She had just finished reading one of my blogs, A Year Later Continued, and the incident I described on the football field resonated strongly with her because there was a similar one that occurred a few years prior to that. That incident did involve her, but the one in that post did not. I wasn’t surprised by the question, but the truth was, they were two entirely separate incidents that mirrored each other. I can’ t even say they were isolated because they both involved me and my womanizing ass ways. 

Even then, she wasn’t my mistress, she was my ex-girlfriend, however we remained physically and emotionally close after my affair effectively ended our relationship.

What happened that day isn’t entirely clear, and I’ve resigned myself to the idea that it may never be. But, by the time it was over, our flag-football team had placed 3rd in the 2006 Chicago Gay Games. We won the bronze medal, but I missed the team photograph on the field, and the celebration that followed because immediately after winning, I  high-tailed it to the sidelines, where an angry ex-girlfriend was waiting, staring me down. She held my cell phone in one hand, and a tiny balled up fist in the other.

I jogged over to where she was standing. I was furious too. She’d been pacing at one end of the side line ever since halftime started, talking on the phone. I didn’t know it yet, but she had been talking on my phone as I played ball.

We immediately started arguing, but I moved us as far away from the sidelines as possible. We were standing on the sidewalk by then. She didn’t live very far from the field so I invited her to watch the game, except she hadn’t really been watching at all. 

The late afternoon rain delayed the final women’s games, but by the time we ventured out of the athletic field house, the July air had warmed so much that we were able to resume game play. It was on. After losing the first game against a great team out of Florida, we went on to dominate the next two games, landing ourselves a chance at the bronze medal. I don’t know how I made it through the second half of the game because my mind was not in it. My mind was heavy, thoughts focused on my girlfriend and my mistress. My eyes, however,  focused on my ex who stood at the opposite end of the field chatting away while stealing glares at me in between.

Sometime during the second half  she went through my duffel bag. I was oblivious to everything until the second half. Fans don’t typically cheer from the sidelines at these types of venues, so the fact that she  was standing there was out of the ordinary. I knew something was up.

Later on I learned that she asked my girlfriend to come to her apartment, even provided directions and her phone number for reference. She was fierce then, and she’s fierce now.

I learned that in addition to going through my things, she took it upon herself to give (some) [most] \all/ the women in my contact list a friendly call.  They didn’t argue, fuss or fight either. Scorned women have that way about them when they come together, and the focus is on the same individual. They shared bits and pieces and details of their lives and discussed them in conjunction with mine. Relationships were dissected and my character, obviously, deservedly, ripped the fuck up.

What could I say to all of that? Let me explain to you what I was feeling inside. It went something like, “Oh shit, how the hell am I going to fix all of this?”  I was willing to take the emotional blows, but only because I was still considering my feelings above anyone else’s, making excuses along the way. She called my mistress, too, who was also a gay games participant. She was practicing for the closing ceremonies or else she would have been there that day. I was juggling many women.

And don’t think for a minute that juggling more than the required is some badge of honor, a thing I aimed for just for the “fun” of it. There are no bragging rights that come with multiple women being in love with you. I developed a problem pattern of burying my issues in women. Particularly, fears of abandonment, but I’ll write more about that later.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. A Year Later Continued
2. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love
3. The Dark Side of Valentine’s

So…

Let’s just say, things are a bit complicated, but I cherish our friendship as I always have. We share a bond that I have been reluctant to recognize as potentially damaging to my current relationship because of fact that I am extremely open about everything that goes on between us. We’ve been talking on the phone a lot lately and in doing so I could tell my baby was becoming annoyed, albeit understanding that something was in the air, but still, slightly annoyed. To be honest, so was I. My ex was calling a lot and nonetheless, I knew something was wrong although she wasn’t ready to tell me what, but my impatience was growing. I asked about her relationship with D to find out how things had been progressing. She’d give generic replies, not really saying much, but I could sense an underlying sadness that I equated to her new bout of “loving pains”.

What I do know is she hasn’t struggled with trying to find her place in the LGBT community like I thought she would. When she initially told me that she had begun dating a guy, I was surprised, but it’s not something we talk about in depth anymore because so many other things have happened since January. In her mind, she feels like she belongs, she still wants to belong to the LGBT community. It’s not my place to push anyone to identify as something just because it would make me feel more comfortable. I’m comfortable with my own identity so I dug deep to find acceptance of hers, even if she doesn’t know what it is yet. When it comes right down to it, it’s a very private and personal matter, and she is the only person allowed to define who she is.

No doubt, living hundreds of miles apart helps us more than it hurts, but being an open book has its advantages and disadvantages.

My girlfriend caught on long before my ex told me. She made a few comments to its effect on more than one occasion, but I never paid her any mind because I figure “she see me talkin’, she hatin’ – eye rollin’ – she tryin’ to catch me talkin’ dirty. Yeah… not happenin’ babe. However, my girl’s suspicions caused me to take pause and straight out ask my ex what was really going on. Things she should have been discussing with her man, she was discussing with me. I wasn’t comfortable with it any more, I knew it was becoming a problem and I wanted answers. What she told me about knocked my socks off, even though I wasn’t wearing any.

What the fuck! How could she allow herself to get pregnant so early on in the relationship?

I’m barely used to saying let alone thinking that she is pregnant. And don’t tell me you saw it coming too! I am sick to death of everyone who says they saw it coming from a mile away. Cause… Really? I wish I had seen it coming too. Matter of fact, all the Ms. Cleo’s in my world proclaiming to have already known some shit should not have let me to be the last to know.

She told me she missed her last menstrual cycle and began to cry softly. We sat on the phone in silence like that for a few minutes at least. My silence was because I was unable to utter an intelligible word for fear that the shock, awe, and disbelief registered on my face would catapult itself through the phone. She was sobbing. I will say that it made me feel a lot better, as crazy as it sounds, knowing that my mom was equally as shocked. Finally, I sat my “all-knowing” girlfriend down for a long talk and after confirming her suspicions she did something I didn’t expect, and comforted me. I asked her why and she told me she knew that I was affected by the news. Not negatively, mind you, but strongly affected in some capacity.

You see, my ex and I seriously discussed having children when we were together. We were both in school, working, and making the best of our young lives. We had dreams, goals, and aspirations for our family, our future, and ourselves together. We got a taste of parenting when we took care of her sister’s kids for a while, and with that we understood the steep responsibility that went into raising children. Career first, children second. That was the plan.

I had always dated older women, but she was one of the rare ones around my age that I swiftly pursued. We established a very serious relationship during our early to mid twenties. We were bright, smart, educated and in touch with multiple cultures and generations. We had what all of our friends wanted. Despite what I viewed as well-meaning immaturity, our discussions about life, goals, children and family were meaningful and nothing could sway our resolve at doing our best to attain all of the above. When our relationship ended, we foolishly made promises that I often wonder if I’ll ever be called upon to live up to over the next 18 years.

If there’s one thing I have learned over the years, it is that there is no absolute right or wrong way, right or wrong time to have a child. Sometimes it just happens. “Wham, bam, forgot to wear a condom, damn.”

From the moment I confirmed the pregnancy my girlfriend worried that the baby’s father would decide not to stick around. I was way more hopeful, giving him the benefit of the doubt because, after all, why wouldn’t he stick around? What reason would he have not to stick around and take responsibility for his and her actions? In the mean time, my ex was beating herself up for not taking the necessary steps to prevent pregnancy. Hence the fury of depressing phone calls I’d been receiving going on a month.

Finding out about the pregnancy was a relief, but it accompanied such sadness for my ex. I’ve done my best to encourage her to lift her spirits, but it’s been difficult because D hasn’t been supportive at all. I don’t understand why his first thought was to ask her to have an abortion. She may be pro-choice, but that extends to other women only. But just the fact that not only was it his first thought, but he went on to suggest it on multiple occasions.  He feels as though he has no control of the situation, and he’s right, but is it really all that unexpected? Doubtful. That she would up and have an abortion just because he doesn’t want the responsibility is absurd, but apparently this kind of thinking is more normal than not.

I stayed unbiased despite my personal feelings about his reaction to the pregnancy. I knew that abortion was out of the question. One of her guy friends has basically been saying everything I feel the need to say about D, so I don’t have to play the bad guy. I encourage her to keep an open mind, insisting that one of these days his ass will come around. The reason I remain optimistic despite the strain is because they are connected to each other for the rest of their lives whether the relationship makes it or breaks it. If that isn’t reason enough to force yourself to change your thinking, I don’t know what is.

I’m just doing my best to be supportive. My girlfriend has done the same, which helps to keep me grounded about the situation. I aim to not get too involved, or allow my space to become over run by my ex’s emotional state of mind, which is bound to intensify in the coming months. I don’t want to become emotionally available in a way that could prove detrimental to my girl and I.

I have a feeling that the more I make myself assessable, the more she will utilize that accessibility. This could be good or it could be bad, but it depends entirely on the situation.

This is my girlfriend’s greatest fear. I understand, but the only assurances are that whatever happens, we do it together. When it comes to children, I do not believe adults’ emotions should ever trump doing what’s in the best interest of a child.

For now, she’s going to give him a month to turn his attitude around. The rude and negative comments have lessened. I can tell she cares for him and it’s why I encourage her to be strong, but to not shut him out. I’m hoping they reconcile within the next few months and come to terms with the situation. She is settling into another new phase of her life while growing new life inside her womb. Despite the fucked up nature of the situation, having a child is an amazing, life changing episode. However, raising a child alone is a terrifying thought. And if it isn’t, it should be. So she’s going to stand by her guy, from a distance, until he’s ready to take the reigns and act like a man’s supposed to. For the sake of mommy-to-be and baby boo, he damn well better. If he doesn’t, that spells trouble for my ex.

Reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, ‘Que Sera Sera’ by Doris Day.

“When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.”

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

My ex had her own reservations about telling me. For that reason, she put it off for months. We’d chat like nothing out of the ordinary was occurring. For instance, she’d been asking a myriad of questions past and present relating to having children, maintaining a new relationship, and different relationship scenarios. I gladly advised her under with the premise that the questions had much to do with another woman.  I was thrown for a loop. But I wouldn’t have been completely thrown had she not hid the fact that she was serious about this guy, D, the whole time. I had a feeling prior to this that she was seeing someone she didn’t want me to know about, but I thought it was an undesireable individual and she felt I’d unfairly judge her. As far as it being a guy, well I was never that forward thinking. You see, ex-girlfriends can be extra demanding if you allow them, especially when either one or both of you is already in a serious relationship. More time spent with the other person means less time spent whining to me about her lack of options, and I never insisted when we’d talk so she was able to allude telling me.

A little back story first. Their sexual relationship didn’t begin on firm ground, and that’s more his fault than hers, but both of theirs really. Male insecurity, jealousy, the whole nine was the reason he stopped talking to her. When they initially began a sexual relationship, she brought another woman into the mix, a femme lesbian who had no physical contact with D during sex, but she had plenty of it with my ex. D was okay with it being a femme lesbian, but when she brought a stud home just to hang out with, he copped an attitude and left without saying anything, and hadn’t talked to her since that night. She was compelled to tell me about the situation with D because no one else’s advice was working and she was at her wits end.

It annoyed me to know the reason behind his diss. Like he didn’t know she was a lesbian all this time, but there he was  just as confused as I, probably more so when his sexual advances started being received. He felt threatened, insecure, and all the usual male responses to bringing a stud or butch lesbian around. On the other hand my ex was hurting and I could tell she had developed feelings for him. A threesome already though?That isn’t exactly a promising sign of relationship longevity, but you never know, right? Times have changed and it’s apparent to me that both of them have genuine feelings for each other to varying degrees. For the moment, I brought my thoughts out of the twilight zone and stopped thinking about her sexing this guy to further avoid reacting with biased disdain. Plus, I was taking the shit personally. As if all of her relationships with women were so terrible, including ours, that she decided it was in her best interest to start dating men. Less hassle, less stress? A misconception if I ever heard one, hence the reason she needed my advice. I was determined to give her some damn good advice too, but not before letting her know how I really felt about everything. I asked if she considered herself bisexual or lesbian. I could tell she was offended by the question, but she said she still considered herself a lesbian. I couldn’t understand how she was so certain about that considering the sexual relationship. I viewed the declaration as a threat to the sanctity of lesbian identity right down to the core of what makes us who we are.

Ultimately, my ex dating a man challenges a lot of my thinking about sexuality. The fluidity in sexuality we often hear of is true and that fluid identity is inherently natural in most people whether they believe it or not. Is it more mental than physical? I’m unaware, but what I do know is that she confirms her lesbianism by emphatically stating her attraction to women hasn’t gone anywhere. She is simply open to the idea of emotional and physically loving a man. I have a fleeting suspicision it’s far more than that.  Does our need for sexual and/or emotional fulfillment implore that we look outside of ourselves when it comes right down to it? I do believe the need for arousal dictates that we can be discriminating in our tastes when it comes to being fulfilled while posessing the ability and mentality to make those reservations more or less so important depending on the circumstances. This has been proven time and time again. I wanted to be pissed off for a variety of reasons, but I narrowed it down to the fact that she played into a stereotype, and the oldest in the book as it relates to straight men and lesbians, without bothering to consider the consequences. I expressed my disappointment about it, and she agreed mainly because it led us to where we’re at now.  My ex is a lesbian and I have never once thought otherwise until now. I asked a ton of questions that day, but it ended with my support of her relationship regardless of who it’s with, as long as it’s healthy and free of abuse of any kind. I don’t agree with her refusal to consider that she is quite possibly bisexual, but I respect the way she sees herself despite any reservations on my part.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Black Women’s Interracial Dating Woes
2. Interracial Relationships & Dating