A Year Later Continued

The thing is, I have no problem being judged. That’s something everyone deals with every day. The acceptance of judgment comes with age and experience.  I knew what I deserved and I knew who didn’t deserve what I was getting. My girlfriend was hurting, but this time it was because my infidelity was being placed on her shoulders. It was like a messed up episode of Cheaters where the two girls go at each other instead of the guy doing the dirty deed.  Something I would later recognize is a tendency for [some] {most} certainly (NOT all) other women to bash the competition, subsequently lashing  out at wifey or girlfriend when the affair hasn’t ended on their terms. My reaction to the constant pot shots taken at my girlfriend, who decided to stay, went a little something like… “Oh no she di’int…”

I was harsh in some ways, and not harsh enough in others in my reflections a year ago. These days, I reflect on things I was too hesitant to post then. The feelings of emptiness, bitterness, and the lingering attraction addiction to my ex-mistress and the  familiarity of the affair. Those feelings don’t just up and end and walk out on you when everything is said and done. They linger. The sick feeling I’d get every time I thought about the close calls and damn near disastrous episodes that occurred over the years. My girlfriend and OW were no strangers to each other. They came into contact, talked in person and over the phone on more than one occasion.

Once, during a flag football game against a rival  team, my ex-mistress came to the game not knowing my girlfriend was already standing on the sideline cheering me on. She called my girlfriend while standing a few feet back from the field. They talked for a while, then my girlfriend did something that breaks my heart to this day. She knew how important that game was to me. It was the most important one of the year and one I still look forward to every football season. Instead of allowing a scene to be caused, she called me over and explained what happened. Then she told me she was leaving because my mistress was not. Oddly enough, my team was completely unaware of what transpired because my girlfriend ended up leaving and going home.

My heart sank all the way into my stomach and didn’t resurface until I put a band-aid on the incident by talking my way out of what was quite clear to both women.

Even after that incident, the affair persisted.  Complacency in affairs affects all parties if they go on long enough. The mistress settles, the girlfriend settles, and even you settle into a pattern of complete and utter self destruct.

Where am I today? At a peaceful place in my relationship. I have found something precious in being able to explore and process my thoughts and actions with her without judgment. The affair didn’t save my relationship; I saved it along with the help of an amazing woman.  When it began, I didn’t want to leave my girlfriend and when it ended that want didn’t change. I do admit I am grateful that she allowed me the opportunity to rebuild what we had. A lot has changed, but some of the best things about the both of us have remained and allowed that progress to ensue.

My reaction after the affair ended was so strong because losing an emotional relationship, even an inappropriate one, is a big, but necessary loss.

Am I happier nowadays? Damn skippy. For the most part, I no longer harbor any grief about how things went down. Instead of compartmentalizing each and every aspect of the affair, I look at it at a whole. It’s hard sometimes. I look back and wonder just what in the hell I was thinking. You see, there are some darker aspects of the affair that I haven’t even begun to address. Just getting over that one hurdle (the breakup) was a slow process that was a long time coming.

Recently, my girlfriend said she noticed a change in my writing over the past year. I explained that the change isn’t in my writing, but in my thinking. She’s still somewhat right, and there are still so many things I need to express.

It has taken a decade to come to terms with the fact that I don’t need 2 or 3 women at a time to satisfy all of my needs in a relationship. I make mistakes, but my focus isn’t narrow any longer. Relationships are more meaningful and important and my goals now center around the people who are most important in my life.

The interpersonal relationships with some of my ex’s have evolved to a point where I feel comfortable being myself without feeling the need to please and compensate. There’s a clear line between my need to please a woman I owe nothing to and the honor I owe only to my significant other.

So, with writing as a release, there’s also this down side, which I honestly only feel strongly every now and then. The downside is that I censor myself sometimes to alleviate the need to explain anything outside of the blog, but it doesn’t always turn out that way. But some things I would just rather blog about than express any other way anyway, but despite those reservations, I put as much into my personal posts as I can.




3 Responses to “A Year Later Continued”
  1. Ang says:

    Dude….we are living or have lived some very similar lives….but I think I am getting too old now…LOL My last scene about killed me and has made me re-evaluate my life….I love two women who I loved so much….and I would give anything to sit down with my "mistress" (I hate calling her that cuz after the relationship I was in ended cuz of my affair, she did become my girlfriend) and talk to her about things….but hell she won't even accept a postal letter from me! Talk about risking it all, and losing it all. So, my friend, watch out that you do not fall back into the trap again. You are very lucky that your girl gave you another chance, or stood by you….some women can do it, and some cannot. I respect that my ex-wife could not do it.

  2. Knowledge says:

    "So, my friend, watch out that you do not fall back into the trap again."

    Thanks for the good advice, Ang. I know you're speaking from experience and you've been there, done that, and don't want to see me make the same mistakes. I appreciate your wisdom, and most defintely, the well-meaning advice that I DEFINITELY need to hear every now and then.

    You're right about some women being able to recover from it and some not. You have to respect either way. It's why I can't help by acknowledge the fact that I damn sure didn't do it all on my own. Appreciate your insight, bro!

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