The Both of Us
I was lost within myself. The mental capacity of a grief stricken widow. Darkness a reliable, miserable best friend. You know. When no one else has the time to listen. How one goes deep within and gets all pensive.
Everyone has something going on, lives chocked full of rights and wrongs. Oh woe was me. And how my hurt was nothing special amongst the throngs. Not exactly. I simply needed to understand what was gong on. I was hurt and lost and starving for love. I was the epitome of a pitiful, thrice-kicked dog.
“You look like a starving child from Africa,” said my best friend. I’d lost so much weight I was even shrinking size in my big forehead. I love so hard that when it comes to an end, I feel like the end is the beginning of an end soon to begin again. But I always bounce back and there I was right at the beginning. Thought I could keep me down, but I was mending. Love, like energy never dies – and I have plenty. It’s just a matter of tapping into my reserves when it starts rescinding. It lives deep within me and within you, like a steady flow of blood when heart beats, life ensues.
They come in twos. Girls interested in knocking my boots, but my heart was so fragile I was afraid it would break in two. Never again would I allow one all the in… or so I thought. Thanks to you. Down on bended knee I presumed was the last time I’d assume that position, but it wasn’t true. Yes, I still think of you. On long drives home from whatever’s distracting. On long drives home with Zoey in the back seat. My little one keeps me company. My tiny dancer. I shared her world with you and your absence turned out to be a cancer. Except you’re still alive. She finally no longer pines, like I was once did. Accuse me of being horrible for verbalizing the pain you should have been spoon fed. This is my therapy. For a moment in time I questioned why my love was just barely. Why my presence in your life wasn’t enough for forever. See. That’s all I’m asking. But you don’t hear me. Clearly, no answers come and I feel so shut off. In my world your presence has completely come undone. Totally unrecognizable in my heart and in my eyes you’re no longer my sun. You are no longer the woman I once considered the one. The ultimate prize. I paid the ultimate price, loving you with all my heart. You were the eternal sunshine of this sunlit mind of mine but then all I could do was stumble around in the dark. I am Jim Carrey and you are the girl he wants to marry and then erase all memories of because he is weary and still in love.
I no longer long for you. I no longer despair at the prospect of dissolving you, and all you took from me and all you walked away from. How could I ever again follow you and bang my head against the wall. You created a masterpiece in my mind and now I’m filling the blank pages with thoughts of a new life. No more of an unrequited love that decided to walk away instead of fight.
How your favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast, but you are no Belle. You are Gaston Legume, taking what you want and leaving no prisoners behind while placing your privilege at the forefront and soaking up your conquests with wine. Or honey whiskey. There was no humbling you with love. Too much anxiety. There was no love in you divine. But there was I, blinded by green eyes and hair the color of sunshine. And I am humbled by your loss. I am humbled by my brief fall from loves embrace and no longer being able to see your face. Your lips no longer mine to rearrange as we kiss so passionately we could dissipate. I guess it was fate. With head held high I walk away having never lost your trust. If only it were enough. If only I could hold a grudge, but I cannot and so I forgive us both for so much. For me turning to mush in moments of despair and for you being a lush every time we’d go somewhere. And when tempers flared and eyes did glare and thin lines were bared.
I forgive the both of us, my dear.