The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I

milo317A lot had happened since the big “breakup”. Some for the better and some for the worse. For the worse, I did something  that I didn’t think I had the heart to do. Actually, it’s something I didn’t think I would ever really need to do so let’s just be clear on that. My ex-girlfriend on the side gave me the keys to her apartment when she first moved to the city. During that time, including the day we broke up, she never asked for them back once. I finally decided to take advantage of that after some selfish soul searching and heartfelt hesitation on my part. I got it in my mind to make good use of those damn keys for once. Keep in mind that I was well aware of the fact that I was a cheating asshole at that point, but it would not be a deterrent. My ex owed me money and since the break up I’d been helping her out financially because, well, she was struggling.  

She was a hard worker, but she didn’t make enough during the slow season so I, like the idiot I was being, decided to help her out. Now at no point in time was I just giving her this money. To be honest, I gave her about $200 in cash that I didn’t want repaid because she needed it so badly. The only money I wanted paid back was what we agreed upon prior to me giving her anything. So not only had I been giving her money I had also added her car to my auto insurance because if she were to get insurance on her own, her monthly amount would be extremely high. I was digging myself a deeper hole and this time she was coming along for the ride and not protesting quite as loudly any longer.

She told me that she’d checked with multiple companies from the high end to the low end and all required very high payments to be made on the front end and the back end. She asked me, and I obliged, mainly out of guilt for all that I had put her through. Little did I know, this would come back to bite me in the corn hole later on. At some point, I guessed that she was seriously or romantically talking to another woman. I asked her about this on numerous occasions because I didn’t want to be financially responsible for another woman’s woman, you know.

I was oblivious to everything around me, going through the motions like a robot. My personal life was a daze. But I was focusing only on the demise of my relationship with my ex-lover and dealing with vindictive urges coming to the surface. Every time I asked she would say nothing of the sort was going on. Finally, one day she admitted to me that she was talking to “multiple” people, but nothing serious yet. And what was it any business of mine anyway? I remember checking her MySpace and Downelink pages and lo and behold a new girl was sending her some very sweet nothings in a manner that appeared to emulate the way I used to write to her. 

All of my comments were still there for all to see, including my girlfriend I’d later come to find out, but by then I deleted each and every one. This elicited a reaction I wasn’t quite prepared for. My other woman was hurt she’d go on to tell me, by this blatant disregard for her feelings. This is a woman I wrote to every single day from the day we met, quite intricate messages to boot. I was writing to my girlfriend just as much and even more intimately. Almost everything was duplicated so as not to cause additional undue suspicion even though it was always there, always lurking. My ex’s new girl was no poet and that was the first thing I noticed. 

I came to find out my ex was deceiving me the entire time about her intentions with the new girl. She even went so far as to tell me almost daily that she loved me and there was still a chance for us. My only emotions were discontent, disconnect, and dissatisfaction at the way everything was turning out. I always knew my relationships would reach a breaking point, but I always thought it’d be on my terms. This is an aspect of cheating where one is losing or has already lost touch with the reality of the situation. Instead of feeling immense guilt, the most striking emotion is masked hurt and anger as if I was somehow the one wronged during the entire affair. I had an idea that she was getting serious with someone and I believed it was an attempt to give me a taste of my own medicine. For her sake as well as mine. I centered her relationship around me and reacted what I thought to be accordingly.

The relationship was over, but she owed me money and so I used this against her. That’s a fairly lethal combination anyway, especially when you’re having an affair, your girlfriend doesn’t know everything about it and she also doesn’t know you’ve loaned money to the other woman that hasn’t and might never be repaid. It was a lot to consider, but easy to see that I was headed toward a dangerous place.




4 Responses to “The Dark Side Of Affairs Part I”
  1. AJtheDJ says:

    You know, I'm reading this entry and I kid you not this exact same thing happened to me in the year 2005…the same thing. *Sigh* I was such a fool, and considering that it has only been three years since I have committed such treason against the heart, I am proud to say that I have learned so much and I don't even try to be attracted to like situtations even if I am tempted. I just want to settle down with a real woman. And you are right about thinking that things would end on your terms because of now being blinded by the self-centered type of style, not even considering the guilt of cheating.

    I have also observed that my self-destructive ways of cheating in the past have caused my own self damage. Damage of which only a patient woman could understand. So here I stand, single and waiting for blessings from a forgiving Father. Sometimes my heart aches because I know what I did in the past, and now I refuse to easily give any woman my heart that easily; she has to by far be able to focus on one apple, and that apple can only fall from my tree. If she can't adhere to those terms, I keep it moving, feel me?

    • Knowledge says:

      Yeah. There's always the incident that makes or breaks your desire to cheat. When it comes to a point where you can openly reflect on your behavior without making excuses, that's the moment. Saying once a cheater, always a cheater is like saying once the other woman, always the other woman or once the victim, always the victim. That's stupid. No more blocking off of the conscience is allowed on the cheaters part. And reflection is going to be painful because you mostly hurt yourself in the process.

      The behavior you speak of, guarding your heart, it's reminiscient of the damage we do to ourselves in seeing and experiencing that behavior. Thanks for giving another prespective, AJ.

  2. Tami says:

    at the time, were you more concerned with what was going on with your "side girl" than how your current girl was feeling about all this?

    • Knowledge says:

      I was mostly concerned with myself. I was giving my girlfriend most of my physical time, but engaged in a constant tug of war with my other woman because I wasn't giving her enough of my presense. So, I gave her more of myself emotionally and my girlfriend did begin to notice me not being there emotionally as much. But that was me compensating, giving my girlfriend more of my physical time and attention and the sexual relationships were both very much alive. So what you begin to do is concern yourself with sorting out selfish internal/external conflicts, fixing something that's already broken (cheating), dividing your time between two women and trying to maintain two different lives, two different relationships. I'll get more into feelings in Part II.

Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!