A Need To Fill

I need to write but I’m unsure of what I’m thinking
Thoughts in disarray and still not in sync
and I hardly understand what I am meant to be feeling
So many emotions to sort through – so many broken links
No fear of being alone – no darkness concealing
No longer afraid of being lonely – unashamed of my feelings
And no emotions to offset
As death came – only tears could feel me
She came undone so damn fast
No time for reflection – no harnessing flashbacks
Her body no longer destined to last
Her destiny cut short and just like that
I am left reeling
Plunging downward spiraling slipping
’til I’m so close to the edge – I’m dipping
Toes and fingers fully extending
’till I’ve falling in
No picking up her daises on the way home from work again
No going back in time
No saving any fucking graces
I write in circles at times getting lost in my own head
In mazes I wonder aimlessly by my own stead
By my own hand, grief un-wholly felt wasted
I gather my mettle anyway
For in shadowed places I find my strength
The people I need most seem to not really understand
They see me smiling, not realizing it is only a mask
Needing to make believe that everything is just peachy
“By George she’s doing fine,” they say but don’t really mean
It helps them sleep better at night I have deemed
Although my nights are filled with tossing and turning
Sounds echo different with only one person discerning
Taking up space in a space made for two at a time
When companion gets ripped from heart thoughts do collide
Though in this lonely state – I’m not completely alone
No need to save face – head no longer screwed on
Loose like marbles – half pack of cigarettes gone
Second hand death is quite an unusual function
One that affects many without overstanding what’s been done
So distinctly understated like free energy from the sun
That certainty we are assured of at our final destination
When the farthest path from the trail we have already based faith on
Is engraved deep within the dance our movements are paced on
Sunk further down while navigating the quick sands of time
Step lightly in death as we are not inclined to reason or rhyme
When body functions threaten to shut down and die
It is fact that time is no longer an opponent
No longer suctioning up life
Time is no longer throwing us
Broken reels cast with invisible lines
I can finally admit without a need to belie
My need to express a loss
My need to fill a voided checkbox
Heavy with thought flowing further upstream
I need you to know this one simple thing
I feel an intense need
…to write
With every breath that leaves me

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