On Ending The Affair

Intense emotional affairs are the hardest to end. Believing and acknowledging that you are in love with your affair partner can be a repelling thought and one that is difficult to digest when contemplating leaving the affair behind. Emotionally severing ties with an individual that impacts your life on a daily level, providing a constant dose of emotional high is, in a word, a heartbreaking occurrence. So just know that if you are serious about ending the affair your heart will be broken, at least for a little while. It will affect the things you do, the people around you, and your relationship with your significant other will be tested more than it’s ever been before because you are faced with the internal and external turmoil that comes with taking responsibility for the fall, especially the aftermath.

As hard as these relationships are to reconcile, the fact is you can gauge its potential by staring it right in the eye and accepting the ugly truth. Whether or not there is a future in the affair hinges on knowing if your affair partner has a future in their current marriage/relationship or if they even want one with you with the knowledge of a previously failed commitment. If they are single things can become more complicated.

I believed I was head over heels in love with my mistress, but also much to content to consider leaving my girlfriend. She was my stability and I wasn’t about to give up a sure thing for something wild, lusty, oddly intense and equally uncertain. There were just too many maybes and what ifs but ultimately I knew better – that leaving stability for uncertainty was no way to end a relationship and begin a new one.

The realization that my mistress was starting to move on, talk to other people romantically, and eventually date was just the jolt I needed. I couldn’t believe the woman I once felt so much for was moving on. But in the end, I realized it was exactly what I needed so that I could begin the tumultuous journey of rational, clear thought devoid of misdirected passion and its disastrous ramifications.

When dealing with instant attraction in affairs, whether physical or emotional, or what many describe as “lust at first sight,” its hard to keep in mind that like attracts like. The law of attraction dictates that our relationships are highly influenced by our expectations, focus, energy, consistency and how we feel. Eventually, you get what you ask for so be careful what you ask for.

Separating wants from needs to get to the root of the addiction and its behavioral manifestations (infidelity) is crucial. You must make yourself believe that to continue the affair will only bring heartache and sorrow because in the end, and it will eventually end, that’s is exactly what you will feel. Sad and heartbroken and only yourself to blame.

One way to address the root of the behavior doesn’t only involve you. It includes your affair partner and your significant other. You must find a way to unincorporate your needs from your affair partners lifestyle but that can only happen if it’s what you truly want. You have to want it without question, practically forcing yourself to do the right thing in the short term to reap the benefits in the long term.

If certain aspects of your relationship with your significant other have become stale and you begin looking elsewhere for intimacy and understanding, then fixing one part without working on the other will create ample opportunity for a blindside. When you’re putting tons of effort into adjusting thinking patterns with little to no adjustment as it relates to physical actions… you’ll end up right back where you started.

Honestly ask yourself if you want to be married or in a committed relationship, because that is the most important question you will need to answer before anything will truly change in your life.

Affairs are addictions and the temptation will always be there. For some, affairs are attempts to escape feelings and circumstances that are uncomfortable or not readily understood, coupled with a lack of desire to properly address the real underlying issue. A person with unresolved issues including past hurts that haven’t healed and/or needs that aren’t being met often escape to indulging in a number of vices. Things that can be deemed as addictive. Affairs are no different. Sometimes the escape is to another person. Addictions, like affairs, are entirely unhealthy.

As the person who has betrayed a significant other or spouse, it is your duty to seek an understanding of your own behavior. To simply concentrate on the behavior without understanding why you’ve done what you’ve done or what led to it it is counter productive. The lies and betrayal are morally wrong and there is no way around that but you’ll need to seek forgiveness from not only the one you betrayed but also yourself. This will come in time.

The road to ending an affair is a long and difficult one. You will grieve and sometimes the period of grief is long and drawn out. So getting your emotions under control is vital to gaining the knowledge and understanding necessary to figure out why you did it and how you can prevent it from happening again.




18 Responses to “On Ending The Affair”
  1. greygirl0808 says:

    A friend of mine is dating her former affair. I can't help but think it can only end in disaster!


  2. sunnydelyte21 says:

    Sometimes ending is best….trust I know!

  3. BeenThere says:

    I wish i would have seen and read this post and comments before spending 10K on counceling. The article is spot on and is a tremendous help to me.

  4. Struggle says:

    Wow that's some pretty solid advice. OW here, looking for answers to such a controversial situation. I totally wish I could just go back to the beginning and never had this happen in the first place. No one wins. We all lose. My MM is almost twice my age, so I can relate to the first poster. As for Adrienne, I hear yah girl, I can't get my MM off my mind. Every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of him. The struggle is real.

  5. Whatislove? says:

    You all make me sick. Affairs don't help anyone or anything, they just create pain and a whirlwind of emotions for everyone involved. If you aren't happy in your supposedly committed relationship situation (and maybe have just met someone else whom you feel attracted to), at least have the decency to discuss it with your partner. If your relationship is so bad you can't talk about things with them, have the courage to admit that and seek help together, or apart, or failing that Just leave. Before starting up with another living, breathing human being. It really is very simple. My husband started an affair with a woman at work when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child. She knew from the outset that he was married and expecting a child. This didn't stop her from pursuing him relentlessly, even after she knew that he'd confessed the affair to me. I found out about the affair two days before our child was born, devastated but stood by him for the sake of deep love for him and our family. We have separated and gotten back together multiple times, and over the course of this time I've have watched him turn into an empty shell of himself half trying to recommit to our marriage and raise our child, whilst at the same time lying to me and sneaking around trying to pretend the affair is not ongoing (via correspondence).Things are still unresolved 10 months later and I can honestly say it has brought everyone involved devastating heartache and it is still going on. Our son in 10 months old. What good has an affair honestly brought anyone in this situation? What good does lying to people you supposedly love, and lying to yourself, ever bring? If you are considering getting involved with someone when you or they are not fully available to you, think again. Sort your shit out first, especially when children are involved. Grow up, people!

  6. Whatislove? says:

    By the way, my comments are directed at Lifeasweknowit and the other commenters who are carrying on romanticising about missing their affair partners and Braying about all the wonderful passionate feelings they have in an affair. Just giving some perspective from the point of view of a betrayed spouse, though I can see the other two are hurting also and nothing really good has come of sneaking around, ultimately. This article is actually good advice, if you are unlucky enought to be knee deep already.

  7. LostinATL says:

    I am in agony over my AP. I love her or at least I believe I do. I am still in the affair fog. But the utter longing and constant thought of her has kept me in a dark madness now for weeks, When will this torture end?

    • Impatientlywaiting says:

      How are you doing now? I found out about my husband's 2 year affair about a month ago and even though he decided to end it with her, he still misses her. At what point, will it get easier for him?

  8. Kay says:

    My husband had an affair (27yrs into our marriage). We are doing well after 2 1/2 yrs of very hard work. I had 2 dying kids, I had serious health issues , my husband was not around, had disdain for me, for a 3 year period didn't touch me, kiss me, have sex… he told me he had ER. Then the 2nd trauma of finding out I was lied to for 3 years, then the 3rd trauma of taking him back with a head so scrambled. We have only succeeded because of Christ, I never lived for my husband. It is just as painful but I know I'm in Gods
    will. My husband is fortunate, I am fortunate. I believe in redemption. Gold refined in fire. Don't throw away the person YOU chose to marry for how someone else made you feel. And if your self worth comes from God you'll be okay.

  9. Rob says:

    I am on a flight to Dallas and one of my biggest grieving episodes just hit me. I'm a 40 yr old that had a 5 yr affair with a much younger woman and ultimately had a child with her. I walked away from it all cause Im married with a 12 yr old and a 1.5yr old boy. I hurt so much and it's been 4 months. I feel like I abondoned my child but then pull back and think that I would abondon my other children if I leave my family. I miss my mistress so much I watch sad videos and cry to mask the real reason I'm crying. I am conflicted with telling my wife everything and risk losing my her, my kids, my parents and everyone else that supports our marriage and with continuing to distance myself from my mistress and now 2 month old new daughter. I ask myself if they are going to be OK without me. Will the baby grow up well without me. Will my mistress find someone that will be good to both of them? What would become of my wife if I left?? Would my 12 yr daughter forgive me. And my little boy? My dream child ..my sunshine that I waited so long for. Would my wife rake him far away from me. If I leave, am I trading one family for another? Need advice please…

    • zeke says:

      I too am in a similar situation. both wife and mistress are pregnant (about 2 months apart). My wife of 15 years and I never thought that we would have children. The miracle happened out of nowhere and I was overjoyed. Though I come to find out that my mistress is also pregnant. Like you I have been extremely emotional over this situation as I would never want to abandon either child or woman. I miss my mistress as well, but she has made the decision that if I can't be with her 100% then I can not be involved with her or the child. My wife is also taking the same stance to commit to her and our child 100% also. I must say that I have come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter how hurt or sad I am because the other people probably feel the same if not worse. Stay committed to your family and offer what you can to your other child (even if it is only monetary). If you are doing all you can and it is sincere in your heart, then you should not feel any guilt. Let me tell you, the guilt that my mistress put on me is what got me in this situation in the first place. Just be a good man and the best you can be and good things will happen, even though it may not be what you want, it will be what's best for everyone.

    • Laura says:

      How are you doing now? It's been almost 5 months, so I'd love to know how you're hanging in there. The hardest thing about all of this is that we can't really talk to any of our friends about these things so I think those of us who have screwed up need to support each other through these times. I'm trying to let go of a guy who I've been with for 3.5 years and who promised we'd have a future, but….the strain and conflict of everything just got to be too much. I expected more than he could give me, I guess, and I was disappointed that he was maintaining a physical relationship with his wife. I don't understand why he still wanted that when he had me. Once all these feelings get involved, it's so hard to let go, I know. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

    • HaniP says:

      You need to get a backbone and face the music. This shit is going to hit the fan. You need to confess everything to your wife before your side slag does. Whether or not it is an amicable, or reconcilable outcome is not your choice. The consequences will be. You obviously had no morals or qualms to go fuck some side piece so why pretend you do now? Don't worry about your EX-slag. She'll find someone else to ride and pay the rent, WITH YOUR CHILD SUPPORT contribution. Let your wife, children, family and friends see all of you and don't cry and say, "We can fix this. We owe it to ourselves to try, We can make it work. Personally, I'd drop you for someone way younger that won't be needing sexual enhances anytime soon.

      • Jack Sparrow says:

        I don’t see your response as helpful in any regard. If you are in the mood to cast stones, perhaps you should start by standing under a meteor.

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