On Ending The Affair

Intense emotional affairs are the hardest to end. Believing and acknowledging that you are in love with your affair partner can be a repelling thought and one that is difficult to digest when contemplating leaving the affair behind. Emotionally severing ties with an individual that impacts your life on a daily level, providing a constant dose of emotional high is, in a word, a heartbreaking occurrence. So just know that if you are serious about ending the affair your heart will be broken, at least for a little while. It will affect the things you do, the people around you, and your relationship with your significant other will be tested more than it’s ever been before because you are faced with the internal and external turmoil that comes with taking responsibility for the fall, especially the aftermath.

As hard as these relationships are to reconcile, the fact is you can gauge its potential by staring it right in the eye and accepting the ugly truth. Whether or not there is a future in the affair hinges on knowing if your affair partner has a future in their current marriage/relationship or if they even want one with you with the knowledge of a previously failed commitment. If they are single things can become more complicated.

I believed I was head over heels in love with my mistress, but also much to content to consider leaving my girlfriend. She was my stability and I wasn’t about to give up a sure thing for something wild, lusty, oddly intense and equally uncertain. There were just too many maybes and what ifs but ultimately I knew better – that leaving stability for uncertainty was no way to end a relationship and begin a new one.

The realization that my mistress was starting to move on, talk to other people romantically, and eventually date was just the jolt I needed. I couldn’t believe the woman I once felt so much for was moving on. But in the end, I realized it was exactly what I needed so that I could begin the tumultuous journey of rational, clear thought devoid of misdirected passion and its disastrous ramifications.

When dealing with instant attraction in affairs, whether physical or emotional, or what many describe as “lust at first sight,” its hard to keep in mind that like attracts like. The law of attraction dictates that our relationships are highly influenced by our expectations, focus, energy, consistency and how we feel. Eventually, you get what you ask for so be careful what you ask for.

Separating wants from needs to get to the root of the addiction and its behavioral manifestations (infidelity) is crucial. You must make yourself believe that to continue the affair will only bring heartache and sorrow because in the end, and it will eventually end, that’s is exactly what you will feel. Sad and heartbroken and only yourself to blame.

One way to address the root of the behavior doesn’t only involve you. It includes your affair partner and your significant other. You must find a way to unincorporate your needs from your affair partners lifestyle but that can only happen if it’s what you truly want. You have to want it without question, practically forcing yourself to do the right thing in the short term to reap the benefits in the long term.

If certain aspects of your relationship with your significant other have become stale and you begin looking elsewhere for intimacy and understanding, then fixing one part without working on the other will create ample opportunity for a blindside. When you’re putting tons of effort into adjusting thinking patterns with little to no adjustment as it relates to physical actions… you’ll end up right back where you started.

Honestly ask yourself if you want to be married or in a committed relationship, because that is the most important question you will need to answer before anything will truly change in your life.

Affairs are addictions and the temptation will always be there. For some, affairs are attempts to escape feelings and circumstances that are uncomfortable or not readily understood, coupled with a lack of desire to properly address the real underlying issue. A person with unresolved issues including past hurts that haven’t healed and/or needs that aren’t being met often escape to indulging in a number of vices. Things that can be deemed as addictive. Affairs are no different. Sometimes the escape is to another person. Addictions, like affairs, are entirely unhealthy.

As the person who has betrayed a significant other or spouse, it is your duty to seek an understanding of your own behavior. To simply concentrate on the behavior without understanding why you’ve done what you’ve done or what led to it it is counter productive. The lies and betrayal are morally wrong and there is no way around that but you’ll need to seek forgiveness from not only the one you betrayed but also yourself. This will come in time.

The road to ending an affair is a long and difficult one. You will grieve and sometimes the period of grief is long and drawn out. So getting your emotions under control is vital to gaining the knowledge and understanding necessary to figure out why you did it and how you can prevent it from happening again.

Comments

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Comments

16 Responses to “On Ending The Affair”
  1. greygirl0808 says:

    A friend of mine is dating her former affair. I can't help but think it can only end in disaster!

    PLBND
    GreyGirl

  2. sunnydelyte21 says:

    Sometimes ending is best….trust I know!

  3. Adrienne says:

    I have been married for almost 10 years. I love my husband and we have three kids but in January of this year I had fling. I call it that because it only happened once, with plans to meet up again but never did. My husband found out right away because he saw my sexts and I confessed. Since then it's been a living hell. We're still together but with a lot of heartache between us. He does know how it feels because he did this to me when we were engaged and I was pregnant. He is having a harder time forgiving me than I did with him. It's been since January that I have talked to this guy I was with and I still find myself thinking about what happened and about him over and over again. I don't understand why. I think part of it is that I'm ten years older than him and the thrill of being with someone younger than me was a high.. Some younger guy thought I was sexy. What is wrong with me that I cannot stop thinking about him?? I want him out of my mind!

  4. BeenThere says:

    I wish i would have seen and read this post and comments before spending 10K on counceling. The article is spot on and is a tremendous help to me.

  5. Guest says:

    I am in the sheer pain of trying to come to terms with my self that this affair has to end. I'm older, she's younger. She thinks in a different language and I can't understand her day to day conversations with her friends.She's married to her business, I'm married to a wife. It has no normal future for either of us. I have never been so sad in my long life. It feels like my heart is actually coming apart. I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time without waking up either insanely jealous or with dreams of how wonderful the future with her could possibly be. I don't think I've ever loved a woman this much. It is more real and more painful than actual combat which i have experienced. I feel as if I can't stand it any longer. I grieve incessantly. But then I have a few moments where the fog of passion clears and I can see how "sick" I am and that doesn't make me happy either. I will persevere and I will get thru this and be healthy again. I hope I am never stupid enough again to do this for a third, that's right….a third , walk through the fires of hell. How can a smart man with multiple degrees and so much life experience fall so far so quickly? It is something for philosophers to ponder for the ages……

  6. Guest says:

    I'm a married woman with children and have been having an affair with a married man for 6 months. It started off emotionally connecting and then sexting but it became physical and we both said it can't ever happen again but it's like you say, it became an addiction. We'd call it off and not contact for a week and then one of us would cave in and we'd end up meeting and having wonderful passionate sex together. Neither of us are having sex or being intimate with our spouses so I know it's a craving of intimacy but I love his mind and we connected intellectually and emotionally too. Last week we finally said goodbye and I know this is it, it's over, as the longer it goes on the harder it will be. But I'm absolutely devastated 🙁 I can't eat I can't sleep, I miss him so much and can't talk to anybody about it. I know it will get easier, it has to, and I know I have to deal with the reason I had a relationship with him in the first place. I feel like my heart is breaking and and trying so hard to not email or text him and trying to get through day by day. I've never felt heartache like this before ;(

  7. Struggle says:

    Wow that's some pretty solid advice. OW here, looking for answers to such a controversial situation. I totally wish I could just go back to the beginning and never had this happen in the first place. No one wins. We all lose. My MM is almost twice my age, so I can relate to the first poster. As for Adrienne, I hear yah girl, I can't get my MM off my mind. Every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of him. The struggle is real.

  8. Whatislove? says:

    You all make me sick. Affairs don't help anyone or anything, they just create pain and a whirlwind of emotions for everyone involved. If you aren't happy in your supposedly committed relationship situation (and maybe have just met someone else whom you feel attracted to), at least have the decency to discuss it with your partner. If your relationship is so bad you can't talk about things with them, have the courage to admit that and seek help together, or apart, or failing that Just leave. Before starting up with another living, breathing human being. It really is very simple. My husband started an affair with a woman at work when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child. She knew from the outset that he was married and expecting a child. This didn't stop her from pursuing him relentlessly, even after she knew that he'd confessed the affair to me. I found out about the affair two days before our child was born, devastated but stood by him for the sake of deep love for him and our family. We have separated and gotten back together multiple times, and over the course of this time I've have watched him turn into an empty shell of himself half trying to recommit to our marriage and raise our child, whilst at the same time lying to me and sneaking around trying to pretend the affair is not ongoing (via correspondence).Things are still unresolved 10 months later and I can honestly say it has brought everyone involved devastating heartache and it is still going on. Our son in 10 months old. What good has an affair honestly brought anyone in this situation? What good does lying to people you supposedly love, and lying to yourself, ever bring? If you are considering getting involved with someone when you or they are not fully available to you, think again. Sort your shit out first, especially when children are involved. Grow up, people!

  9. Whatislove? says:

    By the way, my comments are directed at Lifeasweknowit and the other commenters who are carrying on romanticising about missing their affair partners and Braying about all the wonderful passionate feelings they have in an affair. Just giving some perspective from the point of view of a betrayed spouse, though I can see the other two are hurting also and nothing really good has come of sneaking around, ultimately. This article is actually good advice, if you are unlucky enought to be knee deep already.

  10. LostinATL says:

    I am in agony over my AP. I love her or at least I believe I do. I am still in the affair fog. But the utter longing and constant thought of her has kept me in a dark madness now for weeks, When will this torture end?

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