The Swag Report » How To Keep The Girl

You Can’t Escape Your Cheating Past

Knowledge — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 00:50:29 +0000

You can run from it temporarily, but you can’t outrun the past forever. Ever tried running from yourself? It’s impossible. Sometimes I feel a profound sense of grief when I come to terms with the reality of my past decisions. What made me decide to cheat on my girlfriend? What about the ones before her? Yes, plural. There are others out there; women who have loved me with the force of a thousand suns, but I could never muster the courage to tell them that I was unfaithful.

Pain begets pain, I tell myself, to offset the need to start a confessional with each and every one of them. Some days, the questions I pose eat at me until there’s nothing left but a big gaping hole. What drove me to make those terrible decisions? And would I still be where I am today had I not made those choices? Somewhere along the way I came to the conclusion that if I can’t escape my past I might as well embrace it head on.

That’s where I’m at today. I’ve created the climate my current emotional state is in. We all do it to ourselves. The negative aspects of such a climate is this; rather than accept that we have problems, we justify them. Rather than accept that we need to change, we justify why we can’t or shouldn’t. For some, it’s easier to just give up than to make progress. It’s easier to simply be, than it is to change for the better. This was a product of my mindset as it related to the cheating and infidelity that ruled my world 3+ years ago.

Cheating is so rampant nowadays that it’s becoming almost commonplace to have an affair. It’s almost like a rite of passage in some aspects. And still, at the heart of every affair lies a major problem. The affair is a symptom of the problem, and contrary to popular belief, even relationships that have strong foundations are crippled by affairs. The fix lies in recognizing the problem for what it is, and seeking the necessary help to prevent the symptoms of the problem from cropping up again.

You can’t have one without the other. What I mean is, you can’t fix the symptom (cheating), and leave the root of problem untouched, thinking that everything is going to be okay because you stopped the symptom from reoccurring. Most cheaters try and fail multiple times because they can’t grasp that simple concept.

The affair is an escape from reality, or a way to cope with the reality you’ve resigned yourself to existing in. This, of course, in no way diminishes the fact that it’s still an affair. Trust has been broken, hearts have been crushed, and the damage is still done at the end of the day, and where are you? Gratified sexually, but in mental turmoil. It’s like getting off to a particularly raunchy piece of porn, but feeling filthy afterwards.

Affairs happen for a number of reasons, including not getting your needs met, sex addiction, or possessing self-destructive tendencies that aim to systematically destroy a relationship, or cause enough hurt so that the other person leaves, because at least you were in control of it instead of not knowing when their love would abandon you. The list goes on. In some select cases, it can be a result of childhood or early adolescent trauma or some other serious unresolved issue that began early in life and went on to affect personal and intimate relationships well into adulthood.

The bottom line is that you must get to the core of what motivated you to cheat in the first place. Once that issue is addressed, not necessarily resolved, but addressed to start, you can begin to make progress. The keyword here is progress. And that’s a serious word because most serial cheaters can and do move quickly between relationships, leaving a trail of empty hearts, broken promises, and a whole lot of hurt in their wake. For those individuals, the problem goes beyond the standard once in a lifetime cheating episode.

Self-reflection is absolutely necessary in the healing stages, and recovery process. It is vital every step you take out of the murky blackness that surrounds after the affair has been brought to light. It’s also a valuable and important part of the process of understanding why that particular behavior was chosen. It took years for me to understand why I behaved the way I did in relationships. Why it was crucial for me to have a woman on reserve… just in case things didn’t work or she stopped loving me. Believe it or not, it was all I knew.

I never recovered from my initial heartbreak. I didn’t realize then that I was a bonafide other woman. Lock, stock and barrel. I never healed, never got closure when the relationship went south, and I didn’t become stronger and better able to deal with the uncertainty in my next relationship. The next was just as messy as the first, with it’s rays of beauty shining through every now and then. I lived for those rays. I didn’t grow from the experience until I began to reflect on the experience. I hurt, and I allowed the hurt to carry me instead of healing and becoming stronger.

The only way to be absolutely happy in any relationship is to feel free. The only way to save your relationship after the affair is to commit yourself to going through the healing process all the way. If you do, your relationship will be stronger, better, and more open than it was before. If you can’t or won’t commit, don’t bother. Contrary to popular belief, affairs have little to do with having overwhelming sexual desire for another person, and everything to do with masking significant dysfunctional problems in a relationship by simply focusing on what your body and mind is telling you that you need… freedom. Affairs, oddly enough, can provide a constant dose of free feeling adrenaline. That rush will keep you coming back for more, even though it’s entirely self-destructive and unsustainable.

In the grand scheme, it must be noted, realized and accepted that there was something going on with you before the infidelity occurred. That thing must be prodded, poked, and analyzed before you can move forward. Since discovering an affair is an eye opening experience, once your loved ones eyes are open, they’re going to stay open. Can you blame them? You have unresolved issues, unmet needs, and unspoken words. You’re a hot mess even though you’ve convinced yourself otherwise. If there is any hope at saving the relationship, you must come to terms. Closure, regardless of what it consists of, is necessary, especially for the person you cheated on.

Cheating used to be the deal-breaker in the relationship. As it’s become more commonplace, so has forgiving a cheater. It’s up to the couple to decide if there exists any sustainable reason for them to give the relationship another chance.

The motivation to stay should be a realistic one. If you’re staying out of guilt, pride, or pity, it won’t last. It’s not the be all to end all, but a good therapist can work wonders. The hurt and pain you dished out while you were out cheating on your partner won’t just go away on its own.

If there’s no closure, the memory of the affair and everything surrounding it can be almost unbearable depending on how you left things in the end.

A Woman’s Touch Feels Oh So Good

Knowledge — Fri, 14 May 2010 20:34:29 +0000

image by Sally Cinnamon

Nothing compares to the touch of the woman I share love and intimacy with. I have a passion for sensuality that makes me a sexually intense person, but that intensity must be evoked before it can be untapped. Fortunately, my girlfriend pushes all the right buttons when it comes to physical intimacy. What her touch gives me is absolutely everything I desire in that moment. It’s not the kind that must always lead to sex, but it’s one of the primary ways I express my affection for her daily.

When two souls touch it’s enough to send a powerful sensation of shivers up and down spines, belly buttons, and other not so visible places. When we touch, it’s very easy for me to get lost in the moment, forgetting that the outside world even exists at times. In those moments, I want nothing more than to snuggle up with my babe and just cuddle.

Cuddling, stroking and caressing are my absolute favorite things and the prospect of that closeness is mentally stimulating and emotionally arousing to varying degrees. To feel her body next to mine, on top of mine, underneath, or anywhere near for that matter is something that I require daily. She understands this and feeds my physical soul accordingly. It’s the first thing I look for in the morning and the last thing I desire before drifting off to sleep. Her touch.

It’s the kind of intimacy that reaffirms love and solidifies passion for the woman I love. Affection is an addiction and she supports my habit. It’s one of the main areas in my love life where I won’t settle for less as emotional compatibility and physical comfortability go hand in hand. If the touch doesn’t affect then nothing else will. It has always been the key to sparking my fire works and I’ve been lucky enough to find women who know how to play with fire.

My girlfriend doesn’t know it, but my favorite part of the day is when we’re at home alone, curled up on the couch with our hands interlocked as we begin the familiar dance of becoming reacquainted all over again. Feeling her softness pressed against mine, tracing fingertips here and there, intertwined. I live for the moments when she starts to caress me out of the blue, giving me head, which is what I call it when she runs her fingers through my hair, playing with my tight curly ‘fro and making love to thoughts I have yet to explore.

When we are lost for words, physical communication becomes our language. It becomes a necessity. When we argue, fuss and fight, I’ve found that stowing my pride away and giving her what we both need is often the only way to make things right. Women feel with their feelings and those emotions can manifest physically so it makes sense that physical and emotional affection is so important to us. It is a form of intimacy that can be just as satisfying without leading to sex, and it should never be ignored if it cannot be helped.

With my love of touching comes a respect of boundaries however they’re established. The key to knowing what makes her feel good is watching closely to how she responds to the different ways I show affection.

I love it when she tracers her fingers across my back. It’s never hurried or fumbled, and she knows exactly how I’ll respond. In return, I stroke her gently, teasing, pleasing, spreading knees slightly apart so that fingers can fully explore its treasure, while pleasure increases. Sometimes I just hold her and we lie still in that moment and love flows like static jumping from clothes to skin and back again. Those times, I want her to feel safe and protected. Tiny gestures of love resonate so strongly that I’ll feel her trembling in my arms, placing kisses, nestling whispers into the sides and small of her neck. For it takes but a second to bring her face to mine and gently kiss her lips in kind.

When she’s laying in my arms, our touch allows us to love without limits or words. Everything that needs to be said is already being felt.

What Are Your Relationship Expectations?

Knowledge — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:18:33 +0000

While reading the blog A Brown Girl Gone Gay, one of Alix’s entries captured my attention. It’s the one titled Love With Expectations and it’s a great post that touches on one of the most important aspects of any relationships longevity. That is the ability to examine, evaluate and meet each other’s expectations, which are next to impossible to love without. That doesn’t mean expectations will always be met. It is possible to love unselfishly, but I’m not so sure about loving completely and without wanting anything in return. It’s a paradox that can at times cause elation and at others pain, but the trick lies in managing them to the best of our ability. One thing I’ve learned is that when I have the highest expectation of only myself I don’t have to unfairly place that burden upon someone else.

My girl is attracted to me for a reason. It certainly isn’t for my fashion, fame or money. Ok, it’s my brains and brawn, but let’s be serious for a minute. Her expectations have changed over time while her love has grown. In turn, we compromise and adapt to changes with honesty and open communication. Many couples don’t make it because neither partner knows the other well enough to perceive when adjustments need to be addressed. Some unnecessarily fear rejection at the risk of not communicating anything at all. That benefits no one.

The key is to be clear about what we want. Not doing so will cause unwarranted resentment. We can alleviate a lot of frustration, hurt feelings and setback by bringing our subconscious to the surface and openly expressing ourselves to our significant other. I strive to remain conscious of those I care about and how they respond to and require my love and attention. Ultimately, people show you how to love them.

Bois, especially, need to be shown respect then love. For girls, it’s love then respect. When the basics aren’t present, the passion will fade.

My girl and I have certain needs that must be met, both physical and emotional. Her love language is 9-10 and mine is 8-9. We both desire physical touch and mutual affection to sooth, comfort and reaffirm our love and appreciation. While words of affection rank next for me, quality cuddle time is a must for baby. It helps that we enjoy each others company. Then come words of affirmation (for baby), and acts of service (for me).

There are times when I have to check myself for expecting more than I am giving. There is a healthy balance needed. The trick is to not become too comfortable with what you have. Appreciate the little things that are done out of love. Accept minor things you may dislike because they’re likely doing the same for you.

Compromise and communication work hand in hand with meeting and exceeding expectations in romantic relationships. The only thing we should measure is our willingness to reciprocate so that love can come easy. So that love becomes unconditional and grows beyond the limits of expectation. In the end, all we want is to love and be loved.