A Cheater’s Guide To What’s In A Name
Woman cheats on girlfriend. Woman gets caught. She survives a couple months of hell and after a year, maybe, she’ll eventually overcome. If she holds on and proves she’s truly sorry then the incident goes to show that the wake up call was alarming. There’s nothing standing in her way except her girlfriend and all her army.
I am one of the lucky ones. But that doesn’t mean the amount of promises and assurances I made have completely served their purpose and I’m finally free. My girlfriend knows just about everything I currently say or do with regard to my ex-girlfriend. And it is the one thing that scares me the most and leaves me my own version of vulnerable and wide open. That comes with having nothing to hide.
There are days where I’m haunted by my affair with my ex. The main reason is that I truly loved this woman. She wasn’t just a mistress or someone I was having a sexual affair with. My feelings felt and seemed as real and as deep as I proclaimed them to be time and time again. I knew the place where she was coming from and I reciprocated those feelings. I became addicted to her and the affection and feelings and promises we both made during the course of the relationship.
Those days I torture myself about the past are the days I need my own questions to be answered and asked. So I re-read e-mails I sent to my ex and my girlfriend and sometimes I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about the things I said and did. Damn the times when I make even myself cringe. She asked me after our affair ended why I didn’t either stop seeing her or leave my girlfriend.The easy answer is I loved them both, but that’s never good enough, not for a women so don’t even attempt to give that answer and think you won’t be questioned many times over. That may be the short answer, but there’s always a long one and that’s the one they deserve to hear. I imagine the things I’d tell my ex about my girlfriend and the things I’d tell my girlfriend about my ex and I question if there is any possible explanation that could aptly explain what was going through my mind while I was carrying on two relationships at once.
The knowledge that our relationship was beyond sexual is both relevant and irrelevant. We had a deep mental connection and that connection would go on to breed lies and deceit and anything I could concoct to keep things as they were.
Love is not to be fucked with.
And why couldn’t I ever learn that shit the easy way. Had she actually just been my mistress on the side, that’d be different, but she was far more than what I was projecting to myself and others. I felt the only woman I owed any apologies to was my girlfriend, but I was wrong.