The Swag Report » Organized Chaos

Whatever Feels Right

Knowledge — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 18:00:32 +0000

I’ve written thousands of words dedicated to memories of you. How you swept through me like a tornado, left stormy thoughts encased in halos. Already knowing what the ending would be, but craving its heyday. For out of the chaos would come something beautiful. A warm sun, mid-day. The only one I could always count on before you was me anyway. They say I love too much, but I can’t help but reach for that peak even when I’m troubled by it being so far out of reach. I can’t help but want you to reach your peak in everything you set your mind to, especially as it relates to me. Luckily, I’ve always got a little time to set aside for academia, so to speak. So if being taught by hand means you’ll use my body as a blackboard, let’s chalk it up. With your permission, I’m asking to use your mental as my canvas. Let your knowledge pour down all over me as thoughts pay it forward like advances. Free flowing from distractions, writing blocked by self-possessing, carpal tunnel syndrome’s like – hand cramps and neck aches as words form like soft clay. We swapped intelligence in snide, remarks made in hind-sight made me feel like – I can drop a dope acapella, but you still ain’t seeing me, right? I felt like I was laying on a hot bed of deep despair, like I died a little death, but my spiritual reflection stayed clear. The illest beat I could ever conjure was from a broken kiss, a final lick, a switch of the hips, damn – my girl’s the shit, type of ganja. I mean, type of muse, that is. For lack of better words or emotion-full phrases; with her I want to sync lips, and dig my teeth in, and trace letters to and fro, from the nape of necks to below mid-sections. We go back and forth, and different strokes you ain’t protesting, just as long as I dive deep enough to get lost all up in it. The way I think, it’s like venom, but my passionate potion gives life. To anyone whose ever drank from it, they know my passion is rife. Or ripe – whatever letters accurately project my rhyme scheme’s whatever – I’m wrapped tight. Like a fist, gripping. Like feelings, growing. Natural disasters may crop up along the way, but are promptly alleviated, left in subtle disarray. Still my hunger builds and I strive, but vertical isn’t the only way to grow, or to thrive. No side-eyed, side-ways glances that sting, barely touching with ill intent – but bringing out the best in me. The purpose is to upend, uplift, and eventually – reinvent my spirit which is spent from not enough vent. Elation, ’cause I’ve never been afraid to fall in love, just out of. Not even the pain and what can arise from love other than what’s pleasurable can be unbearable. Like a butterfly unable to break free of its cocoon – despair ensues. So, I reach for higher heights, and slide fingers across places previously deemed as risky flights. I siphon sights and process data, then cypher fights with lyrical gangsta. I bare my all for you, and in return, you shed every thread and fabric intended to avoid your flesh reacting to another’s powerful – grip. You bare it all too. But I hold onto every love I’ve ever adorned, every trophy I’ve ever worn, from love to sports to sporting love. I hold out my hands to the one above and beg forgiveness for not giving my all. I am forgiven, for this one reason, I managed to pen you a poem, written in a journal, riddled with apologies that I could foresee a long time ago. I wrote you into existence, and now that you’re here, would you mind being more than just a spoken word or poetic blurb – ’cause when you’re gone I won’t shed a tear. I’m demanding far more. Although the other figments of my imagination have been cropped and edited they’re long gone, and I’ve anticipated my departure for months now – from writers block.

Baby Steps: Bits And Pieces Of My Weekend

Knowledge — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 23:11:36 +0000

Having your current girlfriend and ex together in the same room is not as awkward as most people think.I’m not sure why it’s so unpleasant for most people, but I think a lot of it has to do with the depth of the relationships, the personality and characteristics of the women and the luck factor of the person linking them together. In this instance, that individual would be me.

The first time they met it was like they already knew each other for a long time. They had known of each other for quite some time, even talked on the phone two or three times over the past 6 years, but neither knew what to expect of the other. It was clear that they had a lot in common, and conversation flowed easy whether it was forced or not. They gotalong better than I could have imagined. The truth is, I didn’t know what to expect before embarking on this adventure. What I do know is that I have made a huge decision that will greatly impact my life, my girlfriend’s life, my family’s life and especially that of my ex-girlfriend and her immediate family. It’s the kind of decision one makes that brings people and families closer together, but whatever hang ups are in the way must be dealt with and addressed head on before things can go any further.

I won’t got into too much detail about the first and second time they met, but I will say that the fact that the girls have so much in common has been a welcome retreat, and the positivity they’ve displayed has further reinforced the notion, at least for me, that absolutely anything is possible. And, yes, I know I’m being vague as fuck, but that’s purposeful for now.

I don’t even know what to say about this weekend except that I was tired for most of it, and it went very well. It was at times amazing and at other times completely exhausting. I was running on empty, suffering from severe lack of sleep, and I still have no idea how I managed to get anything of note accomplished considering my brain felt like a bag of mush, for lack of a better word. A handful of multi-vitamins early Sunday morning was my somewhat successful last-ditch attempt to energize my body’s core before beginning the workweek. I’m still feeling a tad sluggish today, but my mood couldn’t be any better considering.

The Rundown

Friday night:

I’m lounging on the couch with my girlfriend watching late night television.
My best friend Q calls at around 11p.m. She wants to come over and chill. Her husband got on her nerves so she wanted to get away for a few hours.

Saturday night:

Q comes through around 12:30am – lots of girl talk between my best friend and girlfriend as I tried to keep from dozing off on the couch. At some point, I sat upright and Q and I chatted the rest of the early morning away. She left at around 4:30am.
Baby and I try to catch some z’s but can only manage about 2.5 hours of sleep as daylight has descended upon the city. The day is looking fair and bright even though I am clearly lacking the necessary sleep to keep myself sharp the remainder of the day. Oh well.
Needless to say, I was still somewhat physically exhausted, yet my mind wanted my body to firmly believe that it was well rested and refreshed. Meanwhile, I was sleepy as hell.
Morning consisted of a small breakfast and herbal tea.
I got some writing done for a short story series I’m collaborating on with Alix, a fellow blogger.
Kisses and hugs showered on me by the girlfriend in between sips of tea and mental grinding.
I read some e-mails by afternoon, one in particular from my pregnant ex-girlfriend whom we’ll call Peanut.
She e-mailed me to let me know she was in downtown Chicago at one of the colleges and planned to stop by the condo when her session let out. I let the Baby know Peanut’s plans and she cleaned up a little in preparation while I wrote.
Talked to Baby a little about Peanut coming over since I knew this would only be the third time, and I wanted to double check to ensure that she was cool with everything. She said she was. And yes, I know, it takes a special kind of woman to say yes to something like that, but this is me we’re talking about.
Peanut showed up and I was supposed to take her grocery shopping, but I was on a roll and didn’t want to stop writing yet so she chilled for a while. At 6 months pregnant, her belly was/is like… whoa… stuck out like a misshapen torpedo. The little munchkin growing inside is beginning to kick and move around all the time.
Peanut and Baby talked for a while as Peanut watched the 2^nd season of True Blood. Baby played games on the computer in between and I… did more writing.
Baby got a call from our mutual friend Courtney. She wanted to go to the waterfront café to drink, eat and gossip about her recent travels. I declined and stayed at the crib while I continued to… you guessed it, write some more.
The weather started to look a little gloomy (bummer!) so Courtney and Baby decided to head to our favorite indoor Bar and Grill instead where they would eat and drink a little something-something.
In the mean time, Peanut was chillin’ on the sofa and eventually we both were starving. Baby had already left and I was ’bout ready to eat a horse, so I did something I’ve been doing a lot of lately… cooked.
I made salmon, spinach and rice. We gobbled it up like a couple of famished turkey’s.
I asked Peanut to be a little patient about going to the store because I was putting the finishing touches on my story. She was cool. I continued writing until Baby stumbled home saying how drunk she wasn’t.
A little more of the herbal tea and I was relaxed even though I’d been sitting on my ass the entire day. I felt good… and tired.
Baby was cool though, she only had a double pint… she claims, so we were all relaxed and everyone was on chill mode.
My mom called late that night because I was supposed to drop off a package earlier that day. Oops, I genuinely forgot. I didn’t make it out to the suburbs and wasn’t planning to at that point. Ever been so tired you may as well been drunk? That was I. Lack of sleep had exhausted me.
My Mom was NOT feeling that answer. I told her I was working on a deadline. Only after accusing me of being irresponsible for not rescheduling earlier did she have the nerve to ask me if I was on drugs because I sounded drunk, although I hadn’t drank a lick of alcohol all day. I really had to give my mom the cold shoulder through the phone. I basically told her “if sleep was a drug I was in need of an overdose.”
I ended the call and went back into the living room where the girls were watching TV and recanting back episodes of True Blood.
We all talked candidly and got some things out in the open. I checked the time and realized that it had gotten way late, however I completed my writing well before the deadline.
We laughed and joked awhile and they teased me for being… well… me. When I’m sleepy, my silly mood and goofy antics go beyond the ridiculous, but only when I’m around those I love.
Later that night I told Peanut that I was in no position to drive anyone anywhere. She agreed.
She was too cool and agreed to spend the night at our place. I made her a nice, comfy bed on the sofa so she could get a good night’s rest. Baby gathered the pillows, sheets and comforter and they both put me to work making it up. Peanut didn’t have any pajamas so Baby found an old pair of jogging pants and one of my plain white tee’s for her to sleep in.
After Baby turned in I made sure Peanut was comfortable on the sofa before following suit.
Finally, I crawled into bed with Baby and spooned my ass to sleep.

Things to note: After an exhausting Friday to Saturday at which point I incorporated 2 and a half hours of sleep, at the most, into the 24 hour time period, I was awakened to the smell of scrambled eggs, breakfast sausage, and toast. Mmmm… my taste buds were awakening along with the rest of my senses. I heard Baby call out, “breakfast in 5 minutes.” Ok, cool, I thought. I could see the light from outside straining to reach into the bedroom window, and I was satisfied with the fact that I must have gotten a good night sleep to be this wide awake. After all, my eyes wouldn’t have been wide open if I hadn’t, right?

I rolled out of bed and dragged myself into the living room to find Peanut lying across the sofa bed. That’s when Baby walked in with plates of food heaped high. She set them on the dining room table. Breakfast looked great, but something was just not right. Something was out of place, but I couldn’t put my finger on it yet. Suddenly, I glanced over at the clock face staring at me from against the wall and low and behold it was only 7:30 in the morning… on a Sunday… and I was wide the fuck awake…

Unbelievable. Although it turned out to be a great start to an even better day.

25 Ways To Keep My Blog Alive

Knowledge — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:30:35 +0000

Write from the heart.
Be unique, original and think outside the box.
Don’t follow every new trend.
Proofread, critique and enhance my craft.
Get faster and better at responding to comments.
Read and process first, debate later. Rinse and repeat.
Continue to respect all comments and opinions.
Make the most out of my creativity.
Exhibit diligence when organizing my blog for optimal online searching.
Network, network, network and start building a firm outbound and inbound link(s) framework.
Link to other sites even if they don’t link back.
“Content is King” — Quality writing trumps a contentless multitude of posts.
Don’t set deadlines that cannot be met.
Develop a regular posting schedule.
Utilize my leather bound journal to jot down future post ideas.
Make sure every post is well thought out.
Don’t ignore important topics just because they’ve already been written about.
Keep my chaos more organized.
Skim all posts prior to publishing.
Promote my blog whenever possible.
Seek and welcome guest bloggers with topics of interest.
Enhance and maintain blog design. Fix any errors.
Interact more with my readers.
Learn from those who have done it longer ~ learn from the best.
Stay humble and hone my skills

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image. The List by Thrife.

In My Twenties

Knowledge — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:37:24 +0000

In my twenties…
I stopped listening to the crowd.
I never went along anyway.
And was often the odd one out.
I would find myself going.
In the opposite direction.
What I didn’t realize then.
Was that I was self-deflecting.
You know the gay saying “I can’t even think straight”.
I realized some thoughts I held onto were self-destructive as fate. I mean fuck. Insecurity took over and I’d often feel anxious about where I was going, where I would be 5-10 years from the day that a young stud would be turning twenty. Deep thoughts were not welcome because I barely knew who I was or what I wanted. I wondered whom exactly I was living for; myself or somebody else. I was losing all control and that helplessness was strongly felt. I never considered what I learned a waste though, not once. I took what I learned and never looked back. That higher learning has proven invaluable time and time again.

In my later twenties…
I started to realize that I was selfish,
And that most people inherently are.
Whether they admit it or choose to embellish.
The friendships I fostered were from afar.
Funny cause in my early twenties I didn’t quite know just who I was. I took for granted lasting friendships, thinking random girls were what was up. I realized that the most important connections I’d ever made were the ones in which I’d already lost touch. I reconnected with some, but lives take twists and turns and naturally those relationships evolve into something else if there is no growth in the interim. I blame myself mostly, for being a hermit in disguise and not thinking twice about it while on the ride that was my life.

In my early twenties…
I didn’t mind being the new person wherever I was.
Starting over and developing relationships,
But never claiming to be novice.
Personal friendships that I attained,
Are near and dear to me to this day.
I look at what I do and although it’s more than sufficient, it really isn’t anywhere close to what I thought would be intrinsic. When my opinions weren’t as strong and I wasn’t as judgmental as everyone. When rose-colored glasses were worn for fun. I lived in my head, one day at a time, while life took shape and forged right on. The boundaries I established early on were either extended or broken down. As I approached my 30 years I felt far more secure within myself.

In my middle twenties…
My decisions were no longer based on,
“it’s me against the world”
Change was no longer the enemy
And that was one hell of a battle.
I’ve learned to appreciate.
Every opportunity that comes with change.
Every learning curve that comes with age.
As life moves forward, so do I. Throughout encounters and heartbreaks. Sometimes there were breakthroughs and I’d wonder how someone I loved so much could hurt me so. Soon enough I’d be wondering how I could hurt someone I loved so much and still deserve to be loved and touched.

There comes a point in all of our lives where we go through emotions, battle with thoughts, feel lost and alone and still we’re able to come out on top. We find the answers to the questions plaguing our minds and it’s not for naught. Answers we realize through experiencing most of what life has offered us. No one has the answers to everything, but knowledge is an everlasting, evolving process and that simple concept is one I love. Upon reaching turning points we must constantly embrace change and differences and most importantly an open mind. Thought I’d never realize that having a companion means far more than having a few women on the side. Decisions are firm as I take life on. Constantly overcoming new twists and turns. I focus on what’s inside and no longer am I. All wrapped up in my own selfish wants, neglecting my needs for foolish pride.

image by Nonetta

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Gone But Not Forgotten

Knowledge — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:21:37 +0000

My mom’s oldest brother was my favorite uncle. He passed away a few weeks ago from complications of an inoperable tumor. Although he was sick for some time his death was sudden. He had so much good left in him to share with others, but I know he’s in a peaceful place now. He left behind my aunt Diane, brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles. He had no children. Throughout everything, my mom has been surprisingly strong, but seeing her pain as she quietly cried at the service was particularly hard to witness.

When my mom told me my uncle passed I knew the realization that he was was gone was something she wouldn’t have to struggle with. We knew he was sick, but not the extent of his illness. We didn’t get to see him before he died, however mom talked to him on the phone for as long as he could muster just a few days before his passing. He made sure she knew how much he loved her and a few days later he was gone. I was so sad, but I knew that my sorrow couldn’t compare to how mom must have been feeling.

My uncle was a very gentle man with a deep seated spirit that centered around helping those in need. He reminded me so much of my grandmother with his sensitivity and kindness. He was quiet yet forceful and as a doctor he dedicated his life to helping others and assisting them in making important decisions about their well being. He devoted his livelihood to making a positive impact on peoples lives.

His passing, coupled with reconnecting with my moms side of the family while at his memorial, has given me renewed resolve. To live and love more than I have previously is a concerted effort I am gladly making. I tell my brothers and sisters just how much I care about them. I take five minutes out of my day to embrace my sappy side. More complementing, less criticizing, and lots of hugs and kisses passed around. You just never know when you’ll get to do those things again, so life has taken on a slightly altered meaning. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

I wrote this poem in honor of my uncle.

In Loving Memory: Milton David Watkins M.D. (1950-2009)

Love Never Dies

We hold a gem in our hearts

And think of him with love today

But that is nothing new

Kind – loving – generous

Playful and adventurous

He was full of laughter

With a spirit fun-filled

And that’s the way we’ll always remember

Dear uncle Milton

On the day you changed our family’s life

A 9-year-old’s heart swelled with pride

I never got to tell you that

You became my hero for life

Thank you for sending that white butterfly our way

You’re resting in peace with grandma now

Your body is gone but your spirit lives on

Strong while alive you spread your wings wide

And touched each and every one of us

Until the day we cross over too

Family won’t be complete

Although your bright light shines no more

We wish you the sweetest adieu

For with every tear shed

And every smile shared

We take this moment

To honor you

image by Rach

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