While reading the blog A Brown Girl Gone Gay, one of Alix’s entries captured my attention. It’s the one titled Love With Expectations and it’s a great post that touches on one of the most important aspects of any relationships longevity. That is the ability to examine, evaluate and meet each other’s expectations, which are next to impossible to love without. That doesn’t mean expectations will always be met. It is possible to love unselfishly, but I’m not so sure about loving completely and without wanting anything in return. It’s a paradox that can at times cause elation and at others pain, but the trick lies in managing them to the best of our ability. One thing I’ve learned is that when I have the highest expectation of only myself I don’t have to unfairly place that burden upon someone else.

My girl is attracted to me for a reason. It certainly isn’t for my fashion, fame or money. Ok, it’s my brains and brawn, but let’s be serious for a minute. Her expectations have changed over time while her love has grown. In turn, we compromise and adapt to changes with honesty and open communication. Many couples don’t make it because neither partner knows the other well enough to perceive when adjustments need to be addressed. Some unnecessarily fear rejection at the risk of not communicating anything at all. That benefits no one.

The key is to be clear about what we want. Not doing so will cause unwarranted resentment. We can alleviate a lot of frustration, hurt feelings and setback by bringing our subconscious to the surface and openly expressing ourselves to our significant other. I strive to remain conscious of those I care about and how they respond to and require my love and attention. Ultimately, people show you how to love them.

Bois, especially, need to be shown respect then love. For girls, it’s love then respect. When the basics aren’t present, the passion will fade.

My girl and I have certain needs that must be met, both physical and emotional. Her love language is 9-10 and mine is 8-9. We both desire physical touch and mutual affection to sooth, comfort and reaffirm our love and appreciation. While words of affection rank next for me, quality cuddle time is a must for baby. It helps that we enjoy each others company. Then come words of affirmation (for baby), and acts of service (for me).

There are times when I have to check myself for expecting more than I am giving. There is a healthy balance needed. The trick is to not become too comfortable with what you have. Appreciate the little things that are done out of love. Accept minor things you may dislike because they’re likely doing the same for you.

Compromise and communication work hand in hand with meeting and exceeding expectations in romantic relationships. The only thing we should measure is our willingness to reciprocate so that love can come easy. So that love becomes unconditional and grows beyond the limits of expectation. In the end, all we want is to love and be loved.

The excitement that goes into carrying on an affair is worlds apart from the emotions found within a long-term, committed relationship. Long-term relationships take work, and include some of the less attractive attributes such as taking care of the household finances, cooking, cleaning, keeping the passion alive and sharing responsibilities. By its very nature, an affair tends to focus strictly on the fun and exciting aspects of a committed relationship. Rarely do real life concerns negatively affect the world you’ve built around the affair. The downside is that stress becomes a major factor in many other areas of the adulterer’s lives.

I started a blog immediately after my affair ended because the emotional pain started to manifest itself physically. It was intense. Anxiety was at an all time high. I didn’t seek refuge in anyone, because I knew I didn’t deserve it. Not yet at least. I know it’s surprises some people, but yes, even reformed cheaters have very real feelings.  Ultimately, we do not deserve to be comforted in any way because we know exactly what we’re doing, and what we’ve done. So it was either write everything down or slowly self-destruct and pick up the pieces later on. I wrote. I bled myself of as much emotion about the affair as I could and I recorded everything. I documented the ending stages of the affair, including all of the events leading up to the last physical interaction with my other woman.

Still, I find it hard to read some of my earlier blog’s. I have grown drastically since my journey’s beginning and my outlook is not the same as it once was in relation to many aspects of my affair. I find it hard to read some of some of the comments in response to those blog’s. One in particular distinctly stands out. It was never approved, and it remains the only comment to date that I haven’t approved for my own personal reasons. I could not answer the question found within or bear to have it posted as a constant reminder of what every person thinks of someone who has cheated.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

That’s a mighty big assumption, but it’s belief is so widespread it’s tough to argue against. Personally, it sounds like something a habitual cheater came up with to justify their actions or addiction, but I do not believe it to be true. Regardless of the naysayer encountered along the way, it’s still necessary and healthy to have an outlet for ones emotions. Accompanying that outlet should exist a path to forgiveness. That accompanies the belief that infidelity is not some permanent affliction that one can never recover from. It’s a choice that one can most definitely choose never to make again. People cheat for many reasons, but they also possess the self-control needed to resist temptation.

Although blogging has helped immensely, I still don’t have all the answers to all of my internal questions. In fact, I’m discovering subtle nuances every day that help me to better understand myself. In relation to my girlfriend, myself, our relationship and the affair, I am in a place that I never thought I’d be. I am at peace with my past. I have also been met with some real tough questions that deserve answers. For those, I had to look deep within myself and pull out answers like I was pulling teeth. Maintaining the affair meant everything to me at the time, but once it was over it’s importance became so miniscule I couldn’t even remember what fueled it’s beginning. Self-awareness will do that to you. To understand why I became desensitized to the pain of manipulation was something I needed to get to the bottom of. You can only consider yourself an asshole or jerk for so long before realizing that to prevent the behavior from reoccuring you have to get to the root. For me it’s meant learning to bridge the gap between what I feel and what I think. Placing importance and appropriateness to my actions coincide with doing everything in my power to maintain emotional balance and health. With that said, I am more comfortable in my relationship than I have ever been, and this feeling encompasses every single aspect. Communication has been the defining force and real love has solidified its redefinining qualities. I feel free of the guilt of my actions, but not the memories.

My infidelity hurt me as much as it hurt my girlfriend in the long run. I have been faithful ever since and that’s a conscious decision that we all make, at least those who abstain. There is no fun in ruining someone’s life or hurting the one you love. I have no desire to disrespect my values or the values of those I love. People often change who they are faster than they can change the reputation their former actions have built. It makes it hard for people to remember the good. You can write a thousand poems and nobody know you’re a poet. Our past always travels with us, but why hold onto someone’s or even your own past when they’re living in the present, and looking to the future? The point is, so too should we look to our future when we’ve come to terms with our past.

I finally forgive myself. And I will tell you this, there is absolutely nothing that can take the place of forgiving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive is devine.

My greatest comfort is knowing that I simply want the best for everyone. My weakness was harboring a lust that was as destructive as my inability to forgive myself for my past indescretions had become. I learned that love has just as great a capacity for destruction as it does for healing.

If you want to work on your relationship then do not give up on it. Only you can determine its worth, and if you feel it’s worth saving you should do everything in your power to save it. Relationships aren’t fantasy and they damn sure aren’t perfect. Not only do they bring us some of the best moments in life, they set the foundation for unconditional love and committment needed to foster growth between two loving, adoring souls. It takes hard work and dedication to build upon that foundation. Loving one another is the easy part.

There is a dark side to Valentine’s Day that usually takes place the day of or the night before that special day. It’s the time most cheaters choose to spend with their mistresses. The reason for this is simple. Waiting until the day after V-Day is too obvious and the last thing they want her to think is that she a further after thought. Odds are she already knows she’s the other woman. She gets wined and dined first not because she is valued more, but because cheaters know just how special Valentine’s day is for all women; especially girlfriends and wives. Even if one or both women genuinely feel that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a commercial success, and it is, they still want to be acknowledged. They want to feel special, and only one of them is going to be okay with settling for less than, i.e., the day before or after V-Day. The cheater decides which one will put up less of a fight to determine who gets what day. It’s tough for women to listen to their girl friends go on and on about how they were romanced and swept off their feet when all they did was sit at home watching Law & Order reruns. Although a cheater could spend Valentine’s Day with both women, they realize that they can only spend the night with one.

Some cheaters are bold enough to see both women on Valentine’s Day. Imagine this. Your significant other is missing for a few hours that day. The reason she gives is believable so you think nothing of it. Especially since it’s family related. Besides, there are a thousand thoughts running through your mind about what’s in store for the day and later that night, and another woman isn’t one of them. I will tell you this; Valentine’s Day is a stressful time of year for cheaters. The best are able to play it off so well you would never know their anxiety level is high. Others are short-tempered leading up to the day because they are calculating and planning up to the hour. Any mistakes could be costly. But now is not the time to be concerned with anything. The excuse worked so it’s time to play.

One of the biggest ways of getting caught on or around Valentine’s Day is by having text messages, phone calls, and e-mails read or intercepted by a suspecting girlfriend. When a woman reaches her wits end she will sometimes do things she’d normally never do. Like invade your privacy. Others are willing to dismiss their roused suspicion for the sake of spending quality time with their cheater. Paying for gifts with credit or debit cards especially if they share a checking account with their significant other can get a cheater caught. I recall buying flowers for my girlfriend and my lover, paying with my debit card and praying I didn’t get caught when the statement arrived. I triple checked names and delivery addresses before submitting the order. Would the florist mix up the order, or worse, the messages? Most cheaters use a pet name when sending flowers to further avoid confusion in case of a mix-up. The anxiety that follows is consuming until everything is received exactly as ordered. Cheaters pull out all the stops on Valentines Day despite the fact that they’ve obviously been cheating before then.

There was one year in particular that I spent Valentine’s Eve with my other woman. I spent the night at her place even though she had to work half a day the next morning. We spent the entire day together since I wouldn’t be with her on V-Day. I gave a lame excuse but deep down I knew she knew whom I was really going to be with. I stayed in bed until the sound of the doorbell brought me out of a late morning slumber. I went to answer the door and was met by a delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers. That was interesting because the flowers I sent were scheduled to arrive on Valentine’s Day, in my absence. I accepted the delivery and sat them on the coffee table. She came home later that afternoon and upon seeing the flowers looked surprised. I told her they weren’t from me so she opened the card that was attached. Not only was it signed by her ex-girlfriend, but she had given my mistress her last name so it would appear that they were married. It was clever indeed, but I wasn’t sure what her ex was thinking, or whether it was really her ex that sent the flowers. I didn’t react that day, but I did take the card and receipt when I left that night. I must have dropped it in my car at some point because the next time I saw them they were in the hands of my girlfriend. And she wanted answers. I denied sending the flowers, but to explain the presence of these items would prove fruitless and did not matter anyway so I said nothing instead. I took the mental beat down that accompanied my silence. This was one instance where truth in the midst of lies is not really truth at all.

The point of all of this is to say that Valentine’s Eve or “Mistress Day” is just as commercially successful as Valentine’s Day. Don’t discount it. This certainly doesn’t apply to all relationships, just my personal experiences, and lots of others I’m aware of. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There is no justifying cheating no matter what, it’s wrong. You have two options; the hard one provides immediate relief and looming consequences and the harder one doesn’t provide any immediate relief but will bring a sense of piece of mind and looming permanent relief that is good, real and not a facade. The hard road consists of working on yourself and your relationship from the inside out. A girlfriend or wife’s suspicions will eventually add up. My advice is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship healthy or get out of it entirely. Anything to prevent cheating is worth trying.

It’s not a difficult pursuit unless the relationship ended so badly there is absolutelyno chance of reconciliation. Cultivating a true friendship after the romance is dead is especially difficult if the relationship was one dimensional throughout, i.e., the physical attraction overpowered an intense emotional connection that could have been established. If the friendship was solid prior to the onset of romance, then retaining it is likely to complicate matters of the heart and mind on a much deeper level. Hurt feelings will linger on longer in that regard. Once that relationship ends a transition period begins which includes revamping shared interests, goals, family matters and mutual friendships. 

 Single lesbians are well aware that ex-girlfriend’s lurking in the background have a propensity to interfere and delay progression, so they’d much rather you remain out of the picture.

Despite this, many lesbians are close friends with one or more of their ex’s. However, the ex-partners have to work very hard at dealing with the loss of not only the romantic relationship, but also accepting new boundaries. When anger, jealousy and grief are present remaining friends can be like watching two freight trains collide in slow motion. 

If you’re still in love with your ex, you probably didn’t want the relationship to end. You’re hurt, relieved or both depending on why it ended and odds are the situation is not idealistic for forming and maintaining a friendship on any level yet or maybe never. If you try too soon, hurt feelings will continue to resurface.  Until the healing process is complete, any attempt to be friends will have disastrous consequences. Give yourself at least one month for each year of the relationship to grieve its end.

If the reasons for the breakup have created a deeply negative sentiment that cannot be repaired in the foreseeable future, not only will you discover that your attempts will be thwarted at every turn, you will further cause yourself and ex additional distress. It is best to force yourself to move on by any positive means necessary.

Why then is remaining friends with ex-girlfriend’s as frowned upon as it is a widely accepted practice? If you can’t be a couple, friendship can provide a certain safety net and protective cover for the broken hearted or those afflicted with shattered pride. You may decide that friendship could be an open door either back to her heart or back into the comfort zone you grew so accustomed to. Women are most vulnerable after a breakup and there are times when an ex will try to take advantage of this. Most often it’s the result of a sense of fear of abandonment and being completely cut off from someone you once felt something for. Feelings of loneliness can be pervasive thus prompting a need to reconnect. In a figurative sense, these kinds of feelings are what keep couples in relationships long after it’s over. This feeling is natural, but the behavior is unhealthy. No matter how it ends, your intentions should remain realistic with boundaries respected by both parties. If neither can respect the others needs then a friendship will prove fruitless. While it is true that misery loves company, when one decides to move on to a new romantic interest, hurt feelings will crop up if that offer of friendship was based on deceit.

If an ex retains strong feelings she’ll likely look for any indication that there’s still a chance. When this happens it creates an air of discomfort especially when there’s been no resolve to the initial breakup, or if one or both are pursuing new romantic interests. This is a major reason why boundaries are put in place; to circumvent insincerity.

Couples who’ve experienced a clean break and want to remain friends should not be dismayed. Ex-lovers who have worked out their issues stand an excellent chance at reviving and cultivating a friendship. Not only do they work, they personify and breathe truth into the notion that with careful and diligent effort, a healthy relationship can be born. A good friendship should be regarded as a personal investement. Although temptation may rear its ugly head, it’s entirely up to the individual to determine whether they want to digress or progress. Friendships are as real and meaningful as we allow them to be, so communicate not only through words but precise actions. Determine if the pursuit is worth the quest. Ultimately, depending on your personalities and the situation, there should exist a solid grasp on whether or not a meaningful, platonic relationship can honestly stand a chance.

I’ve faked orgasms before. When I was young and didn’t know any better. I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want my lovers to know that they were not satisfying my needs. Instead, I practiced the art of giving pleasure and became very good at it. So good that I didn’t have to pretend to be a “touch me not” because by then I’d gotten it down to a science. My formula would serve to alleviate the frutration of not reaching orgasm because since I didn’t know how to please my body, neither did my lovers. 

Fast-forward a few years to the first time a girlfriend gave me an orgasm. It was mind blowing. My first girlfriend took me halfway there, but I’d never relinquished complete control of my body in such a forceful, unexpected and exhilarating manner before. Up to that point, no one had ever pleased me exactly as I wanted. I felt my toes curl, followed up by an addictive, wonderful rush. When I finally came down from the high, I took a few moments to think back and shake my head at the pathetic attempts I had made at faking the funk. When I compared the faked orgasms to the real ones, the differences were downright glaring and obvious. I couldn’t believe no one had called me on it or bothered to inquire at any point. After finally experiencing what I’d been missing for so long, I resigned myself to never fake an orgasm again.

On the journey of discovering the joys of orgasm, the first thing I needed to do was become completely comfortable with my body and myself. I had set patterns within the sexual aspects of my relationships that weren’t completely enjoyable, no matter how much my girl was being pleased. I was not communicating any of this so my girlfriend’s were unaware of my discontent. I became complacent and no longer catered to my wants, needs and sexual desires unless they centered around my desire for her. My entire focus shifted wholly onto pleasing my partners. To spare them and myself the disappointment of an unrealized orgasm, I’d decline their invitation to return the favor and discover other ways to wet my whistle.

Women don’t need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. Because of this, the deceit fueling fake orgasms  persists. But only for as long as you allow it to continue. Faking an orgasm is counter-productive no matter how much you want to spare your partners feelings or the disappointment it brings when they can’t give you release. Sex should be intense, not tense, and fun, not stressed.

The cures? Communication, lots of foreplay and honesty. Have you told your partner what is pleasing to you and what is not? Do you even know? If not, you need to find out what buttons to push, what spots make you drop it like its hot and this can be done by yourself or with your understanding partner. Masturbation is practical and recommended. If you’re a prude when it comes to pleasing yourself, you can work through it with the help of your partner. How can you tell someone else what pleases you if you don’t know yourself?  Faking orgasms only to express your discontent later on can cause major trust issues, not to mention the fact that it’s hurtful. If you aren’t satisfied after sex, it will begin to show in the relationship. It can manifest itself into other emotional areas of your life as well. There is a reason a womans glow is bright enough to be noticeable after she’s had great sex. Good sex radiates. The opposite can be said if she’s sexually frustrated.

Something we aren’t properly taught when it comes to sex is that along with everything else, practice makes perfect. Has the stage already been set for open communication? If not, it’s never too late. If you’re both the kind of lovers that are considerate and willing to learn together, you’ve got a recipe for success. It could be that neither were aware that the other was not having their needs met. Approach this with patience and understanding. If one or both of you is selfish, stubborn and unwilling to make adjustments to improve your sex life, you might want to reevaluate certain other aspects of the relationship. Ask yourself how your unwillingness to adapt coincides with your sex life. 

Another major detractor to the orgasm is a woman who is unable to relax, especially if she has a negative body image. Sexual pleasure can be greatly inhibited by the stress this causes. Our brain is our biggest sex organ and if her mind is on something else, such as worrying about her thighs or stomach or if she feels pressured to perform a certain way, it’s going to be more difficult for her to reach orgasm. 

Incorporating very direct and wide open communication into your sexual relationship will work wonders for your sex life. Look at it like this, what more could it hurt that isn’t already being negatively affected? Sex doesn’t always have to be one particular way. And since a woman doesn’t need intercourse to have an orgasm, she can achieve this high through a number of factors. Consider bringing toys into the bedroom even as a way to break the ice and release tension. Experiment and have fun, laugh a little while trying different positions. One of the most pertinent keys to a healthy sex life is confidence. I can’t say this enough. Foreplay, foreplay and more foreplay. It can be just as rewarding as sex. As a lead up to something extra special, taking your time can have her ready, waiting and wanting you in ways you’d never imagined. Sexually uninhibited women are made, not born.

On average, it takes most women between 20-30 minutes to reach orgasm. Depending on the circumstances, you’ll want to ensure she’s aroused by paying special attention to her body, its reactions, her verbal release, facial expressions, and previously communicated needs. Remember, nobody knows your body like you. Alternately, she knows her body better than anyone else, no matter what little white lie she told you stating otherwise. Communicate your desires, educate your lover, and don’t be afraid to give your partner the direction they may need when it comes time to please. Don’t be afraid to hurt feelings because in the long run, a healthy sex life makes for a much healthier relationship. 

Last, but not least while we’re on the topic. Have you ever faked not having an orgasm when you actually had? I’ll probably make a poll with that question if I don’t get any feedback. Thanks for reading.

image credit: matheus lopes castro

May-December relationships describe the romantic coupling where one person is significantly older than the other. I have always been fascinated with women who were older than me. When I was first discovered my sexuality and my only outlet for dating was the Internet, I managed to meet an older woman who later become my first girlfriend. It wasn’t until my early to mid-twenties that I started dating younger women, but I’d always revert back to dating older women. I had pre-conceived beliefs based on my own experiences and they revolved around my comfort factor with older women which was far more pronounced than what I’d experienced with younger girls. I also thought that my chances of having something real and lasting with an older attractive woman was higher than with the young hot girl who sat next to me in lecture hall. I didn’t know any better, but that thought process didn’t exactly turn out to be false, at least in my case.

Although she eventually broke my heart, I would go on to date older women well into my twenties. They are exciting, daring, intuitive, sexy and seductive and know exactly what they want and how to get it. If you wonder what you’d have to offer an age-gapped relationship due to the age difference, if you remember the old adage that sugar and spice make everything nice, you should take heed. It’s true and that should be the very least of your concerns if the attraction is stark and unmistakable. Just like with any relationship, these relationships can and do work. There will be differences to overcome, but once you are able to find what makes the both of you tick, those differences become minor and trivial.

Some of the keys to making a May-December relationship work are to take full advantage of open communication so that you can develop trust in your partner and confidence within each other. You should be comfortable being yourself and wary or losing your individuality. After all, it’s one of the things that attracted you to each other in the first place.

The biggest challenge I’ve faced is family acceptance. There have even been times when my mom has insinuated that I’m attempting to replace her motherly role because I prefer older women, but there’s no need to react defensively to such a thing. I’ve replied in the past saying that it’s entirely normal to want to go out into the world and date and eventually marry (?) someone whose personality and characteristics resemble that of ones mother. That always does the trick, but the sooner you’re okay with the age difference the sooner you will start demanding your respect by demonstrating that the relationship the relationship with or without your family’s blessing. Dealing with ageism and homophobia at the same time can be an extremely tough burden to bear, but with strength and confidence in your relationship and yourself it can be completely overcome.