The Swag Report » Bleeding Ink

There Are Warriors Of All Kinds

Knowledge — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:22:04 +0000

“You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel no matter how hard you try.”

That quote is in reference to just some of the things I have been feeling quite deeply lately. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and much of it has to do with cancer. I can’t remember the last time my mind wasn’t focused on my partner’s battle with this destructive disease.

It’s been a little over seven months since the day she was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer following the removal of a lump in her right breast. Fear of what the future held and of the unknown immediately set in. And then chemotherapy began, which we were ill-prepared for. It was rough. No other words can accurately describe the process, but like everything else, she handled it better than most. Being surrounded with positive people, the love of family, and a unquenchable thirst for life inspired and motivated her to get through it. It was difficult but together we rode the tides, tamed the chemo dragons, and to this day continue the fight to conquer this beast called breast cancer.

There was medicine for the side effects, and more medicine to help alleviate much of the discomfort and pain after the chemotherapy concoction would rear its ugly red head which was almost always immediate. When the effects of the chemo wore off, which would only be for a day or two – she would always say something like, “I almost feel normal again”. She couldn’t handle the heat or the sun and her bones ached constantly. She walked so slow and rigid during chemo, which was a natural side effect of the achy bones, I thought she’d need a cane at one point but she overcame that hurdle.

Through the nausea, fatigue, hair loss, bone pain, muscle pain, dizziness, constant aches and emotional turmoil, her body grew weaker and her mind grew stronger toward the end of treatment. By then she was able to mentally prepare for the invasive surgery that was to follow. Surgery required the removal of several malignant lymph nodes under her right arm and both of her breasts. She’s now approaching the end of radiation therapy which is taxing but not nearly as debilitating as chemotherapy. The scars that come with radiation are more physically visible than with chemotherapy, but she’s been able to slowly return to work which she sorely missed and her optimism is just as strong now as it ever was.

There are days when I hold her tight and gaze into her eyes so she can see the love in mine. As strong willed and beautiful as the day we met – I try my best to make her see and feel that I am only doing for her what she would insist on doing for me. There was a period when she’d apologize for having cancer so often that I finally mentioned off-hand that a blind man doesn’t feel the need to apologize for having no sight – and that was the end of that.

Often, I use my dry humor to keep us going. I hold her close in bed at night because even when she seems to be in some other place emotionally, I want her to know and feel that she’s loved. I comfort her when she feels like crying her eyes out because she’s blue about something having to do with the cancer. And then I’ll try to make her laugh because I know she’ll smile again and I hate to see the light leave her eyes for even a minute. When she underwent the double mastectomy I was afraid of what it would do to her self image. I was afraid of her losing whatever it was that made her feel feminine and like a woman, but those fears were quickly alleviated.

There were a few things I had to learn to understand, accept and eventually live with. The first was mourning the onset of cancer and the loss of what our life was before its arrival. Next was mourning the loss of her breasts while celebrating the things that mattered most. Life. She wanted both breasts gone at the onset of cancer. No reconstruction was decided so there would be less headache and worry later on down the line.

I learned that breast cancer serves as a major catalyst for women and their loved ones to change how they are living. I was in shock for the most part in the beginning. I’m finally at a place where I’m finding my bearings and learning how to navigate in this cancer culture which I now recognize as an epidemic. It would be awhile before I resigned myself to the facts of what was happening to our lives. But by then I was already determined to see her through every step of the way.

Myself and so many others have prayed that she have the strength to endure this battle and so far she has. Together we learned to decipher what things we had control over and what things we didn’t. Life becomes so much clearer once you begin to understand your role in it in so far as what ever it is you’re going through. The unexpected is the worst when it comes to cancer, so knowing as much as possible about what she’d potentially face became a driving force. Still, the learning curve processes on a daily basis.

I learned to listen to and adapt to my partner’s wants and needs all over again. Not only to her vocal demands but also to what I could see and feel just by looking at her and seeing with my own two eyes what signals her body was sending. She doesn’t always complain about the discomfort and pain but most times she doesn’t have to… I can see it in her eyes.

Any cancer diagnosis is scary but the more educated you are about the particular type the less frightening it will be. It is a lack of support and the unknown that can do you in before the cancer

Cancer hasn’t destroyed us, it’s made us stronger.

My partner and her parents will be walking in a half-marathon taking place on Feb. 12, 2012 at the Breast Cancer Marathon in Jacksonville Beach, FL. Here’s where you can donate directly to the cause:

This wonderful organization helps women and warriors of all kinds in their fight against breast cancer.

A Labor of Love

Knowledge — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 19:11:52 +0000

The first few months following my daughter’s birth were an absolute whirlwind. Primarily a result of my increasing insecurity, exacerbated by semi-crippling anxiety about whether or not I’d be the best parent I could possibly be for her. I worried that our bond would be negatively impacted if our legal relationship, especially, was to never be fully recognized. I worried about things I didn’t properly prepare for while overlooking the beauty in the whole of the experience.

I was full of anxiety in the beginning. As you may know, fear of the unknown can bring about its own self-destruction if you allow it to. Thoughts are that powerful, especially our own, and mine were getting in the way of my happiness. Instead of going with the flow I sort of, for a while, helped the darkness descend by thinking of the worst possible scenarios imaginable. I let fear dictate instead my steps instead of allowing love to lead me. And I learned a valuable lesson.

My biological clock or my logical brain, whichever, would not allow me to forgo the opportunity to raise a child, although I would have waited another lifetime or two to enjoy the experience under the most perfect circumstances possible, I knew that this was my time. Nine months later the most beautiful and complete love I’ve ever felt for another human being came to fruition. My daughter is my heart and soul, and the deep love I have for her makes me feel more spiritually alive and aware than I have ever felt.

My relationship as her second parent and other mother is simply too beautiful and unique to be contained; I honestly don’t know how I do it sometimes. But ultimately, I had to be comfortable with being a parent before anything else would truly matter.

My girlfriend continues to be a super supportive of our unique little situation, and although she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer that role has not changed. In fact, everyone has had to make some serious adjustments, but the labor of love continues, and stops for no one. The cycle of care and healing has shifted from mommy and baby Zoey to my girlfriend who is now fighting for survival. From supporting my decision to co-parent with my ex-girlfriend who has remained a close friend – to doing everything she possibly could to ensure that life at home was comfortable for all of us. In essence, she has been a pillar of strength – she’s ride or die to the very end. She was in the delivery room as I stood bedside and watched my daughter being born, so standing at her bedside while she has endured multiple chemotherapy treatments, a multitude of pokes, prods, and some seriously major surgery - has been more so eye opening.

Honestly, as unique as our situation may be, my daughter is the happiest baby I know – and I may or may not just be saying that because she’s mine, but I really mean it. And I can’t help but be thankful for the role that our nurturing natures and our positively fueled environment, which we all contribute to, plays in her life.

With my girlfriend’s constant battle against cancer on the daily horizon, some days are tougher than others, and Mama said there’d be days like this, but she never said that a baby’s precious smile and laughter had the propensity to make everything okay in that moment. Thankfully, my daughter is extremely ticklish, just like her ‘boppy’.

Deciphering A Purpose

Knowledge — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 18:00:50 +0000

Every day I reflect on the person I am becoming.
A constant work in progress I used to call myself, but it’s more like a constantly evolving process in which I’m resolving my former doubt – living life as I know how.
There are times when eliminating toxic things and people from my world take their toll.
But I work on becoming a better me anyway because no one’s path is paved in gold.
I work on recognizing my thoughts, feelings, wants and needs for what they are and addressing them accordingly.
I accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can when I’m avoiding complacency.
Is life meant to be enjoyed or is it a discovery of sorts… that will constantly leave you wondering what else there is in store.
It is meant to be questioned, challenged, debated and argued about.
It is meant to be a learning journey, a perpetual adventure for knowledge or doubt.
In depth or not, when we come to the end of our road are we supposed to be able to walk away from it all?
With the knowledge that our existence made a difference, no matter how big or small?
It means something to more than just friends and family and the odd stranger we run across along the way.
Paying it forward is life’s biggest reward – and presents an unexpected payday.
Doing nice things for random people and expecting nothing in return – now that’s an exceptional display of human nature at its most basic form.
Speaking up when injustices occur. Takes bravery and courage. Not becoming the root cause of our problems, just like with happiness, means moving forward.
Every one of us, fighting daily battles to overcome and advance in the struggles for and against and for what?
Strengths and weaknesses are put to the forefront and wrestled with every day.
The grind is constant, like prophets and the many sights they’ve seen (scene) and played.
We are always being watched; observed and whether or not we recognize it, these occurrences hold special importance for each and every one of us.
Our ancestors are watching, believe it or not.
There have been times where I have given no care in the world and have subsequently done things I am most definitely ashamed of.
I wonder, will they still embrace the love that lives within my heart, dispersing itself to all my nerve endings… is the finish dictated by the start.
Deep regret was a distant but close relative of mine and in the same vein love overcomes all of that in time.
Regret, but restart your engine please.
Begin again regardless of any pending vacancy.
It’s important to care and equally so is the importance of fostering meaningful friendships on a level that’s fair. Where all is equally laid to bare.
More so is the importance of sometimes doing things you don’t want to for the greater good, i.e. fostering kinship’s. Pulling myself out of the occasional rut; a key component to success so when I’m in that rut and doing terribly I can ask, “why is this?” and know exactly why this is.
Achieving takes more than believing. When I get stuck, I have to patiently become undone using whatever it takes. Whether it be blood or spilling my guts, peeling off the outer shell before cracking more nuts.
Because it’s so easy to get stuck and feel helpless when you know all that you can accomplish can only be done when you are selfless.
Embracing my fears, while remaining fearless. Unafraid of shedding tears, because showing emotions is courageous. Peer pressure can bear down and cause the opposite effect.
When buried at the root, that’s where you’ll find the isolated problem, and what can happen is that we start looking for someone or something to lift us up without lifting a hand to assist with it ourselves.
We should be looking to our God or some other higher power or whoever it is we believe in, not only to give us strength, but to help us find the power within ourselves to carry on and persist.
To live. To exist. The best lessons are learned hardest and I’m certain I’ll have to teach myself most of the important ones all over again.
And mostly for love when the lack of it is threatening.
It’s necessary to do this when we forget how to exist.
How to put forward our best foot and allow the other to create its own footstep.
Like my dad sometimes says, “we often revert back to the fundamentals no matter what the discipline.”
The fundamentals align with the bigger picture and we expand upon them.
Every single day, expounding upon the basics so to say.
It’s important that we practice taking the necessary steps to ensure that we possess the ability to dig so deep within that we feel as if we might become lost in the bottom.
And although we know exactly what’s needed to reach into that place and then back out of that sometimes unsavory space, we do it anyway.
Use that power and energy… to pull ourselves out of the quick sand because life is short and goes by too fast.
And like quick sand if you’re not fast enough you can sink right in.
Everyone deserves happiness and contentment, but not at the purposeful disadvantage of others, even ourselves and how we’re living.
No exceptions.
Life, for everyone, is not whole, but life as a whole is a work in progress for all to dig our heels in, but don’t forget to alleviate our stress.
Answer the call.
On a continuum of continuity. That there’s life. It goes on, infinitely.
And there’s nothing, not a damn thing wrong with accessing the full potential of the human genome.
Our bodies, ourselves - following a natural pursuit of using life as a tool bodes well.
Ironically, that is exactly what happens whether or not we stop to acknowledge and pay tribute to our prowess, especially if it is of the good variety.
Everything we do in life harbors growth.
Spirit, energy, it never dies, and is always searching, for another place another time – another life or an alternate purpose.
Every time we love it is passed on to the next person – place or thing. It’s never too far gone from life’s quilted seams.
Every moment of our lives can be penetrated and what’s derived is the very best and worst that our souls have sacrificed in payment.
With every breath drawn, a canvas is created and artistry never knew such a beautiful diversion until our last breath drawn out makes every moment spent on this earth and beyond…
Most truly worthwhile.

Knowledge Evolves In Search of Truth

Knowledge — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 22:37:49 +0000

My quest for knowledge revolves around the search for truth, pure and unadulterated. Consequently, the quasi-knowledge I once held evolves while in search of its very distant cousin; truth. As a constant work in progress, I can’t help but acknowledge that I am a part of a fascinating experience where the obvious isn’t always what it seems, where reality and duality take on dual meanings best reserved for those whose eyes are as wide open as their hearts, minds and souls. This vessel that we call Earth is as intricate as we are as human beings, and as it carries us as hosts with its awe-inspiring wonder, we think we know almost everything there is to know about the world in which we live, but we don’t. The real question is, have we even scratched the surface yet? We can’t possible know the ins and outs of Earth, our home, without first knowing ourselves best and then trying to understand our role in the universe.

The Earth is a vast astronomical beauty; a breathtaking celestial body of immense importance and it is being apart of this collective that I consider one of the most unique experiences that most of us will ever have in this lifetime. Everything I have done leading up to every new day has felt like an experience, a training ground in some respects, yet I know that through certain choices I’ve made in the past, I have deprived myself and so many others of mutually beneficial, positive experiences because I didn’t give credence to the idea that we are all connected some way, some how and everything we do carries with it significant meaning; the good, the bad and the ugly.

I remember being chosen to take part in the Space Program in the 8th grade. I was a year younger than everyone else and as nervous as a butterfly fluttering about; my stomach was in a ball of knots leading up to “take off”, but when it came time for us to be sequestered in our man-made space craft that covered almost the length of the school gymnasium’s stage, I suddenly felt at ease. I knew what my mission entailed and the experiments that we were to carry out, and with it, my goal was set. I had an agenda to carry out along with the other crew members, and we all knew well our purpose. That experience should have been a life changing one for me, but because I did not understand the importance of opportunities like that and others that were placed in front of me, I didn’t appreciate the experience then as much as I do when I look back now. That same year I was chosen among a select few students to learn Ham Radio, something I only now appreciate learning as an adult.

We all make difficult choices throughout our lives, not always on the basis of clear thinking, but still knowing and understanding through natural instinct that everything we do carries with it consequences both great and small. Daily, we lend our voice and passion to a continuation and progression of a subject matter; life and the continuation of it, which is representative of every human being walking the earth today, covering all of society in one fell swoop. My heart had never stopped searching for a purpose, a meaning, a quest, and for the longest time I didn’t know or understand, or perhaps I wasn’t ready to know and subconsciously understand that I could not handle the truth once upon a time. The majority of human beings are stuck on that very same wheel going round and round with no fulfilling end in sight, but that is only temporary. We all become ready in our own time.

I have come to a point in my life where I understand, at a very basic level, that every one of us affects the other in absolutely everything we do, everything we think and most importantly, that which we recognize as feelings and emotions vibrate all around us like an energy field, and those vibrations we uniquely refer to as vibes are realer than anything we have ever seen with the naked eye or felt with the gentlest of touch. Even self-destructive tendencies and behaviors bleed into a great basin, the main chasm that affects countless people and things all around us. Our energy affects others just as their energies affect us. This is because each action carries with it a reaction and our energy is so powerful, we have a truly difficult time ever mastering it, if ever at all. I don’t wish to master, but simply to understand my purpose, my calling.

We must be responsible for the energy we draw from ourselves onto others, including the earth, which feels and is affected by everything we do to it, like dropping bombs. The earth relates to us and we to it because it is from there we come and go back to at our journey’s end. There is a great attempt underway to forge together or to tear apart, but to ultimately attain a level of understanding and enlightenment through spiritual uniformity while also retaining aspects of the individuality that makes us unique to ourselves even as we are one.

Waking up from an unreality that had been wholly unfulfilling and realizing that even though we’re denied vast amounts of knowledge dating back centuries to the very first man, history and truth are right in front of our eyes at every waking hour of every day, and we are not denied the right to live, breathe and pursue the truth of our past in spite of or despite it being purposely hidden in plain sight. Awakening from the deepest of slumbers is a mold-breaking, mind-blowing, toe curling occurrence because you don’t yet understand how awe inspiring this life we’ve been given truly is, but you know something incredible lurks just beneath the surface.

When a mission is not realized, the task cannot be completed. We have survived numerous previous civilizations, but our work is not yet complete.

I feel blessed in every way. For once you are awakened, there is no turning back. Willful ignorance is no longer an option, in fact, it is completely illogical to be content with living an absolute illusion. I include myself with a minority of like-minded free thinkers on their own quests to develop a greater understanding of the forces and powers that be that move us all either together or apart, i.e. science, religion, dogma, superstition. When what we need to do literally to heal the world and make it a better, safer place for everyone is to respect each others journey and most importantly to respect each other as human beings.

Leading a horse to water does not automatically mean he’ll drink. You can plant a seed in ones mind; an idea, a mindset, but you must wait to see what blossoms and develops over time. I firmly believe that our experiences as human beings are the most unique, focused, and flexible freedom of thought and physical direction that we will ever experience in life, but not everyone gets to indulge in this priceless gift. Freedom is but a dream for some. It is our duty to make the absolute best out of life for ourselves and others, but how can that dream be realized when most don’t know what they’re here for. The need to know is great, the desire for answers almost indescribable, but the thing I always keep in mind is that no matter what happens here on this Earth, God is greater than all of it.

Relationships: Cancer Changes Everything

Knowledge — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 23:46:56 +0000

(circa 1998)

Where is my will
Where has my spirit gone
Flown away like a dove
Released and peaceful
Yet I am not pure
All perfection a figment
Always the occupant
Of mortal thoughts
Imperfect premises
Must it be this way
A constant contemplate…

We went from being at peace to declaring war in a matter of days. I absorbed the shock the best way I knew how. By comparing my life to a Shakespearean play full of tragedy and rich with history and possibility, but without the comedy, so then I could attempt to rationalize why this was happening to her… to us. I was emotional, but not a wreck. I broke down along with my heart and forgot how to think, but I still questioned. I felt dull inside for a few seconds, but I was still strong as she clung to me. I was glad the broken pieces and her tears were falling in between us.

For as long as I can remember, no amount of human consolation has ever been enough to dispel the constant worry I’ve had about my loved ones and mortality. I was always on another level. I imagined what must have been going through my girlfriend’s mind. Stage 3, where it’s A or B, only time will tell and we still don’t know. At least not right now. How we went from planning summer vacations and visits to see family to being hit by a train carrying the speed of light… still escapes me. Or maybe it’s me that seeks to escape it, but there’s no escaping cancer. You have to fight to beat it, but the hardest part is not giving up hope. You can’t concede it. I remind myself daily that life isn’t fair, but it’s tough to operate on the same level when you know the threat is there.

I wanted to stop writing altogether because no words came easy and for once I didn’t want to express my pain and frustration, but that wasn’t working out well. The bottling of any emotion, especially pain, can result in something even more undesirable like depression, or worse. Disdain. It was only bearable when I was alone with my thoughts. Why cancer? Why now? Why her? Why us? But… I had to stop for a moment and seek a higher power. I never lost faith, I started out a devout follower. But I broke free of those chains directing my questions to the higher power. He told me to look within. You see… knowledge of self projects a mirror image so powerful it recognizes everything, but it’s up to us to bring it to light. Do you follow me? It s up to us to dig deeper, and so I dug. It was because as much as we think we know ourselves we’re not all knowing about ourselves or any one thing for that matter. Because we never wanted to know or because we never knew we were supposed to know. Whichever is to blame. I went on a quest to reclaim my spirituality. Before I grew tired of writing about things that required me to reach further into myself because the deeper I got the more I could see clearly for the first time, I recorded my thoughts. I began having to contend with things that were distracting me from the reality of what we were facing; cancer, and overall I was reminded of a younger me; feeling all vulnerable and shit when I got back into the thick of things. Still, I write.

Part One.

Cancer changes everything

The cancer diagnosis gave butterfly kicks
But not the kind you get when
Love flutters in – no
The girl I met on the Las Vegas strip
Was not the same woman that I remembered
Her neck down, bent
No mask covering her head
Just bald and beautiful
Although she doesn’t think she is
Not realizing she is among the best of them
No play pretend
I remember this:
Her sweet nothings to me were like birthday gifts
Another lesson is:
It is not just for men, to cry in private
Private tears aren’t attached to no exclusive nothin’
Try as they might to hide it
Those rivers mean something
And speaking of something
Let me speak of my woman
How surreal our present direction is going
How life can trick
Like some cruel and unusual punishment
Emotional up close yet feeling so distant
When it came to loving you
I eventually threw all my cards in
I used to feel like it was dutiful
But now I know I had no clue about it
How I was made for you
How you’re fighting this fight
Because you were chosen to
After all the weigh ins and chemo treatments
The show goes on for the rest of you
But for us it takes on new meaning

Part Two.

We understand clearly

Now our roles are two fold
How the way I guard my state
Won’t make true lies withhold
Yeah she tried to penetrate
I think I let her and held on
“I take prisoners!” my brain elated
On second thought, I yelled “Oh no!”
Trying to fan my flames
Will only get you smoked
My brain is not fried
I prefer slow roasted
I can’t concentrate on shit
Wondering…
“Is the tumor growing?”
If I wear a thinking cap
“Will it stop my head from exploding?”
Unanswered questions coupled with extreme self-loathing
Pushing me further into my emotions
The boat’s weighed down but not floating
Then a thought creeps silently in
Flashback to x-rays against a bright screen
How we examined searching for light spots that gleemed
My thoughts all over the place
Not concentrating on a single thing
Just two in fact
You and me
and love and peace
Too many things
So I count blessings
Otherwise shit gets too deep

Whatever Feels Right

Knowledge — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 18:00:32 +0000

I’ve written thousands of words dedicated to memories of you. How you swept through me like a tornado, left stormy thoughts encased in halos. Already knowing what the ending would be, but craving its heyday. For out of the chaos would come something beautiful. A warm sun, mid-day. The only one I could always count on before you was me anyway. They say I love too much, but I can’t help but reach for that peak even when I’m troubled by it being so far out of reach. I can’t help but want you to reach your peak in everything you set your mind to, especially as it relates to me. Luckily, I’ve always got a little time to set aside for academia, so to speak. So if being taught by hand means you’ll use my body as a blackboard, let’s chalk it up. With your permission, I’m asking to use your mental as my canvas. Let your knowledge pour down all over me as thoughts pay it forward like advances. Free flowing from distractions, writing blocked by self-possessing, carpal tunnel syndrome’s like – hand cramps and neck aches as words form like soft clay. We swapped intelligence in snide, remarks made in hind-sight made me feel like – I can drop a dope acapella, but you still ain’t seeing me, right? I felt like I was laying on a hot bed of deep despair, like I died a little death, but my spiritual reflection stayed clear. The illest beat I could ever conjure was from a broken kiss, a final lick, a switch of the hips, damn – my girl’s the shit, type of ganja. I mean, type of muse, that is. For lack of better words or emotion-full phrases; with her I want to sync lips, and dig my teeth in, and trace letters to and fro, from the nape of necks to below mid-sections. We go back and forth, and different strokes you ain’t protesting, just as long as I dive deep enough to get lost all up in it. The way I think, it’s like venom, but my passionate potion gives life. To anyone whose ever drank from it, they know my passion is rife. Or ripe – whatever letters accurately project my rhyme scheme’s whatever – I’m wrapped tight. Like a fist, gripping. Like feelings, growing. Natural disasters may crop up along the way, but are promptly alleviated, left in subtle disarray. Still my hunger builds and I strive, but vertical isn’t the only way to grow, or to thrive. No side-eyed, side-ways glances that sting, barely touching with ill intent – but bringing out the best in me. The purpose is to upend, uplift, and eventually – reinvent my spirit which is spent from not enough vent. Elation, ’cause I’ve never been afraid to fall in love, just out of. Not even the pain and what can arise from love other than what’s pleasurable can be unbearable. Like a butterfly unable to break free of its cocoon – despair ensues. So, I reach for higher heights, and slide fingers across places previously deemed as risky flights. I siphon sights and process data, then cypher fights with lyrical gangsta. I bare my all for you, and in return, you shed every thread and fabric intended to avoid your flesh reacting to another’s powerful – grip. You bare it all too. But I hold onto every love I’ve ever adorned, every trophy I’ve ever worn, from love to sports to sporting love. I hold out my hands to the one above and beg forgiveness for not giving my all. I am forgiven, for this one reason, I managed to pen you a poem, written in a journal, riddled with apologies that I could foresee a long time ago. I wrote you into existence, and now that you’re here, would you mind being more than just a spoken word or poetic blurb – ’cause when you’re gone I won’t shed a tear. I’m demanding far more. Although the other figments of my imagination have been cropped and edited they’re long gone, and I’ve anticipated my departure for months now – from writers block.

Breast Cancer Blues

Knowledge — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 17:00:00 +0000

I have often been asked to write about particular topics, as those who know me know that my life has been an eventful one, and I usually have distinct knowledge of the subject matter in question.

At last I have come to a turning point where I’ll be addressing subject matter that is not foreign to me, but that which I have no intimate experience with or knowledge of outside of reading and hearing about others unfortunate experiences; or dealing with the outcome when its tragic reach has impacted friends and distant family alike.

What I attempted to do with the news that I received yesterday was to hastily gather together my thoughts to sketch them on paper, in writing, exactly as they came to me. It went something like shock, fear, and profound sadness all at once. An overflowing of stunned emotion gripped at me, and my thoughts became paralyzed.

Yesterday is a day I will never forget.

Yesterday, my girlfriend was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Exactly 7 days after I celebrated my birthday, and 19 days before we celebrate hers.

Two years ago we went through a similar process when a lump was discovered, but after a biposy was administered it was found to be a cyst that would only need to be monitored, not treated or removed.

Fast forward two years. Recently, through a self-breast examination, she felt a hard lump in her right breast. She scheduled a doctor’s appointment to get it checked out, and following the biopsy was a phone call from the doctor confirming the terrifying diagnosis. Our greatest fear was realized and the love of my life was diagnosed with cancer.

What follows a diagnosis like this is almost too unreal to be imagined, so I allowed the numbness to overcome instead. I know that as I gaze back on our wide panorama of the past we’ve shared together, I realize with everything in me that we are in for the fight of our lives, but we are in it together.

My girlfriend has beat both cervical and skin cancer in the past. I wasn’t apart of her life then, but I’ll be by her side every step of the way now. We have always been able to talk through difficult issues, and I believe that ability will carry us through the uncertain times that lie ahead.

I’m not writing for myself and my own peace of mind as much as I am writing for the both of us. I glance over our life together and there are incidents that prominently stand out in my mind, but the most memorable being that my girlfriend has always been and will always be the strongest and bravest fighter I know. She is the ultimate survivor.

This fight is no different, I tell myself, because it absolutely scares the shit out of me.

Upon hearing the news I felt as if the wind was snatched from my body and propelled elsewhere for a few moments. It was a reality check that no one could have properly prepared me for. It proves how much control over our lives we don’t really have when it all comes down to it, but that doesn’t alleviate our desire to try to master our destiny.

I could do nothing except hold my girlfriend in my arms for as long as I possibly could and let my tears fall in unison with hers.

Currently, I’m feeling a number of conflicting emotions, but I’m certain even they will change over the course of time. They’ll run the gamut over the next few weeks especially. Fear and uncertainty are tantamount at present time.

Cancer is something I can’t protect her from. I even felt guilt of the “why her, not me” variety until I realized that I was in effect being stupidly selfish because it was what it was and there was nothing I or anyone could do to change it.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not overwhelmed, but I must also follow that up by stating that the outpouring of love and support from our friends and family has been equally overwhelming. It is needed and appreciated more than any of them could know.

My current motto: 4F – Faith, Family, Friends, and Fuck Cancer.

Who I Am

Knowledge — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 20:47:43 +0000

I am a hoarder; of secrets, thoughts, wants and desires. Of good books and journals. The way a beautiful woman’s smile – lightens a mood, a home, sparking memories that I’ll never forget. Long gone are meaningless sentiments that have often been disregarded. I’ve done nothing in my power to forget the past tense, ’cause of all the love that flows from me; my past accounts for all of it.

I am prone to addiction, self-depreciation, and criticism. Whether it is a battle against restlessness or thoughts that lead to actions I might later regret. Even a book – I can’t stop reading until the part where the story ends. Good lyrics and good women. Hell, even analyzing failed relationships. I am addicted to love, sans the rejection it sometimes brings. I no longer question it though, because that’s just who I am.

My love for my family, who mean the world to me, is unconditional. My good friends won’t let me forget when I am being a selfish ass, and sometimes my intentions come across as mean spirited. But to know me is to understand that I am a highly passionate being and -peace & love is my thing, and that’s what I’m gonna to leave it at.

I’m a nerd and a jock. As funny as a broken leg without a crutch. I read a lot; ask anyone, they’ll say “yep, she does”. I pour through pages of books; wish I could read every last one. Even if the book cover appears to be as boring as Native Son’s. I like to know things, that’s why I’m also known as Knowledge. Not to be nosy or corny, I look to the heart of the matter with logic. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am a constant work in progress.

In love, I am a challenge. Taking you from one extreme to the other. But, I’ll let you have the last when we run out of words for one another. Feelings of all sort live very strong in me. I’ll put it bluntly to get you to notice whatever it is you’re not noticing.

I give second chances because I know how it feels to be branded. And if my freedom is restricted, I’ll go the distance to expand it. I’ll make a play at brightening your day by spreading a smile across my face. You can expect that I will sometimes assume shit based on good intent, and there will be times when my good intentions will land me on someone else’s shit list.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as flawed as I am. And a little less distant when it comes to family and friends. I might appear quiet, but I’m always running off at the head. Relentless in that aspect. Won’t stop ’til I’m kicking the bucket. My ego may need a knock down every once in a while. But only the times when I’m kinda sorta feeling myself.

I am strong enough to handle any consequences my actions bring. When I get angry, I’m quick to forgive, but like most, don’t forget a thing. I think of myself as balanced; as much masculine as I am feminine. When in hot pursuit of anything, I am thoroughly focused. When you cross my mind, I take mental notes in hopes that you’ll notice.

In the past, I’ve been unfaithful, but I won’t allow you to think any less of me. It ain’t up for debating, unless we’re extrapolating historical prophecy. You see, in my pursuit of truth, I remain consciously astute. I’ve got no problem questioning things, just like my parents taught me to.

There are times when I am neglectful, but it is never done on purpose. And at times I can be forgetful, so I put myself on notice. I hope they know it – and understand that I might not show it – but the demands placed at my hands can often overwhelm me to the point of feeling hopeless.

But Hope Lives.

And I may not always speak up, but my heart holds within it – a certain sentiment. Since every day is give and take, I’m easily inspired by new inspiration.

No matter what anyone says… just know that I am who I say I am.

Introducing Rebel & Rene

First Things First

Knowledge — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 23:11:42 +0000

Regarding the title of this blog. Well, it’s stupid really. You know on those celebrity gossip blogs where the first person to leave a comment on a new story usually resorts to posting this one line of idiocy, “first!” as if there is some prize to be won or extra in depth knowledge to be derived from being the first person to give a damn enough to leave a comment in the first place.

Well, it’s not that serious.

What I do know is that I’m the first to admit that I haven’t written anything of substance in quite some time. So my intent with this post is to sort of revive my writing process, to bring it back from the grave. I host a blog on tumblr that doesn’t allow me the leniency to write the way that I need, nor would I ever imagine being as liberal there as I am here. I tried to let that be the place where I could just say anything and everything that came to mind, but it didn’t quite work out the way I imagined. Either way, I’m right back to writing my heart. The good the bad and the ugly parts. Each thought written as raw and haphazard as it was before it existed in my head.

With that said, here goes a little something.

On my tumblr blog I composed and saved a couple of posts I intended to edit and eventually publish at a later date. I had quite a few saved up; 7 at least, with the bulk of them containing well over 1500 words because that’s how I process thoughts. In a flurry. I’m a long-winded motherfucker, and I make no apologies.

Low and behold, one day I’m cleaning out my tumblr dashboard, which is full of saved drafts, unused blog titles, and so on. I’m narrowing shit down, editing, deleting and generally cleaning out my writing closet of all the cob-webs, useful rumbling and useless dilapidated musings. As I was cleaning out the old drafts and doing everything I could to will myself into publishing at least one of the juicy blogs I had been saving up for a rainy day, I decided not to and moved on to something else. Typical.

A few weeks later I discovered, to my dismay, that all of the saved drafts had been deleted!!! Poof, gone. Every single one of them.

I stopped and tried not to think and when that failed I tried to forget what I thought had just occurred. It was painful to say the least. Like watching the pages of a well worn college-ruled notebook get torn apart. Jagged chunks ripping from every which side of the pad. Every angle a shredded mess containing much of what can absolutely be considered substance. In fact, I’m still sad about it. Not because I am rendered unable to share those thoughts, but mostly because they are long gone even to me. Nothing more than scribbled remnants of an active imagination left behind. Yeah, I could re-write and replace the old words with new ones but ultimately I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe those thoughts were better left in my head.

Initially, I ascertained that someone else may have compromised the security of my blog, but in the end I blame no one but my damn self, and maybe tumblr’s sorry excuse for a “queue” for which one of my scheduled posts simply vanished into thin air. Despite any of this, I’m back on my writing grind.

Unforgettable

Knowledge — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 16:30:23 +0000

Under normal circumstances, I would have refused her offer, but these were unusual circumstances and I was in no mood to refuse anything. Not from her. She did not know it yet, but I was never one for carrying on casual relationships. Not in any sense of the word. That is completely outside of my comfort zone. Although my reputation was not solidly etched, my feet weren’t touching the ground, and my head, along with my heart were somewhere deep in the clouds. An intelligent player I often called myself, as if that mattered or added some bit of credence to the fact that I already had a girl, and was only playing myself. Casual anything was never my style. No one-night stands, or random lap dancing, no wrapping my tongue around someone else’s woman. No, none of that. To indulge secretly meant giving a teeny tiny piece of me to someone else. And the combination of her words, slick as hell, and her timing, which she obviously could tell, were impeccable. The invisible little women hovering above each of my shoulders made me think that maybe I could play a different role for a change. Maybe I would even like the way she’d call my name.

The truth is, I thought I could do it because the woman at the helm did inspire in me something I’d never felt. With others, I could find a safe retreat from whatever plagued me. That meant I did not have to think, I could just forget about everything. Rinse, and repeat. But loving easy never meant that my own desperate need for reciprocity was being met. She didn’t look at me in any way in particular, no judging that I was aware of or pointing out flaws with indexed fingers. She was seeing me through the discrepancies. She inspired in me something, particularly the fulfilling of one need. A right of passage, so to speak. There were no lines that she was given, no careful planning to avoid sinning. I kept the fairytales at bay, so I could tell a story someday.

At the time, there was no story there. No words or sounds, no worrying. She was simply an interruption, a blip on a vast horizon of thoughts I had. Kind of like coming upon a vestibule and finding absolutely no place to hide in. She was safe or so I thought, not knowing kindness could be mistaken for love. She was just one of the many options that I pretended to like choosing from.
But nothing with me is casual, not even my silence is accidental. She accepted all of it, but still wanted me to be her protagonist. My response was reactionary, and her face, I could have framed. For it resembled my ego, and was as fragile as it came.

It would have been too easy. Too safe. It would not matter how much I loved or how much she longed, it would have hurt in the long run. I did not jump without any consideration. Although I had my spot already picked out, and the air felt paper-thin. I was as tight fisted as a heart, resisting the urge to fall deeper in.

I did not… no, I refused to rip her pages out that easily. I valued the entire book, but my outlook did not present this as an ideal situation. Still, I did not refuse, I could not refuse, and there was something about her that made me choose.

When I accepted, we played the game. Our roles had no rules. The manuscript was as loose as an unbound page. I choose to role-play, and to create plots in stories. The reason I did not refuse her is because I am not the causal type. Every thing I do I insist on throwing myself into. Most people, mind you, cannot handle that. They claim otherwise, but perception is just as blind as it was at birth. With their 20/400 vision having asses, filling unnecessary space with dispassionate worth. Focused on watching faces instead of reading minds. Trying to learn the game, but lacking any spine. Hard for no reason, oh wait, they claim it’s to get by.

But that is not why I did not refuse her. For a long time I believed that the one who became my soul mate would eventually leave. I almost stopped believing in love. It was a lesson I learned after losing my first. She made me feel more alive than I ever imagined, and when she was done toying with me it hurt. It left a hole in my soul that never dispersed. She lived a life of regrets and I wallowed in her world. We believed that we could save each other from peril.

The reason I did not refuse her is because she taught me. She taught me how to love without fearing its loss. She taught me to love myself, and asked for absolutely nothing in return.