How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?

Topic Request: From the perspective of the cheater, how long does it really take to get over an affair?  

adultery_Part2_by_chuletzI’ve been reluctant to post new material about cheating and affairs. I worry people will think, “Is dude still going on about this shit?” I’ve received numerous e-mails with questions on the subject of infedility, and this one in particular stands out every time so I’m going to give a bare-bones answer. Fact is, what happens before, during, and after an affair changes everyone, inluding you. You may be “over it” and have “moved on”, but your life has taken on a very different course, hasn’t it? I know mine did. A necessary one. In fact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to live and learn with your faulty decisions.

For the longest time I refused to believe that I would completely get over my affair and I was right. You don’t, but this is because you never completely get over an affair. Instead, you heal. The further you get from the affair, the less you feel the need to punish yourself for your past. Once you’ve reached that point, the greatest thing to seek is clarity. Gone are the days of lying to yourself, which you do for so long you become your own enabler, and the affair becomes something you depend on. Trying to make sense out of abnormality will do that. But in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it’s over. Only then will you begin to understand that what you thought you had you never really had to begin with. Game over. 

That special feeling was only temporary and you knew all along because society rejects the fuck out of infidelity because it’s wrong.  From the moment an affair begins you’re essentially counting down the days until it’s over or becomes discovered. That day will come, whether you believe it or not. Usually, neither party is ready to deal with the ramifications. You eventually come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is not the same person you loved. Love isn’t blind when it all comes down. I recall thinking many times “who or what have I become” because as I said before, affairs change you. That’s the damn truth. People who cheat are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  They question their own morality, lack thereof, and they often have to learn how to trust themselves again.

To answer the question, a one year minimum, is how long it takes, a lifetime maximum depending on the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Some people never get over them and others go through multiple stages of withdrawl that seemingly never end. They go on blaming the cheater and this can lead to unknowingly negatively affecting future romantic relationships. Ultimately, those who have cheated or have been the girlfriend or other woman will always live with the aftermath of THEIR decisions. Affairs are shadows that lurk and haunt long after they are over. Healing is the hardest part because you’re forced to confront your fucked up self. Not only are you beginning to come to terms with the mistakes you made and why you made them, you’re learning how to positively move forward with your life without regret. 




219 Responses to “How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair?”
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  15. alan says:

    i ended the affair after three and a half years. We were both married. i loved her so much and it really hurt, still does seven months after ending it. i wish i could go back in time and never meet her but i did and have and hope and pray that in the future i will meet her again. hope everyone here who has posted gets the closure and peace they are looking for.

    • Angela says:

      Alan I understand your pain, it will get better. You need to occupy yourself and fill your life with happy things and eventually you will wake up one day and realise that you feel good again. Good luck x

    • Mike says:

      did i get any better ? it is been 2 months for me and I am still struggling

    • PatheticWife says:

      I'm in the process of ending an affair with a work colleague. I do feel love for him. We had an affair almost 5 years ago that lasted 5 months and I ended it then too for the same reason I am ending it now. We are really compatible and I know, had I met him before I got married, we would be married with children today. He is exactly what I am looking for in a man. It's hard. He feels the same way.

      I am losing respect for myself. I have been so needy and up and down while in this affair. I hate who I have become. We are both married and have 2 children each under age 10. We both won't leave our spouses until our kids are grown up.

      I figure if he really loves me, he can look me up when/if we are both single. We are both unhappily married and we both think we'd be better together. His wife is very neglectful towards him and doesn't love him anymore and my husband is verbally abusive and has a bad temper. It's so hard, but I am incapable of living a life of an affair bc I don't get the love and attention I deserve from my AP and I am also living a life of deceit and I hate that about myself bc I am a good honest person. I've turned into a selfish b))ch. I never thought I'd be the type of person to have an affair.

      I've been unhappy for a long time now in my marriage. It's tolerable and I really don't want to leave until my kids are adults. I will never tell anyone what I've done. Not even my best friend or mother knows what I have done. I will take it to my grave and deal with the consequences.

      • CanRelate says:

        You are not "Pathetic"….in fact I detect empathy….so you are Empathetic.

      • Pathetic wife2 says:

        You aren't pathetic. Your posting is on par with what I've. Even feeling. You aren't alone with the way you are feeling. Not sure did they brings you comfort? I hope It does.

  16. truth says:

    for those of you that had affair and had a wife or husband, should drink a gallon of ex-lax and shit yourself just on the brink of death. harsh? not so much as what you put on your spouse. what you have done is put a gun to the back of there head.

  17. Joy says:

    My ap just ened mine and I am so heartbroken trying to figure thingz out. I statred seeing him for sex but it turned out we fell in love and saw esch other for4 years and then he broke it off he is single and is 55 years old and and is just tired of being alone and with me bei g married I could not be there all the time it hurts so bad! I dont know what to do I have to see him at work I dont know how to get over it

  18. Iris says:

    Yes…it changes you and you are never ever the same…a whole is left in my heart..a space that he took…never ever did I feel what I felt for him with anyone…not even my husband…the attraction was instant and strong…physical emotional and magical and mystical…something you see in movies…2 1/2 years I snuck around…eventually I told and wanted to leave my very long and not really all that bad marriage…then I became the pawn between 2 men and a family that I also had…Children and grandchildren…I quit my career on account of this guy and put myself in financial jeopardy. There is so much more to this storey and it still causes me pain…so in the end I let him go….and moved across the country…my best advice is this…don't do it…its not worth the pain…its ugly…and unless you really didn't love them with such never ever goes away.

    • Lara Riley says:

      I sympathize with you. I was involved in a very similar situation. A part of my heart is gone forever with the man I had an affair with. I loved him more than anything. A connection like no other, not even with my husband. He never loved me enough though. He chose his wife and child 5 times over me.

  19. Alwayslovinghim says:

    Everyday I read websites like this of anything I can find to make me feel better. And for a little while it does. But after a couple days I'm back to the depression and struggling to make it day to day. This is my story:
    I am a married woman in my 30's. I have a 3 year old daughter and have been married for almost 9 years now. I met a man at work in late 2012. He flirted all the time and the attention was nice. I never felt hat good at home. The problem was he was also married. By the end of November 2012 we were talking all the time. Anything and everything you could think of. It was exhilarating and we had a connection. By Christmas that year we had progressed to being in love. By the January of 2013 it had turned physical. His wife found out and he was forbid contact. That didn't stop anything because there were fake e-mail and Facebook accounts set up. So by February they were divorced. I thought I could be as well and we would be happy. I just needed some time to get things together. By my birthday in June he was talking to other girls. Said he loved me and it was nothing. By October he met someone else that he knew in high school and he was in love with her. Treated me horribly and like I was nothing. I was so depressed I don't know how I even got out of bed. By February the next year he was back. We were so good, better than the first time and I was leaving because nothing could stop me. Except it could. ME! I have a daughter I have to think about and what would this do to her. What had it already done to her? My god how I can be this selfish. My husband is a good person but we have fell apart. Most of this my doing. Sex was pretty much non existent and when it was it was awful. But with my AP it was amazing. Passionate and out of this world. Nothing can ever compare. But by July 2014 he was tired of waiting on me and three weeks later had a new girlfriend who he was in love with and moved in with five weeks after that. Heard from him one time to tell me he no longer loved me and he was over it. Really? How can you just be over it? You loved me so much but your over it? So it's been a year and I'm not over it. I don't think I ever will be. It does get easier and there are more good days than bad but I think about him all the time. I know it isn't right and typing this makes me think even more how pathetic he is. I don't think him and the new girlfriend will last past years if they did marry but that's on him not me and my goal is to make peace with myself and my husband and take care of my daughter because she deserves better than I have given her and so does my husband. I can relate to all of you but there is no need to make rude comments to me because believe me no one feels more horrible than anyone who has been in this situation. We have to live with this and it's unbearable but we do it so your rude comments can be kept to yourself because frankly they don't touch us like our own guilt.

    • LJ Rushing says:

      I'm not going to make rude comments at you or say anything bad but I have some questions. First I have been married to my wife for 30 years. We married when I was 19 and she was 18 and we had been with nobody else, only been intimate with each other. For 30 years I tried to win my wife's heart but she made it clear she loved me but not as a husband. I loved her so much that I thought I had enough love for both of us. About five years ago while talking one night the conversation turned to us. Eventually it got to the point of sex and she told me something that crushed my heart. She told me she had never liked having sex with me and she would fantasize about other men just to be able to have sex with me. This crushed me but I love her and would not give up, yes I am a fool. Fast forward to on year ago. My wife went to an exercise marathon in another town and was going to spend the night with a friend we have both known for years. The next mornign when she came home something was off. She was cold and distant. After a few hours I asked her if she was having an affair. At first she denied it but then admitted to it and said she was in love with him and had no feelings for me. I gave her a choice me or him. She would not let me meet him which looking back is good because I was not thinking straight and was feeling the old emotions from the days I used to like to fight. I honestly think I would have beat him to death. She chose me and like an idiot I forgave her right then, didn't forget it or stop hurting but forgave her. I still have to forgive her from day to day because even after a year it still hurts. Well I later found out they had continued to keep seeing each other having sex four to five times a week, unprotected sex and then having sex with me that night. This still makes me so angry that at times I have to disappear to cool down because I have never raised a hand to her and I never will, but in the mornings his thing was where my mouth was that night! This makes me mad just typing it! Well they finally broke it off and she found out he was just using her for sex while he was working out of town, he lived in Florida and we live in Texas. He had told her how he was going to leave his wife but later she found out he was seeing another woman at the same time he was seeing her. They spent the night in a hotel in Shreveport one night, another time she had lied to me but I trusted her and believed her, and the man had spent the night in the same room the night before with the other woman! Well he broke my wifes heart and of course I was there to pick up the pieces. It has been a year but this month is when it all started, it started the day of my birthday last year. I know she feels bad about what she did but sometimes I think she feels worse that he broke her heart. She claims she doesn't love him and I can tell she does love me know as a husband, I can tell in the way she does everything, making love, holding my hand, talking to me. I still hurt and some days I wish I had taken my life like I started to about two weeks after finding out about the affair. Some days it hurts so bad that it just seems like the entire world just goes black and cold. I don't enjoy anything I used to enjoy and have come very close to having a fling a few times just to see what the hell all the excitement was. I also think about having a fling sometimes because now she has been with another man but I have only been with her.

    • LJRushing says:

      . I feel compared and measured up to him. I am 6ft tall, dark hair, very tan, exercise regularly and have very little body fat. Although I have a hard time believing it a lot of women have told me I am very handsome. The one she had an affair with is 5ft tall on the heavy side with a gut, grey hair and not handsome at all. He manhood is tiny according to her, and she told a friend this way before I found out about the affair. She told her friend that the first time she say it she thought he had been in an accident because the was only about the size of my thumb! I am not a porn star but I am well above average. So what the hell could she have seen in him? I have always been very very good to my wife giving her massages, giving her cards for no reason except I loved her, leaving little notes for her, cleaning the house and such. In the bedroom sex had stopped. For over three years she said it hurt her and I got tired of being rejected. But I still can't understand why she did this. She claims it was the attention but I flooded her with attention! Here's my question. Having an affair bothers you but what bothers you worse, that he broke your heart or how you made your husband feel? I want to grow old with my wife but at the same time I wonder if I should be with her. I spent 30 years trying to win her heart and be the best husband she could ever find but failed. She knew him less that two days and fell in love with him. I'm lost. I don't like the fact that I think about having a fling. I have women flirt with me all the time and a couple have made it very clear they wanted to do more than flirt. In the past I would not even talk to another woman because i felt like it was cheating on my wife, now I flirt back. I am beginning to hate myself because that is not who I am! I don't really know what I want to know. I guess do you think your marriage will ever be normal? How is your husband handling all of it?I honestly don't now what to do. I'm not afraid of being alone because I would have to be for more than a couple of days. I just don't like the thought of her not being there in the mornings when I wake, her face being the first thing I see every morning. I don't like the idea of not hearing her voice or feeling he hand in mine. After 30 plus years together I still love her with all my heart and only want her. But will I ever be normal again? Will I ever stop hurting? Will I ever enjoy life again?

    • Jay says:

      I'm not meaning this to be rude. You need to read, "How to Help Him Get Over Your Affair."

    • Helenajane says:

      I totally understand how you are feeling. I'm in assimilate situation in that my AF and I decided we couldn't be together (for a variety of reasons) but he is now starting to date as he wants to find love and have a family (even though I know he loves me) it is killing me. I feel sick and so hurt and we are trying to stay friends but it just doesn't work when you love someone. I just don't know how to move forward. It's ruining my life and my happiness in my relationship with my husband and my children

    • Jujube says:

      I have a similiar situation. I know how you feel, and if you need someone to talk about your situation. I am also a female who is broken and I need someone who can be a friend to help heal.

    • Mary says:

      Thanks for such an honest peace of self-expression an good luck with repairing your marriage…you still deserve it!

  20. Kaylee says:

    I had an affair with a married man as well. The difference is that he was my first love, my first of everything. We were two teenagers that fell in love. At 16 years of age respectfully, he broke up with me due to his parents insecurities about him and I. We then reconnected 25 years later. He was on his fourth marriage, while I was in my first marriage of 21 years. I stilled loved him, he 'realized' that he still loved me. Although, I hadn't changed too much, he had. He was wounded, guarded and even displayed bi polar characteristics at times from all the events, marriages and circumstances in life. My ex has the gift of gab, smart, intelligent and indeed could get any woman he wanted. Very attractive.

    My husband and I were going thru a rough patch and my old fling looked good to me. His body was perfect in every dimension, the most handsome man ever and his walk would command every woman in the room to pay attention. Eye candy. Not to brag but his 4th wife was no match for me – so I thought for sure that if I wanted him forever, that I could have him. Once we met, shared email and phone conversations for two years, we met up and spent four nights together. We realized that we were soul mates and didn't want to be apart. He consulted with a divorce attorney and what do you know – the attorney told him that in the state he resided women had allot of power. His two children would go with her, he'd pay child and spousal support too. Finding out about this stressed him out to the core. Then he realized that he could never be apart from his children even in another home. Not now at least. So his plan was to pay for her college education, she'd get a job then he'd leave her. 3 to 5 years in an affair was not an option for me. Not to mention that he started saying things like, "I'm not going to leave her for you". "Like I told my wife, leave if you want. Your not the only women in the world. I wont cry for you". Or, "why are you calling me at work I don't like surprise phone calls." Yet I could call prior to our beautiful nights. Then more and more excuses arose. So, I'd leave only to return because he said he couldn't live without me. One day, I had strength. I broke it off with him and told him that I would inform my husband of our affair. He immediately blocked me from all communication, but before he did, He said, "Your not concerned with my situation so bye!" For the life of me I couldn't figure out why his attitude towards me changed. Before it was call me, text me, send me pics, I love you…blah blah. Then when his wife returned from a 2 month vacation in Germany. It was I'm busy, I'm sleepy, I forgot to call you etc etc. He changed, Once I started pushing him to either leave or give me an exact date.

    Ladies, if he loves you – he wouldn't put you in this type of situation. If he loves you money wouldn't be an option as another excuse was he'd lose all his money. If he loves you he'd show you and not just say it. It's been a year since I left and I pat myself on the back every day and I even give myself a hug – why because I walked away. Everything I read about 'he won't leave you for his wife' is true. No matter how cute you are. How sexy you look. If you have implants etc. Even if you do exercises to keep yourself tight. He won't leave her for you!!!

    And just so I won't be an idiot and take him back my friends harassed him and his wife on a social media site. They scared the crap out of him without mentioning the particulars publicly, even demanding that he call and apologize to me for his deceptive and dishonest lies – but he got the message. I hope that he won't do this to another woman. Cause her heartbreak and pain like he did to me. But, I was wrong too. I should've never slept with him. I should've never contacted him so many years ago. Right now, I have one job and that is too daily forgive myself for the affair, love my husband even more, love myself by not devaluing myself for any man, and learn from my mistakes. If this posting can help one person I'm thankful. If your thinking about having an affair don't do it. If your in one, get out.

    • Dlsdream says:

      Tough putting yourself on a pedestal just to realize you were just his hole while his wife was outta town…lol. Couldn't have happened to a better whore!!!

    • Michelle says:

      You let your friends harass his wife?? What did she do to YOU? you know full well his wife didn't deserve harassment. YOU were fully aware of his situation going into it. As far as I'm concerned you got exactly what you deserved. I'm also glad you learned your lesson to stay away from someone elses husband. You are definitely not a victim. smh

  21. Mike says:

    I had an affair for 3 years and I had to end it as my lover wanted the whole thing leave my wife my kid the lot but I couldn't bring myself to do it. What I thought was doing the right thing and ending the affair but I don't have the same love closeness I had with my lover. My wife is the perfect wife loving great mum works hard in her job but there is no spark no passion our love life is just well normal nothing great we do it and it's done but my lover enjoyed our sex she would talk to me about her needs and what she like and don't like. It's been over 5 weeks and I am in bits ripped with jealousy that my lover will share all our special moments with someone else all she ever wanted was a normal loving relationship. The jealousy is killing me

    • astounded says:

      How How would your perfect wife feel about you not being the perfect husband?? she deserves better, and so does your child.

    • LostinATL says:

      The jealousy is one of the withdrawal signs I went through. I still think about her under another man and it kills me. However, I am happy now with a stable marriage to a woman that I will grow old with. I realized that a woman who is willing to step in and fuck up a marriage may not be all that!

      • L.d says:

        Funny how you say she fucked up a marriage & she may not be all that. She didn't put a gun to your head & make you do it . It was your decision & you are just as much to blame. Point the finger at her & you have three others pointing at you. Take responsibility for your actions. If the marriage you have was & is all that it would have never happened . Keep lying to yourself

  22. Guest says:

    I had a one night stand with a childhood crush when I was 19. Ended up pregnant. At the time I felt like the best interest for me and my child was to never tell him. 12 yrs later he sees my son on fb. Calls me up, questions me and I admit the truth. I had recently split from 7yr partner. 5months later he tells me his marriage he been over and he is moving out. We get close we become intimate 5 months later pregnant with his daughter. He keeps it a secret moves out when she is born he moves on his own. We continue in our relationship come to find out he still is intimate with his wife. They are working out there marriage. I'm currently pregnant with his child, last time we were together before he went back. He has visitations with the kids, he wants to be friends but I can't. I refuse to be friends. I will let him be in the kids life but that is it. I knew him since I was 12 I think I crushed on him my whole life. So they will never leave no matter what. Eve if you are their secret family they go back to the real one.

  23. Carol says:

    I've been married 27 years to a wonderful man though he ignores me, takes me for granted and is not interested in sex. After a series of personal crisises, I began an affair with a MM. For two years it was spectacular. We had days of passion together that exceeded my most wonderful dreams. Not only were we lovers, but we became best friends. I always struggled with the guilt and worried about getting caught. I had to pretend things were great at home, and my husband is so happy with me and how nice I've been, that he would never suspect. In reality, I only felt happy when I was with my lover As it always happens, my AP's wife found out. Luckily, my lover shielded my identity. He has always claimed he wanted to leave his wife, and would do it in a heartbeat, but I have always maintained I would NEVER leave my husband. He wants to continue and just be more careful, but I want to end it, not just for my own family, but for his. I can't keep lying and sneaking around like this. If I'm found out my life will be over. There will be no forgiveness if my H finds out. I want to go back to my husband, resume being the good wife I was for over two decades and seek counseling. My lover wants to either move out of his house and continue being with me or stay in his house and continue. He says his marriage was over years ago. I want him to stay with his family and work it out. The big problem is I still crave him and he craves me. How do I get on with my life and forget him? I feel responsible for his messed up home situation and guilty about just ending it with him. I deserve the tears and misery I brought upon myself; but too many innocent people are getting hurt. I urge anyone considering an affair, don't do it. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

  24. Emma says:

    Where do I begin? I'm married, but I met a guy at college who is also married and has one (now two) kids. I have no kids and am not planning to until I have things figured out. After months of getting to know each other better and flirting, we went on a trip with our university and found out that we both like each other. After a few weeks of messaging each other we had sex twice. Best sex of my life. It was incredible. I'm sure feeling naughty was a big factor, but our bodies were so compatible where mine and my husbands are not. I'm not sure I'll ever find anything like it again. The sex happened during summer break, and one week before the semester started he told me he was going to try and do the "right thing". I still have to see him almost every day because we have a class together. It's torture. He seems pretty solid on doing the right this but we still talk sometimes. It's hard to know if it's really over or not.
    Carrying this secret is a heavy burden. Putting it here helps a little though. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my husband.
    I'm in a tough situation. And I've done it all to myself. I can't stop thinking about this guy and wanting him in a sexual way. I don't see how we can have a normal friendship at school after going through this. I can't escape being around him until he graduates.I feel lost and completely alone. I know I'm a bad person for doing this, but now I have to figure out how to survive with the mess I've made.

  25. Assailant says:

    My affair ended when my AP's wife found text messages between the two of us of a romantic and sexual nature, and he revealed everything. Our affair started at work lasted 2 years. Yes he told me all the time that he cared about me tremendously , that he would never ever hurt me intentionally.. That I helped him discover things about himself. We work very closely together, and I was instantly attracted the first time I met him. Now two years later he treats me like it is solely my fault, I am like yesterday's trash. He goes out of his way to ignore me, will not even glance my way. This is what kills Bc we work so closely with one another. Also his marriage is thriving now, he posts tons of pictures on social media boasting how he is so I. Love with his wife now. I regret it 100 times over, ever starting anything with him. It isn't worth it, not one moment of pleasure or happiness with him, none of it is worth it.

    • Ann says:

      The problem is you shouldn't sleep with married men. They are just using you for sex. Everybody always want to blame the wife…Ie he is not getting what he needs at home. That's bullshit. Just don't sleep with a man who is married. He will never leave his family. You are getting exactly what you deserve.

      • Tweeter says:

        People like Ann – you are wasting your time admonishing. Get over yourselves. There are deeper reasons that people seek out relationships outside of marriage and all of your finger-pointing isn't gonna stop it. You sound like some bitter wife. Ain't nobody got time for you.

    • Deeplyduped says:

      This is me too.
      Our affair started at work and lasted over five years through us both moving to different jobs, we were obsessed with each other and had contact through the day, every day but for a couple of periods where he said she was suspicious. He was very persistent, there were times I would suggest it stop, because of that, but he wouldn't hear of it and always say he couldn't bear me not in his life.
      Three months ago, he said she'd found texts and he'd told her we'd been physical and given her specific details. He also told her we'd only been friends and not seen each other for a while since he'd been working on his marriage, which was a lie. I was totally devastated. We'd been together three days before and he'd told me he loved me, all of me.
      I couldn't function and had intermittent messages from her, all threatening and blaming me. It was my fault.
      His accounts of what was happening were contradictory, he'd told me his marriage was past saving for the whole previous year, it was me he loved. After letting him know I had, I t9ld my husband I heard nothing from him for a further month. It was pure agony.
      Then the messages started again, slandering me, still with all the blame.

      She kept saying she knew everything, and it took me all the strength I had not to tell her that he was still lying to her. That he'd been living a double life with me for five years and it had been deeply emotional.

      I never did get answers to my own questions and never understood why he'd had to tell her physical details, he hadn't text me intimate details for a long time. I'd been suspicious that he'd got someone else at least for the previous year, so none of it made sense to me. I've had to go into counselling alone to try to cope with what he did to me, and alsgtou why I've found this myself.
      I miss him every day, but I ended it myself told stop the madness and excruciating pain.

      After being the love of his life all that time he disappeared into thin air back to a wife whom he'd said had been asking for a divorce for years.
      I know I will never get over it, but have to move forward with my life.

      People will be quick to judge, but no one knows until it happens to them. I was one of those who always said infidelity was wrong…until it happeñed to me.

      Jus5 completely broken.

    • Bettina says:

      When you enter a. Affair with a married man you have to be responsible for your actions, it's always a game ble. Learn to have no regrets a few be happy for the ti.ə you had. He wants his marriage to work a d needs to be strictly the with himself.

  26. Belinda says:

    I am so confused because I still think a lot of my affair partner because I did have strong feelings for him and him for me. I did not end it, my husband did when he found out about it. He send him a message pretending to be me and my affair partner thought it was me. I have not contacted him because I don't want to cause anymore problems with my husband but I feel that I myself did not have any closure. I was going to end it anyway but I wanted to talk to him and I wanted to tell him to explain it to him. I didn't like that my husband did it and I feel a lot of resentment towards him right now. What should I do? Do I contact my affair partner and tell him that it wasn't me who sent him that message or should I leave it alone and not contact him again. I just feel that I can't move forward without letting him know that it wasn't me. I want him to know that the words that my husband told him was not me but him. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

    • Knowledge says:

      You feel resentment toward your husband because you’re still focused on your feelings, on your needs, on your drug – him. You were cheating on your husband, he should not be expected to act rationally in this situation. Although most would say you don’t owe your affair partner anything, let alone an explanation, if you feel strongly about the communication your husband sent you should contact him and explain what occurred. But be ready for the consequences if your husband finds out. It sounds like you’re not over the affair yet. One thing I learned is that with affairs, there are no rules. None. You want closure? Good luck, not many get it when these types of relationships end. You’re lucky if you do. At this stage, you need to focus on being honest with yourself about what you want out of the relationship you’re currently in. Why do you stay? Do you still love your husband? What are your afraid of? Start working on finding out the root of your problems, the ones that caused you to seek out another man in the first place. Your healing won’t begin until you take those steps. You stated that you can’t move on without letting him know it wasn’t you who sent the message. Once he finds out it was from your husband, and not you, that’s even greater cause for him to understand the impact of the affair. Once your husband or wife finds out about the affair, the honeymoon (the one you’ve been having with your affair partner) is over.

  27. Martha says:

    These are all good and helping me. We are both married and still are. I was with my lover for 6 months but we became really good friends before, so I knew him for a year and a half. I did hair and he came in weekly for a cut and a shave. I had the most awful feeling the first time I met him, but as he continued to come I started to grow attached. After him coming for 10 months it just clicked one day and he actually tried to hug me. It was so weird and I didn't hug him back. But he touched my hand and it was like lightning had struck through my body. He didn't come for a month after that. I think he felt weird. It was aqward when he came back but I couldn't forget about that bolt of lightening striking through me. I ended up messaging him on FB and tol him not to come because I was growing an attachment. He responded with, it's okay, I get attached to people all the time. It doesn't have to be weird and I would like to still come. How the hell could I have been so stupid!? He came in the next day and said he was completely in love with me and he told me every day after that for the 6 months that he loved me. Guilt built up, sadness, living the lie. He wanted to leave and then we swapped places, I fell more in love and was ready to leave. Then one day near the end he told me "you will never win" meaning over his kids, I do believe he isn't attracted to his wife and has struggled since they got married. This comment left me broken and are at me. The last week we met everyday didn't have sex, but just talked for 2-3 hours each night. I told him I was going to let it out. We both new it was coming to a end and I know at least for me I wanted to hold on I'm not sure if he really loved me or if he just wanted me and it was a game. I struggle with that a lot now. Anyways, I let it out and everything blew up. I told my husband and he went over to the house and made sure the wife knew. I didn't expect or think it thru that I would never see or speak to him again. I called him twice after the first week possibly 3 times the two weeks after and no answer. One time he answered and Hung up. I know what I feel now and being out if it for a year now and I still have my days. I consider myself a very strong and successful women, but for months on end I couldn't get out of all of the emotions and wondering if it was really real for him or if it was a game. I was very confident and I am just barely gaining that back. I loved him and I still do. I want to never remember him though and forget about him. I think he is bad news. One day I pray that I will.

  28. Lostgirl says:

    I had an affair with a MM Co workwr-said he was split & didn't love her anymore he lived with me off and on. For 5 months we traveled and laid in bed holding one another, best friends. then 1 day she found out and he was gone. It's been a week & nothing. I'm crushed & feel lost.

  29. Mike S says:

    Perhaps I need help. I met my affair about 4 months ago. Honestly it was live at first sight. I saw her and felt she was the one. She wasn't wearing a ring song wasn't sure if she was married but nevertheless less she was. Anyhow I gave her my number not really thinking she will message me but she did. And it all started from that point on. We started chatting met for a coffee. She lives about an hour away so we always met half way. It became a such a close relationship. She gave me all I had been missing in my marriage and I gave her what she was missing in hers. Our biggest connection came from emotional and mental closeness we hung out a lot 3 to 4 days a week. She wasn't working cause she had lost her job so I was there to take her Mind of things. All that time we spent, we became closer and I definitely fell in love with her. It all changed when she found a new job. I just didn't matter as much. I became the after thought. When ever we would chat on the phone. I was either put on hold or told I will call back but it sometimes never happened. She just became so busy that I started to get less calls less texts and so on so forth. I guess her husband told her on Boxing Day that he wanted to fix the marriage. That just totally threw a monkey wrench in our relationship. To make things work her new job that she loves so much was starting to send her on trips to deal with clients. She was send away to the states and while she was there not sure what really happened. But when she returned her attitude had changed and started saying not sure when she will get to see me. I believe she met someone there even though she denies it. When ask if she still wants to have a relationship with me. Her response is yes. But I don't buy it. I think I'm gonna end it cause keep messing me up if I don't I m just a filler for her. Should I leave her, or should I stay

    • Knowledge says:

      There is absolutely no hope for this relationship. You should end it as soon as you’re realistically able to. She won’t leave her husband for you or for anyone else. If she does, it’ll be for herself. If I were you I would not stick around.

    • LostinATL says:

      She's having her cake and eating it too with other men. I went through the same thing. I felt helpless when she wouldn't call or text and I knew full well she was dating other men and her phone was always blowing up with horney guys wanting to grab a drink. I don't know why I got involved but the sex and connection was awesome. She was divorced and living on her own…no job because the ex was rich and she was playing the field after 25yrs of marriage. I was another notch. Once the fog cleared I left in a flash and went back to fixing my marriage. I have feelings for her all the time but they are fading over time. i love my wife and we have been able to improve the areas in our relationship that caused me to cheat. Run away, run away now and run to your wife.

    • Bettina says:

      End it!

  30. Amy says:

    Well I to have been the cheater and cheated on. I was totally against affairs i couldn't understand how hard it was just to leave the marriage before it starts. My husband myself and our 2 kids moved out of state for a job opportunity for my husband , and I started a job down the road from our apartment. Well I started work and there was a guy there that I clicked with to the point where ppl at work thought that we knew each other for years. To make a long story short I left my number in my bosses desk he found it and text me before I could get home. We text very sexual things and asked each other something like 20 questions just to get to know each other more. Months went by we would break if off and start it up about 3 times . We've never kissed or held hands. never had sex but we did other sexual things or at least I did ..and little over a year goes by and all that happened , was one sexual act and same ole conversation it got old . well I ended it bc I started havings feelings the tension between us was stong or at least I thought . it's been a few months and i can't shake these feelings for him . I've been married 16 years after that long you just lose those butterfly feelings and he woke them up. By the way he is also married with a 2 year old and one on the way he lied about the details of the affair to he's wife so much that he didn't even refer to it as a affair..I just need to get over him but how??

    • Knowledge says:

      If you don’t find a way to get over him, you will be hurt and left even more confused than you currently are. Married men with children rarely leave their families, especially if the wife doesn’t know, and even when she is well aware. Look at your own situation… how hard would it be for you to leave your husband and children? I would suggest seeing a therapist or counselor on the side if your feelings for him are that strong. With a 2 year old and a baby on the way there’s no way you can or will be a priority. You could work on fixing your own marriage, or making the tough decision as you sort through the emotional drama.

  31. Christine says:

    I see all these comments and the article coming from the perspective of the cheater. What about the person who's heart you broke?? I was cheated's been almost a year since I found out about it but even less time since his affair ended. I am devastated…completely heartbroken. Him and I are still together and working on our relationship. But I sit here and it's constantly on my mind. I almost feel crazy because every single thing I do…I think of him being with her. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do to move forward. But it passes me off to see the cheaters playing victim. You had a choice and you made one. I however did not have a choice other than to stay with him or leave. I say home countless nights knowing where he was and having absolutely no control over it. The 2 kids we brought into this world together did not have a choice. Thay sat home missing their daddy because his mistress was more important. He has cut all ties with her…but I still catch myself checking his phone. Adding up his hours at work and comparing them to the time he gets home. How long till I should feel free of the weight of all of the wrong that he and the other woman did???

  32. Kam says:

    It's been about a year of no physical contact and four months since we spoke. It's been hard. I think about them everyday. Multiple times a day. I was always the other guy. He had multiple relationships but I was always the other guy from out of town. It started when I was 22, I was young and didn't take sex or relationships seriously. I never thought our closeness would remain for so long and I never thought my feelings would grow stronger as time we on. As I moved into my 30's something changed with me. I began to crave more. More attention, wanting someone to be there. His current relationship seem to last longer than the previous ones. I still didn't think it would last. It was my hope when this one ended that it would be my turn. My turn to be the one. I needed to be the one. I needed him to choose me. As time went on, their relationship went through bumps but remained intact. I did more and more to try and prove I was seriously about being with him. This began to cause issues between us. I began to feel the disconnect between us, realize that I wasn't the one he would prefer to be with. This hurt. Hurt more than I could have imagined. at the end I needed to find some self worth, gather some pride and move on. And I did. There have been numerous conversations about what happened and how I felt but I have left all of them empty. Realizing there is no closure. Nothing is going to make me feel better but time and distance. This shit sucks! Today was especially hard. The feelings of wanting to reach out to him were so strong. Luckily my phone started having issues. Maybe it was God. Either way I will press on. Crying and Praying.. Crying and praying for relief. Relief of emptiness, relief from this tiny hope that still dwells. I know I will be okay. I know he is not the answer. I can only move forward and make the best life possible.

  33. Heather says:

    What you all don't get is it is infatuation!!! Having something that is forbidden is exciting but that is not real life.
    What you all did is horrible!!! End of story, lie, betray, cheat and then feel you need sympathy for feeling sad and lonely missing the lover. What about the person you cheated on??? How are they feeling??? What about the kids?? Can you look your child in the eye and say I cheated on mommy or daddy because I got bored or this person was interesting flirted with me or times were alittle rough at home so I needed to find someone that would make me feel better. Where is the self control and commitment in marriage. Remember the day you married that person you promised to what??? Can you tell I was cheated on, I have been more then forgiving and I have to deal with this sad sack crap. Lover withdrawals. Really, again what about the person that was cheated on? What about the children and the other family members, the friends that have all be affected by this. Remember everything you do in life affects other people. The advice to all of this is quit being so selfish think about the people you have hurt and get over it, man up to what you have done, and fix it.

    • goldfinch says:

      you dont know what your talking about. My husband treated me like a door matt. Drinking with his mate, would rather be with them all the time. He didnt want to change his ladding ways cus he had it all. He lied to meand cheated with his lover(his football ) Always put football before me. Despite all this I stayed married to him and found solace in a beautiful man who cared for me properly. Revenge is sweet. So dont feel sorry for the spouse who was cheated on cus they deserve it.

    • Troylynn Proctor says:

      Oh man you hit the nail on the husband had an affair and had the odassity to ask me to help him heal. He says I dont show empathy. I dont know how to heal myself let alone heal him. So because I failed to heal him he now goes on dating sights because he says it helps him get over the mistress .what about me ?

  34. Jenn says:

    I am almost 45 carrying on an affair for 3 years. We are both married . My husband has been controlling verbally abusive and mean since we had children. We do absolutely nothing together. I finally got him to move cross country back to where my family and my secret lover are. I have been trying to get my career back so I can get on my two feet and leave him. I thought my lover might do the same although his situation is far different. He is wealthy and gets along fine with his wife. He is in a sexless marriage . All the vaycays and activities he does with her has taken its toll on me. I finally broke it off after he was out on a date with his wife and friends . I am tired of being hidden and used. He has made it clear he is not leaving. It's extremely difficult yet understanding that he still takes his wife out on dates made it a whole heck of a lot easier. I'm looking forward to getting on my own and in a loving normal relationship. This forum helps because I am deeply in love with my lover but need to move on for my well being

  35. 16 years of sadness says:

    I'm a 65 year old male whom had an affair with another married women 16 years ago. She and I saw each other for 2 years. The last time I saw her, she told me she would leave her husband for me. I told her we owe our spouses more than that, we need to end the affair.

    16 years later I still miss her, I loved her with everything that was inside me. If I had known how hard it was going to be to forget her, I would of divorced my wife and married her. I've felt the love for my wife of 35 years like the love I felt for Sandy.

    I thought I was doing the right thing but I was wrong. Such great sadness to know you let the love of your life go. I had thought I could find her again but life has swallowed her up and I've not been able to find her ….

    • Joe says:

      I'm sorry to say this but you sound like an asshole.

    • Amy says:

      Thank you for this. She loves you too and thinks about you all the time.

    • Hizlady15 says:

      Such a sad situation it breaks my heart how life can come between to people who truly love each other.My lover ended our 16 month long affair and I'm beyond heartbroken I love him so much and think of him constantly and my tears just won't stop flowing. I am going to live and miss him forever… I hope he misses me the way you miss your lover & I hope that one day she may return to your arms…

    • Elaine says:

      Affairs are just that. Affairs. There is no "happily ever after when the reality of day to day life begins. Will you be happy? Yes, but will that euphoric feeling last forever? Absolutely not. What you miss is the escape. The vacation from boredom. The spontaneity, the high that fools you like a drug. I have seen family member after family member enter into affairs only to move on to the next high when the original wears off. You cannot possibly stay on that playground forever cause rain will come, then snow, then ice. That is reality. Ask The Lord through The Holy Spirit to help you. First moment by moment, then day by day and then week by week and month by month. Then year by year. Time and effort will bring you back to reality.

    • phyllis johnson says:

      You are missing the "idea of her". If you had married this woman life with her would have gotten mundane and boring. Now you're contrasting your boring life with the thrill of the other woman. Don't keep thinking about what if, she's gone. Try to focus on your wife and how she's been with you all these years. You said "she's gone" so move on she's not coming back, you're just torturing yourself.

    • rsjs says:

      you are preaching to the choir. my affair ended 20 years ago, we were both married. Her husband found out, my wife never did…and still doesn't know.
      and I miss her so much… i used to say that if we got any closer,, we would pass each other…
      she said that she had an endless supply of love for me, but dropped me off a 10 story emotional building, and although I have moved on,, I still miss her so so much..
      Affairs never end as they last an emotional lifetime.

  36. charlotte says:

    three and a half years into a love affair, I had to stop seeing him because of my guilt and shame. I would like to say that he was a dear friend and cared for me very much. I felt the same way about him too. Why do people condem us for seeking to find a way to survive unhappy in marraiges. If I was selfish Iwould have walked out on my selfish husband but I put up with his drinking and laddish behaviour because of the children. My husband lived the life of a bachalour but thretened to comt suicide if ever I left him. I miss my dear lover so much but dont regret a thing. He helped me through a very bad time and i still miss him

  37. Annette says:

    I wonder if you guys have any idee what an affair does to a marriage?It brakes you in one million pieces,it destroyes you,it will take away all the trust in people,and in yourself.You will start to judge yourself, it will take away your inner piece.You wil NEVER EVER be the same again, that old romantic movies that you loved in the past you will start to hate it.As soon as you watch a movie and the wife or husband is cheating all the bad meories will rush back and your heart will stop to beat just for a second,but unfortunetly it will start to beat again.You will never look at your husband the same ever again,the dreams and images just keeps on popping up.With every touch from him you will think is he thinking about her,every time you see her she reminds you that she had sex with YOUR husband.HOW DO YOU GET BACK FROM THAT DARK PLACE?Please people if you want to cheap,rather just divorse her first,that is the lease you can do……..

    • Lynn says:

      I am 100% behind you on this one, husband carries on as usual and you are left to pick up the pieces.It hurts like hell you never forget, you always remember the lies and deceipt, I to am in the same situation my husband cheated on me I still see his ex mistress and like you think about they had together they have their secrets which you are not privy to itsee hurtful.

    • Heidi says:

      I couldn't agree more. It has been 10 months and I am so broken. I can't imagine ever feeling the same way about my husband again.

  38. Lin says:

    My beautiful husband cheated on me with his ex wife, 7 years after they separated and 4 years after we married. He never lost contact with the needy, manipulative, dysfunctional thing he lived with for 30 years. He says his marriage was over 10 years before he left but I now think it was never over and never will be. Although they can't live together, he apparently can't live without her. So where does that leave me? I didn't know this chaotic, shattered, wild, mental person I have now become. This has brought out the worst in me. My heart races most of the day, I feel I am walking alone, pretending to be amongst others and struggle to think about anything else. He says he is sorry and that he loves me. I need to hear that daily, in different ways, over and over and over. He thinks because he has said it, I should believe it and move on. I don't know what to do. I don't know what else to say. I am lost, struggling and dying.

    Anyone reading this who has just started an affair, or is in the throes of one about to start, please, please consider your partner. If you are not happy in your marriage, think of the person you once loved and made promises and vows to. Leave them, give them and yourself the dignity of ending a relationship because you fell out of love, not because you are a cheating, lying, secretive, selfish person. You will have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life if you don't come clean before you start an affair.

  39. I'mNotInLoveAnymore says:

    I know my situation is no different from what I have been reading out here. Its good to vent anonymously. I am a friendly and outgoing person just by nature…normal for most..I have a boyfriend of 10 years who shall I say bores me..but offers excuses I met a married man working a temp assignment for 1 day..what was weird was the instant connection we had when we talked..I was looking at myself through him..turns out we share the same birthday and are alot alike hence the connection.He was bored at home doesn't work his wife is a rich bitch and supports him all the way. I had a issue with that but who was I to judge. I wasn't looking to have an affair and I told him that..but it didn't matter he was in full pursuit of me we lived really close to each other and the temptation was real close. I am the stupid one who gave in and did the deed with him I was so uncomfortable at first it was strange being with someone else I know he enjoyed himself but I was a flutter..we got into some kinky shit I won't mention but after awhile it was like second nature.lasted 6 months..and now of course he moved away with his wife living the easy life which I feel like exploding every damn day..I hate him so much right now I get severe headaches, depressed I really have no one else to blame by myself for allowing such animalistic behavior to carry on that long..Yes I am going to hell, yes I regret it everyday and NO I haven't told my boyfriend who will automatically leave when he finds out which I wrestle with everyday. My moods are ever changing I am not pleasant to be around even with my friends..its terrible living this way.I want go back to being my old self but unfortunately that will never happen..All I can do is admit my indiscretion and move on sometimes its harder than it seems.Thanks for letting me vent .

    • Guest says:

      I feel you I going through the same situation at the moment and I'm thinking that I'm the only one going through it. It's super hard and difficult to know that what you did and the results of it. Like a slap to our face but at the same time we new what the end was going to be like even though we had hope.

    • Jaco says:

      The best thing you can do is admit to him that you cheated. You will never be free if you don't.

    • Lisa Summers says:

      God forgives and can help you to Forgive yourself…In time, You may be able to See what You learned from that experience.. We ALL make mistakes.

  40. customm says:

    So you think they love you, what did they do to the last person they said they loved? Do you people have any clue of the destruction you have caused someone you said you loved, every song on the radio, every movie, every quite moment alone, you hurt, not little hurts, chest crushing pain, remembering they touched, kissed, held another, discussed you and you personal life with another, you enjoyed them the way they should have been enjoying you, you'll never feel they love you anymore, how could they and cause this pain to you, how could they turn away from you to another without telling you first, you feel you never mint anything to them, everything was a lie, how could they do these things then come home acting as if they still love you, your whole world disappears in seconds, literally seconds, your very core is shaken, who you trusted most tricked you, all trust in everything is gone, you were conned for their ego. Divorce 1st, your spouse deserves better that what you feel for them, hell you couldn't love your spouse and make a marriage work while another person is in your head and no one deserves to be treated so disrespectfully, but you won't cause the AP may not take you back, so you still selfishly lie to your spouse, hurting them more to keep them till you replace them, that's a coward and BTW, if you were cheating with me and broke it off I wouldn't take you back, cause I would know 100%, for sure, you are a cheater, if you will do it with me, you will do it to me, so no, sorry.

  41. Sylvia says:

    We have been married 52 years. Found out via a phone call on his phone. He had a 25 year sexual affair and then they broke up and he wanted to start up again so an emotional affair for 10 years. He has a brain injury from am auto accident 3 years ago. I have know for 2 years. I continue to care for him. However, I am so dann hurt and frustrated with him. How do I get through this mess?

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