I met my karma head on. After all, it was mine - I earned it, I deserved it, I knew it was coming and so I braced and prepared myself for the world of hurt the impact would cause. I stopped justifying my bad behavior and started facing my fears. I stopped running from commitment and seriously neglecting personal responsibilities and sacrificing my morals for a quick feel good fix.

I had to be completely honest with myself. I had to let the affair be a testament to my imperfect frailty. It is vital that you be honest with yourself and the person you’re having the affair with. I was in love with my mistress and there was a time following the affair when I couldn’t even admit that. When you’ve given a piece of your heart to someone, it is forever gone and you have to come to terms with that loss. The more you put it off, the worse off you become.

Cheating affects the lives of everyone around you. Because you’re not only lying to yourself, you’re lying to everyone else too. Living that lie often points to deeper issues that underlie the relationship you have with your significant other (yourself if you’re single or your partner if you’re in a relationship.) There’s usually something wrong or missing - a result of some negative force lying beneath the surface that is perpetually avoided or excused so that it continues. This immoral behavior is so easily recognized that it can be addressed or ignored altogether depending on what foot the shoe is on and who is wearing it. Cheating is easy and indiscriminate and it hurts innocent people who have absolutely nothing to do with the actions pursued, especially children.

Recognizing patterns of excess in our lives manifested through lust, sexual insatiability, physical and emotional attention wanted and sought using false promises of love and impassioned sex is a crucial step, but one that many cheaters often disregard until long after the affair has been exposed.

I didn’t have to read or do anything except to allow myself to experience the overwhelming weight of my actions as they crashed down on me, pulling me deeper still into a place I wasn’t  ready to go yet, to face questions about myself I wasn’t ready to answer. I had to feel a hurt so deep that felt so bad that any and all tears left within me dried completely up, leaving my heart feeling like a heavy burden upon my soul instead of being the life force that it is. Experiencing that kind of pain is what eventually caused me to snap out of the false comfort I’d created for myself and those around me for that 2 years time period.

I had to get played like a fool because that’s what I was and how I felt. Toward the end of my affair I was so hurt by the resulting actions of my ex and her attempts to protect herself from further pain by withdrawing, but not completely, that my emotions eventually shut down. The pain of loss that I felt was honest and true as far as I knew and while affected I let my words flow out of me like the emotions that had previously overwhelmed. I turned thoughts into words and emptied my heart. I was pissed off at myself and at her because I still wanted her, but I loved my girlfriend and there was no way to reconcile the two because what I had been doing was plain wrong.

In the end, life goes on, but what’s most difficult to remember is that love goes right along with it. Like people, love reinvents itself, yet remains timeless. We must do the same with the affairs aftershocks… by reinventing ourselves. Transfer any longing onto something beneficial or onto an available someone else. Seek outward inspiration like you sought that first fiery kiss that felt so good you could have floated up to heaven. Crave positivity and goodness, which cheating is not, like you crave peace of mind. When we mistreat our bodies through poor diet and lack of exercise, our bodies suffer and ultimately so do we. We are an extension of our physical selves. So to do our souls suffer greatly when we feed them garbage when what it really desires is healthy, life giving sustenance. Affairs are kind of like that. They are completely and utterly self destructive no matter how good the sex is or how far gone your emotions may be for the object of your affection. No matter how good it feels, a lie is a lie and it only serves to weaken our other truths and to delay our healing.

In the final chapter of my affair I penned a poem.

The Meanest Poem I Ever Wrote.

It’s funny how someone who once loved you can so easily forget the good while at the same vividly remembering the bad times.
Because those bad instances somehow negate the good shit?
No, it’s because those bad times are what ultimately lead to the end of an error.
I mean the end of a long over-through relationship.
If the new girlfriend so easily had you from the start, then be honest, she really didn’t have to try all that hard.
You were left wide open and ripe for the picking.
You wanted someone to move in with and to keep your pussy dripping.
To restore your peace of mind and relinquish loves fate.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, just be real is what I’m saying.
It’s even worse that you were trying to restore your relationship with me.
At the same time forming a new one with your new shining King.
Again, be real with yourself, if you know how to that is.
So used to being fake with your family and friends.
If you must know, I always found that social awkwardness repulsive.
I noticed how it took no time for you to find your new shining knight, while at the same time you couldn’t even keep on your lights.
Asking me to continue assisting you financially, because you couldn’t pay your bills, but didn’t want your new girl to see.
I should have known you were phony, your contrast was stark.
Shouldn’t have paid a damn thing, let you both sit there in the dark.
Your credit was bad and I’m glad I didn’t let you destroy that too.
You’ve got some nerve writing about needing to be rescued.
I did plenty of that while you fucked your new piece in the bedroom.
You found someone who was interested in the outward exchanges while you still expressed your love and want for me daily.
Again, you disgust me and in the end I realized you were mostly out for my money.
Your new love was curious about why you needed to console yourself all the while telling her one thing while telling me something else.
You were whoring your debt out to the highest bidder, Me, while lying to her about your availability.
And I use the word love very lightly in your case since you have no idea what it actually consists of, you fucking fake.
You were telling your new love all the sweet nothings you’d told me.
Regurgitated bullshit expecting her to write to you like me, recite you poetry and give you nice pretty things like me?
She couldn’t get on my level if I gave her my vocabulary.
Calling her my old familiar names, yet all the while my dumb ass still paid your bills because….
- those mother fuckers were not getting paid.
How about that knight of yours be my banker for a day and make good on the debt that you left me unpaid.
Your soul belongs to no one and you are without shame… although you should own up to your share for shit you did back in the day, mate.
You are too damn old to be playing these games.
I guess it would be too much to say “act your age,” since you act like you never grew out of your “daddy’s girl” phase.
It is my hope that you never find another like any others you’ve ever been with before me; remember Melanie?
Poor thing.
Hopefully, this new one teaches you the value of being a real woman who can be true to herself and stop being fake ’cause for real though.
All I saw was fake, from your hair weave to the cheap glue you’d use to the eyelashes you’d apply using that same tacky ass glue.
I never got to tell you I loved you dancing or standing still,
I never got to tell you that sometimes your underarms smelled.
-
I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH even though I chuckle at the smell, I mean the thought of it now.
I used to wonder how you didn’t gag at yourself at times, but when you smell funk long enough you get used to it right?
All these things I kept inside because… well, at the time I truly loved you and I thought I was your shining knight.
Time’s allowed me to clear my heart and now it’s time to clear my mind.
You had every right to write that blog but even more telling was the glaring lack of response.
How your sentiments seemed corny and your testimonials a big front.
Do me a favor and put your page back on private from now on.
And please watch what you write because I’ll come out on top.
Funny how karma works and how I don’t wish the bad kind on anyone.
But if clearing my mind makes you wish that bad bitch on me, it’s only fair since I’m putting it out there for all to see.
Let’s just hope there’s no backlash ’cause you ain’t all roses, Missy.
I know damn well my shit stinks, but I bite back when I hear a motherfucker talkin’ shit about me.
Peace.

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Dark Side of Valentine’s
2. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I
3. The Dark Side Of Affairs Part II: Karma

Where is my will
Where has my spirit gone
Flown away like a dove
Released and peaceful
Yet I am not pure
All perfection a figment
Always the occupant
Of mortal thoughts
Imperfect premises
Must it be this way
A constant contemplate…

We went from being at peace to declaring war in a matter of days. I absorbed the shock the best way I knew how. By comparing my life to a Shakespearean play full of tragedy and rich with history and possibility, but without the comedy, so then I could attempt to rationalize why this was happening to her… to us. I was emotional, but not a wreck. I broke down along with my heart and forgot how to think, but I still questioned. I felt dull inside for a few seconds, but I was still strong as she clung to me. I was glad the broken pieces and her tears were falling in between us.

For as long as I can remember, no amount of human consolation has ever been enough to dispel the constant worry I’ve had about my loved ones and mortality. I was always on another level. I imagined what must have been going through my girlfriend’s mind. Stage 3, where it’s A or B, only time will tell and we still don’t know. At least not right now. How we went from planning summer vacations and visits to see family to being hit by a train carrying the speed of light… still escapes me. Or maybe it’s me that seeks to escape it, but there’s no escaping cancer. You have to fight to beat it, but the hardest part is not giving up hope. You can’t concede it. I remind myself daily that life isn’t fair, but it’s tough to operate on the same level when you know the threat is there.

I wanted to stop writing altogether because  no words came easy and for once I didn’t want to express my pain and frustration, but that wasn’t working out well. The bottling of any emotion, especially pain, can result in something even more undesirable like depression, or worse. Disdain. It was only bearable when I was alone with my thoughts. Why cancer? Why now? Why her? Why us? But… I had to stop for a moment and seek a higher power. I never lost faith, I started out a devout follower. But I broke free of those chains directing my questions to the higher power. He told me to look within. You see… knowledge of self projects a mirror image so powerful it recognizes everything, but it’s up to us to bring it to light. Do you follow me? It s up to us to dig deeper, and so I dug. It was because as much as we think we know ourselves we’re not all knowing about ourselves or any one thing for that matter. Because we never wanted to know or because we never knew we were supposed to know. Whichever is to blame. I went on a quest to reclaim my spirituality. Before I grew tired of writing about things that required me to reach further into myself because the deeper I got the more I could see clearly for the first time, I recorded my thoughts. I began having to contend with things that were distracting me from the reality of what we were facing; cancer, and overall I was reminded of a younger me; feeling all vulnerable and shit when I got back into the thick of things. Still, I write.

Part One.

Cancer changes everything

The cancer diagnosis gave butterfly kicks
But not the kind you get when
Love flutters in – no
The girl I met on the Las Vegas strip
Was not the same woman that I remembered
Her neck down, bent
No mask covering her head
Just bald and beautiful
Although she doesn’t think she is
Not realizing she is among the best of them
No play pretend
I remember this:
Her sweet nothings to me were like birthday gifts
Another lesson is:
It is not just for men, to cry in private
Private tears aren’t attached to no exclusive nothin’
Try as they might to hide it
Those rivers mean something
And speaking of something
Let me speak of my woman
How surreal our present direction is going
How life can trick
Like some cruel and unusual punishment
Emotional up close yet feeling so distant
When it came to loving you
I eventually threw all my cards in
I used to feel like it was dutiful
But now I know I had no clue about it
How I was made for you
How you’re fighting this fight
Because you were chosen to
After all the weigh ins and chemo treatments
The show goes on for the rest of you
But for us it takes on new meaning

Part Two.

We understand clearly

Now our roles are two fold
How the way I guard my state
Won’t make true lies withhold
Yeah she tried to penetrate
I think I let her and held on
“I take prisoners!” my brain elated
On second thought, I yelled “Oh no!”
Trying to fan my flames
Will only get you smoked
My brain is not fried
I prefer slow roasted
I can’t concentrate on shit
Wondering…
“Is the tumor growing?”
If I wear a thinking cap
“Will it stop my head from exploding?”
Unanswered questions coupled with extreme self-loathing
Pushing me further into my emotions
The boat’s weighed down but not floating
Then a thought creeps silently in
Flashback to x-rays against a bright screen
How we examined searching for light spots that gleemed
My thoughts all over the place
Not concentrating on a single thing
Just two in fact
You and me
and love and peace
Too many things
So I count blessings
Otherwise shit gets too deep

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Breast Cancer Blues
2. The Dark Side of Affairs IV
3. Times Waits For Love

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. There Are Always Haters
2. The Transformation of Lives
3. 360 Degrees of Us

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. A Poem to Self
2. Breast Cancer Blues
3. The Darkness Surrounding the Light of Day

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Darkness Surrounding the Light of Day

I was thinking of my heartbreak and recent insecurity

I was thinking, damn, despite this, I’m feeling you immensely

Knowing I had baggage and honestly not wanting you to see

I didn’t want to share everything, embarrassed by my feelings

Wanting so badly to move on, but emotions held me back explicitly

It wasn’t what you were expecting

But instead what I gave freely

Nothing was forced

Never has been with you

Feelings of love can be shared between one, even two

It’s just the way of my nature, though it doesn’t halt the pursuit

We went on shopping sprees, inspired my new converse shoes

I allowed you to choose and that’s not something I usually do

It’s not about making anyone jealous

It’s overcoming old feelings and welcoming new ones

And girl I know you are honest

To the point of thinking you know every damn thing

Even when you are wrong

No matter how hard I tried to make you see

Couldn’t make you feel what was torturing me

For one

Your ingenuity was instantly attractive to me

Still is, to this day

I’ve always admired your golden girl, G

But whatever

You make it seem as if I was all about self

When we first started

Remember

Your own baggage was still stored on the shelf

Your rocky past was in the open; I witnessed it personally

Made a trip to that safe place with you

Showed I cared for your safety

You even commented on my poetry

Said she must have been special to me

Remember all those things you said

“Knowledge, I could love you so easily.”

I wasn’t craving attention or affection

They are outpourings I receive naturally

Trying to make her jealous of our connection?

Thinking you know how I felt… Hardly

I cared about what you thought of me

I wasn’t sure what you wanted in the beginning

So at first sight I resisted urges that were powerful and sexy

If you only knew the passion you concocted within my person that night

Although we persisted in due time

I remember those special places hiding delicately inside of you

The ones I tried to spare myself from getting further into

Don’t act clueless as to your own power

You know your seduction comes natural

When we met it was magnetic

No other words can quite explain the motions your curves were taking my body through

I never wanted any less for you

But it would’ve been nice to see your sappy side

And if everything wasn’t so bogged down in pride

‘Cause my emotions are unconditional

And that goes for my instant like of you

I know my feelings were mutual

But you weren’t completely honest either

While deciphering your poem’s hidden message

Your words poured the elixir of your ether

Yet our connection was undefined

Did that tell you anything sweetie?

How was I selfish when you were the one telling me

You didn’t care about any other women liking me

And maybe

I shouldn’t have assumed I was right

About anything

That you would ignore their affections for long

Instead you completely push me away

I guess we never had a proper chance anyway

Just know what I have told you as often as I can

I should have handled some things differently

This; I freely admit

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Real Talk Pt. II
2. Erotic Trust
3. Just My ‘Magination

I was that smooth operator
Made love with lavish lust
My desires no procrastinator
Spent – day and night
Reenacting love songs
We’d skip the heart-breakers and through sweat and funk
We fucked
There was no requirement for things tasting of sweetness
No fake bliss
While licking pussy like a thirsty kitten being weaned
Off its mom’s tits
Your sweet milk never tasted guilty in the mouth
I was a smooth operator and a soldier of love later
I never had to guess if you’d be turned on by me either
I could always make up your mind
And open you all the way wide
And there you’d lie
Right beside me with a feeling
Your body could never betray
When I’d kiss you on the belly
Between thighs, slowly making my way
Pushing buttons I know would stir
The further south, the louder you’d purr
The more intense I would become
At finding what you were hiding from
No holding back
As this journey takes me
No holding back
As you stir like crazy
The more you wiggle the more tongue flicks
Enough to lick a tattoo onto your skin
Fingers – Tracing – Deeper – In
You make a motherfucker’s spirit feel human
I breathe you in as I’m having an orgasm
And damn if you aren’t my favorite food woman
Ask any of them
Why I lose track and keep coming back
Why your body language is sex appeal
-Fact-
I’ve got the only recipe for seduction
All I need is a lover
Who can understand something
Whose prone to submissive positions while moaning
Spread eagle or cowgirl, that body’s convulsing
You need not already be open either
The first time you begged for it
Papi go deeper
My command was your wish
My sentiments still express this 
Your pussy ain’t never stopped cumming
Alive with my spit
Feel my slick fingers lightly tracing against
A warm tunnel of love where fleshy parts of you exist
From head to toe I’m in love with all of it
I’m no garden-variety
I’m a pro at this
Making love is the stud with swag sign language
I can feel how deep I’m inside you now
In the furtherest part of your temple’s canal
Where the sweetest of your berries grow plenty and fruitful
As I make my way into a angle more comfortable
Your nails dig deeper
As pleasure and pain ensues
You are so close now I can feel you coming
Spilling, no squirting from somewhere, gushing
I call it home from where you come
And in anticipation unbury my tongue
I grip ass cheeks as toes are curling
Your juice drips off of my nose – unhurried
And when your trembling eventually dies down
Another eruption comes – more powerful 
I could have picked all of them berries girl
And never again needed to lick your pearl
But see that’s the major difference between
Love and lusting over gorgeous things
I was that smooth operator until I could no longer feed
And get full from what was buried beneath
Two women kissing was my motivator
My reason for teasing
five orgasms later…
Instead of being a soldier for more than just meat
For love from the one who kept  me coming back for repeat
Love sessions, life lessons, a full circle for me
She taught love – I taught lust
We taught each other things
To stop misguiding hearts
Ripped my player’s card to pieces
Burned my pimp membership
Cause I was only pimping was me
And I’d rather be a soldier of love anyway
“For in love lies no defeat”
As this complicated lover would say

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=632Cc6flbaw[/youtube]

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. I Want You
2. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love
3. Of All Things

Miles of roadway overlapped every flutter
All my thoughts centered on making the journey
Miles of roadway separated beating hearts
Trying to pry apart what both had given –  not taken 
Those unspoken words still owned our thoughts
Those we thought were better left unstated
Didn’t want to profess anything for naught
Despite faux protests ringing loudly in my ears
Those three words you had been waiting to hear
Lack of responsibility claimed meant I hadn’t faced my fears
And your heart wasn’t looking for a boat ride atop tears
But you never once doubted my loving side
No comparison to the adrenaline rush I provided
You felt it everytime I took love on a test ride
I tipped the velvet just right 
And with it came no protesting
Reactions so strong I caused leg trembles whilst professing
Sweet nothings that meant something and everything between two
My undying love
Fuels the force of nature I feel for you
And If I knew any better, girl 
I would have been told you, I love you

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. I Want You
2. Love Is Imperfect Perfection
3. Universal Love

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Love Is Imperfect Perfection
2. Times Waits For Love
3. Untitled Lust

©2012 The Swag Report. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Love Is Imperfect Perfection
2. I Want You
3. Universal Love