Much Ado About Lesbian Bed Death

beddeathLesbian relationships, like any other, are prone to experience extreme ups and downs in the bedroom. This is better known as “lesbian bed death” in the sexology circle and lesbian world, but it can be a dysfunction that affects all couples, gay and straight. It’s also the primary reason I believe the word to be a misnomer. In part because of lesbian dating patterns and the tendency to be friends and lovers or at least believe that we are both at once. There’s also the tendency to confuse lust with love and passion with commitment in our quest to check yes on the “are you in a relationship” test . The sexual aspect can shift to a friendship only or a roommate status after a certain length of time has passed with no shared sexual intimacy. If both women agree that this dynamic is acceptable, then there isn’t a problem, but for many other couples this situation can lead to a timely or untimely break up if one partner still wants and desires her girlfriend and the other has lost sight of her desire.

I’m not a fan of scheduling sex, but I believe that if it’s important to your partner and you genuinely love her as much as she loves and wants you, you’ll at least make the effort. It’s not easy to face up to the fact that sometimes lifestyles take an uneasy, unsexy turn for the worse. It is normal for sexual interest to come and go in committed relationships where there’s lots of compromising and sharing of roles, but sometimes that selflessness can work against and when the passion dies, we feel as if we’ve lost apart of our sexual selves. Needless to say, this so-called lesbian bed death is something much more intimate in nature, and fortunately it doesn’t affect every lesbian relationship, but for the ones it does there can be many questions left unanswered and hurt feelings ignored and invalidated. Couples that have been together for many years are not immune.

Personal experience has shown that in making minor changes with regard to sexual intimacy and sustaining a passionately healthy relationship, we often need to adjust not only mentally, but behaviorally. A fire won’t rekindle itself, you have to jump-start it. The same holds true for sex. Since our brain is our biggest sex organ, the importance of stimulating that organ must be given as much credence mentally as it is given physically. It’s not hard, but it’s not easy either.

We get into slumps where we become comfortable just lounging around and never take the time to get sexy for our babe. We stop doing the things we did in the beginning that stirred the passion and kept the energy alive and kicking. When was the last time you or your girlfriend dressed to the nines and went on a date, cracked open a bottle of wine and let the spirits take you where they may? When’s the last time you and baby girl smoked a joint while watching a romantic movie at home and made out like teenagers during and after the private show? Finding our inner hedonism is important, no matter how unimportant people may believe it to be. When the sex drive has relaxed and the passion surpassed, what’s next?

Here are some things my girlfriend and I have done in the past to rejuvenate our sex life:

We subscribe to a little something known as “Carpe Diem”. With that, we seize upon opportunities and moments when we’re slightly on the verge or feeling just a twinge of sexual attraction to our partner at that moment. If one of us is feeling a bit randy, or horny, even if we don’t think the time is right, we make it. Getting back into the habit of having sex will require that you do this very thing.

We don’t schedule sex, but we do set aside time during the day, usually in the evening when we are very affectionate with each other. If these instances lead to sex, she knows it’s on, but if not we enjoy what we started and leave the rest to chance. Take it slow. Most times there is absolutely no need for urgency when it comes to making love and especially, going down. Like En Vogue said years ago “free your mind and the rest will follow.” Sex doesn’t always have to be serious, and intensity will remain the main ingredient if you’re having fun and showing it. It’s okay to laugh during sex, and leading up to an orgasm makes the pleasure all the more enjoyable.

There are times when I’ll give her a completely innocent kiss on the lips and when I feel them lingering on mine, I’ll open my eyes while slipping my tongue inside, just enough time to see that her eyes have been closed much longer than usual, and her breathing has deviated more slightly than normal, and that’s when I know that she’s on the verge. Even the slightest touch, and I don’t even have to be turned on, but seeing her this way sets our mood scheme to on, and I know I’ll thoroughly enjoy pleasing her, while at the same time expecting nothing in return. But she lives for returning the gift and so I lay back down and simply settle into it.

As cliché as this may sound, try something new. Like oral, masturbation, porn, and role-playing whatever kinky shit comes to mind. The things you previously did you may end up missing again.




9 Responses to “Much Ado About Lesbian Bed Death”
  1. Chanel says:

    This is a really great & informative post. Packed with lots of good tips! Love it. I first heard about leasbian bed death a few yrs back and was like oh hell no, never happen to me cuz i like sex too much. Pssh. 4 yrs in a relationship, school, work & life in general will do it to ya. lol. These tips u gave, and that last lil visual…lol. Yea buddy! Im thinkin my gf & i r about to have a good wkend and im gonna go hm an get it started RIGHT.

  2. Glennisha Morgan says:

    This was very thoroughly written. Great tips too. Like you said, I think this can be used for all couples beyond lesbians.

  3. AJ says:

    Well Professor Sex, thanks for the ideas here. When I was in a relationship, I would often allow myself to kiss her and hug her even if I wasn't in the mood. There were times when we didn't even have to have sex..just cuddle..and talk about strange things, since I'm strange like that 🙂

  4. Sublimefemme says:

    This is a terrific post! I'm so glad you shared your suggestions and personal experiences, which are really helpful. For me, going on anti-depressants was a huge problem because it affected both my libido and sexual response. And no one told me that some of these issues don't just go away when you go off the medication (!)

    I love the Carpe Diem thing. Of course, that's what we all do in the early stages of the relationship, but after you've been together for a long time it becomes so easy to think about all the reasons why you *can't* carpe diem.

    The term "lesbian bed death" used to really piss me off. I think you're right that other couples deal with this problem too. However, I think I read somewhere that the lesbian "urge to merge" is often a libido-killer. With that in mind, do you think any of this plays out differently for butch-femme couples? (I know it's a generalization to speak of b-f couples in this way, but it still seems like a valid question)



    • Knowledge says:

      Sublimefemme, thank for the read and comments! I don't think this plays out all that much different with butch-femme couples, but I do think that within the dynamic there's a greater intuition already in place where one partner is more sexually dominant be that the butch or the femme. I've been in relationships where I was dating a femme and she was far more aggressive than I sexually, and then the exact opposite where I was dominant but would have been content with a balance or for my femme to be more expressive. Ultimately, this is something I believe affects all couples to varying degrees and the urge to merge thing being a libido-killer— I highly doubt that myself. It may kill the libido within that particular relationship stucture, but I think either one or both just may be getting their rocks off elsewhere. Which brings me to my final thought on this, even if a couple is experiencing a lax in sex together, that doesn't mean either one or both aren't self pleasuring or even worse, pleasuring someone else. I wonder about the validity of the studies done on this as it pertains to alternate means of sexual pleasure when the couple is going through a drought. This is not to say it is the standard, but I think it's often understood that it's usually something that effects one or the other, usually not both at the same time. There are so many factors in play, so this was just a broad, general view with a dab of personal experience thrown into the mix. Thanks again for stopping by!

  5. Milly says:

    Awesome post, thanks for tipping us off about it on!

  6. LaurynX says:

    Yea, I never really thought that the so called "lesbian bed death" only happened to lesbians. I think all couples go through periods of no sexual encounters, like you said. If I ever experience this I have ideas on how to fix it lol. Thanks for this.

  7. Tami says:

    yup…i totally agree!

    with 4 kids between the two of us, my crazy commute, our kids dance, football, basketball, swimming and you name it practices… we dont sex nearly as much.

    i mean we wtill make it a point to goto bed at night cuddled up and do little playful things here and there. but usually, the only time we have alone together is in the evenings…and after the kids finally get to bed, we usually wind up falling asleep ourselves. Most of the time my gf will lay on me and fall asleep on my while watching tv. Just the past week we fell asleep 2x in the living room! LOL.

    sometimes me mind is like, i really want to make love…but my body can't move! LOL. its still an incredible feeling to lay down with her at night and sometimes when i try to move over she grabs me back…

    so yes, i think we are suffering from lesbian bed death. but honestly, im happy. i take my joy in the little things we do, and sweet messages and touches that we share.
    .-= Tami´s last blog ..Going To The Chapel… =-.

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