The Confrontation: Part III
By the end of part II I had made it up the four flights of stairs to her apartment. I knocked a few times and then turned the key. I was determined and I had no idea what was in store, I just remember walking toward the sofa and not going any further. I knew someone else was there and I could hear them talking back and forth to each other in the bedroom before she would eventually emerge. The music was still playing, but I stopped hearing it altogether. I don’t remember what was on or who was singing, but I heard the sound of my ex’s voice.
I told her to bring my clothes and jewelry while she was in there. She called out and asked why I was there. I said it was because we needed to talk, and we needed closure, I said I had waited long enough. I bought her a Italian charm bracelet a while go, the same kind my girlfriend had and I told her I wanted it back. I felt like a jerk and that’s how I was being, but my adrenaline was pumping and I didn’t care. I knew that asking for it back would affect her. She finally walked out of the room and everything about her looked different. Dark, Unfamilar and Unwelcoming, obviously and yet some part of me was glad I was there. I wanted her to feel uncomfortable just like I’d been feeling.
In a lot of ways I had to be party to this reality because I hadn’t had my wake up call yet. I’d felt like shit for the past two weeks and the biggest thing I’d lost was weight. I remember standing there with a smug look on my face. I had on a black polo, dkny blue jeans and a black do-rag. I had my arms crossed and I smirked while I handed her a list that detailed the money she owed and asked that she have it ready in two weeks. I asked if she wanted to be taken off my car insurance or if she wanted me to leave her on. Mistake. Surprisingly, she wanted me to leave her on even though she hasn’t paid her bill in two months.
All my talk of cutting things off completely and here I was asking if she wanted to remain on my car insurance. I listened to myself utter those words and shook my own head in disbelief. When I finished talking she again asked why I showed up, “why I was doing this” and I responded that I needed closure. I was eirily calm. I wanted to see the truth with my own eyes and soak everything in. I need to fully experience all the feelings no matter how deep and scary. I played it off, purposely. I needed to see how much this person meant to her so I could do what she couldn’t and what I should have done long ago. She just kept asking me why I had showed up and I said your friend was supposed to be gone, remember, that’s why. I said perhaps you should answer your phone next time. She ignored that and started getting a little louder. I made it a point to remain calm because I didn’t want to argue, I just wanted her to know what was up. I knew she would understand that this unexpected visit was a turning point for us both. Later on she would confirm this as true. I stood there and listened to her as she raised her voice, needlessly, even though there was nothing more to discuss. I had my stuff zipped up in my bag and the only thing of hers I had were the keys. It was a fucking conundrum.
All of the sudden the new girl walks out of the bedroom and starts walking straight toward me. She wanted to get in my face, I could see in her eyes that she needed to be in my face. Right then I imagined my hands around her neck, squeezing, letting her punch me anywhere she wanted while I focused on draining the life from her for daring to step to me like that. I was surprised by the thought, but that’s exactly what I focused on. I burned it into my mind. “If she hits me, I will choke the fuck out of her, if she hits me I will choke the fuck out of her” I kept telling myself. I was thinking purely in the moment even though I was trying to convince myself that I was mostly thinking ahead. And so I continued answering my ex’s questions, not moving, but keeping one eye on the new girl and the other on my ex, which wasn’t hard to do to be honest. My ex was holding the new girl back from coming at me as she kept lunging, repeatedly trying to get at me, but not really trying all that hard. It was like a ferris wheel and I came to expect her lunges while my ex and I exchanged retorts.
My ex started switching off between saying “baby, no” to her “almost” girlfriend while she kept saying that I’d lost a good thing and that I don’t know what I’m going to be missing. I, of course had a retort for everything and laughed while telling her I already knew what I would be missing and that obviously she should consider it a gift and stop talking shit. I sarcastically wished them the best and ended it by calling the new girl a thug, which caused her to lunge for me some more. I smacked my lips and stood there. She had to hit first. That was my personal rule for “The Art Of Warring Another Stud” even though I’d never utilized it off the football field. I stood my ground and it felt crazy. Here were twin pseudo alpha lesbians at their most ridiculous yet I felt strong and I understood the show. I had to retain my dignity and my pride. Her version of that was strikingly different, but I understood the aggresion and what she was trying to convey to me physically and to my ex, what I could so eloquently express in words she choose to express physically, or at least with feigned attempts for the time being. This was her way. It’s happens, especially in volatile heterosexual relationships. So I wasn’t concerned about being hurt, even though I should have been, or worse, like being arrested. The very thing I egged her on about. I had no intention of fighting for someone or something I no longer needed, wanted or desired unless cornered and threatened. But I had an out, no one was stopping me from walking out the door, and so I reciprocated through words.
I knew she was from out of state and was only visiting for the weekend so I remarked that she didn’t want to catch a case in Chicago. She immediately lunged for me again, at which point my ex held her back. We engaged in back and forth banter with the new girl calling me every name in the book as if she had some unresolved anger at me. By then, she probably did. She continued to reference my ex being lost and I told her I had two good women and that my ex was never lost in the second place. I said she just wasn’t going to play me anymore. Yeah, I really had some nerve. ”No more I Love You’s” care of Annie Lennox and then I said that now that she’s been found make sure to take better care of her than I did.”
I knew it was my time to exit and in a lot of ways I knew I’d crossed the line. This could get dangerous, out of hand and I could be left taking the blame for everything. My ex stood there like a deer in headlights not really knowing what to say or do other than hold her passive-aggressive girl back from me. I wanted her to hit me as crazy as it sounds, but she never did. At some point I picked up my bag and turned around and started walking toward the door. It was my full intent to give my ex her keys before making my departure, but as soon as the new girl alluded to it, I thought better of it. I opened the door and told her she wasn’t getting anything until I had my money. The new girl said I’ll give you your money right now, let’s go to the bank. So I said lets go. But she was bluffing and I was ready to go. At that point my ex tried to argue with me that I had no right to keep her keys as collateral and that she knew the law and didn’t have to give me any collateral. Nevermind the fact that I was the one with the keys and no matter what she said I wasn’t giving them up simply because the new girl brought it up. That was my logic and that was that. I walked out of the door, heard it slam behind me and sauntered down the stairs. I was a mix of emotions and my heart was beating fast, but as you can imagine that wasn’t the last of it.
All afairs reach a breaking point and very rarely do they last. The reality is that someone is often left shouldering the guilt, pain, hurt, anger, blame and a range of emotions. It effects more than two people most of the time. The situations cheaters put themselves in can and will have an eventual negative impact. This is something many reconcile with themselves prior to acting out on or engaging in an affair. It usually takes them being directly involved in an explosive confrontation with the girlfriend, the ex’s new girl, or a mix of all three for the wake up call to sink in. Left unresolved, bad behaviors repeat themselves. I know I said before that affairs are relationship killers. Honestly, they kill your partners happiness, joy, trust. A relationship can survive, but it takes a lot of time and effort to restore the things that were stripped away. Affairs aren’t black and white, they are extremely complex and because of that questions need to be asked and answered.