not something i could get over easily. it is a breach of confidence, trust, respect and love. what i have never understood is how can someone proclaim to love a person and then cheat on them. if someone else is so much better then break up with the other person and go with the new chick. it's just not fair…

  5. LaurynX says:

    I have no experience in this department, but I'll say this was a good post. It seems like people always ask why do others cheat…and really there is no one reason.

  6. Knowledge says:

    Although there are many reasons and opportunities, there is never ever a good one to cheat. The times I did were not one night stands, they were long-term affairs that took a lot of life from me and caused a lot of pain to my girlfriends. I took love from them and gave it to someone else. That was completely unfair to everyone. I've grown considerably. My woman and my relationship deserved better.

  7. Knowledge says:

    That's where the addiction comes in. The never-ending adrenaline rush is really due to the fact that you're doing something you aren't supposed to be doing and any feelings you might have for the other woman are heightened by a false sense of purpose. And you are right on about being blinded by the emotional needs, the guilt, the scraps you throw your partner to unburden yourself and appease them. I feel you on needing to find a woman who knows exactly what she wants. I have been so undeservedly blessed. She's out there… waiting for you. Let her come.

  8. Knowledge says:

    I hope you never have experience in this department, Lauryn. It's not a good place to be in at the end of the day.

  9. Knowledge says:

    Tami, I understand your pain and I can say you are absolutely right in that it is not fair what happened to you. To answer your question about how you can proclaim one thing one minute and cheat on your partner the next. Justification, lying to yourself, blocking out your conscience, pushing the hurt I knew I'd inflict on my girl out of my mind and only living from one moment to the next. It's a emotional game you play not only with yourself, but everyone involved.

  10. Alix says:

    You are giving me flashbacks from having been the other woman and being the girlfriend. I can relate to so many of the things you've said. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing…

  11. Glennisha Morgan says:

    I too have no experience in this department. I was reading Knowledge's comments about the adrenaline rush. That I can't understand. I mean I guess I do but, I can't imagine hurting someone that I love to get a rush. I've been accused of cheating before when I wasn't and that feeling is just so eirry (sp) and so not a good feeling. I don't think I could get a rush out of cheating…. After, reading your post I've seen another side of the spectrum.

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