So My Ex Is Dating A Man

I’ve always assumed, as generalizations go, that not sleeping with someone helped determine whether the relationship had a future just as much as sleeping with someone helps determine that for others. Today, the focus is my ex and the fact that she’s dating a guy now. Yes, that ex. The one you never imagined in a million years would cross over or back over to the other side. And neither did she. I figured around late last year she had been feeling very lonely, and needy for affection and attention after getting over an abusive ex, and tultumotous relationship. I always thought the affection would naturally come from another woman. So when she worked up the nerve to tell me all about him, you could imagine my surprise. Disbelief. Only after engaging in serious discourse  did I begin to think a bit more critically about the situation. It’s been over a week since she dropped the bomb on me and I’m over the initial emotional disconnect that set on immediately following, and now I’m in the “who, what, where, when and why” phase. It was like I instinctually recoiled from learning something that went against everything I knew to be true.  I felt justified at first, but in reality my reaction was in stark contrast to the previous knowledge that she had been dating a woman and planned to become very serious with her just 2 years prior. I internalized that memory and pushed it to the forefront of my mind because I needed to be able to check myself down the road. It was bound to happen. I was being forced to reconsider a lot of things relating to sexuality all at once.

My ex had her own reservations about telling me. For that reason, she put it off for months. We’d chat like nothing out of the ordinary was occurring. For instance, she’d been asking a myriad of questions past and present relating to having children, maintaining a new relationship, and different relationship scenarios. I gladly advised her under with the premise that the questions had much to do with another woman.  I was thrown for a loop. But I wouldn’t have been completely thrown had she not hid the fact that she was serious about this guy, D, the whole time. I had a feeling prior to this that she was seeing someone she didn’t want me to know about, but I thought it was an undesireable individual and she felt I’d unfairly judge her. As far as it being a guy, well I was never that forward thinking. You see, ex-girlfriends can be extra demanding if you allow them, especially when either one or both of you is already in a serious relationship. More time spent with the other person means less time spent whining to me about her lack of options, and I never insisted when we’d talk so she was able to allude telling me.

A little back story first. Their sexual relationship didn’t begin on firm ground, and that’s more his fault than hers, but both of theirs really. Male insecurity, jealousy, the whole nine was the reason he stopped talking to her. When they initially began a sexual relationship, she brought another woman into the mix, a femme lesbian who had no physical contact with D during sex, but she had plenty of it with my ex. D was okay with it being a femme lesbian, but when she brought a stud home just to hang out with, he copped an attitude and left without saying anything, and hadn’t talked to her since that night. She was compelled to tell me about the situation with D because no one else’s advice was working and she was at her wits end.

It annoyed me to know the reason behind his diss. Like he didn’t know she was a lesbian all this time, but there he was  just as confused as I, probably more so when his sexual advances started being received. He felt threatened, insecure, and all the usual male responses to bringing a stud or butch lesbian around. On the other hand my ex was hurting and I could tell she had developed feelings for him. A threesome already though?That isn’t exactly a promising sign of relationship longevity, but you never know, right? Times have changed and it’s apparent to me that both of them have genuine feelings for each other to varying degrees. For the moment, I brought my thoughts out of the twilight zone and stopped thinking about her sexing this guy to further avoid reacting with biased disdain. Plus, I was taking the shit personally. As if all of her relationships with women were so terrible, including ours, that she decided it was in her best interest to start dating men. Less hassle, less stress? A misconception if I ever heard one, hence the reason she needed my advice. I was determined to give her some damn good advice too, but not before letting her know how I really felt about everything. I asked if she considered herself bisexual or lesbian. I could tell she was offended by the question, but she said she still considered herself a lesbian. I couldn’t understand how she was so certain about that considering the sexual relationship. I viewed the declaration as a threat to the sanctity of lesbian identity right down to the core of what makes us who we are.

Ultimately, my ex dating a man challenges a lot of my thinking about sexuality. The fluidity in sexuality we often hear of is true and that fluid identity is inherently natural in most people whether they believe it or not. Is it more mental than physical? I’m unaware, but what I do know is that she confirms her lesbianism by emphatically stating her attraction to women hasn’t gone anywhere. She is simply open to the idea of emotional and physically loving a man. I have a fleeting suspicision it’s far more than that.  Does our need for sexual and/or emotional fulfillment implore that we look outside of ourselves when it comes right down to it? I do believe the need for arousal dictates that we can be discriminating in our tastes when it comes to being fulfilled while posessing the ability and mentality to make those reservations more or less so important depending on the circumstances. This has been proven time and time again. I wanted to be pissed off for a variety of reasons, but I narrowed it down to the fact that she played into a stereotype, and the oldest in the book as it relates to straight men and lesbians, without bothering to consider the consequences. I expressed my disappointment about it, and she agreed mainly because it led us to where we’re at now.  My ex is a lesbian and I have never once thought otherwise until now. I asked a ton of questions that day, but it ended with my support of her relationship regardless of who it’s with, as long as it’s healthy and free of abuse of any kind. I don’t agree with her refusal to consider that she is quite possibly bisexual, but I respect the way she sees herself despite any reservations on my part.




4 Responses to “So My Ex Is Dating A Man”
  1. briabria says:

    so…going on two months later…where are you with this, and is your ex still the/a man?
    .-= briabria´s last blog ..Help Haiti: Donate To Those Who Need it Most… =-.

    • Knowledge says:

      Well, things are certainly progressing within her relationship, as well as mine, so our focus has been on learning how to step in these new directions, while getting used to the changes and adapting to lots of different things now, as opposed to before "the man". We we are currently in the process of collaborating on a follow up blog to this one because she would like to "set some things straight" (her words, not mine, lol). An update is coming soon.

  2. Exnewyorkernewyorker says:

    I would support it. It is her life and she can live it how she pleases. I do believe the term bisexual would be a bit more fitting though. It just makes everything clear for everyone.

Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!