The Dark Side Of Affairs Part II: Karma

isrgraff3I sent her an e-mail that Monday. It was sappy and ridiculous and nevertheless I asked for a reply and she assured me she would send one. I didn’t get a reply all week until Friday rolled around and still nothing until the phone call later that day. She wanted to discuss something. By that time I was thinking maybe she wanted to discuss how she was going to start paying me back. It was clearly becoming a major excuse to continue communication. Life at home was tense and the continuing communication with my ex exacerbated things even more. I kept coming up with reasons why I wanted to get my money back from her and the more I did, the more we pulled apart. It was the one major thing between us that I choose to further pursue.

I remember telling her that I wanted to get my motorcycle tuned up before spring was over. The bottom line was I wanted the money repaid, I felt she owed it to me, and it was the last little bit of control I had over her. I knew she’d gotten paid that Friday and when we finally talked she told me that the new girl she’d  been talking to, who lived out of state, would be visiting over the weekend until Tuesday morning. I was shocked for no good reason really, but I tried my best not to relay that over the phone. I knew that since it had gotten to that point they would be intimate during the visit. It haunted me and I found myself in my girlfriend’s and ex’s shoes all at once. I still had clothes over at her place and a few other things that I wanted back. All the while, I wondered how she was moving on so quickly. Why didn’t she need more time to get over me? This self-centered cycle is what had gotten me into this mess in the first place. So many thoughts coupled with the multitude of actions and choices I’d made based on those thoughts manifesting themselves time and again. It was a destructive plight I was emotionally drained. I thought that maybe she was trying to take a page out of my book by telling me about the visit yet leaving out any mention of money. You can’t play a Playa I thought with self-righteous indignation.

After recovering from the surprise I was cool all weekend and I spent time with my teammates that Saturday after our flag football game. We lost. I spent all day Sunday on the beach with my girlfriend. Monday rolled around and she called me, we talked for a while that morning and I brought up the car insurance again. She said the new girl was leaving the next morning and I think it was at that point that I made the decision. That was the night of her big event as well. I had become a tad frustrated earlier on because I knew she had invited the new girl to her event. I asked her two weeks prior if the reason she didn’t invite me was because of inviting someone else and she swore up and down that wasn’t true, then hit me with the news on Friday. Taking a page right out of my book.

What a bigger fool I’d become. That evening I could not stop thinking about how hurt I felt about her dissing me. Something I had been doing to her and my girlfriend for the longest. Despite that, I said “fuck it” and decided to do something drastic. Something she wouldn’t see coming, and in retrospect, neither would I. It was my full intent to be done with her so I made up my mind and nothing was changing it. If I was deterred I wouldn’t do what I needed to.

When you finally make a decision that you want to cut off all contact and move on even if you aren’t 100% sure, you have to go with it. Most people do not. But, it is the exact thing that’s needed to begin the process of breaking completely free of an affair. It’s a very important realization. All avenues must be explored in breaking off the relationship, and subsequently all contact especially in lesbian affairs. I realized that my ex-girlfriend filled the position of second best for some time, but I projected so much of my emotional self into her and that’s where the added emotional haunts came into play. That’s why an emotional affair is more intense and ultimately more destructive than a physical connection only. That emotional connection was stark from the start, but I never felt like it was a good thing, I didn’t trust it as much as she did. I’d come to realize that I didn’t fully trust her and I didn’t know why nor did I understand it, but deep down it was because I didn’t trust myself and she understood that chararacteristic. She understood me too well which was in fact understanding a bahavior or pattern she’d come to accept in prior relationships. It gave me a free pass in some ways, but I never could embrace it because I knew it was wrong. And the uncanny similarities of what I was experiencing were sadly ironic.

Wednesday finally rolled around and I got off work at my second job, drove home, took a shower and relaxed for a while. I’d called her that morning because the girl was supposed to be gone by then, although she still hadn’t told me anything about making a payment. I knew she wouldn’t bring it up because it would somehow give me power. So in the back of my mind I had other selfish reasons why I wanted to comfront her and they are what dictated my actions. If nothing else, it personified a intensly growing need for closure. Karma will do that to you eventually. Force you into uncomfortable situations which you must come to terms with whether you accept it and dismiss it. I was walking into the situation with my eyes wide closed. Again. I called her home phone three times. No answer. Her cell phone had been turned off a couple days before, the same phone she wanted me to give her money to turn back on! I figured she could ask her new girl if it was that important. It was also at this point that I decided to use my key. And this is where it got interesting.

I remember walking up the stairs to her apartment and knocking on the door hard. I knocked a couple of times because I didn’t want any excuse for her not to answer before busting out my key. I remember thinking about that old school classic rock song’s lyrics “knock three times on the ceiling if you…”, yeah so I knocked some more and I waited. Then I put my ear against the door and could hear music coming from somewhere inside the apartment. That was the straw. I found my key in my bag and I put it in the lock and turned it. I opened the door and looked into the familar place I’d come to know, but this time I was feeling surreal. Nevertheless, I entered and called out “hello” and soon I heard her voice answering me back from inside her bedroom. I could also hear another voice.

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5 Responses to “The Dark Side Of Affairs Part II: Karma”
  1. Tami says:

    wow…waiting for part 3…this is really good!

  2. AJtheDJ says:

    Wow…

  3. Alix says:

    Awwww, shoot!

  4. BWABW says:

    Damn…

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