As hard as these relationships are to reconcile, the fact is you can gauge its potential by staring it right in the eye and accepting the ugly truth. Whether or not there is a future in the affair hinges on knowing if your affair partner has a future in their current marriage/relationship or if they even want one with you with the knowledge of a previously failed commitment. If they are single things can become more complicated.

I believed I was head over heels in love with my mistress, but also much to content to consider leaving my girlfriend. She was my stability and I wasn’t about to give up a sure thing for something wild, lusty, oddly intense and equally uncertain. There were just too many maybes and what ifs but ultimately I knew better – that leaving stability for uncertainty was no way to end a relationship and begin a new one.

The realization that my mistress was starting to move on, talk to other people romantically, and eventually date was just the jolt I needed. I couldn’t believe the woman I once felt so much for was moving on. But in the end, I realized it was exactly what I needed so that I could begin the tumultuous journey of rational, clear thought devoid of misdirected passion and its disastrous ramifications.

When dealing with instant attraction in affairs, whether physical or emotional, or what many describe as “lust at first sight,” its hard to keep in mind that like attracts like. The law of attraction dictates that our relationships are highly influenced by our expectations, focus, energy, consistency and how we feel. Eventually, you get what you ask for so be careful what you ask for.

Separating wants from needs to get to the root of the addiction and its behavioral manifestations (infidelity) is crucial. You must make yourself believe that to continue the affair will only bring heartache and sorrow because in the end, and it will eventually end, that’s is exactly what you will feel. Sad and heartbroken and only yourself to blame.

One way to address the root of the behavior doesn’t only involve you. It includes your affair partner and your significant other. You must find a way to unincorporate your needs from your affair partners lifestyle but that can only happen if it’s what you truly want. You have to want it without question, practically forcing yourself to do the right thing in the short term to reap the benefits in the long term.

If certain aspects of your relationship with your significant other have become stale and you begin looking elsewhere for intimacy and understanding, then fixing one part without working on the other will create ample opportunity for a blindside. When you’re putting tons of effort into adjusting thinking patterns with little to no adjustment as it relates to physical actions… you’ll end up right back where you started.

Honestly ask yourself if you want to be married or in a committed relationship, because that is the most important question you will need to answer before anything will truly change in your life.

Affairs are addictions and the temptation will always be there. For some, affairs are attempts to escape feelings and circumstances that are uncomfortable or not readily understood, coupled with a lack of desire to properly address the real underlying issue. A person with unresolved issues including past hurts that haven’t healed and/or needs that aren’t being met often escape to indulging in a number of vices. Things that can be deemed as addictive. Affairs are no different. Sometimes the escape is to another person. Addictions, like affairs, are entirely unhealthy.

As the person who has betrayed a significant other or spouse, it is your duty to seek an understanding of your own behavior. To simply concentrate on the behavior without understanding why you’ve done what you’ve done or what led to it it is counter productive. The lies and betrayal are morally wrong and there is no way around that but you’ll need to seek forgiveness from not only the one you betrayed but also yourself. This will come in time.

The road to ending an affair is a long and difficult one. You will grieve and sometimes the period of grief is long and drawn out. So getting your emotions under control is vital to gaining the knowledge and understanding necessary to figure out why you did it and how you can prevent it from happening again.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?
2. You Can’t Escape Your Cheating Past
3. The Dark Side of Affairs IV

I met my karma head on. After all, it was mine - I earned it, I deserved it, I knew it was coming and so I braced and prepared myself for the world of hurt the impact would cause. I stopped justifying my bad behavior and started facing my fears. I stopped running from commitment and seriously neglecting personal responsibilities and sacrificing my morals for a quick feel good fix.

I had to be completely honest with myself. I had to let the affair be a testament to my imperfect frailty. It is vital that you be honest with yourself and the person you’re having the affair with. I was in love with my mistress and there was a time following the affair when I couldn’t even admit that. When you’ve given a piece of your heart to someone, it is forever gone and you have to come to terms with that loss. The more you put it off, the worse off you become.

Cheating affects the lives of everyone around you. Because you’re not only lying to yourself, you’re lying to everyone else too. Living that lie often points to deeper issues that underlie the relationship you have with your significant other (yourself if you’re single or your partner if you’re in a relationship.) There’s usually something wrong or missing - a result of some negative force lying beneath the surface that is perpetually avoided or excused so that it continues. This immoral behavior is so easily recognized that it can be addressed or ignored altogether depending on what foot the shoe is on and who is wearing it. Cheating is easy and indiscriminate and it hurts innocent people who have absolutely nothing to do with the actions pursued, especially children.

Recognizing patterns of excess in our lives manifested through lust, sexual insatiability, physical and emotional attention wanted and sought using false promises of love and impassioned sex is a crucial step, but one that many cheaters often disregard until long after the affair has been exposed.

I didn’t have to read or do anything except to allow myself to experience the overwhelming weight of my actions as they crashed down on me, pulling me deeper still into a place I wasn’t  ready to go yet, to face questions about myself I wasn’t ready to answer. I had to feel a hurt so deep that felt so bad that any and all tears left within me dried completely up, leaving my heart feeling like a heavy burden upon my soul instead of being the life force that it is. Experiencing that kind of pain is what eventually caused me to snap out of the false comfort I’d created for myself and those around me for that 2 years time period.

I had to get played like a fool because that’s what I was and how I felt. Toward the end of my affair I was so hurt by the resulting actions of my ex and her attempts to protect herself from further pain by withdrawing, but not completely, that my emotions eventually shut down. The pain of loss that I felt was honest and true as far as I knew and while affected I let my words flow out of me like the emotions that had previously overwhelmed. I turned thoughts into words and emptied my heart. I was pissed off at myself and at her because I still wanted her, but I loved my girlfriend and there was no way to reconcile the two because what I had been doing was plain wrong.

In the end, life goes on, but what’s most difficult to remember is that love goes right along with it. Like people, love reinvents itself, yet remains timeless. We must do the same with the affairs aftershocks… by reinventing ourselves. Transfer any longing onto something beneficial or onto an available someone else. Seek outward inspiration like you sought that first fiery kiss that felt so good you could have floated up to heaven. Crave positivity and goodness, which cheating is not, like you crave peace of mind. When we mistreat our bodies through poor diet and lack of exercise, our bodies suffer and ultimately so do we. We are an extension of our physical selves. So to do our souls suffer greatly when we feed them garbage when what it really desires is healthy, life giving sustenance. Affairs are kind of like that. They are completely and utterly self destructive no matter how good the sex is or how far gone your emotions may be for the object of your affection. No matter how good it feels, a lie is a lie and it only serves to weaken our other truths and to delay our healing.

In the final chapter of my affair I penned a poem.

The Meanest Poem I Ever Wrote.

It’s funny how someone who once loved you can so easily forget the good while at the same vividly remembering the bad times.
Because those bad instances somehow negate the good shit?
No, it’s because those bad times are what ultimately lead to the end of an error.
I mean the end of a long over-through relationship.
If the new girlfriend so easily had you from the start, then be honest, she really didn’t have to try all that hard.
You were left wide open and ripe for the picking.
You wanted someone to move in with and to keep your pussy dripping.
To restore your peace of mind and relinquish loves fate.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, just be real is what I’m saying.
It’s even worse that you were trying to restore your relationship with me.
At the same time forming a new one with your new shining King.
Again, be real with yourself, if you know how to that is.
So used to being fake with your family and friends.
If you must know, I always found that social awkwardness repulsive.
I noticed how it took no time for you to find your new shining knight, while at the same time you couldn’t even keep on your lights.
Asking me to continue assisting you financially, because you couldn’t pay your bills, but didn’t want your new girl to see.
I should have known you were phony, your contrast was stark.
Shouldn’t have paid a damn thing, let you both sit there in the dark.
Your credit was bad and I’m glad I didn’t let you destroy that too.
You’ve got some nerve writing about needing to be rescued.
I did plenty of that while you fucked your new piece in the bedroom.
You found someone who was interested in the outward exchanges while you still expressed your love and want for me daily.
Again, you disgust me and in the end I realized you were mostly out for my money.
Your new love was curious about why you needed to console yourself all the while telling her one thing while telling me something else.
You were whoring your debt out to the highest bidder, Me, while lying to her about your availability.
And I use the word love very lightly in your case since you have no idea what it actually consists of, you fucking fake.
You were telling your new love all the sweet nothings you’d told me.
Regurgitated bullshit expecting her to write to you like me, recite you poetry and give you nice pretty things like me?
She couldn’t get on my level if I gave her my vocabulary.
Calling her my old familiar names, yet all the while my dumb ass still paid your bills because….
- those mother fuckers were not getting paid.
How about that knight of yours be my banker for a day and make good on the debt that you left me unpaid.
Your soul belongs to no one and you are without shame… although you should own up to your share for shit you did back in the day, mate.
You are too damn old to be playing these games.
I guess it would be too much to say “act your age,” since you act like you never grew out of your “daddy’s girl” phase.
It is my hope that you never find another like any others you’ve ever been with before me; remember Melanie?
Poor thing.
Hopefully, this new one teaches you the value of being a real woman who can be true to herself and stop being fake ’cause for real though.
All I saw was fake, from your hair weave to the cheap glue you’d use to the eyelashes you’d apply using that same tacky ass glue.
I never got to tell you I loved you dancing or standing still,
I never got to tell you that sometimes your underarms smelled.
-
I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH even though I chuckle at the smell, I mean the thought of it now.
I used to wonder how you didn’t gag at yourself at times, but when you smell funk long enough you get used to it right?
All these things I kept inside because… well, at the time I truly loved you and I thought I was your shining knight.
Time’s allowed me to clear my heart and now it’s time to clear my mind.
You had every right to write that blog but even more telling was the glaring lack of response.
How your sentiments seemed corny and your testimonials a big front.
Do me a favor and put your page back on private from now on.
And please watch what you write because I’ll come out on top.
Funny how karma works and how I don’t wish the bad kind on anyone.
But if clearing my mind makes you wish that bad bitch on me, it’s only fair since I’m putting it out there for all to see.
Let’s just hope there’s no backlash ’cause you ain’t all roses, Missy.
I know damn well my shit stinks, but I bite back when I hear a motherfucker talkin’ shit about me.
Peace.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Valentine’s
2. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I
3. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part II: Karma

She describes “Somi” (her nickname given to Osama) as a “monster, genius, poet, racist, woman-basher, very passionate, deeply sensitive, and confused” human being. She also speaks about his love of Western Culture –including an obsession with singer, actress, Whitney Houston – and Marijuana.

What has twitter been like for you?

Twitter brings the whole world together, but it’s been awful for me because I can write in English faster than I can think in English. I tell too much I’m afraid.

Can you give us a brief history of your life..for our readers who don’t know who you are?

I am an Egyptian-Sudanese-American novelist and poet. I was born in Omdurman, Sudan and my birth parents were murdered when I was six for speaking out against slavery and genocide in Sudan. I was then let for adoption and ended up with a Black American family in Washington,D.C. in 1979. I was eight and I grew up in America as an out-patient in Psychiatric Care. I credit the love of my Black American parents with saving my life and my sanity. I have become a successful television writer and novelist but most people know me right now because of Osama Bin Laden.

In 1993 after getting my American citizenship, I traveled back to North Africa and became a model and actress. I was young and dumb and became the mistress of Sudan’s Vice President Hasan al Turabi and later Osama Bin laden. Hasan mentored Osama and the son of Hasan, Isam, was Osama’s closest friend. The relationship was against my will but I have not denied doing everything I could to make Osama happy because I feared for my life.

A diplomat of the Sudanese government (Nadeem Gamal Ibrahim Quttub) wrote a book claiming you married Bin Laden, that you had a child with him and that you were happy. Mr. Quttub says  that you’re just pretending to hate Osama because you’re in America.

That’s completely false. His entire book is a lie. I have never loved Osama and I was never his wife.

When you heard the news of Bin Laden’s death how did you feel?

I felt a huge range of things. It’s hard to say to an American audience what I felt…they wouldn’t understand all of it. But I am glad he’s dead and I applaud President Obama for making the world a safer place. There is a misconception that I loved Osama and that’s not true. I never loved Osama. I had to survive and thus I did whatever was necessary to do that. Many have misconstrued my articulation of his complexity as romantic love. It’s more pity and compassion, because I actually knew him as a person long before he was famous.

Do you feel like the U.S. Had the right to go into Pakistan to find Bin Laden?

Humans never have the right to do anything on either side, so I will not take sides. All men are guilty of everything we’re suffering.

What kind of relationship did you and Osama Bin Laden have?

It started very abusive with rape. Then out of fear for my life I did everything to please him; I catered to him. It lasted for six months and it changed constantly. We had a lot of sex, but I also accompanied him and his men on hunting expeditions every Friday at Dahkla and we wrote poetry together. He liked to smoke a lot of weed and ramble for hours about how the world would be once he saved us by forcing the planet to become Muslim.

Did you know about his 3 other wives?

He had four wives in 1996 when I knew him. As far as I knew, they were in Khartoum. The lead wife, Najwa, hated me and tried to be difficult to no avail.

Recently you sent out a pic that showed nudity on twitter..would you say you’re comfortable with your body?

I come from a Nilotic river culture in Sudan. I don’t see nudity as sexual or particularly unconventional. I believe it’s an abomination for a woman’s breasts to be covered. I am a Womanist.

How people first react to you when they found out you were Osama Bin Laden’s mistress?

At first, because they only had my birth name…Naima Bint Harith, they were very professional and serious. I was treated with utmost respect. But after they saw that I was Black, and as many stated, not even Mixed Black…they became hostile and very cruel. Particularly Peter Bergen, a supposed Bin Laden expert, who makes his fortune writing books about Osama. He did a smear campaign against me and was very cruel and punishing. He said that I was jeopardizing the credibility of the books he’d already written. Americans didn’t want a Black woman to be called Egyptian for some reason. That was another issue. Derrick Bell, the famous American legal scholar told me that they didn’t want to put a Black face on Egypt.

In the raid..they found a huge cache of porn..was Osama a porn addict?

He loved sex period, but he was deeply ashamed of it. His men watched the porn probably more than he did. But yes, he watched. He had a thing for Whitney Houston and to a much lesser degree Julia Roberts and Iman. But that movie “The BodyGuard” was a big deal with Osama. He watched it all the time. He obsessed over Whitney Houston and rambled on about kidnapping her one day.

What’s something about Osama Bin Laden that people may not know?

That he rarely ever yelled. He was extremely sensitive and very soft spoken. He cried once when I saw him order someone in Ethiopia to be killed. He was a genius intellectually, he had a huge heart…but our Arab culture…and I can say this because I’m half Arab. Our Arab culture and the Islamic religion creates the breeding ground for this delusional type of warfare and machismo. Osama was a victim of Arab Islam as far as I’m concerned.

How has your life changed since your newfound fame? Better or worse?

My life is simply different. I am not comfortable in public, I fear for my children and we live in hiding. We move a lot. I am trying to continue my literary career with my latest novel, The Sexy Part of the Bible. It’s getting rave reviews and I’m glad that so many Black women love this book.

Do you like hip-hop music? If yes..who’s your favorite artists?

I like the old school hip hop. I grew up on KRS ONE, MC Lyte, Eric B. and Rakim. I guess Lauryn Hill would be my favorite hip hop artist.  But what I hate about Hip Hop culture is the chronic Colorism, the Anti-Black imagery in the videos and magazines. They all want to be White, everything is all about
Mulatto women, they’re all fake and bling bling. I don’t enjoy the Anti-Black images and the hatred for the mother of our race, the Dark skinned black woman. She is the real true Black woman, the Mother of Africa and all humans. It’s a disgrace that she is not celebrated as young, beautiful and hip and hopping because she’s the eternal goddess. Don’t give a fuck what rappers say. They’ve become the new White trash.

What are your future plans? Any movies or documentaries in the works?

The rights to my autobiography, “Diary of a Lost Girl” are up for sale and I hope to see it made into a movie. I want Naomie Harris to play me. If not her, then I really believe the model Naomi Campbell should be given a chance. She’s interested in the part.

Eso Won Books in Los Angeles has banned your new novel “The Sexy Part of the Bible.” Why did they do that?

They haven’t given any answer other than they feel that I hate Black men and mixed race/biracial people—which is totally not true. But from earlier novels I’ve written, they feel that I unfairly attack Black Men and that my refusal to see Mixed people as Black means I hate them. It doesn’t. No one in Africa sees Mixed/Biracial as Blacks. Period. It’s an African thing its not personal. I love anyone who loves me.

Any shout-outs or acknowledgments that you’d like to do?

Yes, a shout out to Johnny Temple, publisher of Akashic Books, for making my latest book “The Sexy Part of the Bible” available in England and Africa. It reveals the horrors of skin bleaching in African cultures and that’s a story that needs to be examined. I also thank him for letting Jesus be Black and leaving the controversial sex scene with Jesus in. Many find the book shocking, but it’s important to challenge the status quo and to make new artistic expressions.

Official Website
http://www.kolaboof.com

Kola’s Books on AALBC.com
http://aalbc.com/authors/kola_boof.htm

www.twitter.com/Kolaboof

Buy her latest book “The Sexy Part of the Bible” on Amazon.

This Exclusive Interview is courtesy of:  The Black Urban Times

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Interview with Leisha Hailey of Uh Huh Her
2. When The Mistress Feels Cheated
3. Newt Gingrich’s Family Values and the Politics of Infidelity

image: seanmart.com

Upon further examination, it seems more likely that he is one of the smartest people in their political circle because they agree with and give credence to his ideology. What they consider brilliance is little more than masterful manipulation with words, actions, or both. And quite frankly, it takes a pretty smart person to pull it off for as long as Newt Gingrich has.

In politics, infidelity runs so deep that it is no longer considered a career ender when an affair is brought to light. Except, of course, if one has engaged in an affair of the toe tapping (Larry Craig), intern harassing (Mark Foley) homosexual variety. For Republicans, being outed as, or associated with anything gay is, by all accounts, “the” political career killer.

The winds of change shift every time a repentent bible thumber who has been exposed for adultery is forgiven, because they have repented and now have God on their side.

It should be noted that, at one time, adultery was an automatic disqualification for those who aspired to public and/or political office. This is no longer the case. Few people would agree that Newton Leroy Gringrich’s past serial adultery makes him unfit for the office of the presidency. No thanks due in part to former President William Jefferson Clinton who made famous the phrase, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky,” when every Congressman and their mother knew the omission was patently false.

Little known to most Americans until around 2007 was the true story of how Newt Gingrich, Republican Speaker of the House and one of the most powerful men in Washington at the time, was engaged in his own extramarital affair. He was in the midst of the affair when he, along with a slew of other red-handed hypocrites, headed Clinton’s impeachment proceedings. Under Gingrich’s direct leadership, the GOP launched a multimillion-dollar ad campaign aimed at exposing Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky to the American people.

Newt had this to say about the revelation of his affair:

“The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge. I drew a line in my mind that said, ‘Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being.’ As a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept … perjury in your highest officials.”

The difference lies in the fact that Newt didn’t deny his affair during testimony, while under oath, in a court of law. And because he was never asked he had absolutely no chance to deny the affair, nor did he have reason to admit to it. Admittedly, he is absolutely correct in the legal sense. Clinton was impeached because he lied while under oath, resulting from affairs with Linda Tripp, Paula Jones, Lewinsky and others, and not because he had sexual relationships with these women.

As one of the most recognized members of the GOP, the party best known for shouting its family values, morals, and the sanctity of marriage from the rooftops, Gingrich embodies American Conservativism. He also embodies that of a serial adulterer, sex addict, and your run of the mill misogynist.

Say what you will, but in the tumultuous world of politics, Newt is a survivor who can parlay with the best of them. He, at one time, vocally criticized every single wrongdoing of the Democratic Party to try to bring them down.

Of the big Republican and Democratic nominees pondering a run for the office of the President in 2008, a surprising number could have been considered, at one time or another, serial adulterers.

“Sen. John McCain (affair, divorce), former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (affair, divorce, affair, divorce), and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani (divorce, affair, nasty divorce). Gingrich even ran for office in ‘78 under the slogan “Let Our Family Represent Your Family” while cheating on his wife. He would go on to divorce her following the election. Let’s not forget the despicable John Edwards (D) who carried on an affair and fathered a child while his wife fought the battle of her life against terminal breast cancer.

But back to Gingrich, whose affairs are most alluring because he frequently campaigned under the family values platform. A short timeline follows:

He divorced his second wife, Marianne, in 2000 after his attorneys acknowledged his affair with his current wife, Callista Bisek, a former congressional aide more than 20 years his junior. His first marriage, to former high school geometry teacher, Jackie Battley, ended in divorce in 1981. They married at 18, but he reportedly begins secretly dating her at the tender age of 16, while still in high school.

“The Cato Institute records that Gingrich “famously visited Jackie, his first wife, in the hospital where she was recovering from uterine cancer surgery to discuss details of the impending divorce. He later resisted paying alimony and child support for his two daughters, causing a church to take up a collection. For all of his talk of religious faith and the importance of God, Gingrich left his congregation over the pastor’s criticism of his divorce.”

After 18 years of marriage to his second wife, he asked for a divorce. He’d been having an affair with his soon to be, and current third wife, for 6 years prior. He decided to follow in her footsteps and convert to Roman Catholicism, after which time he was granted an annulment of his second marriage of 18 years. The reason for the annulment was that his former wife had been previously married, and his current wife was active in the church, including singing in the choir, all the while sleeping with the married Gingrich. Apparently, annulment looks better on paper than divorce.

If Bill and Hillary Clinton’s marriage can be publicly dissected on the front page of every newsstand, why should the marital infidelities of other GOP and Democratic candidates be off limits?

The bottom line is this, what bothers most people about Gingrich is not that he cheated on his first wife while she was sick, and his second wife while she was sick, but it is that he had and still has the gall to get on a national podium and lecture the rest of us about family values and morality. He’s not a big fan of taking his own advice.

How can you lecture anyone about the sanctity of marriage while so blatantly ignoring those very ideals yourself? We can all agree that infidelity does not disqualify a man or woman from public office, nor should it. We’d be unable to run the country if that were the case, but it does disqualify them from making lectures and soap box speeches that point to that very thing. It’s his glaring hypocrisy that knows no bounds, and speaks to a character lacking integrity. It’s his defense of “the sanctity of marriage,” and his anti-same sex marriage stance. Here is a man who clearly has no respect for marriage’s sanctity outside of it being an institution that suits him whenever he feels fit, and when his wife, whoever she may be at the time, is without illness.

President “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” Gingrich? Ugh. Will a serious GOP candidate please stand up? Republicans will have to come a lot better than this.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Politics As Warfare
2. The American Fall: Protesters Occupy Wall Street
3. Obama’s Health Care Victory Leaves Conservatives Stuck On Stupid… Again

Pain begets pain, I tell myself, to offset the need to start a confessional with each and every one of them. Some days, the questions I pose eat at me until there’s nothing left but a big gaping hole. What drove me to make those terrible decisions? And would I still be where I am today had I not made those choices? Somewhere along the way I came to the conclusion that if I can’t escape my past I might as well embrace it head on.

That’s where I’m at today. I’ve created the climate my current emotional state is in. We all do it to ourselves. The negative aspects of such a climate is this; rather than accept that we have problems, we justify them. Rather than accept that we need to change, we justify why we can’t or shouldn’t. For some, it’s easier to just give up than to make progress. It’s easier to simply be, than it is to change for the better. This was a product of my mindset as it related to the cheating and infidelity that ruled my world 3+ years ago.

Cheating is so rampant nowadays that it’s becoming almost commonplace to have an affair. It’s almost like a rite of passage in some aspects. And still, at the heart of every affair lies a major problem. The affair is a symptom of the problem, and contrary to popular belief, even relationships that have strong foundations are crippled by affairs. The fix lies in recognizing the problem for what it is, and seeking the necessary help to prevent the symptoms of the problem from cropping up again.

You can’t have one without the other. What I mean is, you can’t fix the symptom (cheating), and leave the root of problem untouched, thinking that everything is going to be okay because you stopped the symptom from reoccurring. Most cheaters try and fail multiple times because they can’t grasp that simple concept.

The affair is an escape from reality, or a way to cope with the reality you’ve resigned yourself to existing in. This, of course, in no way diminishes the fact that it’s still an affair. Trust has been broken, hearts have been crushed, and the damage is still done at the end of the day, and where are you? Gratified sexually, but in mental turmoil. It’s like getting off to a particularly raunchy piece of porn, but feeling filthy afterwards.

Affairs happen for a number of reasons, including not getting your needs met, sex addiction, or possessing self-destructive tendencies that aim to systematically destroy a relationship, or cause enough hurt so that the other person leaves, because at least you were in control of it instead of not knowing when their love would abandon you. The list goes on. In some select cases, it can be a result of childhood or early adolescent trauma or some other serious unresolved issue that began early in life and went on to affect personal and intimate relationships well into adulthood.

The bottom line is that you must get to the core of what motivated you to cheat in the first place. Once that issue is addressed, not necessarily resolved, but addressed to start, you can begin to make progress. The keyword here is progress. And that’s a serious word because most serial cheaters can and do move quickly between relationships, leaving a trail of empty hearts, broken promises, and a whole lot of hurt in their wake. For those individuals, the problem goes beyond the standard once in a lifetime cheating episode.

Self-reflection is absolutely necessary in the healing stages, and recovery process. It is vital every step you take out of the murky blackness that surrounds after the affair has been brought to light. It’s also a valuable and important part of the process of understanding why that particular behavior was chosen. It took years for me to understand why I behaved the way I did in relationships. Why it was crucial for me to have a woman on reserve… just in case things didn’t work or she stopped loving me.  Believe it or not, it was all I knew.

I never recovered from my initial heartbreak. I didn’t realize then that I was a bonafide other woman. Lock, stock and barrel. I never healed, never got closure when the relationship went south, and I didn’t become stronger and better able to deal with the uncertainty in my next relationship. The next was just as messy as the first, with it’s rays of beauty shining through every now and then. I lived for those rays. I didn’t grow from the experience until I began to reflect on the experience. I hurt, and I allowed the hurt to carry me instead of healing and becoming stronger. 

The only way to be absolutely happy in any relationship is to feel free. The only way to save your relationship after the affair is to commit yourself to going through the healing process all the way. If you do, your relationship will be stronger, better, and more open than it was before. If you can’t or won’t commit, don’t bother. Contrary to popular belief, affairs have little to do with having overwhelming sexual desire for another person, and everything to do with masking significant dysfunctional problems in a relationship by simply focusing on what your body and mind is telling you that you need… freedom. Affairs, oddly enough, can provide a constant dose of free feeling adrenaline. That  rush will keep you coming back for more, even though it’s entirely self-destructive and unsustainable.

In the grand scheme, it must be noted, realized and accepted that there was something going on with you before the infidelity occurred. That thing must be prodded, poked, and analyzed before you can move forward. Since discovering an affair is an eye opening experience, once your loved ones eyes are open, they’re going to stay open. Can you blame them? You have unresolved issues, unmet needs, and unspoken words. You’re a hot mess even though you’ve convinced yourself otherwise. If there is any hope at saving the relationship, you must come to terms. Closure, regardless of what it consists of, is necessary, especially for the person you cheated on.

Cheating used to be the deal-breaker in the relationship. As it’s become more commonplace, so has forgiving a cheater. It’s up to the couple to decide if there exists any sustainable reason for them to give the relationship another chance.

The motivation to stay should be a realistic one. If you’re staying out of guilt, pride, or pity, it won’t last. It’s not the be all to end all, but a good therapist can work wonders. The hurt and pain you dished out while you were out cheating on your partner won’t  just go away on its own.

 If there’s no closure, the memory of the affair and everything surrounding it can be almost unbearable depending on how you left things in the end.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?
2. On Ending The Affair
3. Unconditional Love and Self-Forgiveness

I started a blog immediately after my affair ended because the emotional pain started to manifest itself physically. It was intense. Anxiety was at an all time high. I didn’t seek refuge in anyone, because I knew I didn’t deserve it. Not yet at least. I know it’s surprises some people, but yes, even reformed cheaters have very real feelings.  Ultimately, we do not deserve to be comforted in any way because we know exactly what we’re doing, and what we’ve done. So it was either write everything down or slowly self-destruct and pick up the pieces later on. I wrote. I bled myself of as much emotion about the affair as I could and I recorded everything. I documented the ending stages of the affair, including all of the events leading up to the last physical interaction with my other woman.

Still, I find it hard to read some of my earlier blog’s. I have grown drastically since my journey’s beginning and my outlook is not the same as it once was in relation to many aspects of my affair. I find it hard to read some of some of the comments in response to those blog’s. One in particular distinctly stands out. It was never approved, and it remains the only comment to date that I haven’t approved for my own personal reasons. I could not answer the question found within or bear to have it posted as a constant reminder of what every person thinks of someone who has cheated.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

That’s a mighty big assumption, but it’s belief is so widespread it’s tough to argue against. Personally, it sounds like something a habitual cheater came up with to justify their actions or addiction, but I do not believe it to be true. Regardless of the naysayer encountered along the way, it’s still necessary and healthy to have an outlet for ones emotions. Accompanying that outlet should exist a path to forgiveness. That accompanies the belief that infidelity is not some permanent affliction that one can never recover from. It’s a choice that one can most definitely choose never to make again. People cheat for many reasons, but they also possess the self-control needed to resist temptation.

Although blogging has helped immensely, I still don’t have all the answers to all of my internal questions. In fact, I’m discovering subtle nuances every day that help me to better understand myself. In relation to my girlfriend, myself, our relationship and the affair, I am in a place that I never thought I’d be. I am at peace with my past. I have also been met with some real tough questions that deserve answers. For those, I had to look deep within myself and pull out answers like I was pulling teeth. Maintaining the affair meant everything to me at the time, but once it was over it’s importance became so miniscule I couldn’t even remember what fueled it’s beginning. Self-awareness will do that to you. To understand why I became desensitized to the pain of manipulation was something I needed to get to the bottom of. You can only consider yourself an asshole or jerk for so long before realizing that to prevent the behavior from reoccuring you have to get to the root. For me it’s meant learning to bridge the gap between what I feel and what I think. Placing importance and appropriateness to my actions coincide with doing everything in my power to maintain emotional balance and health. With that said, I am more comfortable in my relationship than I have ever been, and this feeling encompasses every single aspect. Communication has been the defining force and real love has solidified its redefinining qualities. I feel free of the guilt of my actions, but not the memories.

My infidelity hurt me as much as it hurt my girlfriend in the long run. I have been faithful ever since and that’s a conscious decision that we all make, at least those who abstain. There is no fun in ruining someone’s life or hurting the one you love. I have no desire to disrespect my values or the values of those I love. People often change who they are faster than they can change the reputation their former actions have built. It makes it hard for people to remember the good. You can write a thousand poems and nobody know you’re a poet. Our past always travels with us, but why hold onto someone’s or even your own past when they’re living in the present, and looking to the future? The point is, so too should we look to our future when we’ve come to terms with our past.

I finally forgive myself. And I will tell you this, there is absolutely nothing that can take the place of forgiving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive is devine.

My greatest comfort is knowing that I simply want the best for everyone. My weakness was harboring a lust that was as destructive as my inability to forgive myself for my past indescretions had become. I learned that love has just as great a capacity for destruction as it does for healing.

If you want to work on your relationship then do not give up on it. Only you can determine its worth, and if you feel it’s worth saving you should do everything in your power to save it. Relationships aren’t fantasy and they damn sure aren’t perfect. Not only do they bring us some of the best moments in life, they set the foundation for unconditional love and committment needed to foster growth between two loving, adoring souls. It takes hard work and dedication to build upon that foundation. Loving one another is the easy part.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Affairs IV
2. How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?
3. The Dark Side of Valentine’s

Some cheaters are bold enough to see both women on Valentine’s Day. Imagine this. Your significant other is missing for a few hours that day. The reason she gives is believable so you think nothing of it. Especially since it’s family related. Besides, there are a thousand thoughts running through your mind about what’s in store for the day and later that night, and another woman isn’t one of them. I will tell you this; Valentine’s Day is a stressful time of year for cheaters. The best are able to play it off so well you would never know their anxiety level is high. Others are short-tempered leading up to the day because they are calculating and planning up to the hour. Any mistakes could be costly. But now is not the time to be concerned with anything. The excuse worked so it’s time to play.

One of the biggest ways of getting caught on or around Valentine’s Day is by having text messages, phone calls, and e-mails read or intercepted by a suspecting girlfriend. When a woman reaches her wits end she will sometimes do things she’d normally never do. Like invade your privacy. Others are willing to dismiss their roused suspicion for the sake of spending quality time with their cheater. Paying for gifts with credit or debit cards especially if they share a checking account with their significant other can get a cheater caught. I recall buying flowers for my girlfriend and my lover, paying with my debit card and praying I didn’t get caught when the statement arrived. I triple checked names and delivery addresses before submitting the order. Would the florist mix up the order, or worse, the messages? Most cheaters use a pet name when sending flowers to further avoid confusion in case of a mix-up. The anxiety that follows is consuming until everything is received exactly as ordered. Cheaters pull out all the stops on Valentines Day despite the fact that they’ve obviously been cheating before then.

There was one year in particular that I spent Valentine’s Eve with my other woman. I spent the night at her place even though she had to work half a day the next morning. We spent the entire day together since I wouldn’t be with her on V-Day. I gave a lame excuse but deep down I knew she knew whom I was really going to be with. I stayed in bed until the sound of the doorbell brought me out of a late morning slumber. I went to answer the door and was met by a delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers. That was interesting because the flowers I sent were scheduled to arrive on Valentine’s Day, in my absence. I accepted the delivery and sat them on the coffee table. She came home later that afternoon and upon seeing the flowers looked surprised. I told her they weren’t from me so she opened the card that was attached. Not only was it signed by her ex-girlfriend, but she had given my mistress her last name so it would appear that they were married. It was clever indeed, but I wasn’t sure what her ex was thinking, or whether it was really her ex that sent the flowers. I didn’t react that day, but I did take the card and receipt when I left that night. I must have dropped it in my car at some point because the next time I saw them they were in the hands of my girlfriend. And she wanted answers. I denied sending the flowers, but to explain the presence of these items would prove fruitless and did not matter anyway so I said nothing instead. I took the mental beat down that accompanied my silence. This was one instance where truth in the midst of lies is not really truth at all.

The point of all of this is to say that Valentine’s Eve or “Mistress Day” is just as commercially successful as Valentine’s Day. Don’t discount it. This certainly doesn’t apply to all relationships, just my personal experiences, and lots of others I’m aware of. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There is no justifying cheating no matter what, it’s wrong. You have two options; the hard one provides immediate relief and looming consequences and the harder one doesn’t provide any immediate relief but will bring a sense of piece of mind and looming permanent relief that is good, real and not a facade. The hard road consists of working on yourself and your relationship from the inside out. A girlfriend or wife’s suspicions will eventually add up. My advice is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship healthy or get out of it entirely. Anything to prevent cheating is worth trying.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Affairs IV
2. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I
3. Unconditional Love and Self-Forgiveness

Topic Request: From the prespective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

I’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. On Ending The Affair
2. Unconditional Love and Self-Forgiveness
3. The Dark Side of Affairs IV