The excitement that goes into carrying on an affair is worlds apart from the emotions found within a long-term, committed relationship. Long-term relationships take work, and include some of the less attractive attributes such as taking care of the household finances, cooking, cleaning, keeping the passion alive and sharing responsibilities. By its very nature, an affair tends to focus strictly on the fun and exciting aspects of a committed relationship. Rarely do real life concerns negatively affect the world you’ve built around the affair. The downside is that stress becomes a major factor in many other areas of the adulterer’s lives.

I started a blog immediately after my affair ended because the emotional pain started to manifest itself physically. It was intense. Anxiety was at an all time high. I didn’t seek refuge in anyone, because I knew I didn’t deserve it. Not yet at least. I know it’s surprises some people, but yes, even reformed cheaters have very real feelings.  Ultimately, we do not deserve to be comforted in any way because we know exactly what we’re doing, and what we’ve done. So it was either write everything down or slowly self-destruct and pick up the pieces later on. I wrote. I bled myself of as much emotion about the affair as I could and I recorded everything. I documented the ending stages of the affair, including all of the events leading up to the last physical interaction with my other woman.

Still, I find it hard to read some of my earlier blog’s. I have grown drastically since my journey’s beginning and my outlook is not the same as it once was in relation to many aspects of my affair. I find it hard to read some of some of the comments in response to those blog’s. One in particular distinctly stands out. It was never approved, and it remains the only comment to date that I haven’t approved for my own personal reasons. I could not answer the question found within or bear to have it posted as a constant reminder of what every person thinks of someone who has cheated.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

That’s a mighty big assumption, but it’s belief is so widespread it’s tough to argue against. Personally, it sounds like something a habitual cheater came up with to justify their actions or addiction, but I do not believe it to be true. Regardless of the naysayer encountered along the way, it’s still necessary and healthy to have an outlet for ones emotions. Accompanying that outlet should exist a path to forgiveness. That accompanies the belief that infidelity is not some permanent affliction that one can never recover from. It’s a choice that one can most definitely choose never to make again. People cheat for many reasons, but they also possess the self-control needed to resist temptation.

Although blogging has helped immensely, I still don’t have all the answers to all of my internal questions. In fact, I’m discovering subtle nuances every day that help me to better understand myself. In relation to my girlfriend, myself, our relationship and the affair, I am in a place that I never thought I’d be. I am at peace with my past. I have also been met with some real tough questions that deserve answers. For those, I had to look deep within myself and pull out answers like I was pulling teeth. Maintaining the affair meant everything to me at the time, but once it was over it’s importance became so miniscule I couldn’t even remember what fueled it’s beginning. Self-awareness will do that to you. To understand why I became desensitized to the pain of manipulation was something I needed to get to the bottom of. You can only consider yourself an asshole or jerk for so long before realizing that to prevent the behavior from reoccuring you have to get to the root. For me it’s meant learning to bridge the gap between what I feel and what I think. Placing importance and appropriateness to my actions coincide with doing everything in my power to maintain emotional balance and health. With that said, I am more comfortable in my relationship than I have ever been, and this feeling encompasses every single aspect. Communication has been the defining force and real love has solidified its redefinining qualities. I feel free of the guilt of my actions, but not the memories.

My infidelity hurt me as much as it hurt my girlfriend in the long run. I have been faithful ever since and that’s a conscious decision that we all make, at least those who abstain. There is no fun in ruining someone’s life or hurting the one you love. I have no desire to disrespect my values or the values of those I love. People often change who they are faster than they can change the reputation their former actions have built. It makes it hard for people to remember the good. You can write a thousand poems and nobody know you’re a poet. Our past always travels with us, but why hold onto someone’s or even your own past when they’re living in the present, and looking to the future? The point is, so too should we look to our future when we’ve come to terms with our past.

I finally forgive myself. And I will tell you this, there is absolutely nothing that can take the place of forgiving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive is devine.

My greatest comfort is knowing that I simply want the best for everyone. My weakness was harboring a lust that was as destructive as my inability to forgive myself for my past indescretions had become. I learned that love has just as great a capacity for destruction as it does for healing.

If you want to work on your relationship then do not give up on it. Only you can determine its worth, and if you feel it’s worth saving you should do everything in your power to save it. Relationships aren’t fantasy and they damn sure aren’t perfect. Not only do they bring us some of the best moments in life, they set the foundation for unconditional love and committment needed to foster growth between two loving, adoring souls. It takes hard work and dedication to build upon that foundation. Loving one another is the easy part.

There is a dark side to Valentine’s Day that usually takes place the day of or the night before that special day. It’s the time most cheaters choose to spend with their mistresses. The reason for this is simple. Waiting until the day after V-Day is too obvious and the last thing they want her to think is that she a further after thought. Odds are she already knows she’s the other woman. She gets wined and dined first not because she is valued more, but because cheaters know just how special Valentine’s day is for all women; especially girlfriends and wives. Even if one or both women genuinely feel that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a commercial success, and it is, they still want to be acknowledged. They want to feel special, and only one of them is going to be okay with settling for less than, i.e., the day before or after V-Day. The cheater decides which one will put up less of a fight to determine who gets what day. It’s tough for women to listen to their girl friends go on and on about how they were romanced and swept off their feet when all they did was sit at home watching Law & Order reruns. Although a cheater could spend Valentine’s Day with both women, they realize that they can only spend the night with one.

Some cheaters are bold enough to see both women on Valentine’s Day. Imagine this. Your significant other is missing for a few hours that day. The reason she gives is believable so you think nothing of it. Especially since it’s family related. Besides, there are a thousand thoughts running through your mind about what’s in store for the day and later that night, and another woman isn’t one of them. I will tell you this; Valentine’s Day is a stressful time of year for cheaters. The best are able to play it off so well you would never know their anxiety level is high. Others are short-tempered leading up to the day because they are calculating and planning up to the hour. Any mistakes could be costly. But now is not the time to be concerned with anything. The excuse worked so it’s time to play.

One of the biggest ways of getting caught on or around Valentine’s Day is by having text messages, phone calls, and e-mails read or intercepted by a suspecting girlfriend. When a woman reaches her wits end she will sometimes do things she’d normally never do. Like invade your privacy. Others are willing to dismiss their roused suspicion for the sake of spending quality time with their cheater. Paying for gifts with credit or debit cards especially if they share a checking account with their significant other can get a cheater caught. I recall buying flowers for my girlfriend and my lover, paying with my debit card and praying I didn’t get caught when the statement arrived. I triple checked names and delivery addresses before submitting the order. Would the florist mix up the order, or worse, the messages? Most cheaters use a pet name when sending flowers to further avoid confusion in case of a mix-up. The anxiety that follows is consuming until everything is received exactly as ordered. Cheaters pull out all the stops on Valentines Day despite the fact that they’ve obviously been cheating before then.

There was one year in particular that I spent Valentine’s Eve with my other woman. I spent the night at her place even though she had to work half a day the next morning. We spent the entire day together since I wouldn’t be with her on V-Day. I gave a lame excuse but deep down I knew she knew whom I was really going to be with. I stayed in bed until the sound of the doorbell brought me out of a late morning slumber. I went to answer the door and was met by a delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers. That was interesting because the flowers I sent were scheduled to arrive on Valentine’s Day, in my absence. I accepted the delivery and sat them on the coffee table. She came home later that afternoon and upon seeing the flowers looked surprised. I told her they weren’t from me so she opened the card that was attached. Not only was it signed by her ex-girlfriend, but she had given my mistress her last name so it would appear that they were married. It was clever indeed, but I wasn’t sure what her ex was thinking, or whether it was really her ex that sent the flowers. I didn’t react that day, but I did take the card and receipt when I left that night. I must have dropped it in my car at some point because the next time I saw them they were in the hands of my girlfriend. And she wanted answers. I denied sending the flowers, but to explain the presence of these items would prove fruitless and did not matter anyway so I said nothing instead. I took the mental beat down that accompanied my silence. This was one instance where truth in the midst of lies is not really truth at all.

The point of all of this is to say that Valentine’s Eve or “Mistress Day” is just as commercially successful as Valentine’s Day. Don’t discount it. This certainly doesn’t apply to all relationships, just my personal experiences, and lots of others I’m aware of. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There is no justifying cheating no matter what, it’s wrong. You have two options; the hard one provides immediate relief and looming consequences and the harder one doesn’t provide any immediate relief but will bring a sense of piece of mind and looming permanent relief that is good, real and not a facade. The hard road consists of working on yourself and your relationship from the inside out. A girlfriend or wife’s suspicions will eventually add up. My advice is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship healthy or get out of it entirely. Anything to prevent cheating is worth trying.