By then I allowed uncontainable passion to penetrate my deepest cores while I pretended I was experiencing love instead of lust. I’d bide my time in the worst ways, juggling between feelings of self-inflicted loneliness – isolation, apathy and sexual frustration that would all converge upon me at once. And just like that my world would take on a whole new meaning only to come slowly crashing down at some future time – after the affair was over.

There was a deliberate aspect of premeditation to my cheating that I compartmentalized for years before forcing myself to come to terms with it. Before you can begin to take the necessary steps to rid yourself of the feelings that open to the door to cheating – you have to determine what kind of cheater you are, determine where you fall within that spectrum and then cross off a few places on the checklist that don’t apply to you in any way. People place all cheaters into a “once a cheater, always a cheater” box but fail miserably at differentiating between the different types, of which there are many. The romantic cheater who’d become emotionally vested, which often had a tendency to end up becoming a long term affair with the possibility of morphing into a long-term relationship – that defined me.

Most people would be surprised to know that cheaters are able to have and maintain long-term relationships, marriages, dating relationships and so on because they typically know what they want, what they’re missing and if they happen to be cheating at the moment then this much is true – they’re getting their selfish needs met. They become major go-getters once they’ve reached a breaking point. It’s important to note that just because a person is seemingly committed to the relationship’s longevity doesn’t mean that commitment extends into and out of the bedroom. Commitment is more than mere words, the passing of time, promises of love, monogamy and sticking together. Commitment is putting all of the aforementioned into play in a relationship. It is the action that constitutes the commitment.

There is always an underlying reason why cheating occurs which in no way constitutes as an excuse to cheat. Rarely does one cheat with the intention of causing a partner heartache and pain. They cheat because they can and because they’re selfish and insecure.

Take for instance the sexual aspect. The sex drive is one of the most powerful and natural primordial forces on earth, but if one commits to the relationship but doesn’t learn how to reign in desire and lust for others, that commitment is worthless. This is a serial cheaters greatest enemy. Not only the physical but most importantly the emotional sexual drive. After all, our brains are our biggest erogenous zones.

At times, I was blatant about my disregard for anyone’s feelings including my own, not to mention the lack of respect I bestowed upon all parties involved in the affair. That in essence was one of the reasons I mourned the loss of those relationships so intensely. The loss of control – followed by a loss of self that slowly, excruciatingly creeps up on a cheater to such a degree that I could find no way to exhaust those feelings except to carry on con-questing. I firmly equated those losses to losing a part of myself. Therein lies the kicker. With every failed, catastrophic bout of infidelity, you lose a part of yourself because you’ve given a part of yourself that you didn’t have to give in the first place. You’re bargaining with your emotions when the only sure thing about love is the fact that it’s a gamble. You stretched yourself too thin and your mind reacts in agony, pain, heartbreak and heartache that even cheaters feel to varying degrees but become masters at compartmentalizing. The loss of trust and respect is the worst.

Never quite understanding that you can and should have both control of self and actions as often as possible, there were times when I struggled intently with trying to reign in both from potentially troubling affairs. Why? Because long term affairs take time, unsustainable amounts of energy and motivation to accomplish. It takes determination and a particularly audacious use of an already weakened mental state to put in the emotional and physical energy required to carry on. Particularly the times I felt my deepest emotions building and rising from a place within that could no longer be contained or satisfied by my partner, I choose to devote that time to fulfilling my wants and needs with another woman. At the affair’s end – emptiness and guilt, as expected begin to fester.

Most sex addicts who are also cheaters have multiple one night stands and multiple affair partners. I never bothered engaging in quick flings and never experienced the makings of a one night stand. I wanted more than that. I was doing a good enough job convincing myself that the af-fairy tale, although in no way real, just may possibly be, if only. I would become emotionally involved because I could not fake having a sexual relationship of any sort with someone I wasn’t emotionally vested in to an extent.

I knew my problem was not sexual addiction and for the most part sex addicts don’t make themselves emotionally available. They don’t need to. They experience feelings of euphoria after the conquest has been met and there is a chemical dependency inherent in most, almost akin to a compulsion that’s a staple in the mind of the addict. Sex was not a motivator. Affection, attention, living in the “glow of constant compliments” as one of my readers so accurately put it, the conquest of relinquishing passion onto my lover who in turn reignited it every time was always the force that motivated. Feeling wanted and adored in a way that most profoundly affected me and not so much the one doing the complimenting was also a major factor.

No matter how good it feels to be dotted on and worshiped to a degree, ultimately you know it’s not good for your soul and will likely tear you apart inside eventually. My problem was that I grew accustomed to learning this lesson the hard way, and I came to accept the consequences I would be met with each time the affair came to light.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Unconditional Love and Self-Forgiveness
2. When The Mistress Feels Cheated
3. Once, Twice, Three Times A Cheater

I met my karma head on. After all, it was mine - I earned it, I deserved it, I knew it was coming and so I braced and prepared myself for the world of hurt the impact would cause. I stopped justifying my bad behavior and started facing my fears. I stopped running from commitment and seriously neglecting personal responsibilities and sacrificing my morals for a quick feel good fix.

I had to be completely honest with myself. I had to let the affair be a testament to my imperfect frailty. It is vital that you be honest with yourself and the person you’re having the affair with. I was in love with my mistress and there was a time following the affair when I couldn’t even admit that. When you’ve given a piece of your heart to someone, it is forever gone and you have to come to terms with that loss. The more you put it off, the worse off you become.

Cheating affects the lives of everyone around you. Because you’re not only lying to yourself, you’re lying to everyone else too. Living that lie often points to deeper issues that underlie the relationship you have with your significant other (yourself if you’re single or your partner if you’re in a relationship.) There’s usually something wrong or missing - a result of some negative force lying beneath the surface that is perpetually avoided or excused so that it continues. This immoral behavior is so easily recognized that it can be addressed or ignored altogether depending on what foot the shoe is on and who is wearing it. Cheating is easy and indiscriminate and it hurts innocent people who have absolutely nothing to do with the actions pursued, especially children.

Recognizing patterns of excess in our lives manifested through lust, sexual insatiability, physical and emotional attention wanted and sought using false promises of love and impassioned sex is a crucial step, but one that many cheaters often disregard until long after the affair has been exposed.

I didn’t have to read or do anything except to allow myself to experience the overwhelming weight of my actions as they crashed down on me, pulling me deeper still into a place I wasn’t  ready to go yet, to face questions about myself I wasn’t ready to answer. I had to feel a hurt so deep that felt so bad that any and all tears left within me dried completely up, leaving my heart feeling like a heavy burden upon my soul instead of being the life force that it is. Experiencing that kind of pain is what eventually caused me to snap out of the false comfort I’d created for myself and those around me for that 2 years time period.

I had to get played like a fool because that’s what I was and how I felt. Toward the end of my affair I was so hurt by the resulting actions of my ex and her attempts to protect herself from further pain by withdrawing, but not completely, that my emotions eventually shut down. The pain of loss that I felt was honest and true as far as I knew and while affected I let my words flow out of me like the emotions that had previously overwhelmed. I turned thoughts into words and emptied my heart. I was pissed off at myself and at her because I still wanted her, but I loved my girlfriend and there was no way to reconcile the two because what I had been doing was plain wrong.

In the end, life goes on, but what’s most difficult to remember is that love goes right along with it. Like people, love reinvents itself, yet remains timeless. We must do the same with the affairs aftershocks… by reinventing ourselves. Transfer any longing onto something beneficial or onto an available someone else. Seek outward inspiration like you sought that first fiery kiss that felt so good you could have floated up to heaven. Crave positivity and goodness, which cheating is not, like you crave peace of mind. When we mistreat our bodies through poor diet and lack of exercise, our bodies suffer and ultimately so do we. We are an extension of our physical selves. So to do our souls suffer greatly when we feed them garbage when what it really desires is healthy, life giving sustenance. Affairs are kind of like that. They are completely and utterly self destructive no matter how good the sex is or how far gone your emotions may be for the object of your affection. No matter how good it feels, a lie is a lie and it only serves to weaken our other truths and to delay our healing.

In the final chapter of my affair I penned a poem.

The Meanest Poem I Ever Wrote.

It’s funny how someone who once loved you can so easily forget the good while at the same vividly remembering the bad times.
Because those bad instances somehow negate the good shit?
No, it’s because those bad times are what ultimately lead to the end of an error.
I mean the end of a long over-through relationship.
If the new girlfriend so easily had you from the start, then be honest, she really didn’t have to try all that hard.
You were left wide open and ripe for the picking.
You wanted someone to move in with and to keep your pussy dripping.
To restore your peace of mind and relinquish loves fate.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, just be real is what I’m saying.
It’s even worse that you were trying to restore your relationship with me.
At the same time forming a new one with your new shining King.
Again, be real with yourself, if you know how to that is.
So used to being fake with your family and friends.
If you must know, I always found that social awkwardness repulsive.
I noticed how it took no time for you to find your new shining knight, while at the same time you couldn’t even keep on your lights.
Asking me to continue assisting you financially, because you couldn’t pay your bills, but didn’t want your new girl to see.
I should have known you were phony, your contrast was stark.
Shouldn’t have paid a damn thing, let you both sit there in the dark.
Your credit was bad and I’m glad I didn’t let you destroy that too.
You’ve got some nerve writing about needing to be rescued.
I did plenty of that while you fucked your new piece in the bedroom.
You found someone who was interested in the outward exchanges while you still expressed your love and want for me daily.
Again, you disgust me and in the end I realized you were mostly out for my money.
Your new love was curious about why you needed to console yourself all the while telling her one thing while telling me something else.
You were whoring your debt out to the highest bidder, Me, while lying to her about your availability.
And I use the word love very lightly in your case since you have no idea what it actually consists of, you fucking fake.
You were telling your new love all the sweet nothings you’d told me.
Regurgitated bullshit expecting her to write to you like me, recite you poetry and give you nice pretty things like me?
She couldn’t get on my level if I gave her my vocabulary.
Calling her my old familiar names, yet all the while my dumb ass still paid your bills because….
- those mother fuckers were not getting paid.
How about that knight of yours be my banker for a day and make good on the debt that you left me unpaid.
Your soul belongs to no one and you are without shame… although you should own up to your share for shit you did back in the day, mate.
You are too damn old to be playing these games.
I guess it would be too much to say “act your age,” since you act like you never grew out of your “daddy’s girl” phase.
It is my hope that you never find another like any others you’ve ever been with before me; remember Melanie?
Poor thing.
Hopefully, this new one teaches you the value of being a real woman who can be true to herself and stop being fake ’cause for real though.
All I saw was fake, from your hair weave to the cheap glue you’d use to the eyelashes you’d apply using that same tacky ass glue.
I never got to tell you I loved you dancing or standing still,
I never got to tell you that sometimes your underarms smelled.
-
I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH even though I chuckle at the smell, I mean the thought of it now.
I used to wonder how you didn’t gag at yourself at times, but when you smell funk long enough you get used to it right?
All these things I kept inside because… well, at the time I truly loved you and I thought I was your shining knight.
Time’s allowed me to clear my heart and now it’s time to clear my mind.
You had every right to write that blog but even more telling was the glaring lack of response.
How your sentiments seemed corny and your testimonials a big front.
Do me a favor and put your page back on private from now on.
And please watch what you write because I’ll come out on top.
Funny how karma works and how I don’t wish the bad kind on anyone.
But if clearing my mind makes you wish that bad bitch on me, it’s only fair since I’m putting it out there for all to see.
Let’s just hope there’s no backlash ’cause you ain’t all roses, Missy.
I know damn well my shit stinks, but I bite back when I hear a motherfucker talkin’ shit about me.
Peace.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Valentine’s
2. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I
3. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part II: Karma

She had just finished reading one of my blogs, A Year Later Continued, and the incident I described on the football field resonated strongly with her because there was a similar one that occurred a few years prior to that. That incident did involve her, but the one in that post did not. I wasn’t surprised by the question, but the truth was, they were two entirely separate incidents that mirrored each other. I can’ t even say they were isolated because they both involved me and my womanizing ass ways. 

Even then, she wasn’t my mistress, she was my ex-girlfriend, however we remained physically and emotionally close after my affair effectively ended our relationship.

What happened that day isn’t entirely clear, and I’ve resigned myself to the idea that it may never be. But, by the time it was over, our flag-football team had placed 3rd in the 2006 Chicago Gay Games. We won the bronze medal, but I missed the team photograph on the field, and the celebration that followed because immediately after winning, I  high-tailed it to the sidelines, where an angry ex-girlfriend was waiting, staring me down. She held my cell phone in one hand, and a tiny balled up fist in the other.

I jogged over to where she was standing. I was furious too. She’d been pacing at one end of the side line ever since halftime started, talking on the phone. I didn’t know it yet, but she had been talking on my phone as I played ball.

We immediately started arguing, but I moved us as far away from the sidelines as possible. We were standing on the sidewalk by then. She didn’t live very far from the field so I invited her to watch the game, except she hadn’t really been watching at all. 

The late afternoon rain delayed the final women’s games, but by the time we ventured out of the athletic field house, the July air had warmed so much that we were able to resume game play. It was on. After losing the first game against a great team out of Florida, we went on to dominate the next two games, landing ourselves a chance at the bronze medal. I don’t know how I made it through the second half of the game because my mind was not in it. My mind was heavy, thoughts focused on my girlfriend and my mistress. My eyes, however,  focused on my ex who stood at the opposite end of the field chatting away while stealing glares at me in between.

Sometime during the second half  she went through my duffel bag. I was oblivious to everything until the second half. Fans don’t typically cheer from the sidelines at these types of venues, so the fact that she  was standing there was out of the ordinary. I knew something was up.

Later on I learned that she asked my girlfriend to come to her apartment, even provided directions and her phone number for reference. She was fierce then, and she’s fierce now.

I learned that in addition to going through my things, she took it upon herself to give (some) [most] \all/ the women in my contact list a friendly call.  They didn’t argue, fuss or fight either. Scorned women have that way about them when they come together, and the focus is on the same individual. They shared bits and pieces and details of their lives and discussed them in conjunction with mine. Relationships were dissected and my character, obviously, deservedly, ripped the fuck up.

What could I say to all of that? Let me explain to you what I was feeling inside. It went something like, “Oh shit, how the hell am I going to fix all of this?”  I was willing to take the emotional blows, but only because I was still considering my feelings above anyone else’s, making excuses along the way. She called my mistress, too, who was also a gay games participant. She was practicing for the closing ceremonies or else she would have been there that day. I was juggling many women.

And don’t think for a minute that juggling more than the required is some badge of honor, a thing I aimed for just for the “fun” of it. There are no bragging rights that come with multiple women being in love with you. I developed a problem pattern of burying my issues in women. Particularly, fears of abandonment, but I’ll write more about that later.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. A Year Later Continued
2. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love
3. The Dark Side of Valentine’s

I was harsh in some ways, and not harsh enough in others in my reflections a year ago. These days, I reflect on things I was too hesitant to post then. The feelings of emptiness, bitterness, and the lingering attraction addiction to my ex-mistress and the  familiarity of the affair. Those feelings don’t just up and end and walk out on you when everything is said and done. They linger. The sick feeling I’d get every time I thought about the close calls and damn near disastrous episodes that occurred over the years. My girlfriend and OW were no strangers to each other. They came into contact, talked in person and over the phone on more than one occasion.

Once, during a flag football game against a rival  team, my ex-mistress came to the game not knowing my girlfriend was already standing on the sideline cheering me on. She called my girlfriend while standing a few feet back from the field. They talked for a while, then my girlfriend did something that breaks my heart to this day. She knew how important that game was to me. It was the most important one of the year and one I still look forward to every football season. Instead of allowing a scene to be caused, she called me over and explained what happened. Then she told me she was leaving because my mistress was not. Oddly enough, my team was completely unaware of what transpired because my girlfriend ended up leaving and going home.

My heart sank all the way into my stomach and didn’t resurface until I put a band-aid on the incident by talking my way out of what was quite clear to both women.

Even after that incident, the affair persisted.  Complacency in affairs affects all parties if they go on long enough. The mistress settles, the girlfriend settles, and even you settle into a pattern of complete and utter self destruct.

Where am I today? At a peaceful place in my relationship. I have found something precious in being able to explore and process my thoughts and actions with her without judgment. The affair didn’t save my relationship; I saved it along with the help of an amazing woman.  When it began, I didn’t want to leave my girlfriend and when it ended that want didn’t change. I do admit I am grateful that she allowed me the opportunity to rebuild what we had. A lot has changed, but some of the best things about the both of us have remained and allowed that progress to ensue.

My reaction after the affair ended was so strong because losing an emotional relationship, even an inappropriate one, is a big, but necessary loss.

Am I happier nowadays? Damn skippy. For the most part, I no longer harbor any grief about how things went down. Instead of compartmentalizing each and every aspect of the affair, I look at it at a whole. It’s hard sometimes. I look back and wonder just what in the hell I was thinking. You see, there are some darker aspects of the affair that I haven’t even begun to address. Just getting over that one hurdle (the breakup) was a slow process that was a long time coming.

Recently, my girlfriend said she noticed a change in my writing over the past year. I explained that the change isn’t in my writing, but in my thinking. She’s still somewhat right, and there are still so many things I need to express.

It has taken a decade to come to terms with the fact that I don’t need 2 or 3 women at a time to satisfy all of my needs in a relationship. I make mistakes, but my focus isn’t narrow any longer. Relationships are more meaningful and important and my goals now center around the people who are most important in my life.

The interpersonal relationships with some of my ex’s have evolved to a point where I feel comfortable being myself without feeling the need to please and compensate. There’s a clear line between my need to please a woman I owe nothing to and the honor I owe only to my significant other.

So, with writing as a release, there’s also this down side, which I honestly only feel strongly every now and then. The downside is that I censor myself sometimes to alleviate the need to explain anything outside of the blog, but it doesn’t always turn out that way. But some things I would just rather blog about than express any other way anyway, but despite those reservations, I put as much into my personal posts as I can.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Revealing The Affair: A Year In Review
2. Sometimes Women and Sport Don’t Mix
3. When The Mistress Feels Cheated

I was never a fan of airing my own dirty laundry until I came to a realization that everyone does it in their own way, and if I could relate to someone reading my stuff, and be forced to figure myself out in the process, I had nothing to lose. When I blog about relationships, I’m drawing from my own experiences to come to terms with my past, present, and future expectations in my relationship.

When I started StudwithSwag.com over a year ago, I wanted to write about the affair, but I didn’t know where or how to begin. I needed the release writing gave me and I had a story to tell. I carried on a 2 and a half-year affair while in a committed relationship. I had no idea where I’d be a year from then with my relationship my writing,m but within my second month of blogging I was ready to reveal the worst aspects of my character, and along with that revelation came lots of reservations.

Despite that, blogging for me was therapeutic. And depending on what you write about and how your analysis is framed, it can also be an open invitation to criticism or praise. I used it as a tool to check myself so I wouldn’t wreck myself any more than I already had. I had to write my way out of an emotionally dark place that had been clouding my perception for too long. I wanted to get to the root of my own feelings since I was focusing so much on everyone else’s. That’s why when it comes to affairs, everyone has their own account of how things went down. You better believe my ex-mistress had hers, just as my girlfriend and I had ours. But realize this, everyone isn’t going to agree on the details because they often get lost in emotion coupled with high levels of stress. Fortunately, I was able to find rhythm in telling my own side of things.

Obviously, I was ready and willing to deal with any backlash from the “ex” side of it. There’s always personal risk involved when writing about matters of the heart. Forget about me looking at the release of my thoughts as therapy for a second and focus on the consequences of blogging those very thoughts for all to see. When you involve other active players, the scrutiny can be daunting especially if they catch wind of it. That’s exactly what happened.

In the back of my mind I kind of knew it would happen. I already considered what she might say, how she might feel, and even what she’d think about what I’d written. But by then, I was telling myself I didn’t care about what anyone thought about the blog. It’s why I was so prepared to put it all out there. Hell, just getting to the point where you see your affair for exactly what it is, is a milestone. It really is. Occasionally, I’ll go back and read my very first post just to get a different feel for the poem that started it all.

My ex-mistress must have read it at some point, because the thing that struck her the most about it was my use of the word mistress, as opposed to girlfriend.  I learned my ex-mistress was not only insulted, but also revolted by my reference to her as a mistress.  When you read the edited version now, you can see the word girlfriend has gone unchanged since I modified it a year ago. I was still catering to her needs over anyone else’s at the time. I left it worded that way purposely as a reminder to myself that this journey has not been without stumbling blocks littering the way. I lied to myself for so long that I could understand her reaction from an emotional standpoint, but it took a while to accept who she was to me because that meant accepting that I was a cheater. A deep and passionate affair that would inevitably end as most affairs do confirmed the title. Painful. I didn’t trust my emotions for the longest time and I knew my ex-mistress was dealing with the pain of that realization too.

So I knew that by blogging about my cheating heart I’d open myself up to a shit ton of criticism, but I wasn’t pleased when that criticism was directed at me by my ex’s new piece. Yep. I wrote about it. Old boi was and probably still is fiercely loyal to my ex-OW, but the negative implications about my character without also examining her girlfriend’s, my ex-OW’s, was not daunting, it was hypocritical at worst. It was just the fuel I needed to spark a fire under my own ass. My writing grew bolder as a result.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. A Year Later Continued
2. On Ending The Affair
3. A Family Affair

I started a blog immediately after my affair ended because the emotional pain started to manifest itself physically. It was intense. Anxiety was at an all time high. I didn’t seek refuge in anyone, because I knew I didn’t deserve it. Not yet at least. I know it’s surprises some people, but yes, even reformed cheaters have very real feelings.  Ultimately, we do not deserve to be comforted in any way because we know exactly what we’re doing, and what we’ve done. So it was either write everything down or slowly self-destruct and pick up the pieces later on. I wrote. I bled myself of as much emotion about the affair as I could and I recorded everything. I documented the ending stages of the affair, including all of the events leading up to the last physical interaction with my other woman.

Still, I find it hard to read some of my earlier blog’s. I have grown drastically since my journey’s beginning and my outlook is not the same as it once was in relation to many aspects of my affair. I find it hard to read some of some of the comments in response to those blog’s. One in particular distinctly stands out. It was never approved, and it remains the only comment to date that I haven’t approved for my own personal reasons. I could not answer the question found within or bear to have it posted as a constant reminder of what every person thinks of someone who has cheated.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

That’s a mighty big assumption, but it’s belief is so widespread it’s tough to argue against. Personally, it sounds like something a habitual cheater came up with to justify their actions or addiction, but I do not believe it to be true. Regardless of the naysayer encountered along the way, it’s still necessary and healthy to have an outlet for ones emotions. Accompanying that outlet should exist a path to forgiveness. That accompanies the belief that infidelity is not some permanent affliction that one can never recover from. It’s a choice that one can most definitely choose never to make again. People cheat for many reasons, but they also possess the self-control needed to resist temptation.

Although blogging has helped immensely, I still don’t have all the answers to all of my internal questions. In fact, I’m discovering subtle nuances every day that help me to better understand myself. In relation to my girlfriend, myself, our relationship and the affair, I am in a place that I never thought I’d be. I am at peace with my past. I have also been met with some real tough questions that deserve answers. For those, I had to look deep within myself and pull out answers like I was pulling teeth. Maintaining the affair meant everything to me at the time, but once it was over it’s importance became so miniscule I couldn’t even remember what fueled it’s beginning. Self-awareness will do that to you. To understand why I became desensitized to the pain of manipulation was something I needed to get to the bottom of. You can only consider yourself an asshole or jerk for so long before realizing that to prevent the behavior from reoccuring you have to get to the root. For me it’s meant learning to bridge the gap between what I feel and what I think. Placing importance and appropriateness to my actions coincide with doing everything in my power to maintain emotional balance and health. With that said, I am more comfortable in my relationship than I have ever been, and this feeling encompasses every single aspect. Communication has been the defining force and real love has solidified its redefinining qualities. I feel free of the guilt of my actions, but not the memories.

My infidelity hurt me as much as it hurt my girlfriend in the long run. I have been faithful ever since and that’s a conscious decision that we all make, at least those who abstain. There is no fun in ruining someone’s life or hurting the one you love. I have no desire to disrespect my values or the values of those I love. People often change who they are faster than they can change the reputation their former actions have built. It makes it hard for people to remember the good. You can write a thousand poems and nobody know you’re a poet. Our past always travels with us, but why hold onto someone’s or even your own past when they’re living in the present, and looking to the future? The point is, so too should we look to our future when we’ve come to terms with our past.

I finally forgive myself. And I will tell you this, there is absolutely nothing that can take the place of forgiving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive is devine.

My greatest comfort is knowing that I simply want the best for everyone. My weakness was harboring a lust that was as destructive as my inability to forgive myself for my past indescretions had become. I learned that love has just as great a capacity for destruction as it does for healing.

If you want to work on your relationship then do not give up on it. Only you can determine its worth, and if you feel it’s worth saving you should do everything in your power to save it. Relationships aren’t fantasy and they damn sure aren’t perfect. Not only do they bring us some of the best moments in life, they set the foundation for unconditional love and committment needed to foster growth between two loving, adoring souls. It takes hard work and dedication to build upon that foundation. Loving one another is the easy part.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Affairs IV
2. How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?
3. The Dark Side of Valentine’s

To ensure there was no doubt he spelt it out: “I was unfaithful, I had affairs, I cheated. What I did was unacceptable. – Tiger Woods

You know something is wrong when the mistress feels more cheated than the girlfriend or wife. The very definition of cheat[ing] in comparison to the nature of a committed relationship presents one hell of a messy contradiction. More telling is when the other woman feels slighted when apologies are made public to family and friends for indescretions, but not to her.  And that’s the thing about fantasies and affairs even after they are over. They provide an amazing fantasy world in a warped reality until warp speed malfunctions and fake bliss comes to a screeching halt.

It brings me to Tiger Woods recent apology about his affairs and the aftermath that continues to follow him since they became public. A horde of women have come forward to proudly declare themselves Tiger’s willing mistresses. This has been quite the eye opener since mistresses typically do not receive welcome receptions after affairs are brought to light. It’s also out of the ordinary for them to be so forthcoming about their role, especially with prior knowledge of a wife or girlfriend or worse, children. With that said, my interest in this has everything to do with contrasting the differences between lesbian and heterosexual affairs and expectations at the aftermath.

When my affair ended, I still cared about the feelings of my other woman. So much so that I was still calling her my “ex-girlfriend” when the truth was, she was my mistress, i.e., other woman (OW). I carried on as if she was simply an ex that I was naughty with, and she reciprocated those sentiments because that’s exactly what I told her she was. I said it multiple times during the course of the affair. In retrospect, I believe it was a last ditch attempt to continue to downplay, in whatever way I could muster, the truest nature of the relationship. When I begin blogging about it, I was reinforcing  that title, while also putting my prior actions on blast.

I was ready to come to terms with some of the lies, but not all because I was convinced of a truth based on lies. Deep down, no matter what I lead her or anyone else to believe, the relationship was fabricated and unfair to both women. It’s difficult to explain deep seated feelings in the midst of infidelity because while those feelings are very real, they can assist in continuing to distort reality because they are more real than any lie you’ve ever told. In that sense, they become a convenient excuse to continue down a path leading to nowhere. But at the end of the day, a lie is still a lie.

I read blogs authored by former and current mistresses and other women. I wanted to understand their perspective. My intent was to gauge how my ex-OW might have felt at the time that I started writing. I wondered if she felt the same as most of these OW’s. That staying with the wife or girlfriend is punishment in and of itself since things were so bad you resorted to having an affair. This is because they believed every negative piece ever said about the wife or girlfriend. Many believe the person they cheated with has moved on to someone else, is having sex with someone other than the girlfriend, or that sex with the girlfriend is punishment enough because they couldn’t possibly be satisfying in bed since you stepped out on them.

Let me tell you, these assumptions couldn’t be any further from the truth. When I was involved in the affair, it was not for lack of an already completely fulfilling sex life. The intimacy between my girlfriend and I was passionate, which made the discovery of the affair all the more hurtful. Most affairs have little to do with a lack of sex and more to do with emotional immaturity and wanting our cake and eating it too. The sexual aspect may be most telling in multiple instances of one night stands, or random hookups,  but most affairs are born of an emotional intimacy.

What I took away from those blog posts was that other woman tend to feel some manner of fierce resentment toward the girlfriend or wife that decides to stay. If the cheater wants to salvage the relationship there remains lasting resentment that manifests itself even a year after the fact. It’s understandable seeing as there are two sides to every story, but affairs can have up to three of four sides of a story depending on the circumstanes and parties involved.

If I could re-write some of my initial blog posts, I would, but I won’t because I want to be able to gauge my progress years from now. The point of this entry is to reinforce in my mindset that the responsibility of a cheating spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or lover when the affair has ended is to make amends to the person who hurts the most. There is no responsibility to the other woman or mistress, but to be able to one day clear my conscious and heal, I couldn’t help but feel for my ex-OW. As devastating as that thought may be, public apologies are only owed and should be reserved for the woman most deserving; the wife or girlfriend.

A short apology via e-mail, letter, or phone could prove beneficial and thrwat off retribution by the OW, but if the apology is not accepted, DO NOT dwell on it. Move on. Her feelings and emotions do matter but the greatest and only responsibility is to family.

It’s sickening to watch some of Tiger’s mistresses demand apologies and hire lawyers with ill intent. They all knew of Tiger’s home life and if they didn’t they could have google’d it. They knew he had a wife and two children regardless of any lies he told. Elin is the only woman in the position to make demands. The odds of her receiving an apology, public or private, from all of Tiger’s mistresses are slim.

I apologized to my OW until I was blue in the face and then apologized some more. If I had it to do all over again, I would say nothing. My apologies caused my girlfriend and OW additional hurt. Not only because I wasn’t directing 100% of my efforts on her and our relationship, but because my ex-mistress felt entitled to her apology and harbored hurt feelings. The title I gave her throughout the course of the affair caused her to feel entitled. It would seem absurd for any of Tiger’s mistresses to be upset with Elin. When personal attacks are directed at the cheaters girlfriend or wife, it is unacceptable. I caution any reformed cheater who wants to save their relationship to focus all energy into the woman who is truly entitled.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. A Cheater’s Guide To What’s In A Name
2. Unconditional Love and Self-Forgiveness
3. A Year Later Continued

Some cheaters are bold enough to see both women on Valentine’s Day. Imagine this. Your significant other is missing for a few hours that day. The reason she gives is believable so you think nothing of it. Especially since it’s family related. Besides, there are a thousand thoughts running through your mind about what’s in store for the day and later that night, and another woman isn’t one of them. I will tell you this; Valentine’s Day is a stressful time of year for cheaters. The best are able to play it off so well you would never know their anxiety level is high. Others are short-tempered leading up to the day because they are calculating and planning up to the hour. Any mistakes could be costly. But now is not the time to be concerned with anything. The excuse worked so it’s time to play.

One of the biggest ways of getting caught on or around Valentine’s Day is by having text messages, phone calls, and e-mails read or intercepted by a suspecting girlfriend. When a woman reaches her wits end she will sometimes do things she’d normally never do. Like invade your privacy. Others are willing to dismiss their roused suspicion for the sake of spending quality time with their cheater. Paying for gifts with credit or debit cards especially if they share a checking account with their significant other can get a cheater caught. I recall buying flowers for my girlfriend and my lover, paying with my debit card and praying I didn’t get caught when the statement arrived. I triple checked names and delivery addresses before submitting the order. Would the florist mix up the order, or worse, the messages? Most cheaters use a pet name when sending flowers to further avoid confusion in case of a mix-up. The anxiety that follows is consuming until everything is received exactly as ordered. Cheaters pull out all the stops on Valentines Day despite the fact that they’ve obviously been cheating before then.

There was one year in particular that I spent Valentine’s Eve with my other woman. I spent the night at her place even though she had to work half a day the next morning. We spent the entire day together since I wouldn’t be with her on V-Day. I gave a lame excuse but deep down I knew she knew whom I was really going to be with. I stayed in bed until the sound of the doorbell brought me out of a late morning slumber. I went to answer the door and was met by a delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers. That was interesting because the flowers I sent were scheduled to arrive on Valentine’s Day, in my absence. I accepted the delivery and sat them on the coffee table. She came home later that afternoon and upon seeing the flowers looked surprised. I told her they weren’t from me so she opened the card that was attached. Not only was it signed by her ex-girlfriend, but she had given my mistress her last name so it would appear that they were married. It was clever indeed, but I wasn’t sure what her ex was thinking, or whether it was really her ex that sent the flowers. I didn’t react that day, but I did take the card and receipt when I left that night. I must have dropped it in my car at some point because the next time I saw them they were in the hands of my girlfriend. And she wanted answers. I denied sending the flowers, but to explain the presence of these items would prove fruitless and did not matter anyway so I said nothing instead. I took the mental beat down that accompanied my silence. This was one instance where truth in the midst of lies is not really truth at all.

The point of all of this is to say that Valentine’s Eve or “Mistress Day” is just as commercially successful as Valentine’s Day. Don’t discount it. This certainly doesn’t apply to all relationships, just my personal experiences, and lots of others I’m aware of. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There is no justifying cheating no matter what, it’s wrong. You have two options; the hard one provides immediate relief and looming consequences and the harder one doesn’t provide any immediate relief but will bring a sense of piece of mind and looming permanent relief that is good, real and not a facade. The hard road consists of working on yourself and your relationship from the inside out. A girlfriend or wife’s suspicions will eventually add up. My advice is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship healthy or get out of it entirely. Anything to prevent cheating is worth trying.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Affairs IV
2. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I
3. Unconditional Love and Self-Forgiveness

kris wilson

Woman cheats on girlfriend. Woman gets caught. She survives a couple months of hell and after a year, maybe, she’ll eventually overcome. If she holds on and proves she’s truly sorry then the incident goes to show that the wake up call was alarming. There’s nothing standing in her way except her girlfriend and all her army.

I am one of the lucky ones. But that doesn’t mean the amount of promises and assurances I made have completely served their purpose and I’m finally free. My girlfriend knows just about everything I currently say or do with regard to my ex-girlfriend. And it is the one thing that scares me the most and leaves me my own version of vulnerable and wide open. That comes with having nothing to hide.

There are days where I’m haunted by my affair with my ex. The main reason is that I truly loved this woman. She wasn’t just a mistress or someone I was having a sexual affair with. My feelings felt and seemed as real and as deep as I proclaimed them to be time and time again. I knew the place where she was coming from and I reciprocated those feelings. I became addicted to her and the affection and feelings and promises we both made during the course of the relationship.

Those days I torture myself about the past are the days I need my own questions to be answered and asked. So I re-read e-mails I sent to my ex and my girlfriend and sometimes I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about the things I said and did. Damn the times when I make even myself cringe. She asked me after our affair ended why I didn’t either stop seeing her or leave my girlfriend.The easy answer is I loved them both, but that’s never good enough, not for a women so don’t even attempt to give that answer and think you won’t be questioned many times over. That may be the short answer, but there’s always a long one and that’s the one they deserve to hear. I imagine the things I’d tell my ex about my girlfriend and the things I’d tell my girlfriend about my ex and I question if there is any possible explanation that could aptly explain what was going through my mind while I was carrying on two relationships at once.

The knowledge that our relationship was beyond sexual is both relevant and irrelevant. We had a deep mental connection and that connection would go on to breed lies and deceit and anything I could concoct to keep things as they were.

Love is not to be fucked with.

And why couldn’t I ever learn that shit the easy way. Had she actually just been my mistress on the side, that’d be different, but she was far more than what I was projecting to myself and others. I felt the only woman I owed any apologies to was my girlfriend, but I was wrong.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Sex Addict Serial Cheater or Just a Jerk
2. When The Mistress Feels Cheated
3. Once, Twice, Three Times A Cheater

I remember telling her that I wanted to get my motorcycle tuned up before spring was over. The bottom line was I wanted the money repaid, I felt she owed it to me, and it was the last little bit of control I had over her. I knew she’d gotten paid that Friday and when we finally talked she told me that the new girl she’d  been talking to, who lived out of state, would be visiting over the weekend until Tuesday morning. I was shocked for no good reason really, but I tried my best not to relay that over the phone. I knew that since it had gotten to that point they would be intimate during the visit. It haunted me and I found myself in my girlfriend’s and ex’s shoes all at once. I still had clothes over at her place and a few other things that I wanted back. All the while, I wondered how she was moving on so quickly. Why didn’t she need more time to get over me? This self-centered cycle is what had gotten me into this mess in the first place. So many thoughts coupled with the multitude of actions and choices I’d made based on those thoughts manifesting themselves time and again. It was a destructive plight I was emotionally drained. I thought that maybe she was trying to take a page out of my book by telling me about the visit yet leaving out any mention of money. You can’t play a Playa I thought with self-righteous indignation.

After recovering from the surprise I was cool all weekend and I spent time with my teammates that Saturday after our flag football game. We lost. I spent all day Sunday on the beach with my girlfriend. Monday rolled around and she called me, we talked for a while that morning and I brought up the car insurance again. She said the new girl was leaving the next morning and I think it was at that point that I made the decision. That was the night of her big event as well. I had become a tad frustrated earlier on because I knew she had invited the new girl to her event. I asked her two weeks prior if the reason she didn’t invite me was because of inviting someone else and she swore up and down that wasn’t true, then hit me with the news on Friday. Taking a page right out of my book.

What a bigger fool I’d become. That evening I could not stop thinking about how hurt I felt about her dissing me. Something I had been doing to her and my girlfriend for the longest. Despite that, I said “fuck it” and decided to do something drastic. Something she wouldn’t see coming, and in retrospect, neither would I. It was my full intent to be done with her so I made up my mind and nothing was changing it. If I was deterred I wouldn’t do what I needed to.

When you finally make a decision that you want to cut off all contact and move on even if you aren’t 100% sure, you have to go with it. Most people do not. But, it is the exact thing that’s needed to begin the process of breaking completely free of an affair. It’s a very important realization. All avenues must be explored in breaking off the relationship, and subsequently all contact especially in lesbian affairs. I realized that my ex-girlfriend filled the position of second best for some time, but I projected so much of my emotional self into her and that’s where the added emotional haunts came into play. That’s why an emotional affair is more intense and ultimately more destructive than a physical connection only. That emotional connection was stark from the start, but I never felt like it was a good thing, I didn’t trust it as much as she did. I’d come to realize that I didn’t fully trust her and I didn’t know why nor did I understand it, but deep down it was because I didn’t trust myself and she understood that chararacteristic. She understood me too well which was in fact understanding a bahavior or pattern she’d come to accept in prior relationships. It gave me a free pass in some ways, but I never could embrace it because I knew it was wrong. And the uncanny similarities of what I was experiencing were sadly ironic.

Wednesday finally rolled around and I got off work at my second job, drove home, took a shower and relaxed for a while. I’d called her that morning because the girl was supposed to be gone by then, although she still hadn’t told me anything about making a payment. I knew she wouldn’t bring it up because it would somehow give me power. So in the back of my mind I had other selfish reasons why I wanted to comfront her and they are what dictated my actions. If nothing else, it personified a intensly growing need for closure. Karma will do that to you eventually. Force you into uncomfortable situations which you must come to terms with whether you accept it and dismiss it. I was walking into the situation with my eyes wide closed. Again. I called her home phone three times. No answer. Her cell phone had been turned off a couple days before, the same phone she wanted me to give her money to turn back on! I figured she could ask her new girl if it was that important. It was also at this point that I decided to use my key. And this is where it got interesting.

I remember walking up the stairs to her apartment and knocking on the door hard. I knocked a couple of times because I didn’t want any excuse for her not to answer before busting out my key. I remember thinking about that old school classic rock song’s lyrics ”knock three times on the ceiling if you…”, yeah so I knocked some more and I waited. Then I put my ear against the door and could hear music coming from somewhere inside the apartment. That was the straw. I found my key in my bag and I put it in the lock and turned it. I opened the door and looked into the familar place I’d come to know, but this time I was feeling surreal. Nevertheless, I entered and called out “hello” and soon I heard her voice answering me back from inside her bedroom. I could also hear another voice.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I
2. The Dark Side of Affairs IV
3. The Dark Side of Valentine’s