The excitement that goes into carrying on an affair is worlds apart from the emotions found within a long-term, committed relationship. Long-term relationships take work, and include some of the less attractive attributes such as taking care of the household finances, cooking, cleaning, keeping the passion alive and sharing responsibilities. By its very nature, an affair tends to focus strictly on the fun and exciting aspects of a committed relationship. Rarely do real life concerns negatively affect the world you’ve built around the affair. The downside is that stress becomes a major factor in many other areas of the adulterer’s lives.

I started a blog immediately after my affair ended because the emotional pain started to manifest itself physically. It was intense. Anxiety was at an all time high. I didn’t seek refuge in anyone, because I knew I didn’t deserve it. Not yet at least. I know it’s surprises some people, but yes, even reformed cheaters have very real feelings.  Ultimately, we do not deserve to be comforted in any way because we know exactly what we’re doing, and what we’ve done. So it was either write everything down or slowly self-destruct and pick up the pieces later on. I wrote. I bled myself of as much emotion about the affair as I could and I recorded everything. I documented the ending stages of the affair, including all of the events leading up to the last physical interaction with my other woman.

Still, I find it hard to read some of my earlier blog’s. I have grown drastically since my journey’s beginning and my outlook is not the same as it once was in relation to many aspects of my affair. I find it hard to read some of some of the comments in response to those blog’s. One in particular distinctly stands out. It was never approved, and it remains the only comment to date that I haven’t approved for my own personal reasons. I could not answer the question found within or bear to have it posted as a constant reminder of what every person thinks of someone who has cheated.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

That’s a mighty big assumption, but it’s belief is so widespread it’s tough to argue against. Personally, it sounds like something a habitual cheater came up with to justify their actions or addiction, but I do not believe it to be true. Regardless of the naysayer encountered along the way, it’s still necessary and healthy to have an outlet for ones emotions. Accompanying that outlet should exist a path to forgiveness. That accompanies the belief that infidelity is not some permanent affliction that one can never recover from. It’s a choice that one can most definitely choose never to make again. People cheat for many reasons, but they also possess the self-control needed to resist temptation.

Although blogging has helped immensely, I still don’t have all the answers to all of my internal questions. In fact, I’m discovering subtle nuances every day that help me to better understand myself. In relation to my girlfriend, myself, our relationship and the affair, I am in a place that I never thought I’d be. I am at peace with my past. I have also been met with some real tough questions that deserve answers. For those, I had to look deep within myself and pull out answers like I was pulling teeth. Maintaining the affair meant everything to me at the time, but once it was over it’s importance became so miniscule I couldn’t even remember what fueled it’s beginning. Self-awareness will do that to you. To understand why I became desensitized to the pain of manipulation was something I needed to get to the bottom of. You can only consider yourself an asshole or jerk for so long before realizing that to prevent the behavior from reoccuring you have to get to the root. For me it’s meant learning to bridge the gap between what I feel and what I think. Placing importance and appropriateness to my actions coincide with doing everything in my power to maintain emotional balance and health. With that said, I am more comfortable in my relationship than I have ever been, and this feeling encompasses every single aspect. Communication has been the defining force and real love has solidified its redefinining qualities. I feel free of the guilt of my actions, but not the memories.

My infidelity hurt me as much as it hurt my girlfriend in the long run. I have been faithful ever since and that’s a conscious decision that we all make, at least those who abstain. There is no fun in ruining someone’s life or hurting the one you love. I have no desire to disrespect my values or the values of those I love. People often change who they are faster than they can change the reputation their former actions have built. It makes it hard for people to remember the good. You can write a thousand poems and nobody know you’re a poet. Our past always travels with us, but why hold onto someone’s or even your own past when they’re living in the present, and looking to the future? The point is, so too should we look to our future when we’ve come to terms with our past.

I finally forgive myself. And I will tell you this, there is absolutely nothing that can take the place of forgiving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive is devine.

My greatest comfort is knowing that I simply want the best for everyone. My weakness was harboring a lust that was as destructive as my inability to forgive myself for my past indescretions had become. I learned that love has just as great a capacity for destruction as it does for healing.

If you want to work on your relationship then do not give up on it. Only you can determine its worth, and if you feel it’s worth saving you should do everything in your power to save it. Relationships aren’t fantasy and they damn sure aren’t perfect. Not only do they bring us some of the best moments in life, they set the foundation for unconditional love and committment needed to foster growth between two loving, adoring souls. It takes hard work and dedication to build upon that foundation. Loving one another is the easy part.

To ensure there was no doubt he spelt it out: “I was unfaithful, I had affairs, I cheated. What I did was unacceptable.  - Tiger Woods

You know something is wrong when the mistress feels more cheated than the girlfriend or wife. The very definition of cheat[ing] in comparison to the nature of a committed relationship presents one hell of a messy contradiction. More telling is when the other woman feels slighted when apologies are made public to family and friends for indescretions, but not to her.  And that’s the thing about fantasies and affairs even after they are over. They provide an amazing fantasy world in a warped reality until warp speed malfunctions and fake bliss comes to a screeching halt.

It brings me to Tiger Woods recent apology about his affairs and the aftermath that continues to follow him since they became public. A horde of women have come forward to proudly declare themselves Tiger’s willing mistresses. This has been quite the eye opener since mistresses typically do not receive welcome receptions after affairs are brought to light. It’s also out of the ordinary for them to be so forthcoming about their role, especially with prior knowledge of a wife or girlfriend or worse, children. With that said, my interest in this has everything to do with contrasting the differences between lesbian and heterosexual affairs and expectations at the aftermath.

When my affair ended, I still cared about the feelings of my other woman. So much so that I was still calling her my “ex-girlfriend” when the truth was, she was my mistress, i.e., other woman (OW). I carried on as if she was simply an ex that I was naughty with, and she reciprocated those sentiments because that’s exactly what I told her she was. I said it multiple times during the course of the affair. In retrospect, I believe it was a last ditch attempt to continue to downplay, in whatever way I could muster, the truest nature of the relationship. When I begin blogging about it, I was reinforcing  that title, while also putting my prior actions on blast.

I was ready to come to terms with some of the lies, but not all because I was convinced of a truth based on lies. Deep down, no matter what I lead her or anyone else to believe, the relationship was fabricated and unfair to both women. It’s difficult to explain deep seated feelings in the midst of infidelity because while those feelings are very real, they can assist in continuing to distort reality because they are more real than any lie you’ve ever told. In that sense, they become a convenient excuse to continue down a path leading to nowhere. But at the end of the day, a lie is still a lie.

I read blogs authored by former and current mistresses and other women. I wanted to understand their perspective. My intent was to gauge how my ex-OW might have felt at the time that I started writing. I wondered if she felt the same as most of these OW’s. That staying with the wife or girlfriend is punishment in and of itself since things were so bad you resorted to having an affair. This is because they believed every negative piece ever said about the wife or girlfriend. Many believe the person they cheated with has moved on to someone else, is having sex with someone other than the girlfriend, or that sex with the girlfriend is punishment enough because they couldn’t possibly be satisfying in bed since you stepped out on them.

Let me tell you, these assumptions couldn’t be any further from the truth. When I was involved in the affair, it was not for lack of an already completely fulfilling sex life. The intimacy between my girlfriend and I was passionate, which made the discovery of the affair all the more hurtful. Most affairs have little to do with a lack of sex and more to do with emotional immaturity and wanting our cake and eating it too. The sexual aspect may be most telling in multiple instances of one night stands, or random hookups,  but most affairs are born of an emotional intimacy.

What I took away from those blog posts was that other woman tend to feel some manner of fierce resentment toward the girlfriend or wife that decides to stay. If the cheater wants to salvage the relationship there remains lasting resentment that manifests itself even a year after the fact. It’s understandable seeing as there are two sides to every story, but affairs can have up to three of four sides of a story depending on the circumstanes and parties involved.

If I could re-write some of my initial blog posts, I would, but I won’t because I want to be able to gauge my progress years from now. The point of this entry is to reinforce in my mindset that the responsibility of a cheating spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or lover when the affair has ended is to make amends to the person who hurts the most. There is no responsibility to the other woman or mistress, but to be able to one day clear my conscious and heal, I couldn’t help but feel for my ex-OW. As devastating as that thought may be, public apologies are only owed and should be reserved for the woman most deserving; the wife or girlfriend.

A short apology via e-mail, letter, or phone could prove beneficial and thrwat off retribution by the OW, but if the apology is not accepted, DO NOT dwell on it. Move on. Her feelings and emotions do matter but the greatest and only responsibility is to family.

It’s sickening to watch some of Tiger’s mistresses demand apologies and hire lawyers with ill intent. They all knew of Tiger’s home life and if they didn’t they could have google’d it. They knew he had a wife and two children regardless of any lies he told. Elin is the only woman in the position to make demands. The odds of her receiving an apology, public or private, from all of Tiger’s mistresses are slim.

I apologized to my OW until I was blue in the face and then apologized some more. If I had it to do all over again, I would say nothing. My apologies caused my girlfriend and OW additional hurt. Not only because I wasn’t directing 100% of my efforts on her and our relationship, but because my ex-mistress felt entitled to her apology and harbored hurt feelings. The title I gave her throughout the course of the affair caused her to feel entitled. It would seem absurd for any of Tiger’s mistresses to be upset with Elin. When personal attacks are directed at the cheaters girlfriend or wife, it is unacceptable. I caution any reformed cheater who wants to save their relationship to focus all energy into the woman who is truly entitled.

Write from the heart.
Be unique, original and think outside the box.
Don’t follow every new trend.
Proofread, critique and enhance my craft.
Get faster and better at responding to comments.
Read and process first, debate later. Rinse and repeat.
Continue to respect all comments and opinions.
Make the most out of my creativity.
Exhibit diligence when organizing my blog for optimal online searching.
Network, network, network and start building a firm outbound and inbound link(s) framework.
Link to other sites even if they don’t link back.
“Content is King” — Quality writing trumps a contentless multitude of posts.
Don’t set deadlines that cannot be met.
Develop a regular posting schedule.
Utilize my leather bound journal to jot down future post ideas.
Make sure every post is well thought out.
Don’t ignore important topics just because they’ve already been written about.
Keep my chaos more organized.
Skim all posts prior to publishing.
Promote my blog whenever possible.
Seek and welcome guest bloggers with topics of interest.
Enhance and maintain blog design. Fix any errors.
Interact more with my readers.
Learn from those who have done it longer ~ learn from the best.
Stay humble and hone my skills

——————————————
image. The List by Thrife.

There is a dark side to Valentine’s Day that usually takes place the day of or the night before that special day. It’s the time most cheaters choose to spend with their mistresses. The reason for this is simple. Waiting until the day after V-Day is too obvious and the last thing they want her to think is that she a further after thought. Odds are she already knows she’s the other woman. She gets wined and dined first not because she is valued more, but because cheaters know just how special Valentine’s day is for all women; especially girlfriends and wives. Even if one or both women genuinely feel that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a commercial success, and it is, they still want to be acknowledged. They want to feel special, and only one of them is going to be okay with settling for less than, i.e., the day before or after V-Day. The cheater decides which one will put up less of a fight to determine who gets what day. It’s tough for women to listen to their girl friends go on and on about how they were romanced and swept off their feet when all they did was sit at home watching Law & Order reruns. Although a cheater could spend Valentine’s Day with both women, they realize that they can only spend the night with one.

Some cheaters are bold enough to see both women on Valentine’s Day. Imagine this. Your significant other is missing for a few hours that day. The reason she gives is believable so you think nothing of it. Especially since it’s family related. Besides, there are a thousand thoughts running through your mind about what’s in store for the day and later that night, and another woman isn’t one of them. I will tell you this; Valentine’s Day is a stressful time of year for cheaters. The best are able to play it off so well you would never know their anxiety level is high. Others are short-tempered leading up to the day because they are calculating and planning up to the hour. Any mistakes could be costly. But now is not the time to be concerned with anything. The excuse worked so it’s time to play.

One of the biggest ways of getting caught on or around Valentine’s Day is by having text messages, phone calls, and e-mails read or intercepted by a suspecting girlfriend. When a woman reaches her wits end she will sometimes do things she’d normally never do. Like invade your privacy. Others are willing to dismiss their roused suspicion for the sake of spending quality time with their cheater. Paying for gifts with credit or debit cards especially if they share a checking account with their significant other can get a cheater caught. I recall buying flowers for my girlfriend and my lover, paying with my debit card and praying I didn’t get caught when the statement arrived. I triple checked names and delivery addresses before submitting the order. Would the florist mix up the order, or worse, the messages? Most cheaters use a pet name when sending flowers to further avoid confusion in case of a mix-up. The anxiety that follows is consuming until everything is received exactly as ordered. Cheaters pull out all the stops on Valentines Day despite the fact that they’ve obviously been cheating before then.

There was one year in particular that I spent Valentine’s Eve with my other woman. I spent the night at her place even though she had to work half a day the next morning. We spent the entire day together since I wouldn’t be with her on V-Day. I gave a lame excuse but deep down I knew she knew whom I was really going to be with. I stayed in bed until the sound of the doorbell brought me out of a late morning slumber. I went to answer the door and was met by a delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers. That was interesting because the flowers I sent were scheduled to arrive on Valentine’s Day, in my absence. I accepted the delivery and sat them on the coffee table. She came home later that afternoon and upon seeing the flowers looked surprised. I told her they weren’t from me so she opened the card that was attached. Not only was it signed by her ex-girlfriend, but she had given my mistress her last name so it would appear that they were married. It was clever indeed, but I wasn’t sure what her ex was thinking, or whether it was really her ex that sent the flowers. I didn’t react that day, but I did take the card and receipt when I left that night. I must have dropped it in my car at some point because the next time I saw them they were in the hands of my girlfriend. And she wanted answers. I denied sending the flowers, but to explain the presence of these items would prove fruitless and did not matter anyway so I said nothing instead. I took the mental beat down that accompanied my silence. This was one instance where truth in the midst of lies is not really truth at all.

The point of all of this is to say that Valentine’s Eve or “Mistress Day” is just as commercially successful as Valentine’s Day. Don’t discount it. This certainly doesn’t apply to all relationships, just my personal experiences, and lots of others I’m aware of. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There is no justifying cheating no matter what, it’s wrong. You have two options; the hard one provides immediate relief and looming consequences and the harder one doesn’t provide any immediate relief but will bring a sense of piece of mind and looming permanent relief that is good, real and not a facade. The hard road consists of working on yourself and your relationship from the inside out. A girlfriend or wife’s suspicions will eventually add up. My advice is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship healthy or get out of it entirely. Anything to prevent cheating is worth trying.

Gays Shouldn’t Be Allowed To… [insert stupidity here]

Today I was reminded of a discussion I took part in on Facebook a few months back. A guy on my friend’s list posted an unusual update to his profile, which was in fact a follow-up to a update he posted a week prior. He wasn’t happy with the positive feedback so he wanted to “stir the pot a little more” and get it all the way boiling, and it worked. I along with a few others commented on his update and so a brand-new discussion was born. He wanted to know what people thought about the recently elected mayor of Houston, Texas. Specifically, what people thought about her lesbian sexuality and were they okay with it? He further mentioned that he had nothing in common with her and didn’t understand her family structure, the fact that s which was of major concern. He questioned her ability to be mayor because of her sexuality. I recall commenting then replying with another and then stopping altogether when I could feel my blood beginning to boil while reading some of the “well-intended,” hateful replies. There were a few comments like mine. Made by people who weren’t afraid to express their disappointment with the way the discussion was heading.

My family appears with me everywhere. My life partner appears with me everywhere but this race is about who can do the best job as mayor.  - Annise Parker

Since when does having nothing in common with someone mean they are incapable of providing quality, effective leadership? It appeared that he was still struggling with the initial shock of her win. Was the consensus in Texas that they wanted a lesbian or a highly capable politician and stateswoman to run the city? He didn’t even refer to her opponent, Gene Locke, a former city attorney who happens to be black.  He didn’t bother to divulge his grievances at her political shortcomings or ideological differences. Instead, the focus was placed solely on sexual preference, which already proved to be a miserable failure for her opponent. Once the comments about religion, the bible and the sin of homosexuality starting rolling in, that was it for me. It lead to further debate about why a person’s sexuality should be considered when it comes to political office or hiring for a job, especially where children are present. People were not only giving this argument credence, we finally got to the reason behind the update! The majority of comments came from so-called black Christian.A few in particular derived from a girl I went to high school with. This single mother of two went on to profess that God didn’t want her to talk about the sins of homosexuality at that time. Furthermore, she understood why he took issue with the mayor’s sexuality. Apparently, God wanted her to express her prejudiced opinion a few minutes later because she went on to proclaim a complete discord with all matters concerning homosexuality including job seeking.Besides the sheer stupidity of the comments, it startled me to consider that most of the negativity came from individuals whose own family structure and lifestyle paled in comparison to this lesbian woman. I wasn’t surprised that those with the most junk in their closet had the most disparaging opinions. My final gesture was to give homophobia the Facebook boot. I deleted them both. My tolerance level has always been 100%, meaning I respect everyone’s opinion, even those I don’t agree with. It does not mean I have to further subject myself to it if I have the option not to.

Now the guy who started it all went to high school with my older sister back in the day. He and I conversed on Facebook via private message well before the incident occurred. He even flirted a little which I kindly deterred because he’d already acknowledged my sexuality more than once. I knew he was well aware of  how I identified. I remember calling my sister to familiarize myself with who he was because I couldn’t remember off hand. So why the masked prejudice? That’s what made it so hard to disengage from the discussion initially, but I eventually did.

I not only have a tendency to totally disregard people who use the bible to propagate discrimination and prejudice in any form, I do not feel it beneficial to engage them further. When one is trapped in a prison of faith based hate and ignorance, they become devoid of common sense and logic. But when others who call themselves Christians back up those opinions, it both emboldens the message of discrimination, just as it further narrows the mind.

In retrospect, there is tremendous diversity within the LGBT community. Just because there is increased visibility within our ranks doesn’t mean that that straight guy you’ve seen at the gym for years isn’t really a closeted homosexual. The thoughtful, attentive schoolteacher your child adores has been living with her female partner of 15 years whom she loves with all of her heart. Your doctor, dentist, grocery store cashier, boss, colleague, family member, friend, class mate or pastor could be gay. You have no idea who is and who isn’t and which of them have come into your life to extend a helping hand or provide a service you’ve required. It’s not okay to invalidate another person just because they’re different than you. Negativity impacts us all. The good thing is that his position is no more radical today than it was yesteryear; though it’s just as disturbing and deliberately antiquated.

The mayor of Houston falls within a small minority of gays currently holding political office. The primary reason their sexuality is of any concern is because of sexist, oppressive, and homophobic intolerance. It wasn’t very long ago that a different, but radical minority was pushing for things like the right to drink from a general water fountain and to send their children to school with children of all races. They were fighting for things like full equality insetead of settling for separate but equal. The majority could have easily been made up of people like the two I refer to above whose mindsets remain stuck in the past.

When Out gays run political office it challenges peoples perceptions and prejudices about homosexuality. It can be a double edged sword. On one hand it asks people to look past sexuality to judge based on skill set and merit alone and on the other hand it boldly draws attention to a characteristic that should already be considered neutral.  Fear of homosexuality is a biblical facade. Gays do not threaten the moral fabric of any institution, however they challenge the moral fiber of those who feel they are better than us just because they’re attracted to the opposite sex. Using the bible to justify homophobia is just as bad as slave masters and pro-slavery Christians using it to justify American slavery.

I was reminded of the discussion because a few days ago I received a Facebook notification of a pending friend request. Apparently, he still hasn’t figured out why we’re no longer acquaintances.

I’ve always assumed, as generalizations go, that not sleeping with someone helped determine whether the relationship had a future just as much as sleeping with someone helps determine that for others. Today, the focus is my ex and the fact that she’s dating a guy now. Yes, that ex. The one you never imagined in a million years would cross over or back over to the other side. And neither did she. I figured around late last year she had been feeling very lonely, and needy for affection and attention after getting over an abusive ex, and tultumotous relationship. I always thought the affection would naturally come from another woman. So when she worked up the nerve to tell me all about him, you could imagine my surprise. Disbelief. Only after engaging in serious discourse  did I begin to think a bit more critically about the situation. It’s been over a week since she dropped the bomb on me and I’m over the initial emotional disconnect that set on immediately following, and now I’m in the “who, what, where, when and why” phase. It was like I instinctually recoiled from learning something that went against everything I knew to be true.  I felt justified at first, but in reality my reaction was in stark contrast to the previous knowledge that she had been dating a woman and planned to become very serious with her just 2 years prior. I internalized that memory and pushed it to the forefront of my mind because I needed to be able to check myself down the road. It was bound to happen. I was being forced to reconsider a lot of things relating to sexuality all at once.

My ex had her own reservations about telling me. For that reason, she put it off for months. We’d chat like nothing out of the ordinary was occurring. For instance, she’d been asking a myriad of questions past and present relating to having children, maintaining a new relationship, and different relationship scenarios. I gladly advised her under with the premise that the questions had much to do with another woman.  I was thrown for a loop. But I wouldn’t have been completely thrown had she not hid the fact that she was serious about this guy, D, the whole time. I had a feeling prior to this that she was seeing someone she didn’t want me to know about, but I thought it was an undesireable individual and she felt I’d unfairly judge her. As far as it being a guy, well I was never that forward thinking. You see, ex-girlfriends can be extra demanding if you allow them, especially when either one or both of you is already in a serious relationship. More time spent with the other person means less time spent whining to me about her lack of options, and I never insisted when we’d talk so she was able to allude telling me.

A little back story first. Their sexual relationship didn’t begin on firm ground, and that’s more his fault than hers, but both of theirs really. Male insecurity, jealousy, the whole nine was the reason he stopped talking to her. When they initially began a sexual relationship, she brought another woman into the mix, a femme lesbian who had no physical contact with D during sex, but she had plenty of it with my ex. D was okay with it being a femme lesbian, but when she brought a stud home just to hang out with, he copped an attitude and left without saying anything, and hadn’t talked to her since that night. She was compelled to tell me about the situation with D because no one else’s advice was working and she was at her wits end.

It annoyed me to know the reason behind his diss. Like he didn’t know she was a lesbian all this time, but there he was  just as confused as I, probably more so when his sexual advances started being received. He felt threatened, insecure, and all the usual male responses to bringing a stud or butch lesbian around. On the other hand my ex was hurting and I could tell she had developed feelings for him. A threesome already though?That isn’t exactly a promising sign of relationship longevity, but you never know, right? Times have changed and it’s apparent to me that both of them have genuine feelings for each other to varying degrees. For the moment, I brought my thoughts out of the twilight zone and stopped thinking about her sexing this guy to further avoid reacting with biased disdain. Plus, I was taking the shit personally. As if all of her relationships with women were so terrible, including ours, that she decided it was in her best interest to start dating men. Less hassle, less stress? A misconception if I ever heard one, hence the reason she needed my advice. I was determined to give her some damn good advice too, but not before letting her know how I really felt about everything. I asked if she considered herself bisexual or lesbian. I could tell she was offended by the question, but she said she still considered herself a lesbian. I couldn’t understand how she was so certain about that considering the sexual relationship. I viewed the declaration as a threat to the sanctity of lesbian identity right down to the core of what makes us who we are.

Ultimately, my ex dating a man challenges a lot of my thinking about sexuality. The fluidity in sexuality we often hear of is true and that fluid identity is inherently natural in most people whether they believe it or not. Is it more mental than physical? I’m unaware, but what I do know is that she confirms her lesbianism by emphatically stating her attraction to women hasn’t gone anywhere. She is simply open to the idea of emotional and physically loving a man. I have a fleeting suspicision it’s far more than that.  Does our need for sexual and/or emotional fulfillment implore that we look outside of ourselves when it comes right down to it? I do believe the need for arousal dictates that we can be discriminating in our tastes when it comes to being fulfilled while posessing the ability and mentality to make those reservations more or less so important depending on the circumstances. This has been proven time and time again. I wanted to be pissed off for a variety of reasons, but I narrowed it down to the fact that she played into a stereotype, and the oldest in the book as it relates to straight men and lesbians, without bothering to consider the consequences. I expressed my disappointment about it, and she agreed mainly because it led us to where we’re at now.  My ex is a lesbian and I have never once thought otherwise until now. I asked a ton of questions that day, but it ended with my support of her relationship regardless of who it’s with, as long as it’s healthy and free of abuse of any kind. I don’t agree with her refusal to consider that she is quite possibly bisexual, but I respect the way she sees herself despite any reservations on my part.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show is coming. Check out some video previews over at Black Gay Gossip’s entertainment blog.

The Hard Candy Calendar Update  From the photographer/designers own pen:

The calendar is almost done. I’ve been hard at work trying to finalize everything. It won’t be long now.

That’s what she said. I’m definitely looking forward to the calendar’s completion. I’m gazing at the 2009 calendar right now and it’s looking bleak not having a 2010 version to replace it with. Please head over to the website to check out the new promo shots. There’s a new one of Kuni and I.

A Semenya Caster update: The Mail and Guardian’s website published a report by Harold Adams, ASA’s team doctor at the IAAF Championships in Berlin, claiming Leonard Chuene had reversed a decision to withdraw Caster Semenya from the 800m event after consulting senior ANC politicians.

This is probably bad news for Leonard Chuene if the reports are true. There is however dissension in the ranks. I’ll be following this story.

In my twenties…
I stopped listening to the crowd.
I never went along anyway.
And was often the odd one out.
I would find myself going.
In the opposite direction.
What I didn’t realize then.
Was that I was self-deflecting.
You know the gay saying “I can’t even think straight”.
I realized some thoughts I held onto were self-destructive as fate. I mean fuck. Insecurity took over and I’d often feel anxious about where I was going, where I would be 5-10 years from the day that a young stud would be turning twenty. Deep thoughts were not welcome because I barely knew who I was or what I wanted. I wondered whom exactly I was living for; myself or somebody else. I was losing all control and that helplessness was strongly felt. I never considered what I learned a waste though, not once. I took what I learned and never looked back. That higher learning has proven invaluable time and time again.

In my later twenties…
I started to realize that I was selfish,
And that most people inherently are.
Whether they admit it or choose to embellish.
The friendships I fostered were from afar.
Funny cause in my early twenties I didn’t quite know just who I was. I took for granted lasting friendships, thinking random girls were what was up. I realized that the most important connections I’d ever made were the ones in which I’d already lost touch. I reconnected with some, but lives take twists and turns and naturally those relationships evolve into something else if there is no growth in the interim. I blame myself mostly, for being a hermit in disguise and not thinking twice about it while on the ride that was my life.

In my early twenties…
I didn’t mind being the new person wherever I was.
Starting over and developing relationships,
But never claiming to be novice.
Personal friendships that I attained,
Are near and dear to me to this day.
I look at what I do and although it’s more than sufficient, it really isn’t anywhere close to what I thought would be intrinsic. When my opinions weren’t as strong and I wasn’t as judgmental as everyone. When rose-colored glasses were worn for fun. I lived in my head, one day at a time, while life took shape and forged right on. The boundaries I established early on were either extended or broken down. As I approached my 30 years I felt far more secure within myself.

In my middle twenties…
My decisions were no longer based on,
“it’s me against the world”
Change was no longer the enemy
And that was one hell of a battle.
I’ve learned to appreciate.
Every opportunity that comes with change.
Every learning curve that comes with age.
As life moves forward, so do I. Throughout encounters and heartbreaks. Sometimes there were breakthroughs and I’d wonder how someone I loved so much could hurt me so. Soon enough I’d be wondering how I could hurt someone I loved so much and still deserve to be loved and touched.

There comes a point in all of our lives where we go through emotions, battle with thoughts, feel lost and alone and still we’re able to come out on top. We find the answers to the questions plaguing our minds and it’s not for naught. Answers we realize through experiencing most of what life has offered us. No one has the answers to everything, but knowledge is an everlasting, evolving process and that simple concept is one I love. Upon reaching turning points we must constantly embrace change and differences and most importantly an open mind. Thought I’d never realize that having a companion means far more than having a few women on the side. Decisions are firm as I take life on. Constantly overcoming new twists and turns. I focus on what’s inside and no longer am I. All wrapped up in my own selfish wants, neglecting my needs for foolish pride. 

image by Nonetta

A Brown Girl

I Bleed Ink is an online magazine celebrating the literary and artistic talents of the LGBTQ community. We are in need of submissions for our targeted launch date of November 1, 2009.
Please submit your literary submissions as a MS Word attachment. Submissions must be original works with rights held and retained by the contributer. There are no length requirements, however, longer works of fiction may be separated into multiple posts. Submissions with an overabundance of spelling and grammar errors will not be published.
Art submissions should be submitted as clear, high resolution jpegs or gifs. This includes photography, paintings, or line drawings.
If you are a performer, such as a Spoken Word artist and you would like to submit your work, please send links to your video performances.

Let’s support, celebrate and encourage the creative minds that keep the minds of the LGBTQ community stimulated. Send your contributions to submissions@i-bleed-ink.com. Keep up with what’s happening with the magazine by adding them to your twitter. Spread the word!

I Bleed Ink, Do You?

My mom’s oldest brother was my favorite uncle. He passed away a few weeks ago from complications of an inoperable tumor. Although he was sick for some time his death was sudden. He had so much good left in him to share with others, but I know he’s in a peaceful place now. He left behind my aunt Diane, brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles. He had no children. Throughout everything, my mom has been surprisingly strong, but seeing her pain as she quietly cried at the service was particularly hard to witness.

When my mom told me my uncle passed I knew the realization that he was was gone was something she wouldn’t have to struggle with. We knew he was sick, but not the extent of his illness. We didn’t get to see him before he died, however mom talked to him on the phone for as long as he could muster just a few days before his passing. He made sure she knew how much he loved her and a few days later he was gone. I was so sad, but I knew that my sorrow couldn’t compare to how mom must have been feeling.

My uncle was a very gentle man with a deep seated spirit that centered around helping those in need. He reminded me so much of my grandmother with his sensitivity and kindness. He was quiet yet forceful and as a doctor he dedicated his life to helping others and assisting them in making important decisions about their well being. He devoted his livelihood to making a positive impact on peoples lives.  

His passing, coupled with reconnecting with my moms side of the family while at his memorial, has given me renewed resolve.  To live and love more than I have previously is a concerted effort I am gladly making. I tell my brothers and sisters just how much I care about them. I take five minutes out of my day to embrace my sappy side. More complementing, less criticizing, and lots of hugs and kisses passed around. You just never know when you’ll get to do those things again, so life has taken on a slightly altered meaning. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

I wrote this poem in honor of my uncle.

In Loving Memory: Milton David Watkins M.D. (1950-2009)

 Love Never Dies

We hold a gem in our hearts

And think of him with love today

But that is nothing new

Kind – loving  – generous

Playful and adventurous

He was full of laughter

With a spirit fun-filled

And that’s the way we’ll always remember

Dear uncle Milton

On the day you changed our family’s life

A 9-year-old’s heart swelled with pride

I never got to tell you that

You became my hero for life

Thank you for sending that white butterfly our way

You’re resting in peace with grandma now

Your body is gone but your spirit lives on

Strong while alive you spread your wings wide

And touched each and every one of us

Until the day we cross over too

Family won’t be complete

Although your bright light shines no more

We wish you the sweetest adieu

For with every tear shed

And every smile shared

We take this moment

To honor you

image by Rach