She Doesn’t Love You
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” ~ Bob Marley
Somewhere between fading love and explosive, complicated lust lives something intense. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I do know what it breeds. Confusion, reservation, deep longing and ultimately a second and equally powerful heartbreak on top of the one already dealt in the initial breakup. Usually only one of you will be affected by the impending and predictable outcome. You can take ownership of a person’s heart a second time this way. After first relinquishing the loving, devoted relationship in which you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with this person. But when it is stripped away, the resulting feeling is like a thief in the night that stole your very soul. Fortunately, the feeling is temporary. What I am referring to is sex with your ex following a major breakup.
When your ex-girlfriend breaks up with you and then asks for this type of arrangement, the odds are great that you will stupidly agree. I certainly did. You tend to feel almost rejuvenated, recharged and ever so hopeful during the lead up to and the aftermath. You truly believe there’s hope. You think your magic stick will be just the spark to recharge her heart and change her mind, but I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. One person is bound to get hurt because there are real feelings and emotions involved amongst the passionate fury of climatic releases that are sure to ensue. After all, she wouldn’t ask for more if the sex wasn’t good.
The reality is that agreeing to have sex with your ex provides only one person with exactly what they want – a limited, unemotional connection (no strings attached) vs. an open door back into the relationship with the one you love. While one person may adopt an unhealthy physical connection, what about the one adopting an even deeper, emotional connection? The emotional wreck may suffer in silence for awhile so as to preserve the sexual intimacy, because it is better than nothing, but it is completely unsustainable.
When you’re trying to pull yourself out of a relationship that meant the world to you, there is no greater enemy to your psychological well-being than to continue fucking your ex. Sorry to be so blunt, but I wish someone would have been just as blunt with me. It creates an emotional bond that does not match your ex’s view of how she perceives things.
This is my story.
I slept with my ex who I felt was falling out of love with me, but may have wanted to hold onto the familiarity of what once was because I was safe. Now if you had problems sexually satisfying your partner in the relationship, this is less likely to happen. But if she genuinely enjoyed physical intimacy with you and you agree to this after she breaks up with you, you’re going to flood your body with a ton of endorphin’s that will misguidedly convince you that she is the only person you want, no matter how opposite she feels (remember: it’s all about sex for her), and your hurt will become two-fold in the interim and drag out any healing that absolutely must be accomplished in order for you to be ok.
She is no longer your Be All, End All because you are no longer hers. I renamed my ex in my smartphone contact list to, “She Doesn’t Love You” to remind myself that her feelings no longer aligned with mine.
Painful, but somewhat effective so far. I readily admit that every word in this article screams that I haven’t fully conceded to letting her go yet, but I realized over the past two weeks that I must do exactly that in order to become whole again. I had propped my ex up onto this unattainable pedestal. Over the last six weeks she had called a few times. We mostly communicated by text because that was her preferred method of communication; it’s what she wanted and I tried to be amiable to her every whim after the breakup. Also, texting is safer when you’re the dumper because ideally you hold all the power. They can throw their hands up in the air, absolving themselves of emotional responsibility and say, “Words! That’s all they are.” Verbal communication tends to speak more directly to the heart and soul and for the dumper, that needs to be avoided at all costs.
In hopes that she would one day decide that she had made a huge mistake and come running back into my open arms, I agreed to continue having sex with her. We spent 3 explosive days together within less than 2 months into our separation. Who was I to say no? My ex is very attractive and I was still in the throes of love and passion so I buried my pain, but not deep enough. I was somewhere between mad hope and despair, but the physical attraction and sexual chemistry were like fire works going off in the air.
A lot of women think they can change their partner even if the change is small. Is it fair when we all suffer shortcomings that should be accepted as a part of who we are instead? Alternately, sometimes us studs and butches think that we can fuck our way back into our ex’s heart. Making her pussy come will not make her heart follow suit. Think she’ll see the light with your fingers, strap and tongue, think that’s enough to cause her to run back to you when you’re done? Naw son. In that way, women (some) [most] can be delusional, with both partners ignoring obvious red flags when the question of being friends with benefits arises. Thus making molehills out of mountains until the shit hits the fan and you’re both back at square one. Damn. Instead of running in the opposite direction, we crawl back into their bed, thinking that maybe, just maybe they’ll come around again. It goes both ways but it doesn’t work at either end.
Believe me, I’ve tried and failed. You can’t keep a sinking boat afloat. I let that serve as a helpful reminder. You can’t make a person love you — even if you continue to fuck them in the hopes that they will one day want to be in a committed relationship with you again. But you don’t have to lose your dignity and self-respect just because you were dumped against your wish. Wear that shit like a badge of honor. A pink heart of sorts. Fighting for your love is just as worthy of respect, so long as you do it in a way where you can still look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Alternately, ending the sexual affair with your ex after the break up is even more pressing and depressing because although you don’t want to, you must, you fool < — yes, I’m talking to me. Because it stunts your healing and your peace of mind… in the short and long run.
I would have done absolutely anything to make things work, but for now, more importantly I must do this for me. After I told her I couldn’t do it anymore and offered my very valid reasons why, she blocked me on Facebook, Instagram and who knows what other platform. I haven’t contacted her since. I miss her, but I miss me more.
[youtube width=”325″ height=”244″]https://youtu.be/O23-OjPyR9A[/youtube]