Love Never Dies
Grief is a motherfucker.
It has the tendency to exploit weaknesses, manifested as intense feeling and strong emotion about any and everything. It tends to place these precious vulnerabilities into tiny unkempt boxes, daring you to compartmentalize all that you have been bottling up to that moment. Boxed in like a baby cow waiting to become someones second course veal. Yes, it’s just like that. But when the mind, heart and body are nearly symmetrical in alignment, even through the grief there exists no pressing need to compartmentalize any emotion that is aptly dealt with in the manner that it occurs.
When I account for my feelings and they are expressed exactly as they arise, it compels me to do the exact opposite of compartmentalization; I’m forced to come to terms with the explosive, fresh, raw emotion that gives way whenever my heart or mind dictate. This has the tendency to give my sensibilities a tsunami-sized dose of whiplash a couple hundred times a day or more depending on how quickly those emotions come and go. But the beauty in that allows a special kind of permeance to flow through; allows me to receive my emotions raw and unfiltered so that I can process what comes in its due time.
Grief is fueled by love.
And losing your soul mate, best friend and lover (all in one) leaves a hole so deep and gaping that when it finally stops bleeding you’re left wondering how that hole will ever fill up again. Will I ever be the same? Of course not, I am forever changed. And because of that I’ve decided to live with the hole for as long as it takes the quick sands of time to refill it. The void will refill when my spirit is ready. It is the only way.
It’s getting there, slowly but surely. I know it’s time to get back on the grind of living, loving anew, and especially – writing. Instead of relentless darkness and a bleak future outlook blocking out the sunlight that’s straining to saturate me all over, I see that hope lives and the possibilities for the future are as endless as they always were.
Death is final.
Coming to terms with the fact that that person is never coming back is the toughest path to travel and the hardest road to cross. But when you have crossed that intersection and fully understand the navigation required, there exists an understanding that eventually things will be okay. That’s what I keep telling myself. Everything will fall into its respective place, and it will.
Going back to work two weeks after Kelly died helped me begin the healing process. It jump started the shock that my system would endure the weeks following her death. Even now, on occasion I am sharply reminded of the agonizing despair I initially felt over losing my love. Despair has been replaced with hope. Spending every day with my daughter in the wake of her step-mom’s death has become my life force. We always treasured the times we were together with our daughter, but now those moments mean something more dear to me than I could have ever previously realized.
To live with purpose is the meaning of life.
My laugh returned a lot quicker due to the strength of the bond I’ve developed with my daughter – not knowing that it could possibly be any stronger than it was prior to. Studying, researching and getting my hands on every book I could that referenced grief, mourning and loss in some manner has been a priceless gift and quite humbling to add. I knew I would not accept therapy or grief counseling due to my ridiculously stubborn nature, but reading of others experiences has helped me tremendously through the struggle.
I wanted to manage what I could on my own, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it.
The feeling of emptiness that permeated my soul in the wake of my girlfriend’s death has almost completely retracted its hold on me. I no longer feel alone, because I never was. She is with me every single day. Although I am adapting to my new life, it is still so unfamiliar.
She wasn’t considered my better half because that phrase simply sounds good on paper or is well constructed for lip service. It is because she brought out the very best in me, and I am putting to practice a concept that she and I always held dear to our hearts.
Love doesn’t die