A Broken Heart Tells No Lies

Watching old cell phone videos of you and I

Like seeing ourselves for the very first time

Who is this girl who rocked my world

And what closed me off to living life unfurled

I lost my girl and went dumb for conspiracies

Deep Underground Mocha Brown (DUMB)

I unfairly rushed through the grief

No thoughts slowly processing and I was so damn lonely

Is my spiritual health in check and does the rain still bring me moments and memories

I fought myself and my family and bared hidden pain

Remembering the scenery and distorted greenery that Summer day

Lost so much weight cheek bones prominently displayed

What an anomaly for this poet, what would Jane Eyre do or say

Why do I feel guilt at not naming a black face like Maya Angelou or another fancy name

You see guilt isn’t just your thing; it’s a tune everyone sings

It is the least discriminating prejudice faced by every hue manned being

Looking into the mirror becomes harder and harder to do

Stuck relying on others to say, “You are beautiful.”

I’ll take one of you but I won’t call you in the morning

I won’t call you when I’m mourning

Duly note: I come with warnings

Your throbbing heart next to my own and

Yet I fail to produce a story

With so many to tell

Fathoming why I can’t wait to be alone and not with you as I unravel

Higher self judging the nerve of me as feelings scramble

I am purging things and soul searching truth

I sensed your doom and fought every ounce of feeling in tune with it

I wanted nothing to do with it

I insisted that you were meant to grow old with me and repent at the pearly gates; destination heavenly

And just in case, “What Dreams May Come” if it came down to it, come what may

Then here comes the day that everything changed

I have to watch old videos to experience the old me in new ways

I was so full of light with you beside me

Such a noticeable difference when comparing the old me to the new me

For those that knew me, I put on a mask and pretend that no hurt ever gets through me

No loss so great I can’t still laugh and fabricate being happy and act like no ones watching as I am carefree dancing

While secretly my body is bursting with sadness and anxiety

My throat’s been in knots for what’s felt like an eternity

My muscles haven’t relaxed since that evening around 10:23

I was humbled by your loss in a way I haven’t recovered from

Gods wish bearing gifts or the gift always meant to give tough love

To get to the heart of it you must imagine you’re not part of it

When the day finally drew near

And the memories of you relay in slow motion and despair

And sentiments and condolences parlay in an ocean of fear

Not wanting to face demons, even still they come here

We steered clear; always walked in faith but it was too late to prepare

Sealed was the fate found in chakra number four; that one there

You feel the deepening darkness, but lightest weight do you bear

You are the deer in Get Out; no longer stout just just lying there

The broken headlights unveiling bare the rhythm of your heartbeat feeling more faint as the hour of your passing drew more near

I can’t believe what my eyes are seeing

I can’t believe I saw anything through the tears and ear ringing

The light left both of us that evening

Now I am seeing everything differently

Still fading to black indefinitely

Trying to love again is the hardest when your heart never stopped breaking



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